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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

please help me to understand something

40 replies

ummami · 19/10/2024 13:22

Hi,

Sorry, it's long!

Could you please help me to understand something that happened to me.

We rented the house for two nights with other family. On the second night we had a wedding and me and my husband didn't know anyone so we, especially me, didn't have good time and he got angry with me blah blah blah. When we got back into the house he said we need to talk, I said, right, I'd get DS to bed and then we can talk. So, after, DS was in bed, we went out but then I thought 'what the heck I'm doing', it was quite late and in London, so I got back into the house and went to check on my DS.

When I got into the bedroom, my husband's friend was sitting on the bed his face something like 30cm away from face of my DS, his hands on both sides of my DS's head, I didn't hear anything when was climbing the stairs. When I got into the room, I sat on the bed behind the guy and waited. And then, after several seconds, this guy asked my DS which bit he liked most on that day. My DS didn't answer and after like 30 sec or so he wriggled out and came to me. The guy left the room without saying a word to me, nothing, just left.

It made me feel very uncomfortable. He was way too close to my DS for my liking. He is also rude to me, in that he ignored me, doesn't look at me, when I sit at the table he would stand up and walk away, he doesn't want to talk to me, he would stare at his phone when I say something to him. Earlier in the year, when he came to our house, he waited in his car until I left for work, and when I passed his car he didn't say hello or waved or anything and we live on very quiet road, it's not like there's lots of cars around and he was like a metre away from me. When we went camping once, he didn't expect me to be there and I could see disappointment of his face, he was taking his son to the loo and asked my son if he would like to come. All this separately could be innocent but taken together I have some suspicions towards this guy.

I tried to talk to my husband but he really likes this guy, and says he is great etc and that I'm mad, disgusting, wrong and that his friend doesn't like talking to me because I'm not interesting enough (!). I mean, he doesn't really say it, he shouts at me and bullies me, threatens that if I say this to anyone the guy will sue me, that my husband would loose his job, that we would end up in the caravan.

I have no one to talk to about it but it bothers me enormously. My chest it's so tight that I can't breathe, but I'm trying to look after myself because I'm scared to death that if I die or get ill this guy will have free access to my son.

What do you think? Would you be concerned if you witnessed something like that. I just don't know what to think about it any more. It took me three months and this guy's attempt to see my DS again, that slowly I realised that there's something wrong. I also wanted to add that I was sexually abused as a child so I'm quite sensitive on this subject.

OP posts:
MiddleagedBeachbum · 19/10/2024 13:24

Yes, I’d keep him away from your son

Needmorelego · 19/10/2024 13:24

How old is your son?
Who is this guy in relation to you?

ummami · 19/10/2024 13:27

Thanks for your replies! My son is 7, this guy is 40 I think. He's my husband's friend.

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 19/10/2024 13:30

@ummami tell your husband he has a choice.
You and your son in your life or this friend in his life.
Not both.
Say you don't want this man near you or your child ever again. If your husband doesn't agree you take your son and leave (a women's shelter if needs be).
This man can't sue you for saying "we don't want you in our life anymore".

ummami · 19/10/2024 13:33

I told him that yesterday and he said he's going to stay his friend. I would move out today if I could, it's of course the money and childcare.

OP posts:
Needmorelego · 19/10/2024 13:42

@ummami take your son and go. Go to a refuge if you need to. They will help you.
Apply for maintenance from your husband. Apply for any benefits you can get.
Ask for help from your sons school if you don't know who else to talk too. Schools usually have a family welfare person.
Your husband is disgusting to choose his friend over you and your son (I assume also his son).
💐

EggnogAnd · 19/10/2024 13:49

This is weirdly written -- what does the wedding or your husband not enjoying himself because he didn't know anyone else there got to do with anything? Why were you going out to talk? Are you saying your child had been left at the rental house in London with other family members babysitting while you went out, but then you suddenly went back to the house? Why was your husband's friend in your son's bedroom? Was he the one babysitting? Why didn't you say 'What are you doing here?', instead of sitting down on the bed behind him? What has whether or not he was rude to you in the past got to do with anything? Why was he in your rental house? Why would your husband lose his job or you end up in a caravan? Are you saying you think this man is a paedophile?

