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Original poster

How would you feel if your boyfriend said he didn’t trust you?

40 replies

Usierusie · 15/10/2024 23:23

Dated my boyfriend for 10 months last year. Felt emotionally disconnected at times, brought it up and nothing changes. I broke up with him and he was very upset, we had a few post break up meet ups to talk and then I said I was going to cut contact as I didn’t feel it wa helpful to keep going over it.

fast forward a year and we bumped into each other at an event and have got back in touch. Long story short he admitted to there being a lot going on for him back then in his personal life, family being sick etc that he didn’t feel he could tell me back then hence the distance. We have now been seeing each other for around 2 months and it’s like night and day from before. I’m really enjoying spend time time with him and the emotional closeness I was craving before is most definitely there.

the only thing I’m not happy with is that he has said a few times he doesn’t feel he trusts me not to hurt him again. Despite now agreeing that our break up was for the best as it really made him sort out a lot going on in his life (he has stopped drinking, not that he was a massive drinker but it did worsen his anxiety) he has said a few times about the trust thing. To be honest while I know he was hurt when we broke up, I’m kinda fed up hearing it and it’s not very nice. Yes he was upset we broke up but all I did was end a relationship that wasn’t working for me and I wasn’t getting what I needed and I cut contact after some time. I don’t think i was awful. Would this bother you?

OP posts:
Original poster
Usierusie · 15/10/2024 23:40

Anyone?

OP posts:
Waitforit7 · 16/10/2024 00:42

Trust takes time to build, and once it’s broken it can be hard to regain. If he was saying he didn’t trust you and there was no reason not to, then I’d say he was paranoid, and either had too much old baggage to date you, and needed some healing, OR he’s one of those guys who uses that line as a form of controlling abuse, so he can make you “work for it”. However, he has a genuine fear because you lost interest in him once already, gave up on the relationship, didn’t see any point to further conversation, and went your separate ways. He’s expressing a genuine fear that that might happen again. You don’t really give much detail on how that played out. Was the break up out of nowhere? Did you say anything like you don’t love him anymore or don’t see a future with him? Did things seem ok before you broke up? All of this will factor in to his thought processes. It seems he is scared to suddenly lose you again, and even if you believe the break up was necessary, that doesn’t mean he does. I’m afraid if you’re serious about him, the only thing you can do is reassure him of your commitment to him, and let time be the healer

Original poster
Usierusie · 16/10/2024 06:19

Waitforit7 · 16/10/2024 00:42

Trust takes time to build, and once it’s broken it can be hard to regain. If he was saying he didn’t trust you and there was no reason not to, then I’d say he was paranoid, and either had too much old baggage to date you, and needed some healing, OR he’s one of those guys who uses that line as a form of controlling abuse, so he can make you “work for it”. However, he has a genuine fear because you lost interest in him once already, gave up on the relationship, didn’t see any point to further conversation, and went your separate ways. He’s expressing a genuine fear that that might happen again. You don’t really give much detail on how that played out. Was the break up out of nowhere? Did you say anything like you don’t love him anymore or don’t see a future with him? Did things seem ok before you broke up? All of this will factor in to his thought processes. It seems he is scared to suddenly lose you again, and even if you believe the break up was necessary, that doesn’t mean he does. I’m afraid if you’re serious about him, the only thing you can do is reassure him of your commitment to him, and let time be the healer

Edited

No it wasn’t sudden, it was after a lot of conversations about that issue and commitment to change and nothing did. I didn’t say I didn’t love him no but I did say it wasn’t working for me. Things seemed ok surface level I would say but on a deeper level it wasn’t there at that time and he can agree with that now in hindsight. But I know he thought cutting contact was very hard for him

OP posts:
grinandslothit · 16/10/2024 06:28

He's still the same person and you ended for valid reasons.

Hell still do the same things except this time he'll rub the break up in your face

Original poster
Usierusie · 16/10/2024 06:30

grinandslothit · 16/10/2024 06:28

He's still the same person and you ended for valid reasons.

