Is settling always bad?

[smolyhoke]

I'm mid 40's still single, never been in a relationship that lasted more than 2 years and I have been on and off the apps for years.

Currently seeing a guy about my age, nice guy who seems keen and I do like him and our relationship is progressing meeting each other families and friends. I'll be honest though he isn't bowling me over, he doesn't make much money, lives in a house share in his 40's and hasn't the best job prospects but he is generous and a hard worker. I'm older, probably too old to be a mum and I'm the first woman his age he's dated for about 10 years since non of his relationships with younger women have worked out. I think ideally he'd like to be a dad but feels like he may have missed the boat.

Things are good in many ways and perhaps if we do both just accept reality and "settle" for each other we could end up really happy? The truth is the odds of either of us getting the person we'd hoped for years ago is unlikely and perhaps we both need to adjust our expectations a bit and appreciate what we have rather than chase something that has passed us by.

Is settling always bad or can it be a wise choice?

Same! But none of those relationships ended well for me. Now all those things are less important and I just want someone who will actually be interested in me for me and be an equal.

Plus, I used to be very career oriented but I have recently changed job for something slower paced and not so well paid.. I feel it would be hypocritical of me to demand a partner who is job obsessed!

@JamDonutAddict She's a singer and composer, she was a famous pop star in the 90's and early 2000's.

@PippyPip Thanks for sharing this, it helps to know someone else gets what I am saying and how I'm feeling.

I'd date but not marry.

On the other hand, watch the old movie "Marty." It's quite poignant, especially the last scene. It will resonate with many.

It's on Amazon streaming.

I think there’s good settling and bad settling.

Good- you always dreamt of meeting a man who was 6’ tall with blue eyes and a Ferrari. You then fall in love with a guy who is 5’6” with a dodgy knee and a Fiat Panda, and realise none of that other stuff actually matters.

Bad- you stay in a relationship that doesn’t make you happy because you’re scared of the alternative.

You sound closer to the latter, OP, especially the emphasis on practical points like shared costs. But only you know for sure. I don’t think love needs to be like fireworks but it needs to be something more than deciding you’re out of other options.

You would absolutely be foolish to do so. It is disadvantageous to you to marry if you have all the assets.

My partner is far from perfect but then so am I but I love him and wouldn’t change him for the world.

I think settling in general is fine to a degree but I wouldn’t be settling with this one!

There's a difference between settling and compromise. No one person will ever fulfil all our wishes for the perfect man. Compromise is about realising that the normal, natural faults this person happens to have are ones we can tolerate/accommodate long term, even if they annoy us, because so much else about the person makes us feel happy and safe and alive. Friends of mine compromise on things I couldn't tolerate for a week let alone a lifetime - and I know I compromise very happily on aspects of DH's character that would have had them leave him years ago.

Settling is different, imo. It is deciding that someone you don't feel much for is better than no one simply because they are available and seem interested in you.

What do you love, like, respect and admire about this man? How do you feel at the end of a whole day spent together - energised or drained? Do you have interesting conversations, good sex, make each other laugh? Is he kind if you are ill? Does he know how to make up like an adult after a disagreement? Do you have shared dreams for the future? Do you have similar moral standards? If he dropped out of your life right now, would you feel bereft?

Only you know if you are compromising or settling. I think compromise is a good policy for long term happiness with a man. Settling isn't fair on anyone.

I think settling without children is very different to settling and having children. You can leave at any time and the only person impacted will be you.

I grew up with a mother who actively encouraged me to settle in order to be married and have children. Despite that pressure I just couldn’t overcome the feeling of discomfort when I was with the wrong person. I married at 35 and had my children at 38 & 39. I’ve been married 20 years and my mother still asks me if I would have settled if I hadn’t met DH.

I think some people can settle and be happy and others can’t l. Only you know which camp you fall into.

