WWYD? Flatmate and domestic abuse

[Lost03]

I'd really value some advice on what to do in this situation.

My flatmate has been emotionally and physically abusing his girlfriend, in our home. I can hear it from my room, and on two occasions in recent weeks I have alerted the police to physical assaults.

She is denying that there is a problem as she's scared of him and wants to stay with him for the time being. The police have asked me to give a statement to pursue a victimless prosecution, but she is begging me not to, and I am also worried about my safety, as he is my flatmate.

He's been arrested tonight, but is being released soon and knows I am the one who reported him.

I don't know what to do when the police call me later. I completely understand I need to be led by her, but she's also asking me to listen to the assaults and not do anything (in fact she's asked if I can record them for her for evidence in the future).

I'm a survivor of domestic abuse myself, so listening to this is very triggering. I also can't move just now, as my financial situation is so bad (partly because of the domestic abuse and partly because I am a student).

Do I lie to the police and say I made a mistake? Part of me wishes I'd never contacted them as they seem to have made everything worse, but at the same time, I couldn't listen to him hurting her and not do anything.

This is all such a mess. What would you do?

Speak to the officer in charge, explain you are not against making a statement but are worried for your own safety living with him, if you do. Ask if there are likely to be bail conditions and can non contact with you and not to reside at your address be included. He may well have previous, they won't be able to tell you.

Thank you everyone, that's really helpful to know @username3678 and @MyOtherCarisAVauxhallZafira

@Lost03 I would say it is technically possible to bail someone from their home address but this is usually when the victim and suspect love together, I don't think we normally bail because of witness address.
HOWEVER this is of course smth you need to discuss with the officer in the case.

A previous poster talked about the 28 day thing, this is called a DVPN (notice of application for an order at court within two days to ban offender from an address) but there has to be fear of immediate violence (ie they live together and if he goes back he will beat her up straight away).
In this circumstance a DVPO wouldn't be applicable.

I hope all is OK OP, please feel free to DM me if you would like any advice.

Thank you so much for taking the time to answer. He's been released back to our address so I'm staying out of the way as much as I can. I'm still not sure what I'm going to say to the police when they call me. She doesn't want me to speak to them and has told me that her partner (my flatmate) has managed to find out my personal details, which worries me. I already have PTSD from my own relationship, and I don't want to make things worse.

But then again I can't just sit here listening to him hurt her, and she's told me last night she's scared he might kill her.

I think I'm going to have to explain to them that I'm not against making a statement, but I feel too scared to whilst I'm living with him. She's asked me to lie and say that I made a mistake, but I don't want to lie to the police in case I need support with my own situation with my ex-partner at any point.

Sorry for the long message...I don't have many people to talk to about this. I'm going to call the 24 hour domestic abuse helpline for my city on my way to the gym tomorrow for some advice, as people have suggested.

You can call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline 24/7: 0808 2000 247.

Thank you, there's one specific to my city that I'm going to try, but if I can't get through to them for any reason I'll try that. I can't speak on the phone in the house because his room is literally across the hall from mine.

I'll be safe tonight. The police came round to do an 'entry point check' a few months ago in relation to my ex-partner, and they said the doors and windows are very secure. That's something at least.

i would suggest you contact Woman’s Aid for advice. I would hope they can advise you and her on how best to be safe.

It's not safe to live in a place with a man whose partner thinks he can kill.

Go and talk to the well-being team at your uni. They can get accommodation to help you. Just reach out. X

I'm just worried I couldn't afford a room on campus. The room they'd set aside was for emergencies if my ex-partner turned up at my flat, and that was before term started so I assume it's been given to someone else now. Sorry, I'm not trying to be difficult...I literally have £300 and my family can't help due to debts. I've always paid my own way since I was 18 and I'm worried the University will think I'm begging.

I think I'll be okay. There's other people in the building and the police said my bedroom door was so solid they'd struggle to get through it, so my flatmate won't be able to.

no but your uni can help you with a way better solution, they can pay your deposit up front and a month's rent or so
but ok, if you are all right staying there. `i'd try to get him to move.

Hi op, if her immigration status is a concern you need to advise her that if she's a victim of dv she can apply for indefinite leave to remain under exceptional circumstances. She can contact women's aid for further clarity on this. The police can also help advise her on this.

I'll let them know what's going on and see if they suggest anything, I just feel embarrassed asking. Sorry, thank you for your help x

Thank you, that would make a big difference I think. Do you happen to know if that would still apply if they're not married?

Actually the more I think about it, this is a reason in itself why you should liase with police. This woman clearly has no idea of her entitlements or what support is actually available to her..potentially she could end up in a much, much better position if she reported him to the police.

The way I see it, without wanting to be upsetting to you, you're essentially living in the cycle of violence here anyway, you're just caught up in their cycle. I fully understand why you're scared and worried but you could also look at it as you taking control and breaking that cycle and refusing to be ground down by it. I'd tell the police the concerns that he's got your information and ask for immediate help with rehousing. The uni won't think you're begging or a nuisance- their support team are literally there for things like this. It's their job so please use them.

I'm not certain as it's been a while since I've worked with dv that closely but if she contacts womens aid they will be able to tell her. They can also give her a list of solicitors and help with applying for legal aid etc. I imagine it would be important for there to be a police record with a witness for this to serve as evidence to back her up with the home office though. So having you and the police and womens aid helping her could only stand her in good stead. The police can also give you home safety kits including alarms, alarmed door wedges etc which might make you feel more secure while you're in the property until you can get something else. I'd contact the landlord too and tell them exactly what's going on but again for an eviction they will likely need to see something on record with the police.

Thank you so much for your help, I really appreciate it. I think she did have a conversation with Women's Aid and they advised her to speak to immigration but she's convinced she'll be deported. I'll call the local domestic abuse helpline myself tomorrow morning and ask for advice.

I will speak to my University when they open on Monday too. I can see the shadows of him going in and out of his room under my bedroom door as I'm typing this and it's scaring me to be honest. I'm too embarrassed to ask for help with housing but maybe if I tell them everything that's going on they might be able to suggest something if they can help. I feel a bit like my life is a car crash and everyone's going to get fed up with me sometimes.

Myself and another flatmate did report this to our landlord before but they said all they could do was send a noise complaint. But maybe the police can help with giving a crime reference number or something to show it's more serious?

https://www.gov.uk/indefinite-leave-to-remain-domestic-violence-abuse/eligibility

This might give some useful information but it's probably best she gets advice directly based on her own specific circumstances just to be sure.

Thank you, looking at that I don't think she'd be eligible, but I'll speak to my local domestic abuse service tomorrow. I think she would speak to the police herself if she knew she could stay.

You're right that to be eligible for legal aid, she will need to have evidence of the domestic abuse. This could be a range of things and her legal aid adviser will be able to help her get this evidence. She does not have to be married to the abuser. Reporting to police is a good step. Talking to a legal aid solicitor is likely a good idea. I really hope things improve for you and her.

i feel totally the same about my life being a car crash after extreme abuse and yes everyone getting fed up

but domestic abuse support services don't ever, they get it x

Please tell your student accom and students union - they should help
You move

Hi everyone, thank you so much for your help. I wanted to post a brief update.

I've spoken to the domestic abuse helpline for my city today, and they have advised there is some kind of visa she can apply for because of the domestic abuse. They also said they could help with legal advice and legal aid. I've passed this information on and hopefully she will take that up.

The helpline also told me that I should continue to report incidents of physical violence to the police if I overhear them, even if she doesn't want me to, especially as she's said she's scared he may kill her.

I know it might sound selfish and unkind, but I've also told her that I will be here if she decides to go to the police, but otherwise I don't feel able to continue to support her for the time being. It's having a big impact on my mental health due to my own experiences, and is making me feel unsafe in my flat. I hope that doesn't make me an awful person, but this is all getting a bit much.

I've also contacted the police and told them that I wouldn't necessarily be against making a statement, but I won't be doing so whilst I'm still living with the perpetrator, as I don't feel safe.

I'll let my university know what's happened when they are open tomorrow, and see if there's any else they can suggest. I'm a postgraduate student and due to finish soon, so I don't think they'll be able to help with accommodation unfortunately.

Doesn't make you awful it is just you being realistic about what your threshold is. You've made her aware of the best possible people to help and support her. Look after yourself op.