He isn't skint.

[AmIbeingUn]

NC for this as personal/outing. Am wondering AIBU? Or WWYD?

Began seeing a local man met on OLD. We matched so perfectly: same age, local, some mutual acquaintances, similar hobbies, outlook, politics, music taste, humour etc. Found him incredibly sexually and emotionally attractive and vice versa.

We became very close and cosy very quickly: daily contact, usually in person, in and out of each others' houses for coffee and a chat, sleeping over at each others houses often, meeting each other's friends and family. Talked loads, for hours, about a wide range of subjects and very frankly. Within weeks we were so close and comfortable with one another it felt like we'd been together for ages.

The only thing that wasn't perfect was that he had no spare spending money. He had gone part time at work to give him the time to renovate his house, singlehandedly, and those renovations also ate up all the money he had left over after paying mortgage and bills. He warned me that, until the house was finished and he returned to full time working, he could not afford to spend much on going out, going away, buying me gifts, unless it was cheap and we split the costs. I am not materialistic so I did not care and to be honest I am a homely person who is more than happy to have dates at each other's houses, cooking each other a meal or watching a film. For Xmas he saw something in a charity shop window which he knew I would love and he even admitted it had cost him only £2 and said he felt guilty and mean and sorry and hoped I would tolerate his being skint until he got back to work and could treat me properly and take me to a swanky restaurant now and again.

Whilst chatting and being in his home whilst things were happening in his daily life he would mention now and again that he was down to his last few pounds, or that the purchase of some essential building materials or an emergency dental problem or vet bill had wiped his bank account. I am not wealthy but I do have a couple of hundred pounds left over every month which I usually just put into a savings account. He never once asked me for money and in fact when I offered to lend him money once or twice he absolutely refused. When I offered to treat him to a fancy meal out or a theatre ticket he also refused, saying that unless he could pay at least his own share, he would not go. I saw these refusals as a confirmation of his honesty and integrity.

One day I was at his house reading the paper after breakfast and he was opposite me on his laptop. As he went to answer the front door I took the dirty plates to the sink and as I turned round to walk back to the table I could not help myself, my eyes were drawn to the screen which had some kind of spreadsheet of figures. I was absolutely staggered to see that he had stocks and shares and an ISA totalling £1.5m. When he came back into the room I just pretended I had not seen anything because I knew I should not have been snooping but I went home and was literally in shock and also really angry that he had been lying to me the whole time.

Next time I stayed at his I deliberately snooped when he was in the shower, and read an open letter about the sale of a flat he owned (which he had never mentioned to me). £250,000 from the sale had been deposited into my boyfriend's bank account about a week before, and yet that very day he had been saying how broke he was.

Am I in the wrong for snooping or is he in the wrong for telling me for a whole year the lie that he is struggling financially from month to month?

What would you do? Confront him and admit you snooped? End it? Tell yourself his finances are none of your business?

Not sure. It's embarrassing enough that he had smuggled it in, but it would be even more embarrassing for OP if she was also expected to be sipping out of this carton.

OP, you accidentally snooped the first time. What you accidentally found out obviously made you suspicious so you snooped on purpose once. I think you can own that.
The point made that he might want to see how you are about a skint relationship, to know you're not after his money, could be a partial explanation.

Every time I think about dipping my toes back in the dating water in mid-life, I read a thread like this and realise I can't do it. These men are single for a reason!

I think his only crime her is being a cheap date. I would just tell him you inadvertently saw that screen. Then tell him you're upset about him being a cheap skate. Just talk to him about it!

yeah but you are not married and do not love each other, just call each other partner

also you both seem not have any mutual life at all

It is not a nice trait to be stingy, however, he maybe is a saver and considers any 'found' money something he can't touch. He must think that only his wage packet is spendable so to speak. Continue enjoying your time together day to day. He isn't borrowing from you. Maybe he had a dreadful money experience with previous partners. Maybe that money is earmarked for something else. I wouldn't keep looking at things you shouldn't.

