He isn't skint.

[AmIbeingUn]

NC for this as personal/outing. Am wondering AIBU? Or WWYD?

Began seeing a local man met on OLD. We matched so perfectly: same age, local, some mutual acquaintances, similar hobbies, outlook, politics, music taste, humour etc. Found him incredibly sexually and emotionally attractive and vice versa.

We became very close and cosy very quickly: daily contact, usually in person, in and out of each others' houses for coffee and a chat, sleeping over at each others houses often, meeting each other's friends and family. Talked loads, for hours, about a wide range of subjects and very frankly. Within weeks we were so close and comfortable with one another it felt like we'd been together for ages.

The only thing that wasn't perfect was that he had no spare spending money. He had gone part time at work to give him the time to renovate his house, singlehandedly, and those renovations also ate up all the money he had left over after paying mortgage and bills. He warned me that, until the house was finished and he returned to full time working, he could not afford to spend much on going out, going away, buying me gifts, unless it was cheap and we split the costs. I am not materialistic so I did not care and to be honest I am a homely person who is more than happy to have dates at each other's houses, cooking each other a meal or watching a film. For Xmas he saw something in a charity shop window which he knew I would love and he even admitted it had cost him only £2 and said he felt guilty and mean and sorry and hoped I would tolerate his being skint until he got back to work and could treat me properly and take me to a swanky restaurant now and again.

Whilst chatting and being in his home whilst things were happening in his daily life he would mention now and again that he was down to his last few pounds, or that the purchase of some essential building materials or an emergency dental problem or vet bill had wiped his bank account. I am not wealthy but I do have a couple of hundred pounds left over every month which I usually just put into a savings account. He never once asked me for money and in fact when I offered to lend him money once or twice he absolutely refused. When I offered to treat him to a fancy meal out or a theatre ticket he also refused, saying that unless he could pay at least his own share, he would not go. I saw these refusals as a confirmation of his honesty and integrity.

One day I was at his house reading the paper after breakfast and he was opposite me on his laptop. As he went to answer the front door I took the dirty plates to the sink and as I turned round to walk back to the table I could not help myself, my eyes were drawn to the screen which had some kind of spreadsheet of figures. I was absolutely staggered to see that he had stocks and shares and an ISA totalling £1.5m. When he came back into the room I just pretended I had not seen anything because I knew I should not have been snooping but I went home and was literally in shock and also really angry that he had been lying to me the whole time.

Next time I stayed at his I deliberately snooped when he was in the shower, and read an open letter about the sale of a flat he owned (which he had never mentioned to me). £250,000 from the sale had been deposited into my boyfriend's bank account about a week before, and yet that very day he had been saying how broke he was.

Am I in the wrong for snooping or is he in the wrong for telling me for a whole year the lie that he is struggling financially from month to month?

What would you do? Confront him and admit you snooped? End it? Tell yourself his finances are none of your business?

I think it is OPs business because she's living a life based on him being "poor", as in not being able to do things she'd like to do as a couple. She doesn't want him to pay for her and has even offered to pay for him! He then says oh I couldn't as I can't pay my share. Blatant lies! I'd be furious!

It's pretty clear OP isn't a "gold digger" so that argument is rubbish. Pulling out a ribena at the theatre? That's next level tight! I'd be embarrassed to be with someone like that.

Honestly I'd end it. Whatever his reasoning he doesn't want the life that you do. And there's nothing wrong with the life you want.

First of all you were wrong to snoop at his private information. You don't live together, are not linked financially and you are not subsidising him so it really is none of your business.
If someone did that to me I would probably have to rethink the relationship as I wouldn't be able to trust them around my things.
From what you are describing he has a lot of savings but not much income. He lives within his income limits and doesn't dip in to his savings. I really wouldn't have a problem with that. He is in his 50s, a time when you have to think about your retirement and possible future care needs. This is especially important as it doesn't sound like he has any family to step in and help.
He was upfront with you about how he lives his life and you accepted that but now that you have sneaked and found out that he has capital you are dissatisfied. It's a shame because it sounds like you had a lovely relationship that will never be the same again whether you let him know what you did or not.

I feel sorry for op’s bf.
Imagine living half a life, denying yourself occasional luxuries and always keeping your eye on the last penny.
Its not normal, it’s sad and speaks of some very deep seated anxiety around money.

