WWYD? Flatmate and domestic abuse

[Lost03]

I'd really value some advice on what to do in this situation.

My flatmate has been emotionally and physically abusing his girlfriend, in our home. I can hear it from my room, and on two occasions in recent weeks I have alerted the police to physical assaults.

She is denying that there is a problem as she's scared of him and wants to stay with him for the time being. The police have asked me to give a statement to pursue a victimless prosecution, but she is begging me not to, and I am also worried about my safety, as he is my flatmate.

He's been arrested tonight, but is being released soon and knows I am the one who reported him.

I don't know what to do when the police call me later. I completely understand I need to be led by her, but she's also asking me to listen to the assaults and not do anything (in fact she's asked if I can record them for her for evidence in the future).

I'm a survivor of domestic abuse myself, so listening to this is very triggering. I also can't move just now, as my financial situation is so bad (partly because of the domestic abuse and partly because I am a student).

Do I lie to the police and say I made a mistake? Part of me wishes I'd never contacted them as they seem to have made everything worse, but at the same time, I couldn't listen to him hurting her and not do anything.

This is all such a mess. What would you do?

This is an awful situation, I’d see what the police suggest. Can you also contact your landlord - do you have a joint lease or separate?

Wow sounds horrible to listen to that and difficult dealing with the gf too.
Have you accessed student support services? Perhaps they could help you move if it's student accommodation

I wouldn't lie to the police. Maybe they would assist in you moving
Perhaps contacting a domestic abuse charity or victim support (you don't have to be the direct victim to access these services) would help.

Separate, but we have contacted them before and all they did was send a noise complaint letter to my flatmate.

I do have support through my University due to my own experiences of domestic abuse. There was a room on stand-by in case I needed to move due to my own abuser, but I'm not sure if that is still available (I'm living off campus at the moment). I've had a lot of support recently, due to my own situation, and I'm worried I'm starting to get annoying because I've needed so much support.

I might try and call the domestic abuse helpline and see what they suggest. I don't want to be selfish and do anything his girlfriend doesn't want, but I'm being left in an impossible situation...I feel like there's no right answer.

Move out.

Leave their situation. Tell the police you won't be a witness. Get out.

Tell your uni you're being triggered.

Honestly leave them to it. You mustn't take the only control she has out of her hands. Don;t do it to her.

I can't move out right now, I don't have the money for a deposit on a new place and I can't afford the rent on most places.

Could you try calling Women's Aid for advice, on how best to help her and possible housing options for you?

Do not fear being a nuisance, the university understands your prior troubles, and you say you had a room on standby. Ask them if you can use that room or if they can help with getting another one available. I'm surprised that you entered into sharing a flat with a man given your history. Would of been bsafer with a female.

Hi op, you're between a rock and a hard place here.

I actually disagree with other posters... ultimately the gf needs help. She may not feel empowered and safe enough to take this further right now but I think you should go ahead and give the information to the police to help them do their job to protect her. It takes the decision out of her hands which might actually be what she wants, she just may feel completely unable to tell you that because then she's in the firing line and scared of the backlash of that. Plus she may not have processed how unacceptable what he's been doing to her is if he's been gaslighting and emotionally abusing her. There's a reason why most domestic violence happens in built up areas - its usually called in by a neighbour who overhears it and not by the victim themselves.

If he already knows you called the police I think you may go the whole hog otherwise he'll know you called but they won't likely have enough evidence to do anything with him which means he'll be out and that could be unsafe for you both. If the police pursue it then he'll likely be in breach of his tenancy agreement so the landlord might have more grounds to evict him.

I would contact citizens advice and student support and explain your circumstances and see what help is available to you re: moving for your own safety. It doesn't say what age you are but there are also tenancy support charities that could help with things like deposits and setting up a new home. There's lots of grants out there but you'd need a support worker to apply for you.

Ultimately whatever you decide to do regarding police, you need to get away from there ASAP, your safety is crucial here.

Police officer working in DA here.
Please please provide a statement, the fact that these officers are talking about doing victimless is pretty big, too often we can't do anything so if there's a chance you can help and keep him away from her you will be helping her so much, even if she is too scared to support right now.

