Why don't I ever matter much to anyone?

[jubs15]

Throughout my life I don't seem to have mattered to those I have any kind of relationship with. The common denominator is obviously me, but I now feel I'm not worth much and I don't know how I can get out of the mindset. Some examples:

• I only see my friend if I travel to her. She's never travelled anywhere to meet me and although I spend hours listening to her woes, providing empathy and advice, she just stares at me as if I'm speaking a foreign language if I talk about something important to me. Another friend only wants to see me if he doesn't have to pay for anything. The other friend ditched me the second she moved away.

• Similar with partners current and previous. I have to do all the travelling and arranging, I put in way more effort into everything than they do, they are never bothered about other men being a potential threat. At least three relationships have ended because of suspected or confirmed cheating by them.

• With my mother, either I make a 120-mile round trip or I would never see her. I take her out every year for her birthday; she's never offered to do the same for me, even when I've had nobody in my life. She will ask what I want for Christmas and send the Amazon delivery direct to my house there and then, ie it comes in a cardboard box, weeks before Christmas. It feels like a tick-box exercise.

• Every close friendship I've had over the years has ended when that friend has found someone a new friend or I've served a purpose and they no longer have a need for me.

• I go out of my way to help everyone at work and I do my best for them always. In return, people speak to me however they like, I get no support and nobody says sorry.

If I stand up to my friends, partners, colleagues and family and or tell them that how they treat me is not acceptable, then I would have nobody in my life at all. For some reason I can no longer cry, so people don't get to see how upset they make me. Being with people who don't think I'm important to them is marginally better than being completely alone, but I wish I knew why I am so worthless to so many. It makes me feel like I must be an awful person because nothing I ever say or do or look like is enough.

I think it stems from the way your mother treats you. She doesn't make any effort so you've overcompensated all your life. You're a people pleaser and have few boundaries.

First don't do things for people and expect them to like you, some people will take advantage.

Regarding your friend, she's not a friend and she treats you like your mum. It's a familiar dynamic.

I really recommend counselling in order to help you recognise these patterns, build your self confidence and assertiveness.

In future mirror the other person's interest. This applies to all relationships. If they come to meet you, go and meet them. If they show an interest, show it back. Don't go out of your way for anyone if they wouldn't do it for you.

For friendships join a hobby group or try meetup.com or local Facebook for what's going on locally.

Op I'm sorry.
It sounds really shit.

You just haven't found your people yet.

This really sucks and i'm sorry you have experienced that. I tend to think that people treat us how we let them, and its clear from your writing that you're understandably feeling insecure, I wonder if that's rubbing off on those around you. Is it worth trying to work on your self-worth?

Where are you from op? X

That sounds really hard op.

May I ask how old you are?

OP I think that people who are loud and demanding always seem to be more popular because people are worried about upsetting them.

i know someone who I’m not really friends with now. She was quite a demanding friend and very self centred. She has loads and loads of friends, on her bday for example, the week before and after is filled with friends taking her to lunches and dinners and giving her gifts.

... but I now feel I'm not worth much and I don't know how I can get out of the mindset ...

This is probably the issue, you don't value yourself. That will come across in your interactions with others.

If a friend said that they felt worthless, how would you counsel them? What would you do to let them know they were important to you? You need to be your own best friend, find your worth, cherish yourself. Know you are of value. You may need to find outside help with this through counselling or there are many other resources, books, podcasts etc.

💐for you @jubs15, I feel similarly - 'useful, but not important' - even to my partner. It's awful, isn't it? And very undermining!

I have no advice for you, if I did it would be a case of "physician, heal thyself", but offer solidarity and good wishes

If you grew up with this kind of treatment then you're probably gravitating towards people who treat you similarly as it feels familiar. You're probably also less likely to have firm boundaries therefore put up with people who take advantage.

When I was a child my mother didn't see me as a real person. She treated me as her therapist and confidante and it was my job to soothe her. I would sit for hours listening to her woes but she didn't have the slightest interest in me.

So as an adult I've put up with a lot of shit behaviour from people which wrecked my self esteem and made me feel like I didn't matter to anyone, but I'm gradually learning how to put boundaries in place and am now fostering new friendships with people who actually care about me.

I disagree that being with people who don't think you're important is better than having no one, it's only going to leave you feeling more and more worthless. Tell your friend it's her turn to come to you, and tell your other friend it's their turn to pay. If they respond badly to that then fuck them, they really aren't worth any more of your time. Find a therapist to work on unpicking these patterns and start afresh.

