A complete clusterfuck spanning relationships, sex, autism, young children and more

[98bottles]

Sorry, long. NC'd.

DH came to me on Friday evening to say that he is not happy. He brought up lots of things but the main gist was that he feels we don't do fun things together as a family and that I'd previously told him things would get better when the younger kids are school age, but he doesn't feel he can cope that long, and do I see things getting better. He reckons things have been difficult for the past six months or so, and explicitly mentioned things getting more difficult since I received a diagnosis of autism and ADHD, over the summer.

DS is 7, twins are (just) 3.

He wants to go on holidays abroad, meals out etc, generally have more fun. We're out with the kids 3-4 times a weekend but - not sure. Either he doesn't like the particular things we do, or things they don't make me happy - no idea.

We had sex a week ago, at my suggestion, but that didn't work (he lost his erection midway), tried again a few days ago and the same happened again. He blamed me for this because we previously hadn't had sex for three months because I didn't want to. (He badgered me for it weekly which put me off, and we had an incredibly stressful time of late - my diagnosis, but also a serious childcare drama that threw us all into chaos.)

He says I don't hug or kiss him. I do, but for example will pull away when he tries to kiss me with tongue when I don't want to, as I've told him.

I absolutely do not want to travel 4-5 hours away on a plane with preschoolers. I can do it, but it's hell. Over the summer I planned and found a lovely holiday for us on the British coast, including researching rainy day things, and we had a good time. Likewise over xmas. I'd still rather have been at home but I was trying to find a compromise that worked for everyone.

Likewise meals out - it's doable, but it's loud, stressful (trying to keep kids occupied at the table when waiting for food mainly), rushed and expensive. Instead of being a nice meal out with time to eat and chat I wolf down my food and spend most of the time managing the kids, as does he. They aren't badly behaved but one needs a drink, the next one drops their fork, the third one needs the loo and so on.

Money isn't an issue, except that I'm not a fan of wasting money - so a meal out at a restaurant that costs £70/80 for 30 unenjoyable minutes seems like a waste.

A few months ago I was diagnosed, after a long road, with combined ADHD and autism. I'm more the latter than the former I think, level 2 autism if anyone knows what that means. I need routine and predictability or I'm really thrown; I like quiet; I battle with other people's noise, odd textures etc. Will only eat with certain cutlery, eat same things again and again, wear same clothes etc. You wouldn't know it even if you knew me well because I "mask" heavily, but one of the things I am working on since diagnosis is feeling my feelings rather than just shutting them down and trying to do whatever everyone else can, and then shutting down or burning out afterwards. (I also work, PT.) So I am more forthright with DH now about needing quiet or a break. A lot of my headspace is taken up trying to think through the diagnosis and find coping strategies that work.

My oldest is likely also on the spectrum and is very compliant and people-pleasing, so I thought I had the whole parenting thing sussed and got pregnant again. Now I have two more (twins) and the combined noise, work, stress, admin, illness, needs etc of three children is pushing me to my limit. As DH knows. He does a fair amount but because he is FT and I'm PT lots of stuff falls to me. No family help.

I genuinely think things will get better on DH's metric when the kids are older. And also, I don't think it's unusual, even among NT people, to not jump for joy at the idea of travel and restaurants with young kids.

I thought things were going fine until he came out with all this - we have a child-free morning together once a week and have been going on dates, getting on, no other issues that I could see.

Not sure where to go from here, at all. I'm just really angry at DH for a) apparently expecting life to be easy and fun with young kids b) attributing any difficulty to my diagnosis c) not compromising so that things suit us both.

Help.

As a small single thing - Can you get a babysitter an evening a week(end) and go out to a movie & restaurant just the two of you?

Honestly I think this is just a really difficult situation all round.

Life with young kids is difficult at times for everyone, but I do think provided money isn’t the issue that you do just have to make the best of the situation you have rather than wait for “one day when it is easier” because actually that day never comes, or it comes so far away that by then things are beyond fixing.

