please help me to understand something

[ummami]

Hi,

Sorry, it's long!

Could you please help me to understand something that happened to me.

We rented the house for two nights with other family. On the second night we had a wedding and me and my husband didn't know anyone so we, especially me, didn't have good time and he got angry with me blah blah blah. When we got back into the house he said we need to talk, I said, right, I'd get DS to bed and then we can talk. So, after, DS was in bed, we went out but then I thought 'what the heck I'm doing', it was quite late and in London, so I got back into the house and went to check on my DS.

When I got into the bedroom, my husband's friend was sitting on the bed his face something like 30cm away from face of my DS, his hands on both sides of my DS's head, I didn't hear anything when was climbing the stairs. When I got into the room, I sat on the bed behind the guy and waited. And then, after several seconds, this guy asked my DS which bit he liked most on that day. My DS didn't answer and after like 30 sec or so he wriggled out and came to me. The guy left the room without saying a word to me, nothing, just left.

It made me feel very uncomfortable. He was way too close to my DS for my liking. He is also rude to me, in that he ignored me, doesn't look at me, when I sit at the table he would stand up and walk away, he doesn't want to talk to me, he would stare at his phone when I say something to him. Earlier in the year, when he came to our house, he waited in his car until I left for work, and when I passed his car he didn't say hello or waved or anything and we live on very quiet road, it's not like there's lots of cars around and he was like a metre away from me. When we went camping once, he didn't expect me to be there and I could see disappointment of his face, he was taking his son to the loo and asked my son if he would like to come. All this separately could be innocent but taken together I have some suspicions towards this guy.

I tried to talk to my husband but he really likes this guy, and says he is great etc and that I'm mad, disgusting, wrong and that his friend doesn't like talking to me because I'm not interesting enough (!). I mean, he doesn't really say it, he shouts at me and bullies me, threatens that if I say this to anyone the guy will sue me, that my husband would loose his job, that we would end up in the caravan.

I have no one to talk to about it but it bothers me enormously. My chest it's so tight that I can't breathe, but I'm trying to look after myself because I'm scared to death that if I die or get ill this guy will have free access to my son.

What do you think? Would you be concerned if you witnessed something like that. I just don't know what to think about it any more. It took me three months and this guy's attempt to see my DS again, that slowly I realised that there's something wrong. I also wanted to add that I was sexually abused as a child so I'm quite sensitive on this subject.

The whole thing is bizarre. You went away to a rented house with another family and then went to a wedding where you and your husband doesn't know anyone? Who invites people they don't know to their wedding?

You don't need help understanding this as the whole thing is at best inexplicable and at worst deeply, deeply, disturbing. It isn't just this man, it's your husband too. You need to get out and get some support in understanding how to keep your child safe.

I think that you might be right and there's something wrong going on between this man and your son. There are some concerning points about his interaction with you, as well as with your son.

People who groom kids use these seemingly benign and unexpected times to get access to the kids. They threaten and manipulate and can convince them to do whatever they want them to. Your son might not be able to tell you or not know if he is being abused, he's so young and would tend to trust "Daddy's good friend".

It's very strange for your husband to think he'd lose his job or be sued for asking if there's anything inappropriate going on or just making sure your son is never unattended around the man. It sounds like he's either intimidated by his friend or trying to manipulate you into being too scared to investigate. A good friend might be horrified to think he's under suspicion but if he's a decent human he'd want your son to be safe too!

I would definitely be looking for some outside assistance, trust your gut. It's better to be safe than sorry. Both social services and the police will have people trained in finding out about things of this nature. For all you and your husband know, the friend might be known to them.

You might lose a friend but better that than your son being abused for however long into the future.

There is a power play between this man and your husband. It is very powerful because this man feels he has the confidence to now exercise power over your child.

This man is very dangerous and you must go to the police. He is probably a groomer and trafficker. You will have to be prepared to do it on your own without your husband, even if that means separation.

Do not be concerned about notions of 'caravans' - the police will not care about that background and that is not where your child should end up.

I will add that this man will have other contacts, maybe his family, who will be dangerous too.

This pretty much sums up what I was thinking. The whole OP is weird.

OP your suspicions sound completely justified and it also sounds like your marriage is over. I hope you get help to separate safely. I hope you access support as it’s not clear from your posts if you have the capacity to deal with this on your own.

And mine

OP, follow this advise PLEASE 🙏
Your story made my blood run cold. You say you were sexually abused as a child: please TRUST YOURSELF. This man is clearly a predator and I agree 100% with @TipsyJoker : it seems an arranged situation between him and your husband. Seek help, now 🙏

I think you were telling us about the wedding and the argument you had after it to explain why you were in a house with these people and why you initially went out with your H leaving DS with the friends?
Anyway, the important point is that you came back unexpectedly and caught your Hs friend in your sons room inappropriately close to him, and before this he had tried to get your son to go to the toilet with him. Now you don't want this man around, and your H has sided with him, not you.
You are right to keep this man from your son and should also get away from your H. Your H sounds as odd as his friend.
Contact women's aid. Tell them everything. They won't mind how you explain it. They will be patient with you and help you tell the story. Then they will help you.

