Living at home again

[Frustrat3d13]

For reasons I don't really want to get into because its been very upsetting, I'm now in my 30s with a toddler and living back at home with my parents again solo parenting.

I'm extremely grateful to them for this as it's been a very difficult period in my life and they've helped us out immensely. Doing this will enable me to buy (waiting on the sale of another house) and hopefully put a permanent roof over dc head. I've repeatedly asked them what I can pay in terms of rent/keep and they've refused anything and said they just want to see us back on our feet again and expect me to save as much as possible while I'm there. Again, incredibly grateful for this.

At the same time, there are a few things that are driving me slightly crazy. I have been solo parenting for months now and juggling that, running my home and a ft job and don't get me wrong I'm bloody exhausted but I'm really proud of how well I've managed by myself under the circumstances. But it's like all of a sudden they just see me as 16 years old again.

They're very particular about how they like things done and I really have been trying so hard to do things the way they like (even if I think it's a pointless preference) because it's their space and I'm lucky to be in it. But the little comments and criticisms are constant. Querying what I feed dc and how much (dc is a healthy weight and I make everything from scratch so I don't mind if he eats a bit more because I know it's all good food), querying dc sleep, clothing, warmth etc etc all the time. Reminding me to tidy my bedroom (it's been sitting like pins on paper since I moved in - i don't need to be told), insisting on doing my laundry because they don't trust how I do it, watching and commenting on what I eat and how much exercise they see me do, commenting on what items I have on display in my bedroom and going in and out of my room for things before I get the chance to deal with things myself. I would prefer to do my own laundry and have offered to do theirs along with my own which was refused because they felt I wouldn't do it "properly".

They are also totally insistent that they will not childproof anything in the house. Dc is very good but can be boisterous and I'm really worried dc will break some of my parents things because I know that will cause a big reaction and I don't want dc exposed to that. Plus I find it stressful watching a toddler and animals and making dinner etc when dc can get into every drawer and cupboard and it's not my house.

How do I go about addressing this in a way that they might actually hear it? My mum has repeatedly said that we will need to set boundaries with each other and I feel like I've respected every boundary they've put in place and they've refused all of mine and I don't think I'm being unreasonable. Its always their way or the high way and i knew it was going to be difficult but I'm trying to rebuild my own emotional resilience in the midst of this and I actually felt really unwelcome at points today even though im sure they didn't mean to make me feel that way. But then it is their house and I don't want to rock the boat too much? Any advice?

Ds is now in nursery- you maybe haven't read the full thread.

My in-laws refused to childproof and were as opinionated as you are experiencing. Visits, never mind living with them, were so stressful there was an almighty row and we cut contact.
I hear you.
You don’t mention siblings. Will your parents lend/give you some money towards a deposit now? Remove yourselves but maintain contact and grandparent-grandchild relationship?

😂😂😂 they're a nightmare! But will they give you money 🤣🤣🤣🤣 fuck off are you insane? Why would they give her money???
They already provide a place for her and her child to live rent free and child mind him so she don't have to pay for nursery!

Yes, it’s their house, but a lot of what you’re describing is comments about your body or your child, or interfering with your belongings, none of which is acceptable. It sounds like a really hard situation given how difficult the rental market is, and frustrating that your parents’ own anxieties are getting in the way of creating a really supportive environment while you get back on your feet.

Unfortunately I can relate a lot to the kind of dynamic and comments you have to deal with. I respond with “none of your business” to personal and/or unnecessary comments (e.g. food) which I know sounds harsh but sometimes there is no appropriate response to the inappropriate!

If you decide to stay put for now, might finding a therapist be an option? It may slow down your saving plans a bit but having someone to talk things through with can make a world of difference.

Good luck xx

I don't think you can change them, but I do think your resentment at their admittedly annoying ways could permanently damage your relationship. Personally I would put up with it for six months (my parents make similar comments when we visit but I did indeed survive their parenting and I trust their judgement equally to my own). But if I felt the level of anger and righteousness you are expressing, I would move out and not rely on their childcare either - nothing is worth jeopardising a good relationship with your loving (if irritating) parents.

I do pay for nursery.

I'm already in therapy as a result of the reason why I'm here in the first place. I've been in and out of it over the years due to my mums behaviour and lack of boundaries in the past.

Have you just told me to fuck off and suggested I’m insane @ioveelephants?
It’s difficult to decide as you change pronouns.
These parents don’t need their daughter’s financial contribution. Perhaps they too are finding this situation stressful.
And, as someone in their generation with AC, like many others, I’ve given some money to help with a house deposit. Don’t try the “aren’t you a wealthy bitch”/“not everyone’s that fortunate” shit on me.
Why don’t you think through the details of OP’s scenario and be precise in your writing before you respond?

I don’t see how you can stay there for another six months or possibly more. It must be stressful and they are out of order but there is not a lot you can do when it is their home. I would personally move out.

OMG I feel so stressed just reading what you are going through. I can offer no words, other than to wish you the utmost inner reserves to survive the next six months until you can get out of this toxic situation. I'm very relieved to hear that at least there's a silver lining, in that you'll be able to save up to buy you own place. Please vent here any time you need, because it doesn't sound like your parents are ever going to learn or listen or respect your boundaries.

What is with your messages @rachmorr57 why wouldn't I pay for my own child? I'm not asking for any free childcare other than when my parents ask to have ds. I don't assume they're built in babysitting just because they happen to be here if that's what you're getting at.

I’m in a similar situation to you. I’m back home in my early 30s with a baby and teen.

It has taken a very long time for my mum to stop treating me as if I’m still 16 year old me. I don’t seem to be an adult. Whilst I will happily follow house rules, I think hearing nasty comments about your body or eating habits is alot to deal with.

I lived at home a few years ago and it was awful! My mum thought I was always up to no good. My teen at the time was younger, I didn’t rely on mum for babysitting (the odd evening of work overran) - I was always in on the weekend (unless it was a very close friends bday). At the time she took over parenting my daughter to the point where we would have huge arguments.
mThis time around (maybe because she’s older and has more of her own social life than she did back then) - she is much nicer and tolerable - but she has her sly digs and very strange commentary.

I survive by taking the kids out on the weekend - I have a few friends who know the situation and we spend days at theirs. Contributing to bills and shopping. And reminding her of boundaries. For example she will walk into my room whenever - especially when I’m trying to put baby down and completely mess up the sleep routine - so I’ve had to mention boundaries. although it takes a while to sink in. And I had to put something behind the door to lock it as she didn’t get it.

Summer months are defiantly nicer (I found).

It sounds like you are being as respectful as you can, but nobody should make you feel this way.

Also I’ve realised MN is very sour about people that live back at home - Id take comments that are less empathetic lightly - we are lucky to have this option as a back up. Even if it is frustrating!