He isn't skint.

[AmIbeingUn]

NC for this as personal/outing. Am wondering AIBU? Or WWYD?

Began seeing a local man met on OLD. We matched so perfectly: same age, local, some mutual acquaintances, similar hobbies, outlook, politics, music taste, humour etc. Found him incredibly sexually and emotionally attractive and vice versa.

We became very close and cosy very quickly: daily contact, usually in person, in and out of each others' houses for coffee and a chat, sleeping over at each others houses often, meeting each other's friends and family. Talked loads, for hours, about a wide range of subjects and very frankly. Within weeks we were so close and comfortable with one another it felt like we'd been together for ages.

The only thing that wasn't perfect was that he had no spare spending money. He had gone part time at work to give him the time to renovate his house, singlehandedly, and those renovations also ate up all the money he had left over after paying mortgage and bills. He warned me that, until the house was finished and he returned to full time working, he could not afford to spend much on going out, going away, buying me gifts, unless it was cheap and we split the costs. I am not materialistic so I did not care and to be honest I am a homely person who is more than happy to have dates at each other's houses, cooking each other a meal or watching a film. For Xmas he saw something in a charity shop window which he knew I would love and he even admitted it had cost him only £2 and said he felt guilty and mean and sorry and hoped I would tolerate his being skint until he got back to work and could treat me properly and take me to a swanky restaurant now and again.

Whilst chatting and being in his home whilst things were happening in his daily life he would mention now and again that he was down to his last few pounds, or that the purchase of some essential building materials or an emergency dental problem or vet bill had wiped his bank account. I am not wealthy but I do have a couple of hundred pounds left over every month which I usually just put into a savings account. He never once asked me for money and in fact when I offered to lend him money once or twice he absolutely refused. When I offered to treat him to a fancy meal out or a theatre ticket he also refused, saying that unless he could pay at least his own share, he would not go. I saw these refusals as a confirmation of his honesty and integrity.

One day I was at his house reading the paper after breakfast and he was opposite me on his laptop. As he went to answer the front door I took the dirty plates to the sink and as I turned round to walk back to the table I could not help myself, my eyes were drawn to the screen which had some kind of spreadsheet of figures. I was absolutely staggered to see that he had stocks and shares and an ISA totalling £1.5m. When he came back into the room I just pretended I had not seen anything because I knew I should not have been snooping but I went home and was literally in shock and also really angry that he had been lying to me the whole time.

Next time I stayed at his I deliberately snooped when he was in the shower, and read an open letter about the sale of a flat he owned (which he had never mentioned to me). £250,000 from the sale had been deposited into my boyfriend's bank account about a week before, and yet that very day he had been saying how broke he was.

Am I in the wrong for snooping or is he in the wrong for telling me for a whole year the lie that he is struggling financially from month to month?

What would you do? Confront him and admit you snooped? End it? Tell yourself his finances are none of your business?

I guess we have different definitions of "skint." As I said, I am not poor but I have tight cash flow on some months. Most of my assets are in retirement funds and real estate, none of which are liquid. I think many people here do not understand the difference between liquid and illiquid assets. Like OP's boyfriend (the "miserly prince" in yet another derogatory description of him) I am focusing my spending on things that have value to me, not things that have value to other people. Helping my sister, who is in Stage 4 breast cancer, is one of those areas of importance. Travel is another. Everything else is fit in as I can afford it without debt.

Here's the Oxford definition readily found online; operative word being "available."

skint
/skint/
adjective
informal•British
adjective: skint
(of a person) having little or no money available.
"I'm a bit skint just now"

Also, the OP said she was looking at the laptop for 15 seconds. Sit there and count to 15; that is more than a passing glance or accidental glimpse. Anyone can avert her eyes from a private laptop screen in about 1/15th of that time. Frankly the snooping would be a dealbreaker for me.

As I said, I don't think he sees the relationship as one where he is in a role of being a provider or protector for the OP; to him she is an independent woman who can get her own refreshments and pay her own way. Whilst he does the same.

It sounds as though he is hospitable when they are together, but he is not going out of his way to date her outside of their respective homes. To me that is the definition of FWB. He sounds decent in that role, if he's pleasant, attractive and good company.

If the OP wants a partner to be out and about with, he's not it. And not going to be. He doesn't owe an apology for that to anyone. Nor does he have to justify his frugality.