Take the meals out as an example, yeah you can’t sit in a restaurant and have a nice meal with drinks and an adult chat with 3 young kids. So if you compare your experience to that then it doesn’t seem great. BUT you can choose a more child-friendly place to eat, somewhere like Frankie & Benny’s where the kids can colour in while waiting for food, it’s loud and full of other families anyway, and make the best of it. Or there are a few pubs and cafe’s near us which have a soft play/creative area/toys, so you order your food, let the kids play while you watch and chat together, then eat. You have to embrace the chaos really and just make the best of the days you have now if you want to make it to the “better days”. Make life easier for yourself, go to an aquarium or a farm for a day out, go swimming and then for a cafe lunch, a park trip and then a chip shop lunch, it’s not relaxing, but if you play to strengths then you can still have lovely days out.

I do think it’s probably felt especially difficult for your husband since your diagnosis as you say yourself since then you are “feeling your feelings” (what does that look like in practice?) and asking DH for more quiet/breaks. That’s what you may need and that’s okay for you, but it has added more to his plate and you have to appreciate that is difficult for him as well.

It's the other way round here. I am NT and i think my entire family is ND, including DH.

We have 5 adult kids. One diagnosed level 2 autism with learning disability lives at home aged 26. A DD, 17, currently getting assessed. She does a lot of masking.

2 of the adult kids moved away.

So, the story you tell in your post there is quite familiar to me. I'm not sure things do improve as kids get older, tbh.

DH and i are now late 50s. What's happened is that i do lots more social things with my own friends and i also go to spend time with our adult kids but DH opts to stay quiet at home.

Yesterday, all 5 of us that still live here had tickets to go see a show. Quite predictably, DH woke up with a cracking headache and felt too ill to go. So just the 4 of us went.

DH likes to go out just the 2 of us still but definitely prefers the quiet. He has a hobby of writing and playing his own music and spends time in the evenings doing that.

What i miss, most of all, being the only NTperson in my family is those 'wow' moments and 'remember when' moments.

No one in my family does excitement!!! Or overtly express much emotion tbh. And we don't tend to have those 'remember when we did .......' because no one has a mind's eye.

So - all the incredible memories we have over the years are only remembered in full technicolour glory by me. And that can be a bit of a sad and lonely feeling. You expect people are sharing the same experience but they're not really.

I expect DH is feeling that your relationship feels a bit 'out of kilter, out of sync' Lacking those moments of connection where you just look at each other and smile because you know you're both having the same, funny thought.

I think (and i know this is probably impossible for you) you need to try to put yourself in dh's shoes and see things from his position)

It very likely is that he feels you cannot do this that is his issue. That you cannot properly connect with him in that way. He is likely feeling some of the things that I feel. I don't get overwhelmed by noise - in fact being around people gives me a real buzz. I don't get exhausted talking to people.

So - your DH is a bit in mourning in a way. He is having to come to terms with the fact you aren't ever going to love the things he does - big people gatherings, parties, meeting folks, showing you off and socialising. It's massive for him to go through. It's the loss for him of a life he envisioned properly sharing and enjoying things together as a family.

And - if your kids are ND - he ends up being the outsider.

Only time will tell whether this can settle into a happy life for all of you. But i think, next time you have a conversation with dh about this, try to be the listener, not the fixer.

He doesn't want practical fixes. He wants you to hear him emotionally. He really wants you to feel what he is feeling. Which you cannot. But at least listen and be in that moment.

Don't offer your point of view. Don't offer up solutions. Just use those reassuring 'aha' 'mmm' 'i know' ' this isn't easy'

Maybe he's not happy because of you being a bit more assertive around what you need, if he's brought up your diagnosis.

New boundaries are always going to get pushback and from his point of view, it's a loss.

Thanks @Anisty , it’s useful to have the other perspective. You may be right. It’s so difficult - I naturally just want to fix everything and in this situation I feel like I’m the thing that needs fixing.

as you say yourself since then you are “feeling your feelings” (what does that look like in practice?)

@Mrsttcno1 well, before the diagnosis I would have rushed to get out of the house even if I’d just stepped in something and had an uncomfortable wet sock, because being on time seemed more important. Now I try to stop, realise I’m uncomfortable, realise that we’re objectively not in a rush, and sort myself out, rather than being antsy and angry for the next few hours. Or, if we’re all in the car and there’s music playing and kids talking and DH is trying to tell me a story about some random coworker, I’ll say I’m really sorry but I can’t listen to this now, it’s all too loud. Let’s talk about it later.

