How would you feel if your boyfriend said he didn’t trust you?

[Usierusie]

Dated my boyfriend for 10 months last year. Felt emotionally disconnected at times, brought it up and nothing changes. I broke up with him and he was very upset, we had a few post break up meet ups to talk and then I said I was going to cut contact as I didn’t feel it wa helpful to keep going over it.

fast forward a year and we bumped into each other at an event and have got back in touch. Long story short he admitted to there being a lot going on for him back then in his personal life, family being sick etc that he didn’t feel he could tell me back then hence the distance. We have now been seeing each other for around 2 months and it’s like night and day from before. I’m really enjoying spend time time with him and the emotional closeness I was craving before is most definitely there.

the only thing I’m not happy with is that he has said a few times he doesn’t feel he trusts me not to hurt him again. Despite now agreeing that our break up was for the best as it really made him sort out a lot going on in his life (he has stopped drinking, not that he was a massive drinker but it did worsen his anxiety) he has said a few times about the trust thing. To be honest while I know he was hurt when we broke up, I’m kinda fed up hearing it and it’s not very nice. Yes he was upset we broke up but all I did was end a relationship that wasn’t working for me and I wasn’t getting what I needed and I cut contact after some time. I don’t think i was awful. Would this bother you?

Yeah the cynic in me feels like this is him priming you to try win back the trust. He's great now but that will fade back to how it was before and you will feel unable to walk away again because now looking after yourself has been framed as breaking his trust. As others have said you didn't break his trust you didn't give no notice you walked away after multiple warnings. That's on him not on you.

I think this is a pink flag - proceed with caution.
If you've only been back together 2 months and he's mentioned "several times" that he doesn't trust you, that's quite a lot in a 2 month time period.
I expect you've seen threads on here from women whose partners say they don't trust them, and the women end up having to prove they are worthy to be trusted, which entails handing their phones over for inspection to prove they aren't cheating, to having to explain in detail why they spoke to a man in the supermarket to prove they aren't planning on running away with the man in the supermarket etc etc.
The woman ends up permanently on the defence having to continually prove she is worthy of the toxic relationship and the man's role is the permanently offended victim who has to be appeased at all costs.
Your boyfriend needs to make a decision to either trust you and get on with it, or not, and end the relationship. But continually mentioning that he's not sure whether to trust you or not isn't on IMO and could lead to you sliding into the kind of relationship I've described above, where you end up having to prove yourself all the time.
Be wary.

Well equally she could say to him that last time you refused to communicate anything with me and shut me out when times were tough, and didn't work on or change that despite numerous conversations about it before our break up. Things in his personal life might be going well at the moment, but how does she know that he won't revert back to distance and shutting her out the moment something challenging occurs in his life?

That's a bigger trust issue to have than him worrying she might break up with him again especially when it sounded like she genuinely made an effort towards communicating and trying to overcome the issue before walking away.

If he doesn't want her to break up with him again then he should take ownership of his part in it the last time. But repeatedly telling someone you don't trust them is not productive and shows a lack of self awareness of why the first breakup occurred, which actually to me would be a bit of a red flag.

If they're both willing to move forward and improve and work on things together, he shouldn't be having an issue with trust, unless he's just using that to guilt her into staying if he starts behaving poorly again.

For those talking about abuse, and men who do this as a form of control so you’re eager to please etc etc, this is NOT what this situation is. Men like that have no reason to have trust issues, they falsely attack a partners character, painting them as something they are not, and screw with their minds, when the partner has done nothing to show they are untrustworthy at all. Unfortunately breaking up with someone and stating it’s unworkable, and disappearing from their lives (and as far as I’m aware he didn’t cheat or deceive you in any way did he?) you haven’t fully clarified why you actually dumped him, only that he was going through hard times and wasn’t in the best place? Unfortunately doing that causes major breach of trust and it’s hardly worth even getting back together, as if you deemed him not for you once, how can he trust you won’t do it again? This is called a consequence of an action, things will never be the same as they were before, but in time when he sees you are consistent in your commitment to him, he will trust you. It’s unhelpful for people to compare this with abusive men (or women) who use this as a tool of manipulation. If he is now openly expressing his emotions, isn’t that what you wanted OP. Either show him you are a safe place, or leave him.

No he didn’t cheat or deceive me. He was emotional distant, emotionally unavailable when I needed him, seemed indifferent to things about me/us. I thought