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Original poster

Is settling always bad?

47 replies

smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 13:15

I'm mid 40's still single, never been in a relationship that lasted more than 2 years and I have been on and off the apps for years.

Currently seeing a guy about my age, nice guy who seems keen and I do like him and our relationship is progressing meeting each other families and friends. I'll be honest though he isn't bowling me over, he doesn't make much money, lives in a house share in his 40's and hasn't the best job prospects but he is generous and a hard worker. I'm older, probably too old to be a mum and I'm the first woman his age he's dated for about 10 years since non of his relationships with younger women have worked out. I think ideally he'd like to be a dad but feels like he may have missed the boat.

Things are good in many ways and perhaps if we do both just accept reality and "settle" for each other we could end up really happy? The truth is the odds of either of us getting the person we'd hoped for years ago is unlikely and perhaps we both need to adjust our expectations a bit and appreciate what we have rather than chase something that has passed us by.

Is settling always bad or can it be a wise choice?

OP posts:
Autumnblackberries · 19/10/2024 13:17

Always a bad choice to settle for a man.
Unless you really want children, then I'd look at expanding your female friendship group instead.

Original poster
smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 13:19

@Autumnblackberries I have great female friends but I'm not likely to move in with any of them or be able to split the cost of living with them or come home to them any of that stuff. I am probably too old for kids.

OP posts:
Sunrise1708 · 19/10/2024 13:26

Depends what you want and what he has to offer. He doesn't seem like a bad person, just a little set in his ways without any get up and go. Depends how invested you are. Settling isn't so bad if there's potential. Let's face it, all of us settle in the end for a flawed someone. None of us are perfect.

When I met my partner, she was off work, longterm sick with depression and anxiety. Not exactly the ideal starting point for a relationship. She also hoards things too. She still has anxiety but is a lot better. I've settled for her. She's not perfect but, neither am I.

Original poster
smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 13:35

@Sunrise1708 I see what you are saying, I wonder if its easier to feel like your aren't settling if you get together with someone when young when people are still all possibility as opposed being older and having failed at certain things and having a few issues. Perhaps the idea that you get the dream person is a bit of an illusion which is easier to maintain when you are both shiny and new young people.

OP posts:
JamDonutAddict · 19/10/2024 13:35

Sunrise1708 · 19/10/2024 13:26

Depends what you want and what he has to offer. He doesn't seem like a bad person, just a little set in his ways without any get up and go. Depends how invested you are. Settling isn't so bad if there's potential. Let's face it, all of us settle in the end for a flawed someone. None of us are perfect.

When I met my partner, she was off work, longterm sick with depression and anxiety. Not exactly the ideal starting point for a relationship. She also hoards things too. She still has anxiety but is a lot better. I've settled for her. She's not perfect but, neither am I.

But you love them so much it doesn't feel like settling. I'd change nothing about my husband right now.

JamDonutAddict · 19/10/2024 13:37

smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 13:35

@Sunrise1708 I see what you are saying, I wonder if its easier to feel like your aren't settling if you get together with someone when young when people are still all possibility as opposed being older and having failed at certain things and having a few issues. Perhaps the idea that you get the dream person is a bit of an illusion which is easier to maintain when you are both shiny and new young people.

My husband asked why you feel it's settling btw, if you're both working could you live together and feel a bit more positive?

TheQueeen · 19/10/2024 13:39

I don’t get it; there is no perfect person, but there is the person you fall in love with, and feel more for than anyone, that you feel like you cannot live without, that is irreplaceable. Wait for that person, or be single js how I’ve done things. I’d hate to end up with someone that felt the way you did about me.

PippyPip · 19/10/2024 13:40

I wouldn’t call it settling - I think when you get older your ideals naturally change and you learn that you have to compromise on some things.

Original poster
smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 13:40

@JamDonutAddict I think its just a process of accepting where I am now, and what my options are realistically and what is important at this point in my life. Yeah I think we could be happy together, if we pooled out resources we'd be better off I think and he's a good guy its I know that previously he wanted to meet someone younger to have a family and I felt like I wanted someone who could be more of a provider or something like that.