I was born and raised in London but have been in Wales for the past 12 years. I came here by myself.

I'm sadly 52, so it's decades that I've felt like this.

OP sending you 💐 hugs. As others said, it’s definitely in your mindset because you are of great value in this world. I sometimes listen to podcasts when I feel like this. I wonder if they will help when you’re in bed? I find them very helpful. Especially affirmation ones. I’ve also found mumsnet to have given me a voice and helped me in dark times, not necessarily through posting but reading other posts.

As I’ve aged, I’ve been able to drop off the friends who don’t come to my home and that I constantly am the one making contact and going to see them. I’ve got a very small circle now but I know they are my real friends.

There is a heap of good advice on here. I’m not able to offer much more but I didn’t want to read your post and not say anything as my heart went out to you.

You are worth much more than the value you place on yourself and I think this is the key to unlocking these patterns with people in your life and changing the view on yourself.

So I felt the same.

You have to stop trying hard. In fact, stop trying at all especially with those from whom you get nothing back really.

Don't stand up to them. Just retreat quietly away from them with no drama or fuss.

You will enter a spell of loneliness but I think you're experiencing a a kind of loneliness now anyway. That is the worst that will happen. A time of loneliness. And that will pass. So don't be afraid to say no thanks or even nothing to the people with whom you are trying so hard. Even your mum. If she asks why you've not visited, then just say you haven't had time and would she like to visit you instead? If she says no then there are no visits.

During this time, look about you. You will start to notice quiet, unassuming people. There are some diamond people about. You have to just take stock and look out for them. Start small with new individuals and avoid groups because you can't forge friendships in groups really.

Also make some changes. One small change can cause a cascade of events or even a little difference. You can venture out either a new interest or hobby. Do something that is new.

Only engage with people that make the effort. As soon as the effort stops on their part then it's time to move on.

You are most definitely worth the effort. But some people really can't be arsed especially if they sense you don't require much effort.

I could have written your post.

Much of my life has been like this dispersed with short periods where things have been better temporarily. I do have a great DH and one wonderful friend where I don't feel this way.

I grew up with a very grumpy and domineering Dad and people pleasing Mum. I was quiet and introverted but would regularly get shouted at despite being a very well behaved child. If I got upset , my Dad would shout at me or call me a cry baby. My Mum was lovely but had a tendency to dismiss my feelings. I'm a very different character to her and most of my life growing I endured her trying to mould me into someone I wasn't. At the time, I thought this was all normal behaviour. Looking back, I realise they didn't or couldn't accept me as I was. In the last year or so I've realised that I also have the same problem with one of my siblings.

The main theme that has run through my life is that I am rarely if ever heard. Relationships with bosses, colleagues, friends, boyfriends, siblings are all fine while I'm the one doing the giving but as soon as I need something from them it all goes pear shaped. I do my absolute best to resolve issues harmoniously but as soon as I get any sense of someone not listening to me I have a very over the top trauma response which makes any problems 100 times worse. People then avoid me or drop me like a stone which makes me feel worse.

Under ideal conditions, I'm kind, caring, gentle, quiet and supportive. However, I've found myself in so many situations that have gone pear shaped that I feel that I am viewed as difficult, stubborn and hysterical. It's very upsetting.

In a bid to change the narrative, I've recently decided to change how I view things. I've got a situation where I've tried to solve problems and have been repeatedly ignored. Rather than try harder I've stepped away. I've decided that the people involved aren't actually interested because they have made no effort despite me becoming increasingly upset and frustrated. I suspect the situation will deteriorate further but I've decided that it's in my best interests to pretty much watch and wait. I've got a gut feeling as to how the situation is going to unfold and it's not going to be good.

I think the key thing is to operate from the position of doing what is best for you. If you're the one always travelling a long distance, suggest you meet half way. If you're the one always paying for your tight friend, go to free events or museums. Send your Mum an Amazon box on her Birthday and see her when it suits you. The main crux of it, is CARE LESS about meeting everyone else's needs and CARE MORE about meeting your own needs. It's not selfish and you don't need to rude. It's self preservation.

Like me, you need a few more friends where the relationship is reciprocal. Phase people in slowly. Don't do all the running. If you suggest coffee and they don't reciprocate then don't progress that relationship. If you go out and they spend the whole time talking about themselves and don't ask after you, don't progress the relationship. Good relationships are give and take.

