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Original poster

He’s been married before but won’t marry me

51 replies

ElatedCrab · 19/10/2024 13:05

Urgh. This one hurts. I’m not sure if a need a harsh telling or if I’m right to feel this way, hence the post. My partner of 4 years and me have a great relationship. We own a house and he’s a brilliant parent figure to my two sons from my past relationship. Only issue is that he is absolutely not open to marriage. I like the sanctity of marriage, and I’ve been married before but is hasn’t put me off. He’s also been married before, but is absolutely not open to it again. Says he loves me and wants to be with me always, but feels a fraud to stand and say vows again when he’s said them before. He feels that it’s not necessary for us and wouldn’t change how he felt about me. He’s so good with me and my children, and I don’t know how to stop this hurting. I feel that he loves me less than his ex as he would marry her and not me (aware I may have some issues).

OP posts:
Original poster
ElatedCrab · 19/10/2024 14:07

Thanks all, it does make me feel better being able to share this. The reality is that I would rather be with him and unmarried than married to anyone else. It’s not a deal breaker, I just want to stop feeling sad about it. We share all finances. He earns substantially more than me yet we share an account and share everything, so I don’t think he’s not wanting to get married because of finances. I feel really silly that I have this wonderful man and I’m focusing on something that he doesn’t want. We’ve spoken of LPOA and I’ll approach it with him again in a few years. I think the bottom line is that we won’t be having children together, and won’t be getting married. I guess I just want a more intimate connection than bricks which is silly. And if I’m also being completely honest, my first marriage was out of my control, the wedding and the finances, I didn’t even choose my own dress. So a little of this is also wanting “the day” how I would want. I love the bones off him and don’t want to jeopardise this.

OP posts:
bows101 · 19/10/2024 14:12

It does seem a common theme that once someone has been married, they don't want to go through it again. I understand and respect it. Given he's always been honest about it, I don't think you can be annoyed at it. But you are within your right to want to experience a marriage if that's what is important to you but you can't make him change his mind.

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/10/2024 14:14

Why did his marriage end?

Original poster
ElatedCrab · 19/10/2024 14:17

She cheated on him

OP posts:
Justkeepingplatesspinning · 19/10/2024 14:18

It took me a very long time to feel ready to marry again. It was partly because I'd been married before and felt it had failed, and didn't want to fail again. As the years went on, that became not wanting to get married in case it ruined what we had.
I eventually felt ready and thoroughly enjoyed planning our day in the way we wanted. Like you, my first wedding was what my parents wanted, including the poor bloke I ended up married to!
Be patient and he may eventually change his mind. In the meantime, do everything you can to safeguard yourself financially etc.

Reddog1 · 19/10/2024 14:31

I’m divorced with a partner of five years who is divorced too. I don’t really see the point of second marriages unless you’re planning to have children together. Seems a bit pointless. I don’t accept invitations to these weddings unless they’re local, I wouldn’t do the hotel/annual leave/long drive thing for a second attempt tbh.

Cas112 · 19/10/2024 14:52

Most people I know who are divorced refuse to ever get married again

But you already knew his decision op

TheOGCCL · 19/10/2024 14:53

Marriage for me is all about the legal side. On balance it’s easier than wills and power of attorneys. A civil partnership doesn’t require elaborate vows.

I guess if you marry he will inherit all your assets but when he dies they would not automatically go to your children so if that’s not what you want, or you are the wealthier partner, not getting married might offer more protection,

ComingBackHome · 19/10/2024 14:54

We share all finances. He earns substantially more than me yet we share an account and share everything, so I don’t think he’s not wanting to get married because of finances.

So here is my take there.
A marriage is a legal bit of paper that makes everything 100% easier when things go wrong, aka if you split, if one of you died or is very ill.

Yes you’re sharing ‘everything’ financially. But

  • in which name is the house you live in
  • do you have a will in case one of you dies so eg you can stay in the family home after your partner death
  • who is your next of kin? It won’t automatically be him if you’re not married.
  • if you have a clear discrepancy in wage, how much do you have in savings vs him? What about pensions? (Incl what happens in death of one of you)
I personally feel that there is a separation that you dont have when you’re married. And I guess that’s what you’re feeling - the not building something together. I’d encourage you to try and understand why you’re feeling sad if it’s not a deal breaker for you. What does marriage means for you that you’re not getting living like this? Because you might well be able to reproduce that in other ways iyswim.
LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 19/10/2024 14:56

Are any of you religious? Same religions? It's interesting you use the word 'sanctity'. Feeling you share the same path might be important to you? Or some ceremonial aspects of uniting a couple?

ComingBackHome · 19/10/2024 14:58

@TheOGCCL yep I agree. The not wanting to share their assets again in case of divorce (or death) is often a real reason why people don’t get married again. It’s often nit express that way though.

However, I think that, for the other (less ‘wealthy’) partner, it means they need something in place to protect themselves.
Its easy to feel ‘everything is great because we share everything’ when actually they only share their wages and nothing else .

Jucko · 19/10/2024 14:58

Personally I would focus on how good the relationship is, if it is a good one then I’d accept it. You can’t force someone to want to get married and the thinking he loved his ex more is just silly.

Beachpelican · 19/10/2024 15:01

Too many couples get married as they have a romantic notion of marriage with no understanding of the terms and conditions! Perhaps he does understand and that is what is putting him off. Nothing to do with love.

Evasmissingletter · 19/10/2024 15:06

He loves you enough to own a house with you. He loves you enough to spend four years of his life with you and says he wants to be with you. He loves you enough to parent your children and is brilliant with them. Don’t waste time thinking about what he did with someone years ago. Comparison is the thief of joy. You are blessed to have a second chance of happiness with someone who loves you and your children- enjoy it .

LastNight1Dreamt1WentToManderleyAgain · 19/10/2024 15:07

I've known people (mostly men) to marry 2, 3, 4 and more times; usually hopeless romantics, but when it eventually works out it's lovely.

OhDearMuriel · 19/10/2024 15:10

I feel for you.

Has he got assets and his own DCs?

maclen · 19/10/2024 15:15

I'm in a similar position but I've never been married before... my partner of 4 years has and they got engaged and divorced within 4 years! Yet we are still BF and GF... in our late 40's now too so not looking likely for me and it does hurt but we get on great so what do you do 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fififafa · 19/10/2024 15:27

I guess it depends on how much you want the marriage. Nobody here is in the wrong, it’s just a case of whether or not you are on the same page. I wouldn’t have moved in with him though if you did want to get married and wouldn’t be playing the wife role without the ring.

Fififafa · 19/10/2024 15:33

MagneticSquirrel · 19/10/2024 13:16

I feel that he loves me less than his ex as he would marry her and not me (aware I may have some issues).

It doesn’t mean he loves you less than his ex. He’s just realised, as he is older and wiser that marriage doesn’t necessary last forever, no matter how you feel at the time of getting married.

I believe in marriage but I also think not getting married again is an understandable and mature position for a divorcee. I’m surprised how many divorcees get re-married unless there was a shocking reason for their first marriage breakdown.

Maybe the reason is love? I’m married to a high earning divorcee. It does happen 😂. I’m only mentioning high earning because previous posters have mentioned not wanting to remarry to protect their assets.

ladykale · 19/10/2024 15:38

If he earns substantially more than you surely he has a lot more to lose getting married again than you do OP?

category12 · 19/10/2024 15:47

I guess you need to figure out whether marriage is a dealbreaker for you.

To be honest, it sounds like you have a really good relationship and if he's great with your boys, maybe you should let go of the idea of remarrying.

Would he be open to a civil partnership if it's the type of vows that are the problem? But I guess that wouldn't scratch your itch if it's partly the wedding you want.

cwcanfo · 19/10/2024 15:51

The reality is that I would rather be with him and unmarried than married to anyone else. It’s not a deal breaker, I just want to stop feeling sad about it

That's your answer then. You don't want to split because of it and it's not a deal breaker so you have to make peace with it.
However, you should make sure that everything is in place should one of your die or in case of a split.
Have you bought a home together? What are the legalities of that?
What do your wills say? Is there something in place to make sure one partner isn't forced to move out and sell if the other dies? How are the children provided for in the wills?

TentEntWenTyfOur · 19/10/2024 16:11

If (God forbid) he were to die without making a will making you a beneficiary of his estate, you will receive nothing. Intestacy rules will apply, and his estate (including his part of the house you live in) will go to his legal next of kin. Whether that be his parents, siblings, nephews & nieces or whoever - it won't be you. Does he have life insurance and are you a named beneficiary? Who owns how much of your home?

You need to take this seriously.

RomeoRivers · 19/10/2024 16:28

Hi OP,

You must be dating my dad 😂

He’s Catholic and when he made those vows, he meant them. My mum made a mockery of their marriage by cheating on him. He forgave her several times, but ultimately she proved that their vows meant nothing.

Why would he go through the process of making those vows again, when they have already been proved meaningless? Once bitten, twice shy. He only ever intended to get married once, so he’s not going to go back on that just because it didn’t work out.

What would marriage add to your relationship at this stage? In terms of commitment, his past has proved that his word is his bond, therefore nothing else should be needed in order to trust him.

In my dad’s case, both have children from previous relationships so it doesn’t make sense to tie your finances together. Each person’s money will go to their own children.

iloveshetlandponies · 19/10/2024 21:50

I couldn't get past this

I'd feel he loved her more

Dh and i were both married before

Both marriages were massive mistakes 😳 rushed into at young ages and we didn't particularly want to

we both say we didn't understand the meaning of fully wanting marriage til we met each other and knew straight away we wanted it with each other, now been married way longer than our first marriages