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Original poster

Rude to buy people clothes for Christmas?

31 replies

Happiestwhen · 18/10/2024 09:51

My dm always buys people clothes/pjs/dressing gowns for Christmas. She guesses sizes, doesn't ask. Last year I had recently given birth and she bought me everything in Large and 14-16. I would have been medium really. Also she would previously buy my aunts sizes XL every year. Eventually they told her they won't be buying any gifts anymore for Christmas, they didn't give a reason but I assume they were insulted by her buying them enormous sizes. Do you think it's rude to buy people items of clothing without asking their size? It makes me feel very self conscious with her being so flippant about it. Makes me feel like she's looking at my body and judging my weight. Tbh it's hurtful. Anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
Ilovepotato · 18/10/2024 10:00

I would a bit internally miffed if someone bought me multiple sizes bigger than I am but I would also reason with myself that they are probably just erring on the side of (extreme) caution 😅

I always ask for the receipt (tbf anytime I’ve had clothes as a gift it’s been included)so maybe so this for all future gifts and if she asks why say the sizing is all wrong! Xx

RevelryMum · 18/10/2024 10:03

I don't know about rude but there is nothing I hate more than anyone buying me clothes it's so personal and they buy what they like which I never like it's a waste of there money . I have one relative that always without fail will buy me clothes never worn any of them . Would really rather they donate the money to an animal charity or something

Zebrashavestripes · 18/10/2024 10:12

No it's not rude to give someone clothes for Christmas without asking what size they are. But it's a bit pointless if you don't include a receipt so that the recipient can exchange for the right size.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/10/2024 10:14

What was it like for you growing up with your mother?. My guess is that she cannot do relationships at all.

Narcissists are truly crap gift givers. They give gifts with an eye to maintaining a relationship with the giver and to maintaining control in that relationship. This is far far more than she just being rude here. She does not care because she has a fixed idea in her head of what you should be wearing.

Narcissists totally lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday/Christmas; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or in really choice instances return to you something that was yours in the first place.

Kerkyra2024 · 18/10/2024 10:16

I like getting clothes for Christmas/birthdays but then that's me personally

ComingBackHome · 18/10/2024 10:17

I wouldnt find it rude no.
Mindless because the present is much less likely to be a good choice for people but not rude.

Tbh the ‘guessing the size’ is a minefield. Very hard to do. Not always welcome if you ask for the size directly (see people uncomfortable with what they see as a ‘big’ size).

But surely this could be easily solved by saying ‘oh, it’s a size too big/too small. What a shame! I usually take a size M’ so that next time the person knows - and you might be able to exchange too.

Ineedanewsofa · 18/10/2024 10:19

DH would be in rags if people didn’t get him clothes for xmas 🤣 but they always ask his size etc and include receipts to exchange just in case.
I have an aunt that buys scarves for everyone every year - totally pointless but at least no chance of getting the wrong size!

Oneearringlost · 18/10/2024 10:26

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/10/2024 10:14

What was it like for you growing up with your mother?. My guess is that she cannot do relationships at all.

Narcissists are truly crap gift givers. They give gifts with an eye to maintaining a relationship with the giver and to maintaining control in that relationship. This is far far more than she just being rude here. She does not care because she has a fixed idea in her head of what you should be wearing.

Narcissists totally lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday/Christmas; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or in really choice instances return to you something that was yours in the first place.

Where in the OP has she intimated that her mother is a narcissist?
Misguided, possibly, even not a great present-giver, but it's a leap to presume she is a narcissist, isn't it?

Original poster
Happiestwhen · 18/10/2024 10:27

I actually think she would be insulted if I asked her for gift receipts! I would definitely prefer for her money to go to charity. Perhaps I will tell her this year that we have too much and to donate to charity instead. I normally end up wearing them once so she sees and then they go in the charity bag anyway. Seems to go over her head that they are too big! She has these ideas in her head of what people will like but they're rarely right. And even if they were they are far too big 😅 I agree that clothing is personal, I would never buy anyone clothes. Much better to give vouchers so they can buy what they like. I definitely don't think she's narcissistic, she was always loving and generous growing up. It's just this one thing that she seems oblivious to.