Being cheeky, I'd be asking him to help me invest some of my savings on the stock market! Just be honest and say you could not help but notice his laptop screen was full of stocks and shares. Also ask about planning a holiday for next year. Hopefully his renovations will be finished. Obviously somewhere that you can afford to pay your own way.

Just want to say OP that I really do feel for you.

I do think you should let him know sooner rather than later what you have discovered. Tell him you bitterly wish he had not left his laptop open but he did and you cannot unsee it. That you were very happy, and happy to subsidise him in the future if necessary - but that now you know he has lied to you every day you do not know what to do.

I can, unlike most people on this thread, imagine a way back from this - can see, for example, that he has trapped himself in this lie as well as you, and that every day he might have been determined to tell you but the truth but also horribly aware that you would likely feel very very angry and dump him.

I think a lot is dependent on how he responds - any hint of attack, of 'how dare you snoop' and it's certainly over.

Good luck, really awful situation.

@AmIbeingUn he's 56. What is his history with women?

@frozendaisy this is the truest thing on this thread.

No-one knows they are even going to make it to pension age. No guarantees.

If the frugal lifestyle was something that the OP wanted and they had fun planning their pensions together, it would be ok. Most people by late fifties have realised they aren't going to live forever, that life is unexpected (and one or two friends have already died) and that living a good life, including treats and using your money to look after the ones you love, is the way forward.

He's not that, he might be for someone, but the OP sounds too generous hearted and nice herself to want to enter his game.

So what is wrong with a £2 present? Isn't it the thought that counts?

redtrain123

I think you need to have The Conversation.
If you don’t then the relationship is ruined, as you no longer trust him. If you do, then at least you know where you stand.

The trouble is, if the OP has The Conversation, the relationship may still be ruined whether she wants it to be or not; the OP isn't the only one with agency here - this man is going to find out that she's been snooping into his finances and he may decide it's over.

Sometimes honesty is the best policy. Mentioned that you noticed, as you were passing the computer screen that there were lots of stocks and shares info, and although you’re not an expert, implied he was a very wealthy man.

Would that be honesty? She happened to notice quite a few details while passing the computer screen like amounts and the type of accounts, like she's happened to notice his mother is a rich old lady who is likely to bequeath him her money and the house his mother owns that she happened to notice is worth about three-quarters of a million...
Honesty, imo, would telling this man that she has a jolly good idea of the amount of money he has saved, including in what sort of account, and she's aware of his expectations from his mother.
"Whoops! I tripped and your bank statement imprinted itself on my eye!" isn't quite the same thing.

This thread is so interesting as it shows the wildly different approaches to finances that people have, and what sort of moral value we place on those approaches.

Several posters have explained how they budget and avoid spending, because presumably that gives them something (other than just money saved). It seems to be something they share with their partner and it works for them (wouldn’t for me!)

But the OP didn’t know that this was a considered approach. She believed what she was told, and went along with what is for her a sub-par experience of life.

OP, all that matters now is what he tells you, and whether you think you can align your values. Personally I’d run a mile (whilst sobbing my heart out).

I used to be married to a stingy man. They never change, it's a character facet, I would say character flaw but the world is full of people buying yellow sticker food when realistically they absolutely don't need to and are in fact preventing people who do need to do that from accessing cheap food. They then, in my experience flaunt their "frugality" and wait for the applause. what's wrong with doing lovely things every so often? It feeds the soul. Life can be very difficult and every so often it's nice to do nice things. I asked my ex once what he was saving up for? No answer was forthcoming.

A few of things jump out at me,

• Trust: Obviously the lying and the fact he can't trust you, even after two years, to be honest about this situation

• Your attitudes to money aren't compatible: For you money means you can do nice things and enjoy experiences etc. Living life right now is important to you (obviously in a fairly low-key/balanced way as you aren't someone who throws money around but he's at a real extreme of being careful). Staying with him is currently preventing you from really living your life as you would enjoy. (Ribena at a theatre performance with a poor view sounds rather rubbish!)

.

• It sounds likely he doesn't really want to get back to working full time -and he doesn't need to with so much savings behind him, living this sort of lifestyle indefinitely - he can drag this renovation out for many, many years so this is going to continue to be the situation. Is this what you want?