I would take the pressure off yourself about having to 'settle' and just concentrate on enjoying the good things in your relationship now. What is your personal situation - housing, finances etc? If you own your own home and/or have a decent income, what about LAT - living apart together? Keep some of your independence but come together when it suits you both. He'd have to agree though.

I can't really understand why you would want to settle. Personally, I'd rather be single than with someone that I wasn't that into. Relationships are a lot of work and they reduce your potential to meet someone else.

I get why people do it if they are eager to have kids, but otherwise, I don't really know why you would unless you are very lonely.

He has not missed the boat for dc. If he wants to be a dad, that might be a problem. Lots of men are first time dads in their 40s.

House share in his 40's

A big fat no from me for a start

Don't settle, ever
Don't stay with a person you have doubts about early on, you're having doubts for a reason-take notice, you'll regret not doing so.

Would you say this to a man in my position I wonder? I mean I can totally see your point to be honest but do I just never get married then unless I meet someone with the same income and assets as I do? When I look at many of the women I know most of are married to men who have more money and assets than them and some of them don't even have children.

I've seen some online commentators suggesting that women should always come out financially ahead in relationships due to the inevitable unequal split in labour and the inherent value women bring to men. Not sure what to make of that really.

I agree with the person who said there are two types of settling. The first type where you do an honest appraisal of someone and decide that they have more good factors than bad and that you can make as good a fist of a life with them as with anyone else. The Charlotte Lucas from Pride & Prejudice approach. The second driven by more of a sadness (and maybe some anger) that you're still single and are just adamant to change that. (although Charlotte ticks that box too I suppose!)

Based on your posts I can't really see the appeal of this guy. He might be nice, but beyond that he doesn't seem to offer much. I can understand the urge to settle if you're desperate to have a baby before it's too late. But that's certainly a high stakes strategy.

The fact you've passed the baby window (I don't say this patronisingly, I passed it too) means you should feel less pressure to settle. Dating can be awful, but so can settling for someone who's just okay. Imagine sitting watching a film together and you look across as them and think 'what have I done, why have I picked this random bloke?'

I sort of settled at 47 with a man who was a friend , I fancied him, he was kind, funny, we share values & political views! He made my life better! Brought equal pots to the table!

Now he wasn't setting my world on fire but past marriage & relationships were with 'bad boys' and I'd been hurt times over!

And I think that's what I mean by settling!

We've been married 10 years, have a very trusting, rewarding relationship, we look after each other, are kind to each other!

He had an accident a couple of weeks ago and for a brief time, I thought he was going to die & I realised how much I love him!

So I started off feeling I settled but actually now I feel blessed! ( sorry for the corny use of blessed 😀)

Why do you need to think in terms of settling at all? Can't you just go with the flow, enjoy what you have until either one or other of you doesn't want to do it any more, or you become sufficiently attached and happy together you want to progress to living with each other? Doesn't need to be a big decision now, surely? He hasn't proposed and said its all or nothing.

I've seen some online commentators suggesting that women should always come out financially ahead in relationships due to the inevitable unequal split in labour and the inherent value women bring to men. Not sure what to make of that really.

It means men do much better out of relationships too han women do, in general.
He'd be doing very well out I'd this one.
Maybe try renting with him long term. I'd not be considering buying a house together with the financial inequality you have. You'd be mad to sell yours and put down a deposit. Why not rent out your flat and then rent with him?

Agree with this. Your more idealistic when you're young and inexperienced. But probably naive too. Dating when older surely requires both parties to be more accepting of the other's quirks, baggage and limitations.

Think in terms of active choices. What attributes should your partner have and does this fella meet any, some, all? What are you compromising on if you stay? How well do your life aims and fundamental beliefs match up?
You've already said he'd like kids, which is a biggie, but if he says it's not an issue then all you can do is take his word. No point ruining something that could be really good with doubt.
If you are both clear on what you want and prepared to work for it together then that is an excellent foundation for a committed relationship.