I don't fancy DH

[baffledcats]

I've been feeling so confused for a good while now and could do with hearing some others' thoughts.

I have been with DH for 15 years, we got together when we were 20. We've been married for 7 years and have two primary age DDs.

Me and DH get on well, and he is a good man who pulls his weight around the house and is a brilliant father. The problem is that I just don't feel attracted to him anymore. I don't want to kiss or touch him or have sex. The latter is becoming a real problem, as I think he can sense that I don't want to do it with him. We do still have sex but I don't enjoy it and every time I do it feels like I'm going against all my instincts. I see this term being thrown around all the time, but it's really like I have the 'ick'.

I've probably felt like this for a good couple of years. I know marriages are hard when you have young children, but surely I should still fancy the man I am married to? We get days off together and go for nights out, so it's not as if it's a lack of couple time that's the problem. I just feel like I'm living with my best friend.

My question is - has anyone in a long relationship felt like this before for a good chunk of time, and got the attraction back? It's so depressing to think of spending the rest of my life feeling like this, but equally as depressing thinking of splitting up our family when we get on so well as a unit.

I don't know what to do 😢

I meant to add - DH keeps himself fit and takes care of himself. It's not like he's let himself go. I fancied him when we first got together, and I don't understand why that's changed for me but it has.

What has given you the ick? If you could pinpoint that then maybe you could rebuild your attraction?

I used to be in a relationship where I didn't fancy the guy but he was lovely so I was trying to force it to work by thinking he would grow on me and I could "fake it till you make it" but it just made me feel worse and worse. Eventually I ended up crying and retching in the bathroom after having sex with him and I knew I had to end the relationship regardless of how nice he was. I think I ended it the following day.

After we broke up he was very angry at me and actually turned out to be not as nice as I thought but hey ho.

@TheBeesKnee thank you for responding. This is how I'm feeling at the moment. I'm really trying but because I'm faking it it's making me feel worse.

I don't really know what's given me the 'ick'. I think being intimate with him when I don't want to be hasn't helped. But if I stop, he'll know for sure that something is wrong and I don't know what I would say to him. It's horrible 😞

I think for your own mental health and wellbeing you have to stop putting yourself through that. So what if he doesn't get sex? He's an adult, he will live. You could tell him that you're not feeling like having sex at the moment and to please not initiate anything until you do to give you space. If he pushes you for an answer you could say you're not sure what's wrong but you're not in the mood and you need time to work through your feelings.

Sorry to hear how you are feeling OP. This is an awful situation for you to be in. How is your sex drive when alone? Are you off sex or just off your DH? I think you have to be honest with him, but that could have really big repercussions as it will affect his self esteem and how he is with you. But it is wrong that you are having sex purely to please him when it is such an unpleasant experience for him.
I think you may need to consider counselling together. Perhaps an open relationship could be the way forward?

Thank you @TheBeesKnee, I think what you've suggested sounds sensible. I can't put myself through it for much longer whilst I'm feeling this way, as it's making the problem much worse. I just know he will keep asking what the issue is and why I don't want to do it, and he'll get the hump.

@GarrynotsoGorilla my sex drive is fine I feel, I am attracted to other men, just not my DH at this moment in time. I don't know if counselling can bring physical attraction back? But it might be worth a try. An open relationship wouldn't be for me but I appreciate it could work for other people.

@baffledcats I can't say if it would or not, but at least it would help you understand why maybe? And help you both move on? Would no sex be a deal breaker for both of you?

@GarrynotsoGorilla It would definitely be a deal breaker for him. Me maybe not so much, although my sex drive is still there so it would be a sad existence to have years without it. I feel so sad about it all. I wish I could just flick a switch and fancy him again.

It would be good to hear from anyone else who is or has ever been in this situation and what the outcome was?

I think this is really, really common.

I have certainly felt this way at various times in my relationship with dp, particularly so post kids.
I haven’t read it yet but am planning to to read Mating in Captivity by Esther Perel. I’ve heard a couple of her podcasts and what she says always makes a lot of sense.

It seems a shame to throw an otherwise good relationship away.

I'm pretty sure attraction comes and goes. Perhaps don't read too much into it 🙂

Do you think it might be because your everyday life is so tied up with him, so he's become a source of stress, rather than fun/romance/lust?

I've experienced this with my DH at times, especially when he's going on about money, paying bills, house maintenance, we (aka you!) need to do XYZ. Spending time with him is no longer fun and I stop seeing him romantically. I'd rather hang out with friends!

I've said to him that we need to try and spend time together when we're not talking about life admin and actually having fun as we do with our friends.

I do believe in a long relationship you will have dry spells. It's inevitable but it's how you deal with it that matters.

I am feeling a bit like this at the moment but I know it will pass. I am feeling low and stressed (work is ultra busy, the weather is cold, I've been unwell on and off since June with various viruses)

DH is annoying me a bit and making me ick with keep trying to flirt with me and touch me up.

But it WILL pass. I believe in that and I want it too. I'm not throwing away my 12 year marriage over the occasional dry spell and ick/annoyance.