So you need to decide if you can forgive his lying and accept his lack of trust in you.

And as well as that you need to decide if this is a lifestyle you want indefinitely or if you would prefer to leave to it and move on and find someone who matches you better in terms of lifestyle choices.

There doesn't sound like there is any compromising from him to adjust his spending preferences to accommodate you, e.g. being willing to buy a ticket to accompany you to the event you want to go to (equally to acknowledge this is something you would like to do (and have offered to pay) he's not evening willing to accept you paying and give up his time to come with you. etc.

It's you doing all the compromising to fit in with his limitations. Is that really what you want when you take a step back, irrespective of the lying and lack of trust?

YANBU at all OP. He has deceived you massively.

People accusing you of being a gold digger are clearly poor at reading comprehension.

Thing is, this means that he is not the person you thought he was. He is someone who either enjoys, or is compelled, to restrict themselves. And he's lied about it.

I dated someone for a while who sounds similar - he was hellbent on living frugally to retire young. Fine, but when he refused to go to the cinema for a date to see something we’d both have really enjoyed, I’d had enough. The cinema is hardly a huge extravagance and he said he only spent on the ‘big’ things in life, like furniture or garden renovation. Showed me he didn’t consider me, or having a relationship, to be a big thing, so that was the end for me.

Run!

Just tell him you saw what was on the laptop. You want to know, so ask.

But surely what he means is that he is trying to live within his current monthly income? So he has savings/assets/pensions he's not told you about. But he's not touching that and he is using his reduced, part-time income. He's said once he is back to full time he would be able to treat you etc. Incidentally, was he already renovating/p-t when you met? Because I would have thought, rather than lying, he came up with that plan of action and has just stuck to it.

I would fess up that you saw his spreadsheet and feel a bit hurt that he's claiming he's skint all the time when actually loaded and take it from there.

You make a lot of assumptions here. His DM might need care, she might leave the house to charity or a niece, or simply he doesn’t want to rely on a possible inheritance.

he likes to live frugally and within his income and save for retirement, I don’t see a problem here, he didn’t ask you for money or to pay for the trip.

And the charity shop comment is beyond ridiculous: only poor people are allowed to shop at charity shops? He didn’t deprive someone of a t-shirt buy shopping in a charity shop, he paid for it and contributed to a good cause.
You know there are charity shops in wealthy areas that sell designer clothes?

I agree with the notion that having that much money and buying someone you actually share a lot of your life with a £2 charity shop gift is truly mean.
If this guy was actually on the bones of his arse fair enough - that is the person he’s presented himself as, and it’s not who he is.
While OP is not grabby and I see that word a lot on here, she would like to have the occasional nice meal/weekend away/holiday she would pay for herself. But this man won’t even meet her halfway on that and I think that’s just awful.
There are no children he has to provide for. Of course, he has a right to save for his future. But he’s being an absolute skin flint here and it’s like he has a secret life with his money.
OP is going without things that are important to her and it’s not ‘stuff’ it’s shared experiences. She’s not asking him for a Cartier watch she’s wanting to share things ordinary couples do.
And he’s refusing.
I could not be around a man like that.

I would guess it is either a long “test” for you to see if you love him no matter what.

or he likes living this way, is mean and doesn’t want to spend one’s on you or doing nice things with you so the house, part time job etc is a bit of a ruse to enable this. It will never be finished as the pretence enables him to be legitimately stingy.

or it started off as the first and turned into the second or he doesn’t know how to tell you now that he actually has all this money.

If you aren’t ready to confront I’d start doing or booking a few fun things without him. A holiday with a friend or group etc. how he responds will be telling I think. At the moment it seems all his way and you cut your cloth to his specification but it doesn’t have to be like that.

Well, it might seem odd to you, but there is no way I would tell anyone that I hae substantial savings even after 2 years.

But the OP has also said that he does not know if he will be able to go full time again and he is worried about getting another job at his age.

The £1.5m could be his pension and might have to last him until he is 90.