OP you need to make a statement to the police as he could kill her or disable her. If he threatens you then call the police, they take threats to a witness very seriously.

Regarding housing can you phone Shelter. They will be able to guide you on what to do.

Get a lock for your door and get advice from a domestic abuse organisation on safety.

Please go ahead with your statement. The girl can’t see the woods for the trees right now and that is demonstrated by her asking you to record things but not give them to the police.

It could be too late one day.

I am absolutely certain if you went to the student support services that you would get a grant to get a deposit on a different property.

Please contact them asap to discuss your situation.

Is there an emergency number you could call?

Tell the uni you are not only triggered by this situation, but could be in immediate physical danger for reporting the abuser to the police. Get the emergency room for yourself. It's meant for stuff like this.

@Lost03 - pls talk to the university again. This man is a danger to women. You cannot live in a flat with him.

The police may be able to obtain a short-term notice which means he has to stay away from the shared accommodation for a short period (28 days or something) but that might only be possible if they’re considering pursuing charges. However, you most definitely need to get away from living with him.

Could you call the National Centre for Domestic Violence? They may be able to give some helpful advice.

I’m worried about you! What if he comes for you? You need to be supported ask domestic abuse society for advice.

Please make a statement.

Also press for his bail conditions to mean he cannot reside within the same house as you.

I would be asking the police how on earth they expect you to support a prosecution when you are living with the perpetrator. Surely they can bail him up elsewhere if they are serious in asking for your supply. Uni should also be able to help with accommodation. I would focus on that before supporting a victimless prosecution

I'd support the police. I understand people asking you to leave it to the girlfriend but, since I feel very strongly about DA and abusers getting away with it, I would have to take the opportunity to get one of them in court where he should be (it's rare enough!)

She's unwittingly making you complicit in her abuse and, in asking you to record it, is re-traumatising you. You've got a chance to take action here; I don't think it's good for either you or her to choose continued submission.

Please go get back on the helpline, and request the emergency accommodation. Wishing you strength

Women's Aid got a grant to pay for my deposit and first month's rent so that I could move away from the home I shared with my abuser. They also told me about something the local council award called a discretionary housing payment, which is basically the same thing but not necessarily just for domestic abuse situations. I think it would be well worth giving them a call to see how they can support or signpost you.

Thank you for all of your replies, I've been reading all of them. He was released back to our address last night so I haven't slept particularly well.

@Opentooffers I had to move quickly and this was available and in budget. There are six people living here at a time, so a mix of women and men, but high turn over.

@DontBuyANewMumCashmere Do you know if there's a chance they would put bail conditions in place that he couldn't live here if I gave them a statement? As I'm not the victim I'm not really being kept up to date, bar being asked for a statement (despite the fact I'm the one living with him...)

I'll contact the domestic abuse helpline today for some advice. I just feel like there's no right answer. She wants to stay with him because of her immigration status, but she's also telling me she's scared he will kill her. I feel like I'm hurting her whatever decision I make. She's told me he's looking to move out now, but if that doesn't look imminent I will start looking to move.

In this situation I'd go ahead with the statement because if he's a student, there's a chance that post-uni he could apply to become a teacher or a HCP or a police officer or a myriad of other jobs where he has unlimited access to vulnerable people. You're not just doing this for the GF, you're doing it for future women who do a Claire's law check on him and future vulnerable people who might be left alone with him in a future job. If they can prosecute it will show up on his DBS which will protect potentially hundreds of other people from being harmed by him.

Thank you for reporting this despite knowing that it would make the situation difficult for you.

i don’t have any useful insights, except that you’ve done a good thing. And I hope that police or women’s aid type group can give you guidance for what to do now.

You can contact Rights of Women for free legal advice or Victim Support for advice regarding bail.

It's happening in your flat. I don't see how you can lie in that situation. You might think you're safer for lying, but you called the police in the first place so I dint think that will make any difference to how your flatmate will feel towards your interference.

Honestly what stood out is that she is scared he will kill her - and with 3 women a week killed in the uk by their current or former partner, he very well could. Often DV victims aren’t able to help themselves so it becomes vital that the people around them do.

It must be a horrible position to be in, I really feel for you, look after yourself also.