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Relationships

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Original poster

He’s been married before but won’t marry me

51 replies

ElatedCrab · 19/10/2024 13:05

Urgh. This one hurts. I’m not sure if a need a harsh telling or if I’m right to feel this way, hence the post. My partner of 4 years and me have a great relationship. We own a house and he’s a brilliant parent figure to my two sons from my past relationship. Only issue is that he is absolutely not open to marriage. I like the sanctity of marriage, and I’ve been married before but is hasn’t put me off. He’s also been married before, but is absolutely not open to it again. Says he loves me and wants to be with me always, but feels a fraud to stand and say vows again when he’s said them before. He feels that it’s not necessary for us and wouldn’t change how he felt about me. He’s so good with me and my children, and I don’t know how to stop this hurting. I feel that he loves me less than his ex as he would marry her and not me (aware I may have some issues).

OP posts:

username3678 · 19/10/2024 13:08

I'm assuming you've always known this. I doubt he told you that he wanted to get married at the beginning of the relationship.

He's obviously not going to change his mind.

SallyForf · 19/10/2024 13:08

He's been honest with you, not stringing you along or changing the goalposts.

Whether this is now a deal-breaker is up to you.

NuffSaidSam · 19/10/2024 13:10

I'm with him tbh, but I'm not the marrying kind.

I don't know how you can feel better about it if it's something that means a lot to you. Maybe some therapy to talk through why it means so much (particularly given that you're divorced so you know that it actually means nothing). Once you have some insight into why it matters you will be better placed to see if it's a dealbreaker or if you can move forward without it.

teenmaw · 19/10/2024 13:10

I'm with him, trying to get out the legal contract was more traumatic than any of the rest of it put together. I'd do a commitment ceremony or something but wouldn't sign my freedom away ever again, even if it was Cillian fucking Murphy and I love him 😂

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/10/2024 13:11

If he has always been clear about this, I think his position is fine. I wouldn't be getting married at this stage of my life - my house and (limited) assets are mine and then my son's. Your DP has been married once, found that forever doesn't mean much except financially, and he doesn't want to do it again. The question is whether you want "the sanctity of marriage" enough to leave and find a guy who does want to be married.

If he lied at the beginning and said he was keen to remarry, obviously that is different, and he is an arse.

Motheranddaughter · 19/10/2024 13:11

I would have felt the same as you

BeMintBee · 19/10/2024 13:12

Nope I’m with him I wouldnt get married again and it would have nothing to how much I loved someone in comparison

TwistedWonder · 19/10/2024 13:13

I’m with him. Bern married once and wouldn’t ever do it again.

Hes been open with you about his reasons. It didn’t mean he doesn’t love you enough it’s just that marriage is no longer for him.

Whether it’s a dealbreaker is up to you

TentEntWenTyfOur · 19/10/2024 13:13

Have you both made a will?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 19/10/2024 13:14

feels a fraud to stand and say vows again when he’s said them before

I can understand this - I'm at the age of second marriages, and watching the vows always gives me a flashback to the previous wedding or weddings.

TinkerTiger · 19/10/2024 13:14

Sanctity is already out the door, you're living together.

MagneticSquirrel · 19/10/2024 13:16

I feel that he loves me less than his ex as he would marry her and not me (aware I may have some issues).

It doesn’t mean he loves you less than his ex. He’s just realised, as he is older and wiser that marriage doesn’t necessary last forever, no matter how you feel at the time of getting married.

I believe in marriage but I also think not getting married again is an understandable and mature position for a divorcee. I’m surprised how many divorcees get re-married unless there was a shocking reason for their first marriage breakdown.

betterangels · 19/10/2024 13:17

feels a fraud to stand and say vows again when he’s said them before

It's a fair enough point if that's how he feels. Tough for you but I understand it.

Westofeasttoday · 19/10/2024 13:17

So he’s always been open and honest about this….