Hi. I think you need to go over again in your mind what happened, what you saw, the facts etc. then make a judgement. If you feel concerned that this man is a danger to children (including his own son) then you could anonymously inform social services. They may or may not act on your information however if others have also expressed concern this information can be included in creating a clearer picture of what he is like and will be useful to them. You can be honest with them and explain you are not sure but wanted to share your experience in case it is relevant. It is important that we do what we can to make sure all children are safe.

OP, I hope you are ok. I know you mentioned that English isn't your first language (and given that, your English is really very good!) but there are other things in your post that make me a bit concerned for well-being. For example that you fear dying and what will happen to your son if you die......

Do you often have thoughts like this? They can be a sign that you are maybe suffering from some kind of mental distress - not your fault and nothing to be ashamed of, and actually quite common - but it may be you would benefit from speaking to somebody about these feelings, maybe GP as a first port of call, who could assess and see if you maybe need some support with your emotions.

As for this man, it's impossible for any of us to know whether or not he is a threat. I wouldn't be especially concerned if a friend who was babysitting my child was in the child's room talking to them - I'd assume they were checking on the child, or that the child had woken. Same with asking a child if they need to go to the loo - that's something I would do and have done on day trips etc if I am going to the loo myself.

But that is NOT to say that your feelings and fears are wrong - they may well not be. I just don't think it will necessarily help you to read posts on here and become convinced that the man is definitely a threat to your son, as please remember, nobody on here can know this. Again, I think the best course might be an appointment with your GP, and talk through all your concerns, as they will hopefully be able to help you sort out in your head what is really happening.

As moms, we are often quite rightly highly vigilant and protective of our children. If we are under pressure, it is possible for that protectiveness to become heightened so that we can even see threats which aren't there. It's not unusual and it is something you can get help with.

Or, you may be totally right to fear this man. None of us can know.

What you say about your husband does concern me - from what you say he sounds like an argumentative, dismissive bully. Poor you, you do have such a lot going on - again I feel this is an area you may benefit from some real life support, to help you decide whether this relationship is a healthy one for you.

Please reach out to someone in real life OP. Your panic and distress is obvious from your posts. Nobody should have to feel like that, and help is out there. Sending love and strength.

I really don't understand this, your son said he doesnt remember and that was that? You said you didn't want to bother by asking again. Surely if you suspect something as serious as CSA or grooming you would enquire a bit. How do you know DS wasnt confiding in this man about the way DH shouts at you? Maybe he needed someone to talk to. It seems like you are putting 2 and 2 together and getting 5. It also seems like you didn't ask this man what they were talking about. I dont understand why that wasn't the first question. You've branded someone as a paedophile without any information at all. Maybe you are absolutely right about this man's intentions, I'm not saying dismiss your gut reactions either but at least do some investigation before you point the finger.

Sorry for not replying earlier but just so tired and not feeling my best.

Thank you for your replies, really really appreciate it!

I told my husband in the morning what you wrote and that he can cancel his days off for half term as I don't trust him to stay with our son. He got really upset and called the GP and GP advised to make appointment with 'relate'. So we're going to talk to professional about it and we'll take it from there, so I'm going to tell everything what I saw, what I think and feel. I really don't think that my husband is involved, he has lots of flaws, and he can be awful sometimes (I know I'm forgiving him way too much) but I really don't think he is child abuser.

I will let you know what the counsellor says... I'm actually feeling a tiny bit positive about it! I said to my husband that instead of acting against each other we should try to get to the bottom of it. I'm absolutely determined to fight for my son's wellbeing.

Feeling very bad mum for leaving my son in the house with this guy.

@Dontlletmedownbruce I think I'm just scared to know but I decided that I'm going to ask my son what happened. It was 4 moths ago so not sure if he remembers anything but I will try.
We don't really shout at each other when our son is present (happened a few times and my son got very upset so now we shout at each other late at night, early morning, on the phone or I take time off work!), but even if my son was upset and wanted to talk to someone/him, I think I would have heard some chatting when climbing the stairs but there was complete silence and that's why this feels me with dread. I was out for something like 5 minutes max.

Thanks @IlovelurchersYes, I do have fear of dying because my son, we're very close and I want to look after him. I talked to GP about it a few years ago and she put me on Sertraline for two years. It helped but I think I'll have to start taking it again. She also said that's quite normal for mums to feel this way.

@ForPearlViper Well, my husband and his friend work with the guy that was getting married. The rest of the guests were his friends and pretty much all of them at least twenty years younger.

I'm glad you are talking to someone OP, well done for doing that.

@5128gap yes, exactly for that reason. Thanks, I may call 'women's aid', I'm also planning to call 'stop it now'. It really helps to talk about it.

I'm really glad to hear you are getting some help with this and wish you the best. The professionals are going to be best placed to get to the bottom of it. In the meantime you just have to keep your son away from this man, so he doesn't have access to do anything bad to him, if that's what he's planning.