A complete clusterfuck spanning relationships, sex, autism, young children and more

[98bottles]

Sorry, long. NC'd.

DH came to me on Friday evening to say that he is not happy. He brought up lots of things but the main gist was that he feels we don't do fun things together as a family and that I'd previously told him things would get better when the younger kids are school age, but he doesn't feel he can cope that long, and do I see things getting better. He reckons things have been difficult for the past six months or so, and explicitly mentioned things getting more difficult since I received a diagnosis of autism and ADHD, over the summer.

DS is 7, twins are (just) 3.

He wants to go on holidays abroad, meals out etc, generally have more fun. We're out with the kids 3-4 times a weekend but - not sure. Either he doesn't like the particular things we do, or things they don't make me happy - no idea.

We had sex a week ago, at my suggestion, but that didn't work (he lost his erection midway), tried again a few days ago and the same happened again. He blamed me for this because we previously hadn't had sex for three months because I didn't want to. (He badgered me for it weekly which put me off, and we had an incredibly stressful time of late - my diagnosis, but also a serious childcare drama that threw us all into chaos.)

He says I don't hug or kiss him. I do, but for example will pull away when he tries to kiss me with tongue when I don't want to, as I've told him.

I absolutely do not want to travel 4-5 hours away on a plane with preschoolers. I can do it, but it's hell. Over the summer I planned and found a lovely holiday for us on the British coast, including researching rainy day things, and we had a good time. Likewise over xmas. I'd still rather have been at home but I was trying to find a compromise that worked for everyone.

Likewise meals out - it's doable, but it's loud, stressful (trying to keep kids occupied at the table when waiting for food mainly), rushed and expensive. Instead of being a nice meal out with time to eat and chat I wolf down my food and spend most of the time managing the kids, as does he. They aren't badly behaved but one needs a drink, the next one drops their fork, the third one needs the loo and so on.

Money isn't an issue, except that I'm not a fan of wasting money - so a meal out at a restaurant that costs £70/80 for 30 unenjoyable minutes seems like a waste.

A few months ago I was diagnosed, after a long road, with combined ADHD and autism. I'm more the latter than the former I think, level 2 autism if anyone knows what that means. I need routine and predictability or I'm really thrown; I like quiet; I battle with other people's noise, odd textures etc. Will only eat with certain cutlery, eat same things again and again, wear same clothes etc. You wouldn't know it even if you knew me well because I "mask" heavily, but one of the things I am working on since diagnosis is feeling my feelings rather than just shutting them down and trying to do whatever everyone else can, and then shutting down or burning out afterwards. (I also work, PT.) So I am more forthright with DH now about needing quiet or a break. A lot of my headspace is taken up trying to think through the diagnosis and find coping strategies that work.

My oldest is likely also on the spectrum and is very compliant and people-pleasing, so I thought I had the whole parenting thing sussed and got pregnant again. Now I have two more (twins) and the combined noise, work, stress, admin, illness, needs etc of three children is pushing me to my limit. As DH knows. He does a fair amount but because he is FT and I'm PT lots of stuff falls to me. No family help.

I genuinely think things will get better on DH's metric when the kids are older. And also, I don't think it's unusual, even among NT people, to not jump for joy at the idea of travel and restaurants with young kids.

I thought things were going fine until he came out with all this - we have a child-free morning together once a week and have been going on dates, getting on, no other issues that I could see.

Not sure where to go from here, at all. I'm just really angry at DH for a) apparently expecting life to be easy and fun with young kids b) attributing any difficulty to my diagnosis c) not compromising so that things suit us both.

Help.

This is about the same gap between my ds and twins. It's a really tough age. I would suggest avoiding meals out with kids when possible for now - they won't care - and spending the money on a babysitter and meal for you two instead. That's a better investment atm. It will get better!

It’s not necessarily that you need to find more energy though, it’s just that you would re-distribute the energy you already have differently.

As an example, there’s no need for 2 activities per day every weekend, pick one and do that.

I am more forthright with DH now about needing quiet or a break. A lot of my headspace is taken up trying to think through the diagnosis and find coping strategies that work.

You are asking for what you need. But you are 'very angry' at DH for the same. There are unacceptable things (like blaming you for his erection) but wanting to go on holiday is deeply important to me and a coastal UK break would not be the same for me.

My advice for marriage is, "always compromise, but never compromise". What I mean by that is core values and needs, never compromise. But those things you can, do. It sounds like you've rewritten what is a 'need' for you. He will react to that. You may need a counsellor (who understands ND as well).

@98bottles

I would never have two outings a day at the weekend personally, massive overwhelm for me (suspect I am ND, too) Maybe you are doing too much? Depends on your kids, but we do:

• out somewhere in the morning, which might involve getting lunch, somewhere active and preferably outside where 3 year old can really run it all off, farm or NT place or playground with walking
• if it has been busy or overwhelming or tiring, audiobooks or stories or quiet reading for the 7 year old (they choose), snack before play
• play, with parent support where needed
• bit of TV or film before dinner where we parents can catch up a bit and do the jobs necessary before bed

Gives us all space to catch our breath and me a chance not to be on for all waking hours.

I am autistic and going to cafes and restaurants is a trigger you need to find things you both enjoy doing

Sounds to me like you have been more than reasonable, patient and accommodating to him. Why is he complaining rather than coming up with suggestions / solutions? If you're booking and sorting everything, initiating intimacy, organising time together without the children, etc I don't see how it's fair that the responsibility for fixing his unhappiness is given to you too.

have a family movie night where you spend time making the posts and tickets and one of the adults can act as cinema staff and take tickets, offer popcorn etc.

Sounds awful. Just more work to be fitted in with 3 kids (toddler twins!) under 10.
That way leads to burn out. Which takes ages to get out of.

I presume they both work, then have a second shift at home.

Sorry OP, can't give any practical solutions, being a solo working mum (dad went back to his home country).

I got through it by putting one foot in front of another. And keeping social contacts.

Kids just are a hard long slog never mind ageing parents in the mix

one of the things I am working on since diagnosis is feeling my feelings rather than just shutting them down and trying to do whatever everyone else can, and then shutting down or burning out afterwards. (I also work, PT.) So I am more forthright with DH now about needing quiet or a break. A lot of my headspace is taken up trying to think through the diagnosis and find coping strategies that work
So.you work pt, of course you should have a heavier home load 50:50 when both there, but more when you're at home he's at work.
The above isn't fair.. 'feeling your feelings' sounds like psychobabble speak for 'I can do/say what I want as it's me telling my truth and you can't complain'.