OP posts:
Sharontheodopolodous · 18/10/2024 10:31

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/10/2024 10:14

What was it like for you growing up with your mother?. My guess is that she cannot do relationships at all.

Narcissists are truly crap gift givers. They give gifts with an eye to maintaining a relationship with the giver and to maintaining control in that relationship. This is far far more than she just being rude here. She does not care because she has a fixed idea in her head of what you should be wearing.

Narcissists totally lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday/Christmas; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or in really choice instances return to you something that was yours in the first place.

You've just described every single present I've ever had from my mother
What I wanted/was into as a child was ignored and I got what she felt I should get
I got older,she has been known to buy knock offs of stuff I didn't even think about,utter crap or stuff she didn't want anymore
More than once,I got stuff back that I'd given her (one being a cross stitch that I'd worked on for almost 9 months)
I gave her it in the June for her birthday and got it back for Christmas
Oddly,she always got it right with my brothers-they got thoughtful gifts that where tailored to them

goingtotown · 18/10/2024 10:36

I wouldn't want clothes bought for me.

Daschund · 18/10/2024 10:36

No, unless specifically asked. My beloved MIL would even buy me knickers, the sort that reach your neck. That was bad enough but I'm a size 4-6, she'd buy ar least a 16, sometimes larger. Coincidentally, the worst were given when she knew I'd be opening them in front of an audience.
She stopped when I started holding them up and showing everyone, rather than trying to hide the gift. She thought everyone would laugh at me. When they laughed at her, saying things like, "Did you accidentally swap them gor yours?" She started crying. She always does when she gets caught being the bitch she's always been.
I could write a book on PA gift giving from her alone over the last thirty years including wrinkle cream for my 40th, oven cleaner (the one in the orange box, her crap pottery (she factored in her expensive lessons) so an ugly useless ashtray was a £100 gift, because she's soooo generous. Can you tell I'm bitter? I no longer accept any gifts from her.

TwistedWonder · 18/10/2024 10:38

I would absolutely hate anyone buying clothes for me other than indoor stuff like pyjamas.

I have a slightly quirky style and I think it’s almost impossible for anyone else to know my taste so anyone buying me clothes would be wasting their money

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 18/10/2024 10:42

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/10/2024 10:14

What was it like for you growing up with your mother?. My guess is that she cannot do relationships at all.

Narcissists are truly crap gift givers. They give gifts with an eye to maintaining a relationship with the giver and to maintaining control in that relationship. This is far far more than she just being rude here. She does not care because she has a fixed idea in her head of what you should be wearing.

Narcissists totally lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday/Christmas; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or in really choice instances return to you something that was yours in the first place.

I feel there are some stories here, especially about the giving you what was already yours!

I saw SIL in a new light after I got a tin of tea for Christmas one year. Not only was it several years(!) out of date, but I had previously seen it at the back of MIL's larder.

Original poster
Happiestwhen · 18/10/2024 10:56

Omg daschund that's brilliant. Well done on embarrassing her. Sounds as if she was jealous of your figure and hoped you'd eventually need that size.
Pocketfullofdogtreats, that's insane. Out of date tea, how thoughtful of her, eh?

OP posts:
TabbyM · 18/10/2024 11:03

I have one friend with excellent taste who usually buys nice things I wouldn't have thought of (sadly out the country now). I feel family should either know or at least ask sizes but I hope people include gift receipts just in case.

stealthsquirrelnutkin · 18/10/2024 11:55

My mum sent me a hand knitted jumper for Christmas after I had moved to Scandinavia. She'd obviously spent ages knitting it lovingly to keep me warm through the cold winters.

The only problem was that it was ridiculously wide so that I could have invited 2 friends to join me in it, and the arms were so long they overhung my hands by at least a foot. I remember being amused, offended and baffled by it. For ages afterwards I wondered about the mental picture she carried of me to think she'd knitted it to fit. Not for a 5' 5" tall size 12 daughter, but for some kind of barrel chested orangutan.

KnopkaPixie · 18/10/2024 13:41

The best example of clothing crapgifting I've ever received is a black see through net top/blouse thing in the post from one of my female relatives. It had been worn, it was dirty and it smelled kind of perfumey/sweaty.