Hell still do the same things except this time he'll rub the break up in your face

I genuinely feel he has changed and I can see the change already. I just don’t want to keep hearing about how hurt he was by the break up

OP posts:
MoveToParis · 16/10/2024 06:36

Usierusie · 15/10/2024 23:23

Dated my boyfriend for 10 months last year. Felt emotionally disconnected at times, brought it up and nothing changes. I broke up with him and he was very upset, we had a few post break up meet ups to talk and then I said I was going to cut contact as I didn’t feel it wa helpful to keep going over it.

fast forward a year and we bumped into each other at an event and have got back in touch. Long story short he admitted to there being a lot going on for him back then in his personal life, family being sick etc that he didn’t feel he could tell me back then hence the distance. We have now been seeing each other for around 2 months and it’s like night and day from before. I’m really enjoying spend time time with him and the emotional closeness I was craving before is most definitely there.

the only thing I’m not happy with is that he has said a few times he doesn’t feel he trusts me not to hurt him again. Despite now agreeing that our break up was for the best as it really made him sort out a lot going on in his life (he has stopped drinking, not that he was a massive drinker but it did worsen his anxiety) he has said a few times about the trust thing. To be honest while I know he was hurt when we broke up, I’m kinda fed up hearing it and it’s not very nice. Yes he was upset we broke up but all I did was end a relationship that wasn’t working for me and I wasn’t getting what I needed and I cut contact after some time. I don’t think i was awful. Would this bother you?

Yes it would really bother me because he chose to restart the relationship but is trying to say you aren’t allowed end it.

He was hurt the last time: so what? He’s a grown up which means he is expected to be able to manage his feelings.
He doesn’t trust you: again he either has to manage that feeling himself or not be in the relationship- but he doesn’t get to use his feelings as a stick to beat you with.
If you asked “what do you expect me to do with that?” What would he say?

Holidaysrule · 16/10/2024 06:45

Ok, I have a different opinion to pps. You broke up last time because he was “emotionally distant”. That seems to be because he had a lot going on in his life that he didn’t tell you about. Now, you have got back together and he IS telling you how he feels and you “don’t want to keep hearing it”. I feel a bit sorry for him! If you don’t want to be with him that is absolutely your choice but it seems to me he is doing exactly what you asked for but you don’t like it. If you want to stay with him, have an open and honest conversation about the trust issue (which I can see from both sides) and find a way forward that works for both of you.

edited to add. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone who thought “I hurt you last time, so what? You manage that” for me, that is not how relationships work.

ChristmasFluff · 16/10/2024 07:33

The thing is, no-one can promise to never hurt another person.

Eventually, whatever happens, every relationship ends in hurt for at least one person, whether through breaking up or death. If you are going to love another human, being hurt is the risk you take.

I don't think you are being unfair to resent this, OP, as you were very clear about the reasons why you broke up. Even by his own account, you were correct, in that he wasn't being honest with you about what he was going through, and now, although it is better and he seems to have changed, I would suspect he is just in best behaviour mode - it takes a lot longer than a year to change. Next time something difficult happens in his life, or in your relationship, you'll probably find you have the same old boyfriend back again.

Both of you perhaps need to dial it all back and bear in mind that you are beginning again. At 2 months into a relationship, you would not expect to have the same trust you did at 10 months. Yet it sounds as though he's expecting a full-on 'reset button' to exactly where you were at the 10 month mark.

Going forward, my response would be that I didn't trust him to not revert to emotionally disconnecting once the honeymoon period is over, and so the 'risk' is not one-sided. Just like any other relationship.

Original poster
Usierusie · 16/10/2024 08:09

Holidaysrule · 16/10/2024 06:45

Ok, I have a different opinion to pps. You broke up last time because he was “emotionally distant”. That seems to be because he had a lot going on in his life that he didn’t tell you about. Now, you have got back together and he IS telling you how he feels and you “don’t want to keep hearing it”. I feel a bit sorry for him! If you don’t want to be with him that is absolutely your choice but it seems to me he is doing exactly what you asked for but you don’t like it. If you want to stay with him, have an open and honest conversation about the trust issue (which I can see from both sides) and find a way forward that works for both of you.

edited to add. I wouldn’t be in a relationship with anyone who thought “I hurt you last time, so what? You manage that” for me, that is not how relationships work.