I’d say it’s the monotony of everyday life !
it’s quiet normal especially with small children !!!! They cud barge in ect it’s not very relaxing !
I Wouldn’t give up thou maybe have an honest conversation with your DH and figure out ways together to get the spark back !
like u say he is great in every other aspect of your life and also imagine if he felt like that towards you ? It’s not his fault x

A friend is now divorced because they no longer wanted sex with their husband. They thought their husband would just put up with it, but that wasn't the case. They are now in financial difficulty, and they share their children on a 50/50 basis.

You have to be honest with him OP. My DH hasn't had sex with me since 2013, no other intimacy either, no kisses, no hugs, he won't tell me why, claims there's no reason, but it's awful and I'm planning how I can leave him when the kids are older. It's awful living in a marriage with someone who clearly doesn't desire you and I feel I've wasted the best years of my life because he can't be honest with me.

Posters who are basically saying your DH should just go without sex are being totally unrealistic and actually unfair to him. When you're married sex is a reasonable part of the deal (unless previously brokered). If a partner isn't getting it at home they will inevitably try looking elsewhere. I know he will get the hump if you tell him but you really can't go on like this for both your sakes. Sit him down when the kids are out and you're not in the bedroom and explain your feelings. There's no need to be brutal especially as he is otherwise a good man. It's better to talk about it in a calm environment than it all coming to an ugly head, which it eventually will.

Sorry but I think if a man came on here saying he wasn't attracted to his wife anymore, everyone would be saying he should let the poor woman know, so she could decide what to do. I doubt anyone would be saying that's life!

I think you should be honest and tell him how you feel. I would want to know if someone felt they were "going against their instincts" whilst sleeping with me. I'd much rather have the heads up, rather than my partner feeling repulsed by me. I think it's cruel to internalise these feelings against your DH.

I agree with PPs saying that you need to delve into why you're feeling this way and work on improving the situation, as it's not good for either of you atm. Perhaps talking to a counselor might help?

@WhenWillItAllGetBetter I have just downloaded this book onto my Kindle, I've seen it recommended lots of times. I hope it helps you, and me too 😊

@BruFord the thing is we do spend at least one day together just us every fortnight, and we do something fun, and we have a laugh, but for me it feels like we're just two best friends having a day out together. I struggle to feel romantically about him no matter how much time we spend together.

@CaptainCabinetsTrappedInCabinets I'm sorry you feel like this sometimes too. I get that most people probably go through phrases like this. Two years or however long it's been for me is starting to feel more permanent though and I'm worried it's not coming back.

I really appreciate everyone's advice and thoughts - thank you.

@Parky04 I would never expect him to go without sex, hence why I've still been having doing it even though I don't really want to. I don't want to hurt him by being truthful, but I realise I'm also being hurtful by pretending I fancy him when I don't. As you say though, the grass isn't greener on the other side. If we split up I would struggle financially and I'd find it very hard not seeing our kids every day. Whatever decision is made here is horrible.

@baffledcats Hmm. Does he generally make your life more stressful though? I'm just wondering, as that's been the biggest passion killer at various times in my 20-plus year marriage.

How was your sex life when you first got together? When did the change happen and what else was going on in your life at the time?

You have to tell him. It's not kind not to; it's cruel. If there's a way forward for you as a couple, it's in honesty and working together, not faking it and secrets.

If it was reversed - what what you want him to do? Would it be fair if he said he's gone off sex and not to ask anymore and give him space with no explanation as to why (as advised by a pp)? Personally I wouldn't find that acceptable. The right thing to do is to be honest and tell him how you are feeling. You never know - when he gets pissed at you and threatens to leave you might start fancying him again.

Yes definitely has happened at various points over 32 years of marriage. To me (and others will disagree) it’s sorting out the balance between not having sex you don’t want, and sex being a reasonable expectation when you’re married. DH never wanted me to have sex I didn’t want but I also felt it was a reasonable expectation of his to want it so we definitely went through patches when if it was just down to me we wouldn’t have had sex, but we did because a) I still loved him and wanted him to know that and b) I was pretty sure it was temporary. I also know I have a tendency to overthink things and know I’ve made this a bigger thing than it is in the past. I think it’s pretty normal actually. I also want to add that we’ve had a very loving, secure relationship over the decades and I’ve made the decisions I have within that context. I’ve always known that DH loves me very much and really wants me to be happy. I can imagine that different decisions might be made if the context of the relationship is different.

I think various factors played into the ‘ick’ feeling….hormonal contraception definitely did, both being very busy which led to a temporary lack of connection, being touched out from looking after little ones all day and the biggest one was my self confidence being low due to career break and feeling like ‘just a mum’. Looking back it was all more about me and external factors affecting me than objectively about him. That’s probably worth thinking about…

So are things different now….gosh yes! Fancy him like mad and take every opportunity to get his clothes off!! I’m so glad I didn’t press the nuclear button years ago because I’d have missed out on so much. All LTRs go through ups and downs, dry spells and hot spots. Nothing is ever perfect and I think it’s unrealistic to expect 30 or 40 years spent with another flawed human not to have patches where you feel a bit indifferent to one thing or another. Maybe work on building your closeness outside of the bedroom for now, take the pressure off yourself to feel a certain way and the rest will probably follow.

I agree. You could always say if is hormonal or due to perimenopause (if your age or s anywhere close). I think it will get worse otherwise