Living at home again

[Frustrat3d13]

For reasons I don't really want to get into because its been very upsetting, I'm now in my 30s with a toddler and living back at home with my parents again solo parenting.

I'm extremely grateful to them for this as it's been a very difficult period in my life and they've helped us out immensely. Doing this will enable me to buy (waiting on the sale of another house) and hopefully put a permanent roof over dc head. I've repeatedly asked them what I can pay in terms of rent/keep and they've refused anything and said they just want to see us back on our feet again and expect me to save as much as possible while I'm there. Again, incredibly grateful for this.

At the same time, there are a few things that are driving me slightly crazy. I have been solo parenting for months now and juggling that, running my home and a ft job and don't get me wrong I'm bloody exhausted but I'm really proud of how well I've managed by myself under the circumstances. But it's like all of a sudden they just see me as 16 years old again.

They're very particular about how they like things done and I really have been trying so hard to do things the way they like (even if I think it's a pointless preference) because it's their space and I'm lucky to be in it. But the little comments and criticisms are constant. Querying what I feed dc and how much (dc is a healthy weight and I make everything from scratch so I don't mind if he eats a bit more because I know it's all good food), querying dc sleep, clothing, warmth etc etc all the time. Reminding me to tidy my bedroom (it's been sitting like pins on paper since I moved in - i don't need to be told), insisting on doing my laundry because they don't trust how I do it, watching and commenting on what I eat and how much exercise they see me do, commenting on what items I have on display in my bedroom and going in and out of my room for things before I get the chance to deal with things myself. I would prefer to do my own laundry and have offered to do theirs along with my own which was refused because they felt I wouldn't do it "properly".

They are also totally insistent that they will not childproof anything in the house. Dc is very good but can be boisterous and I'm really worried dc will break some of my parents things because I know that will cause a big reaction and I don't want dc exposed to that. Plus I find it stressful watching a toddler and animals and making dinner etc when dc can get into every drawer and cupboard and it's not my house.

How do I go about addressing this in a way that they might actually hear it? My mum has repeatedly said that we will need to set boundaries with each other and I feel like I've respected every boundary they've put in place and they've refused all of mine and I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Its always their way or the high way and i knew it was going to be difficult but I'm trying to rebuild my own emotional resilience in the midst of this and I actually felt really unwelcome at points today even though im sure they didn't mean to make me feel that way. But then it is their house and I don't want to rock the boat too much? Any advice?

You can’t OP. Their house, their rules. You just keep your head down until you can move out.

Just nod and smile politely

This would drive me wild but they are old and set in their ways

You have given them new purpose!

‘yes mum I know the house rules’ then move the convo on

Their house....

They made plans; You and DC have turned up. That wasn't in their plan.

Their rules, with a bit of compromise would be the way to go.

Can you have a non confrontational conversation where you discuss how things are going. Their house their rules but your child your rules and responsibility not theirs. If they love you both they will surely want to understand but obviously depends on their levels of emotional maturity and self awareness. Worth it to have some peace though.

Also can you have separate living area eg bedsitting room where you and DC can relax and parents can have some space for themselves. Even better if you can have separate kettle etc.

The only battles worth fighting here are ones of safety. You can’t realistically shadow a toddler every second because you will end up asleep or indisposed at some point in time. So things that could harm your child or that your child could destroy need to be put up or protected somehow.

There is no way I'd be allowed a kettle. I apparently boil it the wrong way and it must only be used with an extraction fan on over it.

They're totally just set in their ways and I can see how since they've retired, small things have probably become very important to them... I really do get that and the last thing I want is to become a nuisance to them. I take full responsibility for dc when I'm at home, they are currently my childcare while I'm at work but only while ds is on the waiting list for nursery. Their offer of help with childcare was a large part of why we moved in the first place because I'd never get a mortgage approved on my own with full time childcare costs. If it's not working then I'll move it to full time when I get a house sorted.