Edited

Thanks for you. It did make me stop and think. I guess hearing “I don’t trust you” just has my back up as I know I am a trustworthy person.
i do appreciate him being open with his feelings now but just hard to hear

OP posts:
Original poster
Usierusie · 16/10/2024 08:10

ChristmasFluff · 16/10/2024 07:33

The thing is, no-one can promise to never hurt another person.

Eventually, whatever happens, every relationship ends in hurt for at least one person, whether through breaking up or death. If you are going to love another human, being hurt is the risk you take.

I don't think you are being unfair to resent this, OP, as you were very clear about the reasons why you broke up. Even by his own account, you were correct, in that he wasn't being honest with you about what he was going through, and now, although it is better and he seems to have changed, I would suspect he is just in best behaviour mode - it takes a lot longer than a year to change. Next time something difficult happens in his life, or in your relationship, you'll probably find you have the same old boyfriend back again.

Both of you perhaps need to dial it all back and bear in mind that you are beginning again. At 2 months into a relationship, you would not expect to have the same trust you did at 10 months. Yet it sounds as though he's expecting a full-on 'reset button' to exactly where you were at the 10 month mark.

Going forward, my response would be that I didn't trust him to not revert to emotionally disconnecting once the honeymoon period is over, and so the 'risk' is not one-sided. Just like any other relationship.

Yes and I do feel like that that I worry it will return to how it was, hopefully not but that is a fear of mine

OP posts:
StrawberryWater · 16/10/2024 08:16

It would honestly annoy me.

You need another conversation with him the next time he brings it up I think. You're either together and he moves on or he stays stuck in the past wanting to go over old ground.

If he can’t recognise there were legitimate reasons to end the relationship then it has no future. Also yeah I’d be worried about him using it to make you work to be with him (ie grovel).

BeNavyCrab · 16/10/2024 08:29

ChristmasFluff · 16/10/2024 07:33

The thing is, no-one can promise to never hurt another person.

Eventually, whatever happens, every relationship ends in hurt for at least one person, whether through breaking up or death. If you are going to love another human, being hurt is the risk you take.

I don't think you are being unfair to resent this, OP, as you were very clear about the reasons why you broke up. Even by his own account, you were correct, in that he wasn't being honest with you about what he was going through, and now, although it is better and he seems to have changed, I would suspect he is just in best behaviour mode - it takes a lot longer than a year to change. Next time something difficult happens in his life, or in your relationship, you'll probably find you have the same old boyfriend back again.

Both of you perhaps need to dial it all back and bear in mind that you are beginning again. At 2 months into a relationship, you would not expect to have the same trust you did at 10 months. Yet it sounds as though he's expecting a full-on 'reset button' to exactly where you were at the 10 month mark.

Going forward, my response would be that I didn't trust him to not revert to emotionally disconnecting once the honeymoon period is over, and so the 'risk' is not one-sided. Just like any other relationship.

This is absolutely true. Next time he's saying he doesn't trust you, you need to tell him that he hurt you too. You only made the decision to leave due to his being emotionally unavailable. This doesn't make you more responsible than him, so you shouldn't feel guilty or be made to earn him back.
The trust was broken by both of you and both of you are vulnerable to each other. Rather than who hurt who and why, you both need to use it as an opportunity to make sure you never get in that same position again. How are you both going to commit to stopping history repeat? What concrete measures are you both going to do in future? What do they look like and how will you both be able to judge that the other person is doing it?

You need to build up healthy ways of relating to each other and dealing with any problems like a team. Over time the hurt will heal and the trust return.

MorrisZapp · 16/10/2024 08:41

I broke up with DP once for similar reasons. We got back together and he made huge changes, but I was clear from the start that it was a 'no promises' deal, on both sides.

If he acts like a twat again, you have every right to break up with him. If your feelings change, you have every right to break up with him. Likewise, he could dump you tomorrow.

Have a chat next time he mentions it. You're in a mutual relationship through choice, not prison.

ARichtGoodDram · 16/10/2024 08:43

Does he talk as much about your trust in him to be open and honest with you?