OP posts:
EggnogAnd · 19/10/2024 13:42

It doesn't sound like much of a basis for a relationship. The two women I know who settled did so for a specific reason, because they wanted children and were running out of time, so they chose someone stable and whom they thought would make a good father and co-parent. I don't think these relationships will necessarily last forever, but they seem to be rubbing along amiably enough at the moment, eight to ten years in. They will have achieved they key thing they wanted from the relationship, though, either way -- parenthood.

If you settle for a man you sound very lukewarm about even at this early stage, what's in it for you, other than not being single?

Original poster
smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 13:42

PippyPip · 19/10/2024 13:40

I wouldn’t call it settling - I think when you get older your ideals naturally change and you learn that you have to compromise on some things.

Yeah I think that is where I am at now. letting go of things that used to matter a lot to me and focusing on other stuff. I think it used to really matter to me how the guy I was with reflected on me, did he look good, dress well, go places, make good money. I mean I was with guys like that and it never worked out for me and I often felt on the back foot with them where as this relationship is peaceful and nice.

OP posts:
EggnogAnd · 19/10/2024 13:42

smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 13:40

@JamDonutAddict I think its just a process of accepting where I am now, and what my options are realistically and what is important at this point in my life. Yeah I think we could be happy together, if we pooled out resources we'd be better off I think and he's a good guy its I know that previously he wanted to meet someone younger to have a family and I felt like I wanted someone who could be more of a provider or something like that.

Do you need a 'provider', though, if you're not going to be compromising your earnings by having children?

Original poster
smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 13:45

EggnogAnd · 19/10/2024 13:42

Do you need a 'provider', though, if you're not going to be compromising your earnings by having children?

Show quote history

Well this is the thing its me hitting an age where kids are no longer a realistic option and having to adjust that expectation accordingly. I suppose there is some residue of feeling like I wasn't good enough to get a certain kind of man. I also know that is bollocks and what really matters is how things are between us in private.

OP posts:
researchers3 · 19/10/2024 13:46

My take is there is settling with your head and settling with your heart.

If you're not in love with this guy and won't be, let him go. My ex settled with me for 17 years. The second the woman he really wanted became free he was gone in a flash. I'll never get over the callousness of it.

Unless you're both on the same page and open about what you're both getting out of it.

Gettingbysomehow · 19/10/2024 13:46

I'd rather stay alone than settle. I've settled before and it's a big mistake. I feel I deserve better. I've worked really hard for everything in my life and I want the man in my life to have the same as I do and some get up and go.
I couldn't respect him long term otherwise.

StormingNorman · 19/10/2024 13:49

It sounds unfair on both of you. He hasn’t missed the boat for children as men never really do - you’ll be left high and dry when someone who can give him children comes along.

Original poster
smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 13:49

researchers3 · 19/10/2024 13:46

My take is there is settling with your head and settling with your heart.

If you're not in love with this guy and won't be, let him go. My ex settled with me for 17 years. The second the woman he really wanted became free he was gone in a flash. I'll never get over the callousness of it.

Unless you're both on the same page and open about what you're both getting out of it.

There really isn't anyone else I want. There was an idea of what I wanted and there probably were guys who fit that ideal I could have married but they were awful in some way so I left them. If anything there is more danger that he could meet a younger woman who could give him a child and then perhaps he would leave, although he says he wouldn't.

OP posts:
pikkumyy77 · 19/10/2024 13:53

smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 13:40

@JamDonutAddict I think its just a process of accepting where I am now, and what my options are realistically and what is important at this point in my life. Yeah I think we could be happy together, if we pooled out resources we'd be better off I think and he's a good guy its I know that previously he wanted to meet someone younger to have a family and I felt like I wanted someone who could be more of a provider or something like that.

I don’t think its bad to settle for your husband But for god’s sake Do not choose a man who is settling for you—that is a recipe for disaster. If he wants a younger woman who can give him children will eventually jump ship and find her. Or resent you for not giving them to him.

ChristmasFluff · 19/10/2024 13:56

If you're going to settle, at least settle with someone of the same calibre as yourself.

