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Original poster

Do I give them a 3rd chance?

48 replies

tinseltamer · 20/10/2024 10:21

I was going to post on the stately homes thread but I can't find it Sad

I've been NC with my parents since 2019.
There was a big falling out over money. They think everything I have, they're entitled to. Very much what's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine. I made you, so I deserve it.

Since then, I'm in a really good place in my life. A good job that I love, lovely house, escaped an abusive relationship. I'm settled. And a lot more confident in myself and my ability to shut down negativity in my life.

I logged on to Facebook this morning to see a message from my mum. They're in their late 60s now. Do I try one last time to have a relationship with them before it's too late?

OP posts:
Adelaide66 · 20/10/2024 10:27

The very fact you are asking shows willing. You can never think that you didn't try your best.
Just don't have high expectations but be open hearted.. Noone is perfect .

Cardiganwearer · 20/10/2024 10:28

I wouldn’t contact them. A third chance is too much. A second? Maybe. But not a third. You’re settled after a very hard time by the sounds. Don’t let them muck it up. Could they have got wind that you’ve got a nice house now so they think you have some money they could appropriate? It’s not on, is it?

The stately homes thread is now titled October 2024 Stately homes and it’s in the Relationships topic so that might help you find it.

Original poster
tinseltamer · 20/10/2024 10:34

Cardiganwearer · 20/10/2024 10:28

I wouldn’t contact them. A third chance is too much. A second? Maybe. But not a third. You’re settled after a very hard time by the sounds. Don’t let them muck it up. Could they have got wind that you’ve got a nice house now so they think you have some money they could appropriate? It’s not on, is it?

The stately homes thread is now titled October 2024 Stately homes and it’s in the Relationships topic so that might help you find it.

I actually saw them driving past my old house 2 weeks ago. I'm not sure if they saw me or not, but it's been over a year since I moved so they must have figured it out by now.

It's a significant downsize from my old house so no money there for them!

We've been NC 2015 - 2017, then from 2019 to now. So yeah this will be chance #3.

Thank you for pointing me in the right direction for the thread Smile

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 20/10/2024 10:38

Will you be OK if it goes pear shaped again?

Polkad · 20/10/2024 10:41

OP, value and cherish this peace.
Don't take it for granted.
I wouldn't if I were you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/10/2024 10:43

I would not contact them either. And why now as well re your mother contacting you; what does she want of you?. There is always a sting in the tail re such people and you have no contact with them for very good reason.

Do not further undo the progress you've made to date.

BitOutOfPractice · 20/10/2024 10:43

What did the message say op?

Singleandproud · 20/10/2024 10:45

Now you are in a better place I would perhaps approach them again but have rock hard boundaries, no talk of money make it clear that that is off the table, no inviting them to your new place or telling them where you live just go to theirs or meet in a neutral location.

offyoujollywelltrot · 20/10/2024 10:47

I wouldn't.

Stormyweatheroutthere · 20/10/2024 10:49

I was nc with dm from 2000 until 2010. Second chance for about 2 years. Then again 2012 until this day.
Won't be a third chance. They don't change.. Not for the better anyway... She is in her 70's and no added years will change my mind....

Original poster
tinseltamer · 20/10/2024 10:54

BitOutOfPractice · 20/10/2024 10:43

What did the message say op?

Just says "Hi".

Strange in itself like nothing has happened!

OP posts:
Original poster
tinseltamer · 20/10/2024 10:55

Singleandproud · 20/10/2024 10:45

Now you are in a better place I would perhaps approach them again but have rock hard boundaries, no talk of money make it clear that that is off the table, no inviting them to your new place or telling them where you live just go to theirs or meet in a neutral location.

Oh there would definitely be firm boundaries. I have no desire for them to ever know where I live. Home is my safe space since escaping my ex!

OP posts:
FedupMumof10YearOld · 20/10/2024 10:59

Just hi ?? Nothing else.

