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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

help I need advice...

44 replies

Foxglove8x · 19/10/2024 21:06

I posted some art that I like on social media of female form (not a photo of me) my bf has told me he doesn't like me posting "sexually suggestive images of women and that other men will be thinking of me as they look at the art. he says if I don't stop posting feminine form or/and delete that he will finish the relationship.

Here is an example of one of the images I posted nbecause I liked and thought it as beautiful. so I often post as I like them and also to store in album on fb.

Am I being inappropriate? I just see it as art. I am not trying to attract men or send any suggestive signals to friends or family. ( the is what bf says other men
and women will think of me because of the image I shared.)

help I need advice...
help I need advice...
help I need advice...
OP posts:
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biscuitandcake · 19/10/2024 21:14

Does he have Instagram? Who does he follow/what does he post? Likewise for other social media. I would understand if you were posting pictures of yourself, or following (or being followed by) loads of random men but those are clearly arty. The idea that any picture of the feminine form should be avoided because of the impact on mens mind is teeth grindingly mysogynistic. Especially when there don't seem to be any expectations placed on men to exhibit similar self control in what they look at.

SallyForf · 19/10/2024 21:15

My response to him would be 'off you fuck then, cuntychops' but you might not be so much of the scorched earth type, perhaps.

You post what you like, art is subjective and you bring your own perspective and opinion to a piece. If he doesn't like it, that's on him.

Using blackmail to get you to change is deplorable. He's offering to put himself in the bin, I say let him do it.

TipsyJoker · 19/10/2024 21:18

He’s being controlling and you should tell him to do one. Post whatever you like. There’s nothing wrong with these.

Shadesofscarlett · 19/10/2024 21:19

i would post as much that I liked and show him the door - silly twat

Ilovelurchers · 19/10/2024 21:27

He sounds extremely controlling to be honest, and perhaps obsessively jealous? Is this the only instance of him objecting to your behaviour/choices?

Are you bisexual, and he thinks that you are attracted to the women in the pictures you post? The examples you have given us aren't particularly sexualised pictures (one of them not at all) so it really seems like he is going out of his way to he jealous and offended.

If you aren't bi, he sounds even more barking mad! But I know it's fairly common for extremely jealous men to start accusing their female partners of fancying other women, even when those partners are straight. I think these men control the girlfriend so much that she never even lays eyes on or speaks to another guy, so then the mental jealousy has to go somewhere so suddenly they decide their partner is bisexual......

Really you just need to ditch the controlling prick. You can't seriously think he has a leg to stand on......

Dontbeme · 19/10/2024 21:33

Try posting Judith Beheading Holofernes by
Artemisia Gentileschi see how he likes that.

Foxglove8x · 19/10/2024 21:39

Hey, I am heterosexual and not interested in anyone else. I will try find the actual pictures I shared in case they are some how bad. I made it clear that it's art work that I like.

I share other things that aren't the female form. he says im sending out a message and that men will look at the photos and think im showing im sexually available and that im like that. that im being personally suggestive with them and making them think about me like that.

He says if I care more about keeping the art there then that shows I don't care about him or love him at all and that I need to go on and delete every "sexually suggestive" picture art of women I have ever shared.

OP posts:
Foxglove8x · 19/10/2024 21:51

these are the actual pictures I posted on my page.. we argued online from 7 ish in morning onwards most of day about it I was so tired and upset I agreed to delete them. I just wanted to find out if I doing something wrong because I didn't feel I had done anything inappropriate.

help I need advice...
help I need advice...
help I need advice...
OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 19/10/2024 22:10

I enjoyed looking at the art you posted here. You've done nothing wrong. It's him...

AuntieDolly · 19/10/2024 22:24

Christ, I've heard it all now. The man's an idiot. What he is saying is how he thinks.

persisted · 19/10/2024 22:48

I'd be worried this is the start of a slippery slope - does he comment on what you wear?

Regardless he's clearly an arse and I'd probably find many beautiful examples of art featuring the female form from throughout history. Then post them twice a day until he either shut up or cleared off. Either would work but I think maybe clearing off would be better long term.

He was also prepared to spend all day wearing you down until you did what he wanted to make him stop. You don't have to put up with that crap.

username3678 · 19/10/2024 22:50

What's the first statue? It's amazing.

You need to dump him.

CheekyHobson · 19/10/2024 22:58

He needs to go, sorry. Controlling wanker.

Fourfurrymonsters · 19/10/2024 23:00

Foxglove8x · 19/10/2024 21:51

these are the actual pictures I posted on my page.. we argued online from 7 ish in morning onwards most of day about it I was so tired and upset I agreed to delete them. I just wanted to find out if I doing something wrong because I didn't feel I had done anything inappropriate.

Edited

You’ve done absolutely nothing wrong and your boyfriend is a prick. Show him the bin.

VikingFortiesCromartyNorthWest4to6South3to5Later · 19/10/2024 23:07

Put on your social media The Dream Of The Fisherman's Wife and watch his head heat up and spin off.

Ilovelurchers · 19/10/2024 23:11

Foxglove8x · 19/10/2024 21:39

Hey, I am heterosexual and not interested in anyone else. I will try find the actual pictures I shared in case they are some how bad. I made it clear that it's art work that I like.

I share other things that aren't the female form. he says im sending out a message and that men will look at the photos and think im showing im sexually available and that im like that. that im being personally suggestive with them and making them think about me like that.