So if you too live in a houseshare and have poor job prospects, then crack on. But if you know you are settling, there's nothing more likely to breed resentment than being the one who is carrying the other person.

I cannot imagine settling, and never would have.

JamDonutAddict · 19/10/2024 14:00

OP - Oh so you think he's settling too?

@researchers3 Ah I was gonna say if someone settles then what if they find their ideal partner but... 17 years? Seriously fuck him in the anus hun.

Onelifeonly · 19/10/2024 14:04

Depends on what you mean and how long you've been seeing him. If you mean he doesn't set your world on fire but it feels comfortable and right to be with him, then yes it could work. If you have doubts but just like the idea of having a relationship, then no. If you haven't known him long, you could wait to see how things develop however.

There are plenty of things to cause doubt and conflict in relationships. If you don't feel convinced it's right, then you are setting yourself up for a lot of potential resentment and annoyance. Not to mention not being fair to him.

Maybe you aren't even suited to a long term relationship? Some people aren't, and that's OK. Or maybe there are things within yourself that sabotage relationships. If you have never had therapy for this, it might be worth giving that a go.

Someone I know could never feel strongly for someone who was very keen on them. They preferred to chase the unattainable and ended up with no one. They're content with their life now.

Original poster
smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 14:07

ChristmasFluff · 19/10/2024 13:56

If you're going to settle, at least settle with someone of the same calibre as yourself.

So if you too live in a houseshare and have poor job prospects, then crack on. But if you know you are settling, there's nothing more likely to breed resentment than being the one who is carrying the other person.

I cannot imagine settling, and never would have.

I am not sure I'd be carrying him, I have my own flat I own outright but it isn't hugely valuable. I do have a better job and income than him but as long as he was contributing fairly then we'd both be better off. He does most of the cooking as well as he is good at it and enjoys it. Ideally if we were to live together I'd prefer us to get a bigger place but of course I'd imagine it would be me paying the deposit from the sale of this flat. If we got a mortgage together I suppose I could be disadvantaging myself if things didn't workout as I currently own my flat outright.

OP posts:
Sunrise1708 · 19/10/2024 14:24

smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 13:35

@Sunrise1708 I see what you are saying, I wonder if its easier to feel like your aren't settling if you get together with someone when young when people are still all possibility as opposed being older and having failed at certain things and having a few issues. Perhaps the idea that you get the dream person is a bit of an illusion which is easier to maintain when you are both shiny and new young people.

As you get older, your priorities change. With that, your notion of the ideal person also changes. That's been my experience. None of us are perfect. But what is perfect is finding someone who gets you. Finding someone who is thankful to have you in their life. That person may not have the house, the car, the good job or the high salary. They may not have all their shit together either. But they may be the person who supports you on a really bad day or is your biggest fan. Find someone who you can lay under the duvet with arguing about who makes breakfast in bed...that's priceless!

Original poster
smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 14:26

@Onelifeonly

"Someone I know could never feel strongly for someone who was very keen on them. They preferred to chase the unattainable and ended up with no one. They're content with their life now."

I know people like this, I boy I dated in university was saving his heart for Bjork, yes he really said that Bjork of all people, who still doesn't know he exists. He had a bunch of short term relationships and is still single at 48. I don't think I am like this myself I've been unlucky with men and was perhaps to hesitant to get seriously involved when I was in my teens and early 20's when perhaps the best guys were still available.

I definitely want a partner in life.

OP posts:
JamDonutAddict · 19/10/2024 14:36

smolyhoke · 19/10/2024 14:26

@Onelifeonly

"Someone I know could never feel strongly for someone who was very keen on them. They preferred to chase the unattainable and ended up with no one. They're content with their life now."

I know people like this, I boy I dated in university was saving his heart for Bjork, yes he really said that Bjork of all people, who still doesn't know he exists. He had a bunch of short term relationships and is still single at 48. I don't think I am like this myself I've been unlucky with men and was perhaps to hesitant to get seriously involved when I was in my teens and early 20's when perhaps the best guys were still available.

I definitely want a partner in life.

What's bjork?