The heartbreak of female friendships...

[Keyryder]

I've been thinking back on my female friendships and... i can honestly say, they've caused as much hurt, in not more, than any relationship.

I mean, female friendships...well, they're supposed to based on nothing but warmth and affection, aren't they? No hidden agendas. No ego trips. No half truths. Just women supporting other women...right? So maybe because we never questioned their motives, it hurts more when it turns out they were not as we thought.

Looking back...there was the friend who stole from me and lied about it. Then the university friend who flirted shamelessly with my crush right infront of me.
Then there was the one who got a new partner and vanished off the face of the earth. The one who took affront when we didn't share the same view on a current hot topic. And several more over the last 20 years.

I'm tired.

I miss so much having that close female friendship. And now I'm taking to someone new and all I can think is - how is this one going to go tits up?

I don't worry before dates.
Buy when it comes to women, I'm legit terrified. Like I actually feel it took me 2 years to get over the loss of the last friendship. We were close. And just because I said I didn't agree on one issue, boom, gone.

Anyway, random rant.
Anyone else struggling with female friends?

I feel I always get on with women. It's just seems to be a few years in they change or they do something shit and I'm left reeling :/

Well, some people would ‘find it quite sad’ that you haven’t made any new close friends since your university years!

I agree in a way. My friendships in my younger years were way more intense than they are now. I am lucky enough to have good friends but I don't really lean on them for emotional support. For example, when I had cancer, it was my husband and parents who I turned to for support. I didn't want to burden my friends and to be honest, they struggled to know what to say or do.
My friends are people I enjoy doing fun things with. Of course, I'm there for them when they need me but the fact is we all have busy lives - teenage children, work, aging parents etc. We don't have huge amounts of time and energy to give.

I agree with this.

I have friends who I love and who I would be there for 100% if they absolutely needed me.

I don't, however, have the time or headspace for the intense, sister type bond some people expect. My ride or die relationships are with my family. I don't want to feel beholden to friends.

I had a friend who lost her shit with me, to the degree of not speaking to me for weeks (ignoring calls), because I genuinely forgot to book the evening off work for a dinner party she was hosting. Just a mistake, and I was made out to be this horrific friend. We're still friends now (as far as I'm concerned anyway), but I'm sure her opinion of me was somehow 'changed'.

I just cannot imagine the above situation happening between two men - think they seem to have 'better' friendships because they don't expect as much, so there's not as much tension about nonsense.

I never got these threads till now aged 40.

It's painful.

That sucks. I'm sorry x

I guess the problem with friendships is lack of family bonds.
With families there are ups and downs (even if not in dramatic way), but family can be an extra pull factor.

Medium-distance friendships are more durable for me than intense friendships.

(Sincerely yours, took 2 years to emotionally get over loss of intense friendship. No one did anything nasty, but we were well suited to each other for company until we no longer weren't due to dramatic change in circumstances and I was sadly no longer what she needed. But if I were less reactive, I might not have burned bridge so much and we'd probably text birthdays and once a year or once in 5 year meet ups. Yes I am 40 not 25 :)

I have been lucky in my adult life but god was it horrible at school. I wasn't bullied outright but there were so many shifting tides of favourites and black sheep that it became very unpleasant. The teacher had to tell the entire class off at one point because it was like a soap opera.

I think my female friends tend to have had similar experiences to that so we don't go in for that sort of thing. I reckon you have had bad luck here in not finding someone more like-minded. You sound like a decent sort and anyone would be lucky to have you as a friend.

What a ridiculous and misogynistic thing to say.

Im a great friend to my girlfriends as they are to me. My dh on the other hand has no friends - he is very black and white and cute people off if they annoy him.

Dont judge others by your own experiences. I would say on the whole women have much better, closer relationships with other women than men do with other men.

Personally, I wouldn't say female friendships are better, just different. It's true that there's often a deeper understanding and emotional openness with other women, but friendships with men can often be less pressurised and " easier " in some aspects. Any fallouts, differences in opinion, or misunderstandings can be cleared up very quickly, not to mention social arrangements can be made at the drop of a hat! Grudges aren't usually kept and it's rare for a man to over analyse your every move or use your private information as a source of gossip. In the work environment I've always found it far easier to get on with the men as they're less inclined to be involved in a clique or engage in back stabbing or the social hierarchy.

This. I’ve recently had a falling out with a friendship group and it’s hit me really hard. I’ve even called the Samaritans at one point. DH has been my shoulder to cry on and very supportive, but I feel ashamed of how upset I am and the school run makes me anxious in case I see them.

I have a small circle. Found friends quite flaky in my 50s. It was disheartening. Or the must catch up soon ones lol.

I mean't it is sad that females are nasty to each other not how you read it! But thank you for proving the point about bitchy females.

I am quite an introvert, and didn't go to uni. I have made lots of friends, just none that I would call in the middle of the night If I needed a friend.

Zero close female friends either. Have a few close male friends and it's so much simpler. No drama.

I hear you.

It hurts.

Women have definitely hurt me more than men.

I've always wanted a tight 1:1 female friendship, and I have had at times as an adolescent but there's always a big falling out & heartbreak.

I've never been that close to anyone since I lived alone/ had DC.

DP is my best friend now by default. But he's no substitute really.

Youth really is wasted on the young.

I could have written this.

Add in a tendency to be self deprecating and you're guaranteed the 'friends' will drop like flies.

I can see it is an old post, but I want to read through it all and add to it. For now, I am obviously shocked by a recent loss of a person I thought I was my friend. And that reminded me of a series of losses where I was rejected by women, all those leading back to my mother wound, and I am in pain now, so much that it must be the previous series of rejections and the mother wound that makes me feel so hurt. But for now, I would just like to talk about my recent rejection and unpick it, hoping that anyone here can understand it. I know there is a lot of judgment here, at a point there is always someone who says: but what did you do to deserve that? Well, to those voices I am now eloquently saying: keep the fuck off. Wait, until I had some comfort. Oh, the main thing is that I decided NOT to have any more female friends. I will have men, and I will get a dog. I know I came here, but a forum is a safe distance. OP, Keyryder, let me know how you are doing.

How can one be close friends with men? Is it possible to be friends with men that you are not interested in sexually?

Respectfully, @Bionicnose, if you’ve sworn off friendships with women and have never had male friends till now, I’m not sure why you think that will work any better. Misunderstandings, friendships you hoped would be forever and which turn out to be situational etc are just as liable to happen with male friends as female ones, and you seem to be suggesting you have only had male friends with sexual interest on your side in the past…?

No. I am not suggesting. I am refreshingly open which leads to being judged and rejected. I asked a question, please read it as such. How can you be friends if there is erotic tension or history? They always say you can only be friends with the opposite sex if one of you is unattractive.

I think once you have been rejected time and time again it gets harder and harder to open yourself up and be open to new friendships especially female ones. I have been told I am often too much yet

Its hard Im 50s I find people so busy now they dont commit.. or wont get back with a date. I just leave it now. Def disheartening though at times.

Who is ‘they’? I’m merely pointing out that you’ve written off friendships with the female half of the human race, and now you’re raising problems about being friends with the male half because of ‘erotic tension or history’.

Taking your question at face value, I’ve never found ‘history’ an issue. I’m good friends with two exes from a while back. We didn’t gel ultimately as sexual partners but we parted on good terms and the mutual liking remains. I’m less clear about what exactly you mean by ‘erotic tension’. I suppose it depends to an extent whether you’re single or attached. I’m married, so not looking at men in sexual terms.