Hard no from me for a third chance. Who the hell answers to 'hi' 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

NuffSaidSam · 20/10/2024 11:03

For me it would depend on what they were like when I was a child. Were they good parents then?

Original poster
tinseltamer · 20/10/2024 11:04

FedupMumof10YearOld · 20/10/2024 10:59

Just hi ?? Nothing else.

Hard no from me for a third chance. Who the hell answers to 'hi' 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Just hi. No how are you? hope you're keeping well?
No acknowledgement of the fact we haven't spoken in 5 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
tinseltamer · 20/10/2024 11:08

NuffSaidSam · 20/10/2024 11:03

For me it would depend on what they were like when I was a child. Were they good parents then?

They were good parents in the sense I was looked after, food on the table, nice house, holidays. Some of their behaviour I learned later in life would be considered wrong / inappropriate. Like putting bars on my window so I couldn't sneak out (we lived in the country, I wasn't going anywhere), and taking my bedroom door off so I would have no privacy when they were angry at me.

There was some verbal abuse as my mum was a heavy drinker but never any physical abuse.

Everything just seemed to turn to shit when I was 17 / 18.

OP posts:
Safxxx · 20/10/2024 11:09

If mentally you're in a better state and confident within yourself then go ahead and meet them as you will be able to handle any negativity in a better way. Hope it goes well for you. As we get older life does humble us so maybe they will be ok. I guess you will only know if you give it another go.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/10/2024 11:20

She can put her Hi message frankly where the sun does not shine. There is no reason for you to respond to that one word.

And why now too, what does she want of you?. What she wants from you is a response; maintain radio silence and ignore.

You were physically looked after but emotionally you were not. Putting bars on your window and removing your bedroom door (bet their own door remained) was wrong on so many levels.

Bellyblueboy · 20/10/2024 11:22

Adelaide66 · 20/10/2024 10:27

The very fact you are asking shows willing. You can never think that you didn't try your best.
Just don't have high expectations but be open hearted.. Noone is perfect .

you are right no one is perfect. But some people are toxic and abusive.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 20/10/2024 11:25

Your mother also likely remains a drinker too; yet another reason to stay away from her.

There may not have been any physical abuse present but that is no consolation for the childhood you had. You received verbal and emotional abuse and your parents have and continue to fail you abjectly. They took away your autonomy by barring your windows and removing your bedroom door. They have no insight nor empathy. Such people like your mother do not change; infact they can get worse as they age.

Sunshineofyourlove · 20/10/2024 11:26

How much is your peaceful, stable life due to not having them in it?

I'd guess quite a bit.

Sassybooklover · 20/10/2024 11:28

I wouldn't reply. I wouldn't give someone a 3rd chance. A 2nd chance, most people deserve the benefit of the doubt. However, if they mess up a 2nd chance, the reality is, that a 3rd one will be no better. Who just sends 'Hi', to the daughter they've had no contact with for several years?! You are clearly in a better place now, and I wouldn't risk that.

category12 · 20/10/2024 11:29

tinseltamer · 20/10/2024 10:54

Just says "Hi".

Strange in itself like nothing has happened!

Show quote history

That's quite common in these sorts of situations though, isn't it? Pretend like nothing's happened or been said, just sweep it all under the rug to fester and play nice on the surface for a while.

It's an incredibly low effort at contact. Why do you think the word "Hi" is enough to make it worthwhile reconnecting?

Original poster
tinseltamer · 20/10/2024 11:32

Sunshineofyourlove · 20/10/2024 11:26

How much is your peaceful, stable life due to not having them in it?

I'd guess quite a bit.

Edited

You're absolutely right. My life was a complete shitshow while they were in it. I used to have to unplug my house phone and turn my mobile off because my mum would be drunk and calling me at all hours, screaming about something or other that I couldn't influence. My life is so so so peaceful now in comparison.

OP posts: