He isn't skint.

[AmIbeingUn]

NC for this as personal/outing. Am wondering AIBU? Or WWYD?

Began seeing a local man met on OLD. We matched so perfectly: same age, local, some mutual acquaintances, similar hobbies, outlook, politics, music taste, humour etc. Found him incredibly sexually and emotionally attractive and vice versa.

We became very close and cosy very quickly: daily contact, usually in person, in and out of each others' houses for coffee and a chat, sleeping over at each others houses often, meeting each other's friends and family. Talked loads, for hours, about a wide range of subjects and very frankly. Within weeks we were so close and comfortable with one another it felt like we'd been together for ages.

The only thing that wasn't perfect was that he had no spare spending money. He had gone part time at work to give him the time to renovate his house, singlehandedly, and those renovations also ate up all the money he had left over after paying mortgage and bills. He warned me that, until the house was finished and he returned to full time working, he could not afford to spend much on going out, going away, buying me gifts, unless it was cheap and we split the costs. I am not materialistic so I did not care and to be honest I am a homely person who is more than happy to have dates at each other's houses, cooking each other a meal or watching a film. For Xmas he saw something in a charity shop window which he knew I would love and he even admitted it had cost him only £2 and said he felt guilty and mean and sorry and hoped I would tolerate his being skint until he got back to work and could treat me properly and take me to a swanky restaurant now and again.

Whilst chatting and being in his home whilst things were happening in his daily life he would mention now and again that he was down to his last few pounds, or that the purchase of some essential building materials or an emergency dental problem or vet bill had wiped his bank account. I am not wealthy but I do have a couple of hundred pounds left over every month which I usually just put into a savings account. He never once asked me for money and in fact when I offered to lend him money once or twice he absolutely refused. When I offered to treat him to a fancy meal out or a theatre ticket he also refused, saying that unless he could pay at least his own share, he would not go. I saw these refusals as a confirmation of his honesty and integrity.

One day I was at his house reading the paper after breakfast and he was opposite me on his laptop. As he went to answer the front door I took the dirty plates to the sink and as I turned round to walk back to the table I could not help myself, my eyes were drawn to the screen which had some kind of spreadsheet of figures. I was absolutely staggered to see that he had stocks and shares and an ISA totalling £1.5m. When he came back into the room I just pretended I had not seen anything because I knew I should not have been snooping but I went home and was literally in shock and also really angry that he had been lying to me the whole time.

Next time I stayed at his I deliberately snooped when he was in the shower, and read an open letter about the sale of a flat he owned (which he had never mentioned to me). £250,000 from the sale had been deposited into my boyfriend's bank account about a week before, and yet that very day he had been saying how broke he was.

Am I in the wrong for snooping or is he in the wrong for telling me for a whole year the lie that he is struggling financially from month to month?

What would you do? Confront him and admit you snooped? End it? Tell yourself his finances are none of your business?

His finances maybe not, but a £2 charity shop gift and pleading poverty impact the OP.

I may not want to lead a lavish life but trips to the theatre and cultural activities are important part of life. He’d rather not do those things and is hiding behind false poverty. That has absolutely everything to do with OP.

Quote: He's ruined our relationship by leaving his bloody laptop open!!!!

I would counter that you've ruined your relationship by snooping. I see it all the time here, how often people snoop and how easily they justify it, like it's nothing. It's a huge breech of privacy.

You probably shouldnt have snooped but I must admit i l probably eould have too after accidentally seeing the spreadsheet.
Maybe it's not so black and white as him lying to you. He may be asset "rich" but cash poor and was living month to month. Obviously not when he then sold his flat.
Maybe he wants to know that you are in it for him and not his money?

I agree.
This is a lot of snooping.
It would take more than a quick, accidental glance to see what the amount of money in the account was, to ascertain that the account was exactly the same type of account as the OP has, one from which you can withdraw any time you like, takes 3 or 4 days to come tthrouh. Oh! And she also happened to notice money from the sale of the flat was in his bank account.
And had previously weighed up his mother's house as being worth three-quarters of a million when she visited and was given "the tour".
And I'm sure people would see this situation very differently if the sexes were reversed.

Even if you do confront him he is never going to change. This is who he is. A total miser and tightarse. The house will never be finished or he’ll claim it isn’t. He positively relishes not spending money and instead accumulating it. The nice holidays meals etc are never going to happen. I feel very sorry for you - you took him at his word and behaved like a decent human being. Got him a nice Christmas present etc. It’s over. I can’t imagine what it would be like if you confront him. He would probably be very angry and finish it with you. I don’t blame you at all for snooping - ok it’s not ideal but to see that spreadsheet when he got you a £2 Christmas gift from a charity shop. Just no.

I would just ask him has he really not got any savings at all that he could use to finish the house.

His answer will speak volumes. He if he lies then you know he is a liar.

He probably doesn’t want someone just after his money . In this day and age there are always gold diggers etc. he’s never asked you for money so what’s the problem?
sit down and have an honest chat with him…

Once you find someone has built a whole relationship on a lie, it changes the rules.
In the OP's shoes, I would have also done a bit of background work...I would call it self preservation rather than snooping.

He is mean , no excuse whatsoever in his position to spend just £2.00 on your birthday.
I understand why he may keep his finances to himself ,especially while he has been getting to know you but that's all .
He's meanness affects you in other ways too ie crappy seats in venues.
Meanness is not nice and at his age i doubt that he'll change , i don't think i could stay knowing all you know.

I think he’s just tight. Yes you shouldn’t have snooped, no doubt about that. But he’s a miserly liar and that wouldn’t be ok with me. I could stay with a poor man, but I couldn’t stay with a miserly one. They aren’t the same thing. For 2 years he’s stopped you living and enjoying a life you could have.

And I don’t think you sound like a gold digger at all! You aren’t looking him to fund you, but he hasn’t spent the time doing things you enjoy based on a lie and him being cheap. You even offered to pay these things and he refused (which is something in his favour tbf but still not ok).

I see that misogyny is alive and well on this thread. So many posters going on about gold diggers and not being "materialistic" etc. have really swallowed the incel kool aid.

OP: it is completely valid to want to be treated well in a relationship. Being treated well costs money. Other posters can pretend we live in neverland but that is the fact. And this man not only lied to you for a year but also let you spend MORE money on him than he does on you despite being a millionaire.

And to the posters going on about he may have been testing you, relationships are not a game, and you are not a dog for him to be training or testing.

I could not be with someone who had lied to me and treated me so poorly for a whole year, and don't listen to women who have internalised the incel rule book that says that any woman who knows her worth and is unwilling to settle for less is a gold digger.

Would you be happy if he had gone through your finances behind your back and reading your letters?

His finances are none of your business, the same as yours aren't his.

Ask him but be prepared he might end it.

You see people on here advising women to keep secret bank accounts and money that their partners don't know about and these are women in marriages and relationships.

Honestly I can’t believe people are saying you are grabby!

I’ve read all your updates and his behaviour sounds far more entrenched and extreme than someone not disclosing they have significant wealth to protect themselves. He is miserly, with himself as well as with the woman he loves. At 56 it is incredibly unlikely that this will change, he values seeing his assets grow and saving money more than he values experiences and things that cost money. It’s part of who he is now and unless he really wants to change and is prepared to put work in and seek support then he won’t. OP has finite fit and healthy years left, as do we all but she is a similar age to me and your awareness of this increases as you see the generation before you lose their health and their world shrink. She thought that as a couple they were postponing living more freely and travelling due to temporary tight finances on his side. She has now learned that he is choosing to live this way, not being honest as to why, and that it is therefore very unlikely that the future she thought they shared a visions of; of a couple without ties enjoying the lifestyle that goes with being two solvent professionals.

She can travel, eat at nice restaurants and go to the theatre alone or with friends, yes, but he led her to believe he wanted to do those things with her too but he doesn’t. I think it’s likely it isn’t actually about him trusting her now, it’s about him not wanting to be in a position where he has to spend money, something he finds difficult to do. It’s such a shame for OP and actually him too as they sound like they are compatible in all other respects. I expect he will be angry when she tells him she has seen his assets on his laptop and much of that anger will be displaced fear and panic that his excuse has gone and he has to either change his behaviour or admit it won’t change.

Yuk. He sounds awful, I could not bear this holey charity shop jumpered man who only spends two quid on his long term girlfriend, whilst sitting on more than a million.

As my dear old mum said.... shrouds don't have pockets.

He's a tight wad. He will get worse. He will never spend his money. He will begrudge you spending your money if you become more permanent together. It doesn't matter how much you have in commoon @AmIbeingUn , he is a boring miser who will whinge for the rest of his days that he has no money.

I'd be pissed off at being played for more "cosy nights in" when you fancied going out and he just can't be arsed.

What exactly is a gold digger as far as you're concerned?

Oh... and... I would look at him straight in the eye and say "I know you are not broke, why are you lying to me?"

Everything else you've said has been reasonable but if I may try and help you see a different perspective about charity shops and the clothes going to more needy people.

In my experience there are always more donations than buyers so him buying a particular item just frees up space for more stuff for someone else to buy. Buying from charity shops is kind of donating to charity, because Primark is cheaper than charity shops these days.

On your bigger, more important point. YANBU. He's been lying to you. Not, as you say, appearing to have a 'normal' income, but a significantly reduced 'things are tight' mentality.

My millionaire step relative had much the same attitude, always fretting about bills etc despite having £1m invested. Darned their clothes and no 'going shopping' for anything other than the essentials. Was bloody miserable listening to them. And no joy in their lives. Why die rich if you have no children to pass the money onto? Yes don't overspend so your retirement is in poverty. But there is a middle ground and YANBU to expect that to be the line you both walk together.

But if a gift has been given because he knew the OP would like it, and she did, why does it matter if it cost £2 or £200?

Surely the thought and intention counts and not the cost?

They split everything 50/50 and OP says herself she was happy until she snooped and went through his finances

Money changed how she felt towards him, maybe that's why he didn't tell her?

This sounds as if it could be savings for his pension as others have said. I wouldn’t even think of that as available money. It is possible to have a lot of money earmarked for the future that you never touch but still to be cash poor for everyday living. I’m not sure why you’re complaining as he was very up front about his plans to spend very little and has never borrowed from you.

A wealthy person doesn't have to tell a new date they're wealthy. But he went much further, going on about being broke and making up stories about a vet bill wiped out his bank account. That's lying. He could have just said nothing about his finances, acted like a normal person and bought modest but normal presents.
Not telling someone about your wealth is fine. Telling absurd, unnecessary lies to justify your stinginess is not.

A £2 Xmas gift from a charity shop for his girlfriend of two years. That shows you how much he thinks of you OP.

He will never change, he'll always lie to you, and you will always live frugally if you are together.

I'd just tell him that you found out that he was heavily deceiving you about his financial position and you can't trust him.

He could have said that he had a lot of invested money but preferred to live super frugally as a choice. He chose to lie to you instead.

He truly doesn't deserve you OP, you sound really lovely. You can do better than this.

It’s difficult OP, when you do mention it I would only mention the computer, not the snooping letter.

I’d just say the truth, that you saw what was on the open computer and it’s been on your mind ever since. Tell him you find it hard to understand his financial stance when he has money invested, and hopefully that will open up a discussion.

However, it could be that he is genuinely anticipating his retirement and feels he needs money put aside. It does seem silly not to at least spend and enjoy some of it and I can understand your hesitance to stay with him if that’s the case.

I’m personally a live for the moment person and I don’t think it would work for me, but only you know if you can adhere to his frugal lifestyle and be happy.

There's no way you can continue without asking him … it has to be done!

Stashes it away every month and lives frugally
This may be the sort of person he is, where ensuring financial security is the most important aspect of having money to him.
I am on the fence about whether he should have told you, if you were, say, engaged or seriously talking about long-term commitment then yes he should have broached it, he may be waiting till that time.
To me, the approach to money is one of the most divisive aspects in all relationships.
I wish you luck in navigating this!