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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Step son and causing a rift

72 replies

Kors · 16/10/2024 07:31

So we have recently started living together me and my partner I have 2 kids live here 9 and 17 he has a 17 year old as well. His son doesn’t live with us but stays often, the arguments have started since his son has got a girlfriend there’s a lot of bickering she doesn’t like my daughter and thinks my step son likes her so she has to be here every time he stays, his son is disrespectful he doesn’t ask if she can stay she just turns up expecting tea etc and to stay my step son slags me off calls me lazy and I don’t do anything to my daughter I work cook clean the house and don’t stop he likes to slag everyone off his gf his mum her mum everyone when it suits but expects lifts and teas made I’ve spoken to my partner and he says kids are kids and that his gf can stay and I’m trying to cause trouble by saying she can not stay ? I said a odd night is fine not every single night he comes he’s said he’s going to start looking for somewhere else to live as he doesn’t have a day in things as it’s my house; from where I’m standing it’s me that has no say ? They come in when they want make a mess expesxt me to clean it all up and walk out, I wouldn’t have it from my own 17 year old but I feel I can not say anything to them as he’s not my son and looks like I’m been funny or nasty but for some reason his son is always making things arward giving me and my kids dirty looks asking what his dad has paid for ? I pay all the bills in the house gas electric rent council tax food everything his dad may pay for holidays or meals out but he sees his dad buys everything and tbh my partner sees it the same way I pay for nothing but I pay my bills and anything kids need I can’t afford days out meals holidays as well on top it’s hard enough as it is but no one’s offers to pay towards anything I feel my house has become like a stop gap for ppl to eat and sleep and make a mess and go, it’s me that has no say in anything but the step son and my partner are now the ones hard done by he tells his mum and his gf mum all sorts and try’s to cause trouble yet his dad says he’s a only child and he’s always had everything and been on his own he’s 17 he’s not a baby and what he’s doing is causing trouble his gf does not talk and she try’s to be awkward or makes it arkward the other day I was in the shower my daughter was in too the girlfriend juts walked in my house and was laid on the sofa and said she’s waiting for my step son to come home ? I may be old school but do u not knock on the door or ask if u can come around I don’t get it at all

OP posts:
IkeaMeatballGravy · 16/10/2024 07:36

They are taking the piss out of you OP. Chuck the load of freeloaders out and get your house back. If not for yourself but for your DD, the whole situation sounds so awkward for her.

Doingmybest12 · 16/10/2024 07:41

Doesn't sound much fun OP, your children don't need this aggro in their own home. Your partner should move out and take his family with him.

Sassybooklover · 16/10/2024 07:42

You have a partner issue here. He's not willing to back you up or parent his 17 year old son. If either of these things are not addressed by him, then your relationship is not going to work. If he's unwilling to see that his son is being rude and disrespectful and discipline him for it, how can your relationship go forward? Yes, he's an 'only child', and I understand having to share his Dad's home with the resident children is hard. However, he's 17, not 5, and that is not an excuse for rudeness. Your partner's son has no respect for you. Could he possibly blame you for his parents not being together? How long had you been dating before you started living together? Has he always been this hostile towards you? If the answer to the last question is yes, then moving in together was not a good move. You need a serious conversation with your partner. You are not causing trouble. His son is disrespectful, rude, awkward and so is his gf. If things don't improve, you may need to reconsider living together, as your not his skivvy.

category12 · 16/10/2024 07:43

I'm not sure your partner's son and his girlfriend are the real problem, if you're paying all the household bills.

Sounds like your partner is the main freeloader.

Crowsandbadgers · 16/10/2024 07:44

Kick the money grabbing boyfriend out. These losers always prey on single mothers. Why doesn’t he pay for a roof over his head and his son’s head?

Whats the saying? Nothing as in love as a man in need of a home.

Bettyfromlondon · 16/10/2024 07:44

Your step-son is taking his lead from your cock-lodger of a partner. Get rid of both of them immediately! Today is Wednesday - can you pack their bags while they are out today? I can see no reason to wait a second longer!! Good luck with freeing yourself from this nightmare.

Cocothecoconut · 16/10/2024 07:45

You and your kids don’t need this grief in your/ their lives
chuck em out before it gets too messy

TwistedWonder · 16/10/2024 07:48

So you have a cocklodger partner and a trainee cocklodger SS?

How about your own kids? Why aren’t you putting them first before this freeloading man and his piss taking offspring?

Surely you discuss these things before you move a man under your kids roof?

