Why don't I ever matter much to anyone?

[jubs15]

Throughout my life I don't seem to have mattered to those I have any kind of relationship with. The common denominator is obviously me, but I now feel I'm not worth much and I don't know how I can get out of the mindset. Some examples:

• I only see my friend if I travel to her. She's never travelled anywhere to meet me and although I spend hours listening to her woes, providing empathy and advice, she just stares at me as if I'm speaking a foreign language if I talk about something important to me. Another friend only wants to see me if he doesn't have to pay for anything. The other friend ditched me the second she moved away.

• Similar with partners current and previous. I have to do all the travelling and arranging, I put in way more effort into everything than they do, they are never bothered about other men being a potential threat. At least three relationships have ended because of suspected or confirmed cheating by them.

• With my mother, either I make a 120-mile round trip or I would never see her. I take her out every year for her birthday; she's never offered to do the same for me, even when I've had nobody in my life. She will ask what I want for Christmas and send the Amazon delivery direct to my house there and then, ie it comes in a cardboard box, weeks before Christmas. It feels like a tick-box exercise.

• Every close friendship I've had over the years has ended when that friend has found someone a new friend or I've served a purpose and they no longer have a need for me.

• I go out of my way to help everyone at work and I do my best for them always. In return, people speak to me however they like, I get no support and nobody says sorry.

If I stand up to my friends, partners, colleagues and family and or tell them that how they treat me is not acceptable, then I would have nobody in my life at all. For some reason I can no longer cry, so people don't get to see how upset they make me. Being with people who don't think I'm important to them is marginally better than being completely alone, but I wish I knew why I am so worthless to so many. It makes me feel like I must be an awful person because nothing I ever say or do or look like is enough.

I just want to say that I hear you and I'm listening

I get those trauma responses too if I feel I'm not being listened to or overlooked. For example, I'm part of a residents' association which has a whatsapp group. Whenever I answer a query, another member will come along and say almost word for word what I've just said, and people will thank him but not me. It happens so frequently that it's got to the point where it's laughable, and fortunately I'm able to laugh about it among friends.

Phase people in slowly. Don't do all the running. If you suggest coffee and they don't reciprocate then don't progress that relationship. If you go out and they spend the whole time talking about themselves and don't ask after you, don't progress the relationship. Good relationships are give and take.

Exactly. And I think in the early stages of friendships and relationships in particular, it's also best not to offer too much of yourself in terms of support or being overly helpful. It weeds out the people who are only interested in what you can offer them because they will quickly lose interest, whereas people who are actually interested in getting to know you for you will stick around.

@Jayhee

Yes! Even on something like a random WhatsApp group where you barely know people it happens!

I swing between laughing about things like that and getting grumpy to completely not bothering. Sandra at number 23 messages the same thing and five people comment. I've no idea how that works and wonder if it's some unseen energy or something.

The funny and lovely thing about this thread is that there is some advice on this thread and you're not alone. We've all heard you.

Yes! This happens to me too. I suggest something, people ignore me or rubbish it, then someone else basically nicks my idea and suddenly everyone thinks it's fantastic - very infuriating.

You're a people pleaser and you need to stop being one. I used to be one. It is ingrained in childhood and you have to actively decide to stop, especially with parents who expect it.

It's very counter-intuitive, but you have to realise that being a people-pleaser pleases no one. Other people feel uncomfortable around you because you always go the extra mile which they know they won't or can't and then they feel guilty and - weirdly - resentful as you incite this guilt in them, even while you are running yourself ragged to meet their bottomless pit of needs and demands.

The first thing you need to do is to treat yourself as you treat other people. With great kindness and compassion. Go the extra mile for yourself and no one else (except any DC you have!) for two weeks. Just to get into the habit of checking in with yourself. Are you tired? Don't agree to help a friend out tonight. Have you wanted to be able to afford something for months but all your money seems to be spent travelling around to visit and treat other people? Go nowhere for a month unless you seriously want to, and buy three things you have always wanted instead of spending money on others all the time.

The next bit is hard but really worthwhile. Stop chasing people. Many of them will fall out of your life permanently. They weren't friends. They were needy, but they also met your neurotic need to people please so you don't need to judge them or yourself. It just wasn't a healthy balanced relationship. With family it's harder, but just do some research about boundaries. My advice is to start putting them up gently, imperceptibly so you don't get an avalanche of fury. For example stop offering to do anything. When asked if you can visit/help out, genuinely check your diary - if you can't, don't move heaven and earth to say you can (e.g. don't book a valuable day off work to be dogsbody to a parent who could cope without you.) If they say they never see you, brightly suggest they visit sometime soon as they haven't come to you in ages. If you always pay for everything, try going out without your purse a few times, so they have to pick up the tab.

For a year or so you might be really lonely. Then something weird happens. People (not necessarily the same ones) start chasing you - inviting you to socialise with them. Start going - meeting these new friends as equals. Don't people please. Don't come over as needy or dependent on their company. You'll have a happy balanced social life from then on. But you really do need to learn how not to be a people pleaser first.

Look up self compassion, setting boundaries and people pleasers on line.