He says if I care more about keeping the art there then that shows I don't care about him or love him at all and that I need to go on and delete every "sexually suggestive" picture art of women I have ever shared.

That's even madder - so he is not feeling jealous because he thinks you are attracted to the women in the pics (which would be pretty mental in itself), but he thinks you are somehow using pictures of other women to signal your own sexual availability? How the fuck has his twisted mind gotten around to that argument????

Or is he saying that men will see the images on your timeline, be sexually aroused by then, and somehow subliminally link that arousal to you? And he thinks you are inviting this?

I mean, oh my God, it's absolutely fucking mad whatever he thinks. I am exhausted even contemplating what his chain of reasoning (if one could even call it that) might be....

If you aren't in too deep, I would dump him. He'll only get worse......

Opentooffers · 19/10/2024 23:22

If someone wants to read into it, it's more likely that a person could think you're gay, given that you like the female form so much that you want to post it lots. But his version is nuts and just shows he has a warped mind.
Yes he's controlling, and in a weak moment you caved. You can still go back on it. How long have you been dating? This will be the tip of the iceberg, other rules will follow. It's the way his mind works, and its not good. Better let him go if that's what he wants.

SnowflakeSmasher86 · 19/10/2024 23:32

The second set of pics you shared are really beautiful and not sexualised at all. He's a controlling twat.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s projecting and is on his own social media looking at sexy photos of women, fantasising about them. Why else would he jump to the conclusion that this is what’s going on with your posts?

Honestly the man is not worth keeping, let him go.

HazelPlayer · 19/10/2024 23:37

I share other things that aren't the female form. he says im sending out a message and that men will look at the photos and think im showing im sexually available and that im like that. that im being personally suggestive with them and making them think about me like that.

He's not awake to ask, but if my partner saw a woman posting things like that on SM, I'd imagine he would think she is into arty, spiritual stuff - end of.

I'm really not sure how men would be associating you with images of females - illustrations or sculpture or whatever.

If women want to attract the attention, interest, admiration etc if men - they don't post images or illustrations of other women. They post angled, filtered, flattering images of themselves.

Is he saying that if a not conventionally attractive woman posted images of females like the ones you've posted - that men would magically become attracted to them (?) Like wtf.

I'll be honest, I find his thinking bat shit.

And there's an underlying level of possessiveness, paranoia, control etc that's v unhealthy.

What would it even matter if some bloke (inexplicably to be) was attracted to you because you posted attractive images of the female form in art etc??
If he trusts you, what would it matter if that bloke eg. messaged you, thinking you are attractive or seeking attention or whatever. You're not single and you'd shut it down.
So what's the issue if a deluded bloke contacts you?!

I still don't think men would look at it that way anyway.

I mean, SM is chock full of women, single or not, who like to post images of themselves - as they see it - looking their best, with cleavage, bikinis, vamped up for a night out etc etc There are millions of images ...why would any man be fixated on mystical illustrations posted on a woman's page.

HazelPlayer · 19/10/2024 23:43

I can't imagine any man I know getting on at his gf about this.

He's slightly unhinged.

The fact that he's caused you stress, is causing strife in your relationship over nonsense like this, is even threatening you that he'll end the relationship if you don't remove some arty farty mystical illustrations of women ...

Accusing you of attracting other men because you've posted some images of the female form.

How exactly does he cope with you going out socially without him? Does he stop you?

How goes he cope with you interacting with other men at work, socially etc.?

I don't think someone this nutty will change.

biscuitandcake · 20/10/2024 00:01

The artwork you posted is beautiful but it's also very feminine. It's not the sort of thing that men would normally be liking on Instagram or saving in their personal drives for later. Sure it's the female form and therefore likely attractive to men in a general sense, but it's very female gaze. Especially with the inspirational quotes. It doesn't feel at all like the sort of thing a woman would post to get male attention - it's more likely to be shared by other women who also like the artwork (it's girly art for girls not in a bad way). Your partner is being ridiculous.

YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 20/10/2024 00:05

He is a bell end. He's just a boyfriend, no mortgage/marriage kids? If so just throw this one back!

Opentooffers · 20/10/2024 00:07

The bottom line is that you are not responsible for other men's thoughts and actions, they are. So it's not down to you to change behaviour because of what this man or others think.
It's exactly this kind of mindset that causes a man to start telling a woman what they can wear when they go out, because other men might be attracted to her if she looks too nice, and that is made out to be her fault, when it never is. Some men are stupidly afraid of other men's thoughts, that's on them, they are being weak. Reality is its never up to the woman to change, the blame is always at the men's door.

teenmaw · 20/10/2024 00:16

Op ffs a whole day spent wearing you down to unexpress your taste in art that you've shared with your friends and family? In the bin, can you not see how controlling that is? This isn't the only way this manifests, have a think about the other things he does while you pack up his stuff and sit it all outside

TipsyJoker · 20/10/2024 00:16

This is a massive red flag. The fact that he kept going on until you eventually agreed to do what he asked, (which was completely unreasonable btw) and he threatened to end the relationship if you didn’t do what he asked. This man will only get worse. Before you realise what’s happened he will be controlling what you wear, where you go, who you can see, who you can talk to, what you can do online, where you can look, (keep your eyes down when you’re outside and don’t look at any other men), what you can say, how you’re meant to feel, and so on. It’s abusive behaviour and I would caution you that it will escalate. These men always escalate. Please don’t have any children with him and consider ending the relationship.

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