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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't fancy DH

44 replies

baffledcats · 18/10/2024 14:56

I've been feeling so confused for a good while now and could do with hearing some others' thoughts.

I have been with DH for 15 years, we got together when we were 20. We've been married for 7 years and have two primary age DDs.

Me and DH get on well, and he is a good man who pulls his weight around the house and is a brilliant father. The problem is that I just don't feel attracted to him anymore. I don't want to kiss or touch him or have sex. The latter is becoming a real problem, as I think he can sense that I don't want to do it with him. We do still have sex but I don't enjoy it and every time I do it feels like I'm going against all my instincts. I see this term being thrown around all the time, but it's really like I have the 'ick'.

I've probably felt like this for a good couple of years. I know marriages are hard when you have young children, but surely I should still fancy the man I am married to? We get days off together and go for nights out, so it's not as if it's a lack of couple time that's the problem. I just feel like I'm living with my best friend.

My question is - has anyone in a long relationship felt like this before for a good chunk of time, and got the attraction back? It's so depressing to think of spending the rest of my life feeling like this, but equally as depressing thinking of splitting up our family when we get on so well as a unit.

I don't know what to do 😢

OP posts:

Probablyshouldntsay · 18/10/2024 17:46

This has happened to me too OP. If I’m plainly honest it’s because the guy I was with was actually not very good at sex.
is he actually any good OP? Do you get to orgasm?

Original poster

baffledcats · 18/10/2024 17:54

@Probablyshouldntsay He's not bad at sex, but no, he very rarely makes me orgasm. This has always been the case. I've tried telling and showing him what works and what doesn't but I think I've given up trying now. He's not selfish and does want me to have a good time but I just can't seem to get there with him. I used to orgasm all the time with my ex before him.

OP posts:

Original poster

baffledcats · 18/10/2024 17:55

@CountryGirlInTheCity This is really promising to know. Thank you so much for responding.

OP posts:

WizardOfAus · 18/10/2024 17:56

CountryGirlInTheCity · 18/10/2024 17:41

Yes definitely has happened at various points over 32 years of marriage. To me (and others will disagree) it’s sorting out the balance between not having sex you don’t want, and sex being a reasonable expectation when you’re married. DH never wanted me to have sex I didn’t want but I also felt it was a reasonable expectation of his to want it so we definitely went through patches when if it was just down to me we wouldn’t have had sex, but we did because a) I still loved him and wanted him to know that and b) I was pretty sure it was temporary. I also know I have a tendency to overthink things and know I’ve made this a bigger thing than it is in the past. I think it’s pretty normal actually. I also want to add that we’ve had a very loving, secure relationship over the decades and I’ve made the decisions I have within that context. I’ve always known that DH loves me very much and really wants me to be happy. I can imagine that different decisions might be made if the context of the relationship is different.

I think various factors played into the ‘ick’ feeling….hormonal contraception definitely did, both being very busy which led to a temporary lack of connection, being touched out from looking after little ones all day and the biggest one was my self confidence being low due to career break and feeling like ‘just a mum’. Looking back it was all more about me and external factors affecting me than objectively about him. That’s probably worth thinking about…

So are things different now….gosh yes! Fancy him like mad and take every opportunity to get his clothes off!! I’m so glad I didn’t press the nuclear button years ago because I’d have missed out on so much. All LTRs go through ups and downs, dry spells and hot spots. Nothing is ever perfect and I think it’s unrealistic to expect 30 or 40 years spent with another flawed human not to have patches where you feel a bit indifferent to one thing or another. Maybe work on building your closeness outside of the bedroom for now, take the pressure off yourself to feel a certain way and the rest will probably follow.

Sage and sound advice.

WizardOfAus · 18/10/2024 17:58

baffledcats · 18/10/2024 17:54

Herein lies your problem.

Tubs11 · 18/10/2024 18:10

How long is a good while? Was it gradual or something you felt instantly?
Could you talk to him about it?

Crushed23 · 18/10/2024 18:11

baffledcats · 18/10/2024 17:54

I'm not surprised you don't want to have sex with him.

