Do I give them a 3rd chance?

[tinseltamer]

I was going to post on the stately homes thread but I can't find it

I've been NC with my parents since 2019.
There was a big falling out over money. They think everything I have, they're entitled to. Very much what's mine is mine and what's yours is also mine. I made you, so I deserve it.

Since then, I'm in a really good place in my life. A good job that I love, lovely house, escaped an abusive relationship. I'm settled. And a lot more confident in myself and my ability to shut down negativity in my life.

I logged on to Facebook this morning to see a message from my mum. They're in their late 60s now. Do I try one last time to have a relationship with them before it's too late?

Just tread carefully. Don't give them any current numbers.
Is your MH robust enough to deal with them if they haven't changed (which they won't have), parental rejection is hard to deal with.

I guess the reason I'm even considering responding is I do miss having that bond that people have with their parents and being able to go to them for advice etc. I don't miss them, just what they could have been.

You're right though, it is the absolute bare minimum effort isn't it?

Are the able to give you what you want though, have they ever done that for you alongside the crap?

Or are you fantasising what they should have been like and grieving the parents you should have had?

They won't have changed - if you pursue this you have to go into this on knowing that.

They have, but it's always been transactional or to their benefit. E.g. they helped me get my mortgage on my last house, helped me move in, helped me decorate. But then they turned round and sold their house, expecting to move in with me without even consulting me about it. The first I knew about it was when I called and they dropped into conversation "oh by the way the movers are booked for x day".

So they had actually helped me buy a house that they wanted to move into, and decorated their room. Rather than for me, iyswim.

Any smaller acts of kindness were normally thrown back in my face "after all we've done for you????"

OP, I had an emotionally abusive/neglected childhood. I really pined for many years for the sort of family support and warmth and love I didn't have and sounds like you didn't either.
Nothing is going to change what we missed out on, and your parents haven't changed mine didn't. People are who they are.
I also started noticing how many other people had dreadful families as well. In the end I was grateful I could just dislike my mother, some of my friends and acquaintances really struggled as their parents were bad but sometimes not so awful. It made them very confused.
You don't owe them anything, your life now is great because you are a solid person with hard won security and values. Don't let anyone unbalance what you have.
I'm a big fan of blocking numbers and email addresses. Despite the 21st century we have the right to privacy.

WTAF. That’s so weird trying to move into your house.
I assume you told them no and they didn’t move in?

I think if you want them in your lives I would start with only one form of communication for now. Keep it on FB and don’t give them your number or address. If they over step you can block on FB also.

Protect yourself though OP. They sound pretty awful and I doubt they can ever give you the support in life that people expect from parents. They will gradually start taking again in my opinion.

💐

No, don't. You've worked hard to get the peaceful life that you have and that you deserve. Don't plunge yourself back into a toxic relationship simply because someone messaged, 'Hi'.

That's a really fucking low effort from her. I'll be honest, I don't think I'd give a THIRD chance, and risk my peace of mind if she'd written a 4 page essay apologising for all their past behaviour, acknowledging that they'd made terrible mistakes and promising clear boundaries for the future. And she didn't.

'Hi'? Not a chance. Block and forget.

No way.

People do not change.

It's a step backward for you.

Press on.

They can never be what you want them to be.

I would, but treading v carefully so that you can withdraw again if you need to.

OP, do you want continue on this road of peace and progress or to go backwards into the stress, confusion and chaos?

That is the question.

Peace can come with a price.
I absolutely think it is worth paying.
I think you should seek therapy and do nothing until you have explored things.

I suspect they want something from you. If you feel stronger and are happy to put boundaries in place from the start, you could return her very low effort of 'Hi' with a 'Hi'. This puts the ball back in their court. If they then come back with a sob story of poor health, lack of money or a 'what have we done to deserve this message', I would make it clear you don't want to get involved. Keep it polite but make it obvious that their problems are not yours to solve - your relationship now is just one of mild interest. I wouldn't give any specific details of my life and I'd just give generic 'I'm sure you'll sort it out' and 'that sounds lovely' replies to anything they ask you.