All sounds minor but I have 20-30 of these situations a day and it adds up to a feeling of overwhelm.

Ah I see, how many of those 20-30 situations lead to you telling DH “not now” or “I can’t listen to/talk to/engage with” you though?

Can you see how in those moments when he is trying to connect and communicate and spend some time, you’re shutting him down and how that can then make him feel a certain way?

Very few. Though maybe for him that's still too many.

It all feels like a big mess at the mo.

I feel a bit sorry for your DH.

I like doing all the same things he likes doing and my kids are 2, nearly 4 + soon to be newborn. I wouldn’t be able to put my life on hold until the children are older. I would find your attitude around restaurants really negative and no abroad holidays would be a dealbreaker for me. The lack of affection and sex also sounds a bit sad.

Ultimately, it sounds like you aren’t compatible. In your DH’s shoes I would be considering leaving you because your way of life sounds miserable.

Sorry OP.

3 under 8s is going to be quite chaotic.

Do you not get any alone time?

Do either of you get breaks from family time?

From reading that it's all very much about you but he also will have things he wants to do and experience.
For holidays there must be some compromise? Meals out could you find one restaurant you all like and make it monthly thing. It needs to be balanced and although you have a diagnosis he also needs to be considered and his wants.

I think both of you could find a compromise to all of it with some effort

You've got a lot going on as a couple!

I think your diagnosis is a big adjustment for both of you. It's healthy to stop masking, but if part of your masking meant doing more of the things DH likes, then I can see this will be tough for him. I think you need lots more conversations about both of your priorities, as you come to understand yourself better - hopefully there will be compromises that work for both of you.

It sounds like you need to put some effort back into your relationship to get that on good ground and then it won’t make Day to day life feel so negative for him.

Book a babysitter for one evening and month and go out just the two of you.

Make sure you’re connecting each day physically. That doesn’t mean sex but making sure you have a meaningful hug or holding hands when you’re out and about or kissing before someone leaves the house.

If you’d rather not go out for a family activity as you see it as wasting money etc, make activities at home where you can bond as a family.

Make pizzas altogether, have a family movie night where you spend time making the posts and tickets and one of the adults can act as cinema staff and take tickets, offer popcorn etc.

it’s easy to get into a routine of just surviving but your husband is right, life is for having fun and making something of it.

But if very few is 3 or 4, if my husband was shutting me down 3/4 times every day I’d absolutely feel our marriage was drifting and I wouldn’t be happy.

It would also discourage me from even trying to speak to him, chat with him, because I’d just expect to be rejected.

I'm not sure either of you are wrong but you seem to want very different things out of your lives.
You are wanting peace, routines and home based life and your DH wants activity outside the home, lots of verbal communication and variety.
One isn't better than the other but you don't seem to be pulling in the same direction.
Has this always been an issue?

Your autism may not be the real issue, he could be using that as an excuse.

Perhaps he is just looking back with rose-tinted glasses to a time when he didn't have children, when he could have long adult conversations in restaurants and fly to peaceful stress-free holidays.

Sadly, too many men change their minds about wanting children, after the children are here. They like the idea of children before the reality hits, but then hate giving up freedom and hate the work and stress involved.

With three-year old twins, he may just be fed up of family life.

For example, in the car if there was no children you could have turned off the music and listened to him, but with children it is harder.

There is not much you can do, except try to arrange as much quality child-free time with him as possible.

Try to go back to work full time, even if it means most of your earnings go on childcare. You need more equality in the home, and to be thinking of your future financial security.

Last weekend

• one o clock club
• museum
• children’s class for the kids am, we had a meal out together
• soft play

This weekend

• pumpkin picking
• museum
• children’s class for the kids am
• shop, cafe, community garden

All instigated/planned/booked by me. Most weekends are the same sort of structure, an outing every morning and afternoon. Isn’t it enough effort?

We do connect every day. We hug, we kiss.

Some of this stuff is extraordinarily difficult for me but here we are, I do it. What more can I actually be expected to do?

children’s class for the kids am, we had a meal out together

ie a meal out us two, while they did their class.

Would you both be open to the idea of some couples counselling.

just to try and work out how you can connect and communicate a bit better?

That’s a lovely weekend of plans for the kids, but the question is about the effort in your relationship.

It is possible to be an amazing parent while also being a not so amazing partner. In fact I think that’s quite common, being an amazing parent takes a lot or patience, effort, communication, organisation, cuddles etc that it often times means there isn’t much of any of those things left for your partner.

I’d be conscious of that.

This was my first thought

I think it's an absolutely manic time for you both, with a diagnosis thrown in. You, and DH, need to wait and be patient. It will get better but it will take time. I've got twins (nearly 16!) and ages 2-4 (whilst DS1 was 5-7) was the hardest years. (I now work with this age group because I actually love their energy, curiosity - I am similar to you, I think I'm ADHD and also some ASD traits, DS1 many ASD traits).

My instant thoughts were:

• I do think you need to be a little more flexible on the travelling but DH also needs to organise if he really wants it. If he wants to go away abroad, he can book it. Croatia, Italy etc are not far and the plane travel is fine. Somewhere with a kids club! We went to Turkey, Sri Lanka twice, France before twins were 6.
• Weekends sound exhaustingly full of kid activities! One 'organised' activity a day and chill time or a walk/ trip to park is enough. You need some energy for each other not just kids activities.
• is it possible dh trying to deflect his erectile issues into 'not being happy'. There could be a physical reason and maybe a trip to GP and actually addressing it properly will allow him to feel happier.

I think it's great you and dh can be intimate and get time alone every week. We didn't manage much of that and it took its toll. So in that aspect you're doing better than many with 3 young kids.

If money isn't a issue I'd suggest some individual counselling then couples counselling. What I read here is you both have some figuring out to do on what you want and need from life for yourselves first before you can bring in the relationship element.

Do you feel blamed or do you feel he is just having open communication to explore how you can move forward together? Does he speak about the intimacy concerns openly and collaboratively. Or is there a sense that he is just unhappy and unwilling to be accountable for the part he plays in it? Does he feel he is suffering from depression?

I'm aware that's difficult to figure out and we are all affected by our own perspective. Counselling could offer you both a place to look deeper at what's going on here.

In full disclosure I work with sex addicts/porn addicts the erectile dysfunction is something we see alot. Obviously there is many reasons this could be happening stress anxiety loss of connection can all contribute as well as age and medication. So I'm definitely not saying this is the issue. But what we also see with addiction is the real world gets dull lacklustre boring. Scientifically they don't get the same hit of dopamine from day to day enjoyable experiences. Early on in addiction we see people change every other element of their life. Looking for the answer or excitement. Needing more and more from their partner and life. Prefering to live in fantasy. Then in recovery I see men just enjoying being in the presence of their families. Appreciating all the small things. A real day and night change.

Whilst some of that change is down to re wiring their brain. It's also largely due to the unlearning of entitlement and thinking errors they do in a full recovery. So it doesn't even have to include addiction at all. It could be a comparison mindset. It could be many different things. But worth considering and knowing the signs to look for.

Why are you having to instigate and book everything? Could you tell him to plan the next weekend? He doesn't get to complain without contributing to planning.

He seems to be expecting you to come up with all the answers of how to make his life easier. You once told him that things would get easier once the kids were older, and he is now tapping his foot and drumming his fingers waiting for the magic day. I'm not entirely sure whether he thinks you will wave your wand and hey presto everything will be rosy again, or what.

Has he offered any ideas of how he'd like family life to be, or any suggestions on how to achieve it?

Or is he just going to sit back and moan at you?

Do you feel blamed or do you feel he is just having open communication to explore how you can move forward together? Does he speak about the intimacy concerns openly and collaboratively

He literally, verbally, said it was my fault @MightyGoldBear , for not agreeing to or initiating sex for a long period.

@Mrsttcno1 I have no more effort left to give, rightly wrongly and whether because of my diagnosis or otherwise. I can’t sort everything for the kids and plan some lovely couple time and be swinging from the chandeliers in bed that night. Everything is bloody difficult, I allocate my time and headspace as best I can. If someone held a gun to my head I still couldn’t do better. There’s nothing left in the tank.