Who do I please_ 30th bday dilemma!

[cheekymonk]

Hi there,
I am 30 soon and am planning to go back to my home town and celebrate bday with all friends and family. Trouble is, my mum has just had a hysterectomy and feels it is too much dh,ds and I staying at hers, especially after ds and I went up 2 weekends ago and it was a disaster as ds was not happy, having tantrums etc as bored/missing his daddy/his nana was ill etc.
Dh is in navy and away alot at moment so really wants to spend bday with me but My mum/sister and friends would prefer it if it was just me and want me to "lose the baggage" really.
I find this hurtful and want to spend my bday with everyone. I love my dh and ds and feel it is a bit controlling and conditional to push them away. I do however understand that it is alot for my mum, especially after dh suggest she babysit ds- she isn't up to it at all understandably!
My compromise is day off with dh on the friday, have meal etc and nice day just 2 of u then go to mums on sat, go out with friends on sun and get wasted and return on bank holiday monday but am I giving in too easily to everyones demands and dh is not really happy with this option but will look after ds so I can have a nice time. Whose needs to I put first??

Get your DH to treat you to a night in a hotel then he can go too and you wont be imposing on your poorly Mum!

That is an idea except we are not exactly loaded...however will suggest it to dh!!

any more ideas or opinions????

It sounds like you have already found a good compromise. You get a special day with DH and also a girly night out. Please don't feel bad about asking your DH to babysit he's his son too and obviously your Mum really isn't up to it. My DH likes to spread his birthday celebrations over a week so really your DH is getting off quite lightly.

You have to do what you are happy with. I can see why your mum feels like that but it isn't fair to try and push you into something you don't want.
I know what it is like to have a dh away a lot and wanting to wpend time with them when they are here. Are you happy with th compromise you mentioned? If you are then go for it if not find a soloution you are happy with it is your birthday after all.
MinW is right too you shouldn't feel guilty for asking your DH to babysit either. Easy said though I know I do sometimes if I am going to do something when he is home.
Just curious though why is your dh not happy with that solution?

dh wants to spend actual bday with me and feels pushed out by my family and friends. My mum often accuses him of not giving us enough mother daughter time. Trouble is my mum often says no to me or all of us staying with her and she hasn't come down to see us since Jan so he feels she is unfair!

You say you "want to spend my bday with everyone"

Its your bday for goodness sake not theirs!! Is it an option to stay at your sisters instead or a friends house? personally i think the suggestion that you leave your family (ie dh and ds) outrageous, do they generally have issues with your DH and DS?

Again - its your birthday put your needs/wants first, make everyone aware of what you intend to do and if they want to join you to celebrate your bday, great, if not then their loss imo

Ahh I see they do, again personally, i'd be deeply hurt if my mum only wanted to see me and not my dss (nothing to say they have to like partners but kids are different) - reject my kids, reject me

i may be overreacting here as i've had this issue in my family (with a brother not my mum). didn't mind when it was just me but once he involved the kids that was it, i didn't want my sons around someone so selfish and thoughtless, harsh but i think longterm it was the only choice for me

Happy 30th bday by the way 30s are brill!!

It sounds to me like your dh is being selfish, not your mum!!
Your mum is recovering from a major op and he wants her to look after your active toddler so he can go out too!
No wonder she has suggested that you go on your own!

I completely agree that its your birthday and you should celebrate with whoever you want and wherever you want... you just have to take into account that your Mum is too ill to cope with you all staying there and make other arrangements...

I have to disagree with you 2point4kids, the op said her dh is in the navy and away alot, i think its only right and to his credit that he wants to spend as much time as poss with his wife and ds, especially on such a big day as her 30th bday

you're right about the ops mum though, she's had major surgery and has every right to say visitors are too much but it seems that this 'rejection' goes a little deeper...cheekymonk please correct me if i'm wrong

Fair enough he has been away and wants to spend time together, but i still think its selfish that he suggested the op's mum babysit when she has told them she isnt up to even having them visit.
Plus it sounds a bit childish of him to say 'i'm really not happy' about the plan to split the birthday celebrations between both lots of people... its not his birthday!
If he wants t spend your birthday with you then he should book a babysitter and stop complaining about your Mum not bsbysitting when she is too ill to!

My mum is besotted with ds and very fond of dh too but she likes to see us on her terms. It does seem that as ds is growing up and becoming his own person she has more difficulty in dealing with him. There are photos of hom all over the house but not one toy and there is no bed for him to sleep in apart from 2 double beds that I worry he will fall out of (he is 3). The house is immaculate which is part of the issue of us being there. She hates having anyone to stay really.
She just feels the weekend should be a break for me and that I deserve a good night out with friends and some quality time me and her.

My sister has offered for ds to stay at her house but she feels it is easier for me to come up on my own. I have just had long chat with mum and I was shocked at dh asking her to babysit, I feel that is out of the question but yes Pheebe the rejection does go a bit deeper than that. In this instance tho I feel I have to respect my mum's wishes.
I just feel really sad that I will be away from dh and ds on actual birthday...but to me the compromise seems the best solution. The one thing I really want on my bday is a good night out as I never go out with dh being away so much. I rarely see my friends...

There isn't anyone else that can put all 3 of us up for weekend, not the space...b &b only option really if not mums

Thanks littlelapin, yes we live in portsmouth but bday night out is planned in hereford. Very kind of you to offer...

dh is away most weeks at the moment but back at weekends (except this one)

He is in engineering, yes littlelapin you have remembered previous posts! She does want him to leave. I have told her that he is not leaving until Feb 2010. I get confused as she says that it is me she is thinking of as I have little me time, rarely go out, see friends etc and she always babysits for us when we see her but I know she finds it a strain when dh is away as she feels the burden is on her. Dh says she makes him feel very guilty which I don't agree with really. I get stuck in the middle alot with them, dh is quite strict with ds my mum is very soft and critical of dh at times but she does like him, they just don't agree on everything. The stress of trying to please them both can be tremendous

Thank you all for your advice and ideas. Its just one of those things that I could spend all day on and still be none the wiser. Dh just rang and is pissed off with whole thing and angry with my mum. I shall work it out and let you know what happened! Thanks again x

My friends live all over the country and are coming back especially. The sunday night(my bday night) was the only night they could do...its sods law isn't it? With hindsight I wished I had arranged other than my bday weekend to meet with them but I didn't anticipate all the kerfuffle!