This is my feeling. And it's not everything- just the TV is very low and reachable so I'd like if it was secured and he couldn't topple it and if the cupboards with food/ sharp/ small things in them were latched then who cares about the pots/tupperware etc. They're very concerned about any child proofing damaging the furniture and I've suggested internal latches that you can't see from the outside and they've still said no. I can swallow most things but I want dc to be safe. Ss are involved due to the reason why I'm here in the first place so I'm also very conscious I need to be making sure the environment ds is in, is safe for him and that I'm parenting appropriately (even though I'm not and never have been the concern).

I don't know right now whether it was Sun Tzu in 'The Art of War' or General Patton or possibly Napoléon Boneparte or all three but the basic premis is: 'The position will fall under it's own weight.'

As said earlier, nod, smile, carry on. They will compromise eventually but the trick is to make it seem like it was their idea all along. Like the catches on the cupboards, the great kettle dispute etc.

Good luck and best love. You've done so well already.

I know it's been a while but I'm resurrecting this because I'm about to lose my mind. I had really hoped that over time this would have got easier and they'd see that I'm respecting their space and their wishes but it's just felt like the opposite. The longer I'm here the less they're respecting any boundary I'm trying to set.

I have complied with EVERYTHING they've asked of me no matter how big or small. I have kept everything really tidy after me and ds and I have been hiding out in my bedroom in the evenings and making sure we're out for the day at the weekends so they have their own space as much as I can. But there is just absolutely no give and take.

The comments on my food choices/ how much and what I eat are CONSTANT. I come home every day to things moved in my bedroom so I know my mum has been in my room while I've been out going through my things. I have a little basket with some crisps and chocolate in it for if I decide I want something if I watch a movie in the evenings and I know she's in there tracking what I eat. She's gone in and gone through my bedroom bin and totalled the calories of everything that was in it and then announced it to me. Once I got a takeaway and ate it in my car on the way home from work as I'd not eaten and it was late and she saw me put the rubbish in the bin so now she checks my car every morning and every day I come home she accuses me of leaving work early to go get rubbish food on the way home. I usually meal prep and bring food with me to eat in work so this was only been a one off and I certainly didn't left my shift early to do it. I've also explained that I don't eat everything that is in my bin in one sitting - was accused of lying.

Ds is ready for potty training now but I'm not sure how I can do it because I'm still not allowed to do my own washing and my mum complains and gets angry about having to do it (she doesn't I don't want her doing it) and I have to justify why every item I put in the wash basket needs to be washed/ how many times its been worn.

The comments about my parenting are chronic. They keep telling other people who I don't know well about the traumatic reason why I'm living with them in detail which is embarrassing for me and I am really worried about the impact this will have on ds as he gets older and who he might hear things about his dad from. I've uprooted my entire life to get him away from his dad and to be able to have some control over when and how I tell him about what happened and them spreading this to people I barely know but then am expected to see in passing is horrible.

It's just really, really getting my down. Tonight it got so bad that I had to say something and I simply said that the comments about my eating need to stop and that I'd rather they asked me before telling people my business. I was calm and polite in how I said it. Was told I was pathetic and ridiculous. It was so bad another family member intervened and backed me up again calmly and very respectfully. Now my mum, instead of just taking accountability for overstepping so much has announced that she's extremely hurt and suicidal and has thrown a complete wobbler. My dad is blaming me, expecting me to apologise and when I tried to reason with him he said he feels she's entitled to do all the things she's been doing and that's normal parenting behaviour. I'm sitting here crying and unable to sleep with frustration. I feel utterly powerless to get my point heard and I feel like I'm going to have to choose between my own mental wellbeing and trying to secure a mortgage and more stability for my son. Thankfully he's in nursery now. I just feel like I did when I was a child. I worked so hard to be as independent as possible and live as far away from them as I could and I'm just devastated that I'm back here and depending on them again because it's just so toxic. It makes me so sad that I can't have a normal, positive relationship with my parents the way I would like to. Any advice on how I can stick this out until I've a deposit ready?

How long is it going to be until you can pull together a deposit? Are you only waiting on court and the sale of the current house?

is it a scale of weeks or years?

at some point you may just need to accept that renting and having your independence and sanity is better than owning.

I have already paid off all my debts and am saving hard but I'm waiting on stbxh selling the house and making a financial agreement so I'm thinking roughly another 6 months. Then however long to find a property and get it agreed.