If you have known this then you can’t expect him to change just because it’s something you want. Then you would get what you want and he wouldn’t.

he doesn’t love you less - that’s catastrophising so you can feel better about your point.

he doesn’t want to get married as he’s been burned before. If this is a dealbreaker for you you are being very unfair now to demand this of him, to be upset about it and feel he loves you less.

Awfeckoff · 19/10/2024 13:21

Neither of you is wrong.

You need to decide if you can reach an acceptable compromise or not .

What if you both do LPA's, wills, nominated next of kin, etc?

Or a civil service?

If he doesn't want to do anything, then he needs to be aware who is making decisions for him in future.

And you need to decide whether to split up or not.

Seasmoke · 19/10/2024 13:30

If you have assets like houses or money then marriage would be a bad idea. The sanctity if marriage is all very well until all your stuff gets inherited by his kids instead of yours. And the same for him. I will never marry a second time if I divorced or widowed. I dont see the point of it second time round anyway.

Boobygravy · 19/10/2024 13:36

Your dp is allowed to change his mind on marriage.
Presumably he was a lot younger when he first got married.
If you had dc together then that would be different.
Protect yourself financially and enjoy what you’ve got, marriage proves nothing when you read of the divorce rate and cheats who have previously committed to a lifetime relationship.

Gettingbysomehow · 19/10/2024 13:38

I won't marry again either. I've been married three times and feel devastated that those heartfelt vows meant nothing to any of my husbands and doing it again would be meaningless as would marriage.
It doesn't mean I still love my ex husbands I most certainly don't. But I'd rather just live with someone I loved in peace without the risk of being hurt like that again.
I absolutely could not bear the pain and financial hit of another divorce.
If I met the love of my life tomorrow I would never marry them. I'd be happy to live in unmarried bliss with them.

hughiedoesntfight · 19/10/2024 13:41

I won’t marry my dp either. I have been entirely honest. I have no interest in legally tying my finances together with someone. Or making those vows again. I meant those vows when I said them. I also meant it when I filed for divorce.

I get you want to be married. And neither or you are wrong to want it or not want it. But you need to stop the whole ‘he must have loved her more’

You have to accept he did love her. Measuring is impossible. When I married my ex husband I absolutely loved him. I am completely in love with Dp. Trying to measure which one I loved more is bizarre.

He has been honest. He doesn’t want to get married. If you need marriage as proof he loves you more than he ever loved her, then the relationship will fail.

He has told you how he feels. If he decided to marry you because you want it so much, you will still feel he loved her more because you know he is only marrying you for you. Not because he wants to. If it’s this important to you, you need to love on and find someone open to getting married.

BobbyBiscuits · 19/10/2024 13:45

I certainly wouldn't be breaking up with him over his refusal to marry. But the fact it means so much to you, well it's your decision if it's a deal breaker. But there's no way you will convince him to do it. Plus would you want to marry someone who wasn't really into it and could be considered to have been coerced to an extent?
It sounds like your relationship is good in other ways. To me marriage isn't important at all. But not everyone feels that way.

oakleaffy · 19/10/2024 13:50

He’ll lose half his assets on divorce- and so will you.

I’d never remarry and my brother feels the same.

Been there, got the T shirt.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 19/10/2024 13:52

How about a civil partnership. No vows just a useful legal status.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/10/2024 13:54

I don't think he loves you less just he is less naive now.

I guess you need to decide if it's a deal breaker for you.

Are you financially protected in his will? And he is yours?

How do you split money?

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/10/2024 13:54

I wouldn't marry someone with substantially less cash than me

Andwhatfreshhellisthis · 19/10/2024 13:57

ElatedCrab · 19/10/2024 13:05

Can I give you the other side. I was married, he attacked me and nearly killed me. I said never again. Never again to living with anyone etc I meant it. He emptied the joint bank account cost me £80K to divorce him with kids etc and he ruined my health and my life.

marriage doesn’t change anything, it’s a verb and he is doing it. You have a house together etc

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