It came with a scrappy note saying "DH says this is too tarty for me but we thought it might do for you in your job."

It went straight in the bin.

JC03745 · 18/10/2024 13:57

Some of these a brilliant- @Daschund @KnopkaPixie 😆

I would find it rude for someone to ask my size TBH. I don't want others to buy me clothes at all! One Christmas MIL got me an acrylic, knitted, purple and white striped hat and matching scarf she'd bought from a charity stall. Really chunky knitting and looked like a football supporters outfit. I also can't stand purple!

She used to run a business, and would get free, clothes, duffle bags with the company logo on them. 1 year- that was DH's gift- the free tat from her shop. DH wears natural fibres, because he sweats otherwise. 1 year she gave him a plastic/pleather primark biker type jacket and polyester balaclava. Everyone in the room burst out laughing, joking about a side line as a burglar etc. Funnily- she never bought us clothes again.

Rude to buy people clothes for Christmas?
paradisecircus · 18/10/2024 13:59

Yeah I think it's weird to buy clothes for people if you're not sure of the size. Waste of money, and risks offence. Either ask them what they want & their size or buy a voucher.

Baguettesandcheeseforever · 18/10/2024 14:02

AttilaTheMeerkat · 18/10/2024 10:14

What was it like for you growing up with your mother?. My guess is that she cannot do relationships at all.

Narcissists are truly crap gift givers. They give gifts with an eye to maintaining a relationship with the giver and to maintaining control in that relationship. This is far far more than she just being rude here. She does not care because she has a fixed idea in her head of what you should be wearing.

Narcissists totally lack empathy, so they don't know what you want or like and, evidently, they don't care either; second, they think their opinions are better and more important than anyone else's, so they'll give you what they think you ought to want, regardless of what you may have said when asked what you wanted for your birthday/Christmas; third, they're stingy and will give as gifts stuff that's just lying around their house, such as possessions that they no longer have any use for, or in really choice instances return to you something that was yours in the first place.

Wow that’s a whole lot of mental leaping you’ve done there! How do you know her mum is a narcissist?

largeprintagathachristie · 18/10/2024 14:10

Not sure if relevant, but…
My mother has always been bigger, say size 18 - 20, sometimes more.
Growing up as a really slender young teenager, probably a size 6, she’d say things to me like, “well we all have big hips in this family”, and other nonsense.
It was like she could and can only see her daughters, at least, through a lens that is actually all about her.

Remember my very slim sister at 16 being re-gifted by my mum a pack of extra large full briefs; they came up to her head.

Original poster
Happiestwhen · 18/10/2024 15:05

Gosh I can't believe there are so many out there who do this! I just think buying clothes for others should be out of the question. It's a personal thing and if you have put on or lost weight they will go to waste anyway. It can also make people who feel bad about their weight feel even worse. And embarrassed.

OP posts:
DPotter · 18/10/2024 16:03

My DM would buy me clothes for Christmas - always the wrong size but more importantly so weirdly not my style it became a joke.

For example she once bought me a fake leopard print fur jacket, a plunge V neck line. Would suit someone of min average height, the taller the better. Think Scary Spice. In a size 10. I'm 5ft 1 and at the time, more of a size 14, so never gonna fit.

Another time she bought a bile green blouse - nice style but this colour would have suited no one. Shed said she bought it as she knew I didn't have one of this colour. No Mum, that's because it wouldn't suit me.

Oh and she never would give me the receipt to take things back - she always took them back, saying she would get a better size / different style but never did. So I basically never got a Christmas or birthday present.

As I say it became a joke.

Just tell your Mum, no presents for adults, children only

ForPearlViper · 18/10/2024 16:06

It is, as you say, a deeply personal thing. Having said that I do sometimes buy clothes as presents but only for two people, my Mum and my oldest friend. I do this because I know exactly what their taste is, what bits they don't like to show and what their sizes are. We're all slighly different shapes but I know basically from experience that if it fits me it will fit them. I certainly would never buy them wardrobe basics like pants!

I would not dream of buying anyone else any clothing item other than a scarf or nice socks - and then only if I knew enough about their taste to have a good idea they'd like it.