Rental costs in this area are just so high now and most of what's available is student let's which wouldn't be suitable. I wouldn't be able to save very much at all if I rent while paying for nursery costs. Living with my parents means I'm able to save a lot every month so if I do get something that needs work done I'll hopefully have the money to do that. Id pay nearly double renting than what i would on a mortgage so it makes more sense long term to try and buy as soon as i can. So ideally I want to make this work if I can. I just don't know how to do that or how to get my mum to accept some basic boundaries. Or if that's even possible, it may just be wasted effort even trying, it really feels like the only perspective she's ever been able to see is her own.

With my practical head on - 2 choices.

1. stay, just put up with it, and save / leave as soon as you can (if dependent on the sale of your house and financial order - 6 months is ambitious, I have to say)

2. rent somewhere small and have peace of mind / gain back your independence.

I know which I'd rather do. I know it'll impact you financially, but it's a question of what is most important.

You get one life OP. Can you have a look at types of mortgage? Start with higher payments, then when the financial order / sale of house is through, put this into the house?

There are options. Not easy ones, but they do exist. I couldn't live like this.

Just focus on the money you're saving and the safe surroundings.

they cant be that old

just ask reasonably, buy some socket covers, move things up out of reach of your toddler, they have had toddlers so they must realise?

can you live with another family member?

i think you need to stick up for yourself.

you need to say your piece, dont back down
they may be doing you a favour but they sound over bearing and unreasonable.
my own dd is back home, younger than you, but i cannot imagine behaving like this.
i also stayed with my own dm when i had my ds and it was tough i remember

Living with my parents means I'm able to save a lot every month

Unfortunately it seems like that's the only benefit you can hope for in this arrangement and the rest of the pain is the price you're having to pay. That's the give and take, they're not capable of changing and this is the dynamic you have. It sounds awful for you but I'm also aware it seems to be awful for them too and you moving back in seems to have sent your mum's mental health spiralling - her behaviour has worsened as you say to these levels and I'm sure she's not getting a kick out of it. They want to enjoy their home not be stressed into constant anxieties and getting set off by this presence they can't control in their home. It's too much for them and despite best intentions it's beyond their capabilities. Ny parents were lovely but I can see they'd get stressed to bits if I'd moved back in full time with a toddler. There really is no solution beyond sucking it up or moving out. You can't be independent and dependent with this kind of dynamic. Set your date to leave and get through it until you can breathe again.

I've done this, I've asked and they have point blank refused. The bit that really grates on me is they get so cross with ds if he breaks/spills anything but when I remind them he's only little and that they were the ones who chose not to childproof/ won't let me do the washing to clean clothes be gets spills on mum just says "isn't it incredible that you managed to survive our awful parenting" it's the same with having to remind them that ds cannot wear his puffy winter coat in the car. It all comes back to emotional manipulation. My mum will then find a way to bring it up later and use it against me.

In some ways it's easier now because I can see it for what it is, but it doesn't make it much easier to listen to and I hate that this example is being set for ds.

There's no other family that would have room for us and I had to move away from all my friends so I've noone else nearby.

my ds is 30 and i had socket covers
they are being ridiculous

It sounds like hell, op.

I hope things come together so you're able to leave soon.

I think you may need to leave. I know that will be expensive and delay your mortgage plans with the additional cost of renting, but your dm’s suicidal reaction to you asking for just a reasonable amount of privacy is telling. I’m not sure that having a calm and reasonable conversation will be possible.

My dm is quite similar in terms of intrusiveness into my life, I realised that she wasn’t going to change, she is not capable of it and now I keep her at arm’s length. There are some good self-help books on narcisstic mothers who undermine their daughters which could help you to cope with her, but ultimately this could grind you down to a point that is not worth it.

Your mother needs to back right off, stop threatening suicide and trying to control you but I doubt if she will.
Walk away from them now even if it wastes money on renting. Living with them is too high a price emotionally.
Is there anyone you could share rent with?
Can you move in with the family member who supported you?

can you look for official leaflets about child proofing the house to show them?

I feel like your parents are actually emotionally abusive so you might need to weigh up the financial benefits versus the harm to your wellbeing.

Might they help you out financially instead if you moved out?