If he's sexy, attractive and handy around the house, he'll be fighting them off in droves once he's back on the market, Ribena or no Ribena. Older men are lucky that way.

Oh gosh OP.

I can see this a mile off.

Your DP is probably autistic and works in a technical subject, not married, no kids, tell tale signs all round and I'm afraid the money pinching aspect too.

I know because I'm married to someone like this. It's taken YEARS of training to train him out of a poverty mindset to one of luxury but it's been a very hard battle.

Believe it or not, he completely loves you for you. He doesn't view money as important to show love or affection. He doesn't think it's necessary as an expression of love. This is one the hardest aspects to come to terms with when married to someone autistic who shows these aspects of character - not everyone who is autistic does.

But I recognise an awful lot of my DH in your post. He's similarly extremely good with money. He can double it at the shake of a lamb's tail. We are in a good position financially as you can imagine but emotionally it's been incredibly hard.

I'm afraid you have to either accept him as he is, with his strange view of money or 'bin him off'. I'm not sure it's as clear cut as you think.

Another aspect of this behaviour is secrecy. They are very very private. The fact he left this stuff out, means he knows you may see it and just doesn't think it's a big deal. You've loved him this far along, as far as he's concerned, why would you change?

For some people, no amount of money, be it £10m will ever be enough. it's in their heads. I don't think you quite understand the thinking.

He does love you, for sure though, I know that. But just in his way, not your way.

Hahahahahaa, love it!! 👌😂

@MightSoundCrassButItsFactual says "he takes money, home cooking and sex off her and gives her absolutely nothing"

This is not what I posted. 1) I offered to lend him money and he refused. 2) He cooks for me 10 times for each time I cook for him once and 3) do you not see sex as a mutual thing, but something a woman "gives" a man - because I don't. I get at least as much out of that as he does, if not more!

OP I do t think his spending habits will change even when he goes back to work FT. This level of miserliness is a mental illness. He’s depriving himself of life’s pleasures and this is having an effect on your life.

Staying with him would mean lovely times at home but doing anything else alone. Holidays, restaurants, concerts, theatre etc are all likely to be off the cards. This isn’t necessarily a dealbreaker as long as you are happy with the situation.

Because she's made compromises and sacrifices over the quality of their relationship because she thought there was no other option and she was trying to be kind. And he led her on saying that as soon as his building work is done he will go back to work full time, have more money and then they can do more things.

Someone up thread said it very plainly.

It isn't that he can't spend money on nice things with the OP, it's that he doesn't want to.

But he hasn't let her know that.

He's clearly just hyper frugel - there's never going to be a future where everything is less money focused for him. And that's okay for him but he's been pretending to the OP that things would be different in the future to keep her hanging on in there with him.

It's interesting, it reminds me of a couple I know

In fact I've known her for decades and her husband is a tight wad with her. When they were having an extension built he said he couldn't afford to pay for someone to dig the foundations and she was out there (whilst having three young kids) ..digging. she learnt how to plaster, lay tiles, paint while he went off to work saying money was so tight.
Then she found out about his offshore accounts stuffed with money

I hate tight wads

I think he is seeing it as they are mates who happen to sleep together, FWBs. Not as partners who are accountable to one another for their financial affairs. Their outings where each pays own way sound like that of platonic friends. Clearly that's as far as he's willing to go. Not right or wrong but demanding he change isn't realistic either.

Honestly if someone stamped his foot and demanded that I justify how much I spend and how much I save, after snooping on my computer, I'd be standing at the open front door gesturing them out.

That house money sounds like his share of the house he had with his ex, he may well use it to pay off the mortgage on his current project. You will both get state pension at 67 not 66 (unless the new government changes that In the budget) Anyone who is aware of the cost of care (for his Mum or even him in the next 20 years) could well feel the need to live within their means and not splurge on meals out and holidays, unless it's something they really value doing. He should be prepared to indulge you on occasion though to keep you happy if he cares.

And OP my DH loves a bargain. Anywhere he can save money he will. He's in the 1% of wealthiest but where does he buy his clothes? Tu, in Sainsburys.

He even buys discount fruit in the supermarket. Could afford to buy everything from Waitrose or wherever but always tries to get the deals.

He does like a good holiday abroad though.

I had to push him hard though to get him over the line. But then once he went to these kind of places he really enjoyed it. He still gets a bit anxious about adjusting too much to luxury and not being able to be hardened to poverty living. It's like it's a battle in his mind. How tough and slum-it can he be?

And yes, probably money is the number one love. But he also really loves
me too. I'm not sure it's completely clear cut. He'd be devestated if I left. You just have to push him harder to get what you really want.

if it's of any help I've found writing things down, rather than chatting helps more than anything. It gives them time to process and helps them get their feelings under control. If they feel attacked they get very defensive and that's not helpful. So I'd write him a letter or a long text saying you need a nice expensive holiday somewhere, split costs but you do need to do fun and shared things together... it can't always be Lidl and charity shops!

I can't believe you're still trying to justify yourself.

You are not skint. You'll have to think up another word or phrase to describe how you have millions in investments, fly business class, pay huge needless vet bills and yet still manage to have no money left at the end of every month.

You really need to give it a rest. We are in a cost of living crisis here and the country is awash with people living in real actual poverty.

Just stop it.

I'm only passing on what he calls himself. I am not in the world of I.T. so I am completely ignorant of job roles, titles and wages.

My ex husband has got autism but he would pulled out 2 cartons of Ribena instead of one, my needs would have been important to him. You can't blame autism for his stingy behaviour.

And he uses money etc so he doesn't have to go out and socialise. How many friends does he have? Or are you his main contact with the world? Because that's another sign. Work, home life, money... it sounds like renovations are his special hobby.

It doesn't present the same in everyone. Read the MN threads on NT partners with Aspergers partners. It's extremely common to neglect your partner.

Don't overthink it. Is it OK for you to be with someone who will not treat you to holidays, meals out, little luxuries, because he is very frugal (if I'm feeling generous) or stingy (if we're more real about it)?
If so, it's perfectly possible to have a great and long lasting relationship. Some couples work very well with one or two of them being stingy, we all have our flaws after all.
If not and if this is important to you, then I'm afraid you have to end the relationship.
The question is; is his stinginess a deal breaker for you or can you live with it?

This level of pathological miserliness is often a co morbidity with other mental illness. Any previous history there as far as you know?

20 years ago I went on a date with a man who told me he was a stingy bastard and would never change.

I really miss that forthright honesty now.

Oh dear, he's lied because either he's playing you or he truly believes in his own mind he's skint - either way isn't good OP.

It'd be a deal breaker for me. Immediately. And I probably would confront him with what I saw, the new truth I had realised and how it makes me feel, because trust and loyalty and honesty are genuinely the most important things to me in a relationship. I despise people who habitually lie and misrepresent things, not only because I think it's weird behaviour from them but it also makes me feel like they don't value or trust me enough to be honest and show up in the relationship as they are. The trust would be gone for me, and I don't know what could be done to bring that back.

Um, who appointed you?

I said that I am in a cash-flow crunch, aka skint, during some months due to big expected or unexpected expenses. I am not claiming to be poor or deprived. Also I am 61 and have worked my arse off since age 14 and earned every single penny that I have, while doing quite a bit of charitable giving, helping relatives and now doing caregiving and financial assistance for my sister.

The vet bill was 100 percent necessary, if you knew the circumstances. In my family we don't allow animals to suffer.

You are doing just what the OP is doing: Judging how someone decides to allocate resources. If her boyfriend thinks lager at a music show is not worth the cost, but expensive tile in his new bathroom is, or saving for old age, or whatever, that's his business and his alone. If she wants a free-spending man who likes to throw money about out at shows and pubs, she can go and find one.

The thing is it's your version of how you spend your money.

And you're judging him for how he views money and how he wants to spend it.

I agree he's not been completely honest but the fact he's left stuff out for you to see, shows he trusts you and thinks it's not a problem.

You see malice, he just sees... nothing wrong. Because that's how autism works. Not a lot of empathy for the other person at times.

It's they lying that would make me furious.

Do you think you will confront him OP? That must have been a horrible shock to find out he has been lying all this time. I have a friend who is miserly with money and it is a horrible character trait, we can never do anything that costs much as they're too scared to spend anything, it gets boring after a while.

Ignore the nasty comments they sound like idiots. Good luck for the future.

If his money is tied up in illiquid assets and he's living on 2500 a month, funding household renovations, big vet bills and ordinary expenses out of that, he's hardly lying if he says he's skint.