No.

I didn't read past your title OP.

I never give 3rd chances to anyone on general principle, and can see no reason for you to do so.

Maybe they were testing you had the same number. If the number was now someone else's they would maybe have gotten a Who is this? message. Ignore and don't dwell op.

How old are they? They’re probably thinking of future care needs.

is it definately from your mum? are you sure her facebook has not been hacked?

i've been trying to be Low Contact with my siblings for an age now, i have achieved it with some, but finding it more difficult with a couple of them. part of me knows i can't have them in my life, and a part of me would love just one more chance to get it right.

i don't see an issue with a '3rd time' assuming its a genuine message, but be prepared for it to go wrong again and work out how many 'times' you are prepared to go through

i would struggle to cut a parent out of my life. My dad was a terrible Father, he didnt have the capacity to prioritise me (or my brother or my mum). Chose himself and a pint (or 6) with his mates down the pub every. Single. Day. In later years he was a massive pain in the arse, drink himself disabled and leaned on me to do things he could do himself but couldn’t be bothered. I didn’t see him a lot but we spoke a lot (when he wanted things). He died 2 years ago and I’m glad I didn’t cut him out entirely. I feel like I did the right thing (for me). Only you know what is the right thing for you though.

After reading your posts about your traumatic childhood/teen years and subsequent demands for money I'd say let sleeping dogs lie. You're happy now.

She wants something. And I can't imagine any circumstance where it would be to your benefit rather than theirs.

Carry on grieving for the parents you should have had, and leave these ones alone, that's my advice. I'm going to hazard a guess that it is either financial or health issues that have made her contact you, and she wants either your time or your money for something. She might even want to tell you that you are in their wills on condition that you do X, Y or Z for them, and if you don't, then you will inherit nothing.

Don't go there.

After reading everything you've written about your parents, I really, really hope you stay no contact. They are very controlling, abusive (being drunk is no excuse to emotionally abuse your child 😢) and toxic. Please preserve the extremely hard-won peace you've carved out for yourself. You deserve it. Wishing you all the best.

Bars on your window and taking your door off? That’s abusive OP.
It is clear that your mother has a problem with alcohol also, and unless that’s been dealt with, prepare for more of the same.
The ‘Hi’ is a testing of the waters. I should imagine your parents want something from you and have a script, it sounds awful but there is no thought or care for you here.
The moving into your house was really manipulative. It’s not normal behaviour.
If you feel you could put boundaries in place that’s up to you, but as your parents are now older I doubt they would suddenly be able to respect them.
You have probably been grieving all of your adult life for the parents you never had. Leaving a terrible relationship has certainly left you feeling vulnerable.
But you also have peace now you have fought for.
In order to be around your parents you may lose it again.

Since you're happy and in a good place, just leave it for now.
You're still rebuilding and getting stronger. Keep your peace.
They are not elderly yet. Just let it be.

OP, I’ve had periods of NC with my mother for 30 years. One of the things I learned was that NC wouldn’t ‘stick’ until I was truly ready to accept that we would never have that mother-daughter relationship I longed for. I last went NC with her in 2020, and I am sure that this is the last time. I have no regrets, I have done my best to try and make it work and I accept that it never will. I have peace now.
if you’re not ready to give up yet, then do what you need to do for now. Having said that, the one-word message you got doesn’t bode well for them accepting any responsibility or making amends, so do bear that in mind.

Whatever you decide to do, be gentle with yourself x

I wouldn’t. You are in a good place now so you don’t want to undo that with more of their toxicity.
We are in a similar situation at the moment, but ours are being more harassing than your mother. I think once you have reached a certain point in NC you just can’t go back. It’s like any break up really. You look back and can’t imagine why you put up with the shitty behaviour for so long.
It is likely to be just more of the same if you reconnect and all you will gain is more hurtful stories to add to their portfolio of awful behaviour.