To quote Samantha Jones, the idea that sex with no orgasm is still good sex is "a crock of shit".

VivianLea · 18/10/2024 18:21

I'm in a very similar position. I do think them being bad in bed contributes to it, as you know that even if you force yourself to have sex you won't get anything for your efforts.

Would you be happy with an open relationship? Would he consider it?

DreadPirateRobots · 18/10/2024 18:28

It's not shocking that the sex not being good makes you not want sex.

Why don't you get there with him? Does he not actually persist enough? Or listen?

MumblesParty · 18/10/2024 18:37

WizardOfAus · 18/10/2024 17:58

Herein lies your problem.

Show quote history

Exactly. Sex without an orgasm is OK if it’s just now and then, but not if it’s almost every time. That would definitely stop me fancying someone.

maclen · 18/10/2024 18:44

BruFord · 18/10/2024 16:52

Do you think it might be because your everyday life is so tied up with him, so he's become a source of stress, rather than fun/romance/lust?

I've experienced this with my DH at times, especially when he's going on about money, paying bills, house maintenance, we (aka you!) need to do XYZ. Spending time with him is no longer fun and I stop seeing him romantically. I'd rather hang out with friends!

I've said to him that we need to try and spend time together when we're not talking about life admin and actually having fun as we do with our friends.

This... I find this and I actually romanticise about going back to dating him. But obvs we can't do that as we live together and have kids but yeah it's hard to keep that spark during the dull drums of life

OuterSpaceCadet · 18/10/2024 18:54

Ahhh shit I was just about to mention that hormonal contraception and antidepressants are really well known for killing libido, aside from small kids leaving you feeling touched out.

But sex without orgasm I wouldn't really call sex! Not if it was all that happened. Is he not perplexed about this state of affairs?

lemonstolemonade · 18/10/2024 19:00

Do you have non sexual intimate time? Do you cuddle, kiss, curl up to watch something? How does that feel? Is it the sex that gives you the ick, or is it present at a lower level too?

Probablyshouldntsay · 18/10/2024 19:07

I thought as much OP. In hindsight I wish I’d have put some more effort into making sure I had a good time, corrected him etc because he was a good man.
its something to work on at least; asking for what you want, introduce toys to get you there, tell him to slow down etc etc?

Jessie1259 · 18/10/2024 19:18

Not good enough OP, how long would he carry on having sex for if he never orgasmed from it? Have you suggested using toys to help? It might also be in your head that you 'don't orgasm' with him, so it's become a self fulfilling prophecy - alternatively of course he might just not be putting in enough effort. You need to try something new to make things good for you too, and he needs to listen and learn and put the effort in to making it work.

Does he know you never orgasm?

Original poster

baffledcats · 18/10/2024 19:30

@lemonstolemonade No, we don't really have any non-sexual intimate time, but that's my doing as I don't want to kiss or cuddle or touch him. He tries but I push him away because I just don't want to. I'm not sure why that is. I used to want to.

I think it's a bit of a vicious circle at the moment, and probably has been for a couple of years whilst I've felt like this. I don't want to have sex with him, so I'm willing it to be over. I'm not in the mindset of wanting to tell him what I like or what he can do to make me orgasm.

I just don't look at him anymore in that way. It's hard to think about what we can do to make the sex better when I don't want to have sex with him in the first place.

OP posts:

MissConductUS · 18/10/2024 19:32

Since you're open to reading up on the issue, which is quite common at this stage of your marriage, I'd also recommend Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love by Helen Fisher. The whole book is insightful, and she has a chapter on making romance last.

TrishM80 · 18/10/2024 19:37

She obviously doesn't orgasm because she's not sexually attracted to him in the first place and has sex with him out of duty.

Lycralout1 · 18/10/2024 19:54

Can I just say. You can read all the self help and couples help books you like, but if you’re not into him it’s pointless.
You have two options, leave and find someone you find attractive or stay, be miserable and eventually have some kind of extra marital relationship. Sorry for the honesty xx

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