IDK if you are or aren't being unreasonable. I think it probably depends on how long you've been together/how well you know each other. Are you at the point of sharing finances etc?

Perhaps hearing how I treat finances might offer you insight into his way? We sound quite similar. I give myself a monthly allowance for things, and when that's gone it's gone. It's a decent allowance, I enjoy my life. However some months are expensive and then I'll have to save up the fun spends again as a balance. The rest goes into savings, investments etc and I'm pretty strict about using those funds for the purpose of which I intend them. I don't dip into my investments if my fun spends run out, I consider myself 'broke'. If I want to buy something additional I save up for it and would mostly decline outings etc if my fun money pot couldn't cover them. Yesterday I was out with friends and they wanted a coffee. I didn't get anything as I have used all my funds for 'fun' spending for this month.

I have a very healthy savings account. However it got that way because I stick to a budget. I don't explain that to everyone at the point that I'm deciding not to buy a coffee, I just either say no thank you, or if pressed I'll say I'm out of funds for this month. To me it's true, I'm broke as far as that pot is concerned. The rest of the money is there for other purposes. When my DH and I moved in together (or maybe when we got engaged, I can't remember exactly), I explained how I do finances. But up until that point if we'd wanted to do something and I didn't have the spends for it I'd just say I couldn't afford it that month. Wasn't going to take out of my 'emergency fund' or house deposit or whatever it was to buy a theatre ticket.

Edit: I would dip into savings for something truly spectacular/emergencies etc. But it's not a common thing.

this is a lifestyle choice for him. Nothing wrong with him being frugal but you need to work out if you want to stay with someone who lives in this extreme way. Think no fancy dinners, treats or holidays for the rest of your life unless your doing it solo!

Just read a novel with this exact same story.
A scammers story.
Man is skint.
Accidentally leaves laptop open .. shows millions.
Woman sees he's not skint ( so she thinks).
actually.. the page on the laptop is false.
He asks to lend money.. saying he can't access his...
The rest is history..

But who knows.
He's a liar either way

If you love him then I think you need to have an open and honest discussion. Tell him that you saw what was on his laptop and you would like to know what his thinking and motivation has been to have repeatedly told you that he has very little money these past two years and see what he says.

You have shown your love and interest is genuine as you've stuck around for two years ‘knowing’ he doesn't have much and you've sacrificed the quality of your social life with him to accommodate his lack of funds. So he can't accuse you of being after his money!

I think what you need to establish is, whether is he a stingy person by nature who doesn't like to spend money. In which case you need to decide if you want to grow old with someone who won't be up for nice meals out or nice holidays etc... You also need to get a feel for why he's done this. He may have a reason that makes sense once you hear what it is, but on the other hand, he could just be a dishonest person and this is the first of possibly many untruths, in which case you cut and run.

I can't see how you can continue the relationship without bringing it up. It will continue to irk you every time he pleads poverty in the future, so it needs to be addressed.

Not read the whole thread, but it could be that he has been stung and wants to know that he is not with a gold digger.

Personally, I would be having a frank, cards on table conversation that it was never about money but honesty. See where it lands, but be prepared that you may be walking away from the relationship.

"alwaysmovingforwards · Today 10:35
You’... are now grabby to improve your lifestyle with his finances."

What an appalling and untrue accusation. If I were looking for a man to give me money I would have dumped him after our first date.

I have an excellent lifestyle - far better than his, in fact, as I have more than enough money to spend on anything I want. I save it every month because I live a modest lifestyle (no booze, no car, no kids) and literally have nothing to spend it on.

What some of the posters on here have made me realise, now I have got over my anger at being lied to, is that he is actually denying himself the pleasures of life in order to be a miser for no good reason.

He is 56, he has to my knowledge £1.75m to do whatever he wants with, and the expectation of at least £1m to come when his frail, elderly, widowed mother dies. He has no actual NEED to live so frugally and buy charity shop shoes and take a Ribena to the theatre and sit behind a column in a cheap seat.

What is the point of having money if you don't use it to make yourself happy? Or to make your life easier in your fifties? I even suggested he employ a labourer to do the hard garden work and someone to help him roller-paint all the walls and he said he could not possibly afford it?

More about how much you can put in per year - I think the most you could have contributed is £350k so the investment growth has been 5x

Basically snap but no kids

And also an accountant! So frugal all my life about things I don't care much about.