The periods where life went well for me have been when I've been pretty selfish. Not in a malicious way but in a not doing anything that didn't suit me way and not explaining myself or trying to be too nice.

OP would you consider having some therapy to help you examine early patterns of feeling unloved? Also a good relationship with a well trained therapist can be very healing.

Sorry you have to deal with so many selfish dullards x

Also, start creating more connections with a wide variety of people. Try groups, courses or workshops. Birds of a feather will flock together. Start on a superficial level and build friendships slowly. Get a good sense of people before you commit and work on having a range of friends. I don't think it's always healthy to be dependent on a couple of people to get your needs met especially if they're tight and selfish!

I clearly need to follow my advice but I've made a start and I'm working on it.

You’re a people-pleaser. You centre other people, you run around after them, and act like a human support animal. You’ve trained other people to expect this, and then you’re annoyed when they behave as though you’re not important, although this in large part is the result of your behaviour. You need to recognise (as you clearly have) that this is no way to make friendships or relationships. When you behave as though you’re important, other people will.

True but its roots are probably in conditioning by parents in childhood not a personal desire to be everyone's support donkey!

You need to become the most important person in your own life. Tight Bill, Droning Deirdre and Lazy Mumsy should be much lower down the priority list.

Absolutely, or as on my own case, my mother being a lifelong people-pleaser who taught all her daughters to never say no, that other people only liked shy girls whose job was to listen to other people’s stuff and scurry around after them. But the OP is the only one who can unpick these childhood scripts. I did. My sisters did. We’re all confident, boundaried adults with good friendships and relationships. The OP has realised what she’s been doing all her life isn’t having the intended effect of making people want to be her friend or partner — this is a good moment to start to implement changes as she starts to look around for new friendships, and start by centring herself and her needs. ‘You can’t meet me half way between our cities? Ok, travelling to you is too far for me. Let’s do it another time when you’re able to get to [Half-way point]’.

💯 this OP.

I think that this is excellent advice, and also that you are never too old to form meaningful relationships.

There is a lot of excellent advice on here but I want to add this if that's OK.

What about you? What about what you want to do and where you want to go, and whether you want to do things for other people, and what you would do with your time if you didn't need to fill it full of things that other people want?

They and you are finding that this approach isn't working for authenticity. Its not working for either side f the equation.

Therefore I prescribe a period of a year where you start to ask, what do I want? With everything. There will come times when people want from you but really you don't want to give, and want to do something else instead. This will strengthen your self love, put your self knowledge and love into action and stop you trying to please other people. It will demonstrate to yourself and others that you matter and have worth. People will then respect that demonstrated worth.

Start with you xxx It is an excellent place to start, and literally watch your relationships with other people improve.

I was an abused child and had all sorts of problems with self esteem mirroring the relationships I formed. The better the self esteem, the better the relationships and this is your time now, to do that homework, to struggle to make those changes, to suffer the awkward feeling of prioritising yourself to people who expect to take from you - to lose those relationships and have none, the then make new ones formed in your new self image xxxx

@BlastedPimples this was such a beautiful post! Can’t you change your nym? I feel ridiculous complimenting blasted pimples when I feel this post deserves a magnificent nym like “moon soaring over all” or “eternal diamond “ or something.

To get to OP’s issue: all of the posts and responses have been so thoughtful and good. It has really made me think about the relationships around me—and even my little joke to blasted pimples. Her nym pleases her! And being able to accept her nym snd respect her advice is the way she likes it. So I retract my joke and simply stand and admire blasted pimples, warts and all.

And in a way that is what everyone is saying: love yourself warts and all. Be a person who can’t/won’t do everything in a relationship.
What everyone is saying, in different ways, is that when we value ourselves and our goals highly we will end up discouraging the selfish people in our lives. And encouraging those who truly admire us and wish reciprocity with us.

I get this OP as I've always had this feeling too all my life. Never felt important to anyone. I'm late 40s never had a birthday party, received a valentines card (even though I was in a LTR off over 20 years). Nobody ever texts or phones me even though I know loads of people and I'm very sociable. Always me reaching out to other people never the other way round.
I'm actually worrying now about my old age as people's social circle tends to shrink. I'm worried il become that lonely old woman isolated that nobody checks in on. I just don't matter to anyone.