Or is it only your previous actions that get cast up in a negative way?

jay55 · 16/10/2024 09:50

Presumably you were also hurt by the breakup and his unwillingness to put in the effort the first time around.
Him continually painting you as the bad guy is really mean and not reality at all.

autienotnaughty · 16/10/2024 09:51

I would say he's looking for reassurance but you can't give it him because you don't know how you will feel in the future.

I would suggest counselling for him or just tell him hopefully it will ease in time as the relationship progresses.

Try not to be defensive or apologetic you are not doing anything wrong but he needs to work through his feelings for you to have a future

Original poster
Usierusie · 16/10/2024 10:54

jay55 · 16/10/2024 09:50

Presumably you were also hurt by the breakup and his unwillingness to put in the effort the first time around.
Him continually painting you as the bad guy is really mean and not reality at all.

Yes I was hurt but probably less so thank him because it was me that ended it, whereas he did not want to. But there is always the risk of getting hurt isn’t there for both parties

OP posts:
Original poster
Usierusie · 16/10/2024 10:54

jay55 · 16/10/2024 09:50

Presumably you were also hurt by the breakup and his unwillingness to put in the effort the first time around.
Him continually painting you as the bad guy is really mean and not reality at all.

Yes I was hurt but probably less so thank him because it was me that ended it, whereas he did not want to. But there is always the risk of getting hurt isn’t there for both parties

OP posts:
Original poster
Usierusie · 16/10/2024 10:55

jay55 · 16/10/2024 09:50

Presumably you were also hurt by the breakup and his unwillingness to put in the effort the first time around.
Him continually painting you as the bad guy is really mean and not reality at all.

Yes I was hurt but probably less so thank him because it was me that ended it, whereas he did not want to. But there is always the risk of getting hurt isn’t there for both parties

OP posts:
Original poster
Usierusie · 16/10/2024 10:55

jay55 · 16/10/2024 09:50

Presumably you were also hurt by the breakup and his unwillingness to put in the effort the first time around.
Him continually painting you as the bad guy is really mean and not reality at all.

Yes I was hurt but probably less so thank him because it was me that ended it, whereas he did not want to. But there is always the risk of getting hurt isn’t there for both parties

OP posts:
Original poster
Usierusie · 16/10/2024 10:56

jay55 · 16/10/2024 09:50

Presumably you were also hurt by the breakup and his unwillingness to put in the effort the first time around.
Him continually painting you as the bad guy is really mean and not reality at all.

Yes I was hurt but probably less so thank him because it was me that ended it, whereas he did not want to. But there is always the risk of getting hurt isn’t there for both parties

OP posts:
AllThePotatoesAreSingingJingleBells · 16/10/2024 10:56

Usierusie · 16/10/2024 06:30

I genuinely feel he has changed and I can see the change already. I just don’t want to keep hearing about how hurt he was by the break up

Show quote history

He wasn’t upset enough to sort out the issue you raised several times before finally breaking up with him.

He didn’t care enough to fix things, and you left him. He hurt himself. That’s not your fault. He should be bloody grateful you’ve given him a second chance. He’s not taking responsibility at all. Instead he’s blaming you for hurting him. He hasn’t changed. Throw this one back

TheConvalescent · 16/10/2024 10:59

grinandslothit · 16/10/2024 06:28

He's still the same person and you ended for valid reasons.

Hell still do the same things except this time he'll rub the break up in your face

Yes, never go back. The reason you ended a relationship will still be there in the relationship second time round.

If my partner told me he didn't trust me, I'd probably say 'That's nice, dear -- have some therapy, as one of my non-negotiables in a relationship is 'Each person deal with their own shit.'

KimFan · 16/10/2024 11:03

I think he’s misusing the term ‘trust’.

You broke up with him for a reason last time. It’s not his place to ‘trust’ you not to do it/hurt him again.

You aren’t bound to this person and if it doesn’t work out, presumably you’d be assertive enough to end things again, as would be his right if he felt that things weren’t working out.

merrywidow · 16/10/2024 11:34

I'm cynical however sounds like he's projecting and he's untrustworthy and manipulative.