But do spend on things I like -holidays to places I want but still usually modest places over fancy hotels.

I may die with lots in the bank but that makes me happier than the alternative of dying with no money.

(No charity shop shopping for clothes though -as I just don't fit standard sizes as tall -I do but charity shop books though)

Even I'd draw the line at sitting behind a pillar at the theatre 😂

It's not a reality TV show where she passes the test of 'not being a gold digger' and she wins the show, they get married and live happily ever after.

She's been with him 2 years and has subsidised him. He bought her a charity shop Christmas present costing £2 and she bought him a winter coat.

Not revealing his wealth is very different to telling her he is skint. He is deceitful and that should kill the relationship.

I have a relative who has money but has a huge bee in their bonnet about 'cheap shit' so someone buying clothing in a charity shop instead of in a cheap chain store would be their preference too. OP he knows about your finances as he helped you set up your ISA etc, so I would be a little cautious about him not mentioning 'his' money at the time. I don't want to worry you unduly but can you completely rule him out as a con artist? Especially with his line of work....

OP, I wonder if he is leaving these things for you to see because he's caught up in his lie (initially set so that he could weed out anyone interested in his money) and doesn't know how to tell you.
I had a BF like this when I was younger, I thought it was him for a bit but from further info you gave on his career I know it isn't. He earned quite a lot of money and never changed, it was like an obsession to spend as little as possible and very hard to deal with.

Oh god yeah run.

It’s a shame given you otherwise seem to have a decent relationship, and I don’t think he needed to tell you the exact details of what money he has and where. However, pretending to be skint to the extent of not being able to go to the cinema, eat out and buying £2 presents when you’re not is absolutely bizarre behaviour.

This post shows far more about you than him.

You were happy before and are only not happy since you illegally snooped.

You are the one in thr wrong . Not sure why you can't see that.

Sounds like he is about to get a lucky escape

I add aspect he compartmentalises income and wealth. He only spends his income and, as he is working part-time, has less of it to spend. His wealth, if invested in shares for the past 20+ years, with dividends reinvested, will have grown considerably. Think of it as like any hobby you might invest in and buy lots of kit for. You don’t see the kit as an asset you might sell to see you through a brief spot of working part-time. And, maybe he needs the money from the sale of the flat to fund his building work or pay down his mortgage or support his mother. You just don’t know and, although you get on extremely well, you are not in his confidence, so the ins and outs of his financial affairs are not your concern. You simply have to decide whether you enjoy his company as you find it.

Apologies - my reply should have started ‘I suspect’

I think I would deliberately start a conversation about the future. Ask him how he visualises your lives together once his house restoration is finished - and when is he predicting that will be?

Assuming he knows you have plenty of money yourself, it’s perfectly reasonable for you to say you do love him and want to stay with him, but you would also like to be able to do things YOU can afford for both of you, such as have nice holidays etc.

Maybe I’m a romantic, but it’s just possible he started all this without thinking it through and now doesn’t know how to get himself out of it. Or he is planning to have a glorious Reveal at some point in the future. (Alternatively, he might just be a tight, lying bastard…)

@Ihatelittlefriendsusan 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

"he has a lot of savings but not much income"

He earns £28,000 part time wage. But till recently he was earning £56,000 for some years, and no dependents.

"it doesn't sound like he has any family to step in and help"

He's the only child of an elderly, frail widowed mother who will leave him at least £1m.

I think it is OPs business because she's living a life based on him being "poor", as in not being able to do things she'd like to do as a couple

But she's chosen to stay with him despite all those things - she's had every chance to walk away if that's not what she wants.

He is a millionaire and he wouldn't even buy you some Maltesers? This is a pathological level of miserliness. He doesn't sound very loveable to me.

I went out with someone similar, although he never lied to me about money. But he was extremely thrifty (to put it mildly) and actually it did irritate me how careful with money he was. He had built up a substantial amount of savings/ISAs/Pension etc just by being so thrifty all of his adult life.

On the one hand it is laudable, but on the other it got a little bit annoying that he always wanted to share food if we went out/waited for me to pay or brought is coffee along in a little flask so he wouldn't have to shell out.

I wouldn't want to be with someone who was so careful with money. There is a middle ground I think.