Prioritise your own kids and kick this freeloading bunch to the kerb quickly

Whyherewego · 16/10/2024 07:52

Sounds like you didn't agree ground rules before living together. So you urgently need to agree ground rules now.
Hand out jobs for people to do. If his son doesn't clean up after himself then you go to DP and tell him to either clean up or get son to do it.
No visitors except by prior agreement. If visitor is not expected then they dont get fed. Lock the doors so gf can't waltz in.
There's plenty you can do to stop this but you need to urgently take a stand before it gets out of hand

Velvian · 16/10/2024 07:54

So your SS's GF doesn't like your DD being in her own home? It sounds like moving out is tge best thing that could happen.

Womblewife · 16/10/2024 07:54

Put your own kids first and fgs kick these people out. They are draining you and making your children’s lives hell.

rightoguvnor · 16/10/2024 08:01

This living together malarkey isn't working. They all need to move out. Whether that means the end of the relationship I don't know - maybe the time just isn't right and things will be better in a few years, or maybe you will decide that your partner is not someone you'd choose to live with anyway.
Trying to blend families with teenagers is often disastrous and the sooner you call it off the better.

LightDrizzle · 16/10/2024 08:01

I wonder where your stepson has got the idea that women are irritating and insubordinate maids, cooks, providers and general service people to men?

Dump the dad, he’s your biggest problem and mistake in all this.

tuvamoodyson · 16/10/2024 08:04

Why have you inflicted these people on your children? Are you really this desperate for a man??

Kors · 16/10/2024 08:04

We have been together 5 years we stayed between houses my partner decided to give his house up and live here to make life easier but I think because the other house was my partners amd my step son house what ever he said went and there finding it hard to adjust to my house there’s been no issues prior it’s the step son thinking now it’s his house and he can do what he wants have to stay who he wants my kids are fine I would never go against them and they cime first always and the step son doesn’t like it but he’s causing the issues here

OP posts:
CheekySwan · 16/10/2024 08:10

Ask you OH would he let your daughter treat him the way his son and gf are treating you

Kors · 16/10/2024 08:12

I don’t think u have read all the post it’s not about been desperate is it we have been together 5 years between his house and mine there was no issue until they moved in well my partner son stays often ish but my kids come first and always have things have changed since living together no one can foresee that and sometimes ppl change that’s what’s happened here

OP posts:
LittlePudding1 · 16/10/2024 08:14

How is it affecting your kids?

Sounds like a horrendous atmosphere and it will never get better.

You need to either go back to 2 separate houses if you want to stay together or realistically just end it and ask them to leave, you've see what life with him is like now, get rid before you waste any longer than 5 years of your life

Kors · 16/10/2024 08:14

We have had that discussion today I said the same thing u would not have it and I’m not there rude and cheeky and he would not have had my daughters bf staying at his all the time I’ve told him straight today and he said he’s leaving and I said ok I will not budge on this my kids come first and if he can not reason with his son I’m afraid he will have to go as well

OP posts:
Kors · 16/10/2024 08:16

Yes it seemed better at the time for one house but it’s not working tbh my kids are fine as they know I alwys put them first and this is why it’s brown up today as I’ve had it out with my partner as I’m sick of it

OP posts:
romdowa · 16/10/2024 08:16

Kors · 16/10/2024 08:12

I don’t think u have read all the post it’s not about been desperate is it we have been together 5 years between his house and mine there was no issue until they moved in well my partner son stays often ish but my kids come first and always have things have changed since living together no one can foresee that and sometimes ppl change that’s what’s happened here

Then tell your fella and his son to leave then?

arethereanyleftatall · 16/10/2024 08:19

Great that you've recognised your kids come first in your latest post op.

As your kids come first, putting them first means telling your partner to move back out. Today.

EG94 · 16/10/2024 08:20

Partner problem not step son. Shitty dad who can’t stand up to his son and put your feelings first and find compromise. Agree, let him go and let him take his freeloading son and gf with him. Problem solved. Such a shame he lets a 17 year old adult ruin his relationship but shows you how weak a man he is

arethereanyleftatall · 16/10/2024 08:20

Oh, cross post. Good. Stick to it.

tuvamoodyson · 16/10/2024 08:20

Kors · 16/10/2024 08:12

I don’t think u have read all the post it’s not about been desperate is it we have been together 5 years between his house and mine there was no issue until they moved in well my partner son stays often ish but my kids come first and always have things have changed since living together no one can foresee that and sometimes ppl change that’s what’s happened here

I did read all your posts. The minute he didn’t put his hand in his pocket to help financially, the minute he allowed his son and his gf treat me in the way they do and he sat back and said nothing, he’d have been out, 5 years together or not! I hope his bags are packed as we speak.

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