wickerlady · 19/10/2024 13:52

EggnogAnd · 19/10/2024 13:49

This is weirdly written -- what does the wedding or your husband not enjoying himself because he didn't know anyone else there got to do with anything? Why were you going out to talk? Are you saying your child had been left at the rental house in London with other family members babysitting while you went out, but then you suddenly went back to the house? Why was your husband's friend in your son's bedroom? Was he the one babysitting? Why didn't you say 'What are you doing here?', instead of sitting down on the bed behind him? What has whether or not he was rude to you in the past got to do with anything? Why was he in your rental house? Why would your husband lose his job or you end up in a caravan? Are you saying you think this man is a paedophile?

All of my questions too!

TronaldDumps · 19/10/2024 13:53

So you went out and left your son with a man who you don't like and have suspicions about? I don't understand why you'd do that.

Is your husband indebted to the person? It all sounds really odd, why wouldn't you question him instead of creeping into the room after you saw him?

Not sure why he'd 'sue' you for discussing this with your husband. Why would you be relegated to a caravan?

BobbyBiscuits · 19/10/2024 13:53

I'm a bit confused as half the story doesn't seem relevant. Basically some guy was in your son's room, holding his face and talking to him and you thought it seemed off/possibly dodgy.
Your husband thinks this guy is safe and still wants to be his friend.
But you don't have to let your son be in his company ever. Tell your husband you don't like the guy, and you and son will have no contact with him. You can't force him to stop speaking to him but he must be a shit dad if he puts his friendship with this weirdo above his family's comfort/safety.
I hope your son is OK?

Blondiebeachbabe · 19/10/2024 14:04

EggnogAnd · 19/10/2024 13:49

This is weirdly written -- what does the wedding or your husband not enjoying himself because he didn't know anyone else there got to do with anything? Why were you going out to talk? Are you saying your child had been left at the rental house in London with other family members babysitting while you went out, but then you suddenly went back to the house? Why was your husband's friend in your son's bedroom? Was he the one babysitting? Why didn't you say 'What are you doing here?', instead of sitting down on the bed behind him? What has whether or not he was rude to you in the past got to do with anything? Why was he in your rental house? Why would your husband lose his job or you end up in a caravan? Are you saying you think this man is a paedophile?

This pretty much sums up what I was thinking. The whole OP is weird.

ummami · 19/10/2024 14:04

what does the wedding or your husband not enjoying himself because he didn't know anyone else there got to do with anything? - just the background

Why were you going out to talk? - I don't know, my husband's idea

Are you saying your child had been left at the rental house in London with other family members babysitting while you went out, but then you suddenly went back to the house? - yes, not family members, friend's family, until that day trusted

Why was your husband's friend in your son's bedroom? - no idea, he shouldn't be there as his son was wathing the tv

Was he the one babysitting? - we didn't ask him to babysit, I can see it was stupid of me to leave my son in this house but I trusted this family

Why didn't you say 'What are you doing here?', instead of sitting down on the bed behind him? - because I'm a slow thinker and didn't know what to do, was surprised by the whole situation

What has whether or not he was rude to you in the past got to do with anything? - I thought it might be relevant

Why was he in your rental house? - we rented it together

Why would your husband lose his job or you end up in a caravan? - he said so not me, I asked you if that makes sense

Are you saying you think this man is a paedophile? - I have concerns that he may be

OP posts:
wickerlady · 19/10/2024 14:12

Have you asked your son what happened?

ummami · 19/10/2024 14:16

I asked him what this guy was saying to him but he said he doesn't remember. Only later I realised that I actually didn't hear any conversation but didn't want to bother my son again.

I'm a foreigner and do realise that my written English is a bit different.