Ahhh okay, I live in Lancashire, if you want to pm me I don’t mind chatting… I’ve not got many friends myself. :)

I think women of our age are disproportionately likely to feel this way OP. So many of us brought up to believe our worth lay in the service we provided for others and that it was more important to please others than ourselves. Unfortunately if you're unlucky you meet people who take advantage and don't reciprocate, and you end up where you are. There really is only one way out, and that's to find your selfishness. Start standing up for yourself and learning to say no. I get that you fear that will alienate people altogether, but if they don't respect or care for you without the service you provide, they're no great loss. Then start to rebuild. Seek new connections and go into them with an attitude of self respect. There's a lot of truth in that you get what you settle for, so you need to start expecting more for yourself.

This is very helpful.

Can you recommend any websites or books?

Women Who Love Too Much covers quite a bit of this.

Some great advice here OP. I am very similar to you and agree with the advice you’ve been given. Especially to match the interest of the other person. If they aren’t making the effort, don’t make more effort than them. Value and respect yourself and your own time and energy.

Ah OP, just another data point, but want to let you know you are not alone, and there is nothing whatsoever 'wrong' with you. This can just happen, and can be difficult to parse initially, once you become conscious of it.

I think it can occur in clusters. The only real solution is to take your time and slowly unhook yourself from them.

I am about to leave an unhappy LTR, and have also had to distance my sister and closest friend. All unrelated, but similarly not good for me. I prioritised them and their feelings for many, many years, but only began to take a close look at the dynamics more recently.

My sister is my only surviving relative now, it was important to me that we had a good connection, but over the space of 5 years she wore me down with her anxiety and resting most of her problems on to me. I communicated clearly and respectfully, but no joy.
At the same time I also realised that my close friend was perpetually keeping me at arms length. I was always on the outside looking in, and came to understand that she was very controlling and did not wish me well. It was very, very difficult, initially, to accept that the three closest people to me were not my friend.

I did manage to create distance without drama and now only do birthdays and xmas. There has been no conflict, but I can definitely sense the close friend is unhappy to see that I have 'woken up', and has sent me a few rather cold and pushy emails. I have ignored them, but sent a birthday card with lots of love and best wishes. This is my preferred way to deal with it and get on with rebuilding my life.

I does and can happen in such clusters. Since we have had our confidence or our spirit worn down by a significant other (in my case my DP), it can have the effect of drawing other people towards us who feed on that energy and are attracted to our passivity and openness. Becoming more focused and self aware, I have noticed that they tend to back off, as they do not like the version of us that grows, evolves and has courage.

A restart is preferable to this perpetual self questioning which puts you in the role of a victim. I would recommend casting this off and selfishly rediscovering what YOU want from your relationships, setting fair but firm boundaries, and putting yourself into new hobbies and interests.

Oddly, once I had loosened their hold on me, my anxieties and self criticisms ceased almost over night. Sometimes what we think might be a problem with our own mind turns out to be as simple as gross incompatibility.

Narcs, energy drainers and control freaks can sniff low self confidence a mile off. Like my sister, they almost NEVER gravitate to secure, happy people. My sister collects damaged people who depend on her, from her clients in a caring career, to her remaining friends, who are fast running for the hills.

I feel very similar.

Some very helpful advice here.

I think I am so very scared of having no one that I accept poor behaviour from anyone and everyone in my desperate attempt at connections.

LTR is abusive. Not just with him but all his family too. Very easy to be a victim and say "why me?". It's not fair.

We need to learn to put ourselves first. I've just started having counselling to help with this.

Hey, it can get so bad that you might actually dream and pine to be alone and starting afresh, rather than struggle on in an atmosphere of abject misery and alienation.
I personally found myself excited to make the changes, however slowly.

I noticed that when I went away, alone, on a short break, I would make friends easily and really enjoyed myself. On a long break last year I even signed up for some voluntary work at a local jetty. I felt valued for the first time in a long while, even though these new people were practically strangers.

The comparison to the misery at home in my personal group was astonishing.

Another thought (hope no one minds me piping up here!)

To the PP who said they were afraid of finding themselves alone, I think it is better to reframe this as having discovered that the people you are with are NOT your tribe.
I have wasted a long time and too many years with the wrong tribe. Setting out to make a new start, much in the way a young person would for the first time, is liberating, if you can rustle up the courage. Our culture insists that having to start anew at middle age is a symptom of 'failure', but this is absolutely untrue.

This attitude keeps many people from flying free or growing/evolving as nature would intend. We are not supposed to retire our hopes and dreams as we grow older. I would say we ought to take them more seriously.

On my last birthday, my 50th no less, I was in a cafe with my DP, his sister and her friends. They are all a good bit older than I, but we meet quite often. After about an hour my DP mentioned my birthday and his sister just said 'Oh, right', then changed the subject. Not one of them wished me a happy birthday or even best wishes. They are seemingly nice people and don't treat me badly, but oh lord what a miserable way to live.

It took me a long time to begin detaching and rebuilding my sense of self. Sometimes you really are just with the wrong tribe and need to reboot. it doesn't even matter who is at fault, it can grow to such an issue that we need to focus only on our own wellbeing, whilst remaining respectful, of course.

The response "oh right" is one I get all the time from my partner and my mother. I could literally tell them anything and get that response!

I literally couldn't be that dismissive if I tried!

Such a great thread! I wish it were a book I could give to people who share this problem!