OP posts:
TipsyJoker · 19/10/2024 14:33

Contact women’s aid immediately. You need to leave now. Your son is in danger. This man sounds predatory and your husband sounds complicit. It sounds as if he had made an arrangement with this man to get you out of the house and your son isolated so he could have access to him. This is extremely disturbing. Please go to women’s aid. If you can, take birth certificates, bank cards, any medications you or you son need, passports with you. Don’t tell your husband anything. Just go. Women’s aid will put you in temporary accommodation whilst they source a home for you. They will help you claim benefits. They can also go through your legal options and when you’re there you can report your concerns about your son to them.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t have anything. You will get set up in a place of your own with support. Leave and don’t tell anyone where you’re going. Ask to be housed far away from where you are. Start a new life with your son away from them. Report this to the police once you are safe. Report your concerns and report that you were threatened.

leojeojao · 19/10/2024 16:32

TipsyJoker · 19/10/2024 14:33

Contact women’s aid immediately. You need to leave now. Your son is in danger. This man sounds predatory and your husband sounds complicit. It sounds as if he had made an arrangement with this man to get you out of the house and your son isolated so he could have access to him. This is extremely disturbing. Please go to women’s aid. If you can, take birth certificates, bank cards, any medications you or you son need, passports with you. Don’t tell your husband anything. Just go. Women’s aid will put you in temporary accommodation whilst they source a home for you. They will help you claim benefits. They can also go through your legal options and when you’re there you can report your concerns about your son to them.
It doesn’t matter if you don’t have anything. You will get set up in a place of your own with support. Leave and don’t tell anyone where you’re going. Ask to be housed far away from where you are. Start a new life with your son away from them. Report this to the police once you are safe. Report your concerns and report that you were threatened.

Exactly my thoughts.

Mrsknowitall · 19/10/2024 18:18

Tbh I’d be pretty wary of your husband too, getting you out the house so you can talk and then emotionally blackmailing you in to keeping your mouth shut about concerns you have regarding your child and this man, this sounds really dodgy to me and I’d take my son and run as far away as I could and as soon as I could, fuck child care and money like people have said get yourself to a refuge

Quitelikeit · 19/10/2024 18:21

Oh my goodness keep this man away from your son

Other men don’t offer to take kids to the toilet

coolkatt · 19/10/2024 18:32

Get his details all of his details ask police for a check. Clare's law, Sarah's law x

MeganM3 · 19/10/2024 18:40

I am so sorry but your husband may be involved.
I really think his behaviour is suspicious. He could also be a child abuser - to put it bluntly. Stranger things have happened.
Yes - jumping to conclusions- but I think you need to think the worst at this point.
A man has been on the bed of your young child while he thought you were out and the father is not concerned.
The fact you are already a victim of abuse means statistically you are more likely to be with an abuser too. He may be hiding it.

ummami · 19/10/2024 21:57

Thank you all for your replies. I feel so bad that it took me so long to process what I saw and then had doubts. I did get lots of abuse, bullying and gaslighting in my life. I'm better now than in the past.

I think my husband trusted this man so much and he went into denial. This guy had him basically wrapped around his finger. I told him that, but of course he says that's not true.

OP posts:
ummami · 19/10/2024 22:16

Yeah, I will pack a few things and keep them ready. I don't think that my husband is goin to hurt me/be violent but I will get prepared, just in case.

I will call women's aid, thanks @TipsyJoker

@coolkatt I will check with the police.

Do you think I should tell someone about it, like, I don't know, social services?

OP posts:
CrispyCrumpets · 19/10/2024 22:23

Definitely make sure this man is never allowed anywhere near your son again. Trust your instincts here, the situation you describe is not normal.

I also have a bad feeling about your husband encouraging you to leave the house and his reaction afterwards.

Is your husband your son's father?

ummami · 19/10/2024 22:27

Quitelikeit · 19/10/2024 18:21

Oh my goodness keep this man away from your son

Other men don’t offer to take kids to the toilet

How stupid I was... Still, could be worse. He invited my son for a sleepover on behalf of his son, and there is no really strong connection between those two, I remember my son was asking me, like really asking 'mummy please please' that I went there with him... and fortunately before that we went to London and I saw how creepy this guy was. The very thought fills me with dread.

OP posts:
ummami · 19/10/2024 22:32

@CrispyCrumpets Yes, he is the father and he loves our son very much, I don't think that he could hurt or let someone else hurt him. But he is weak. I agree it sounds dodgy but I really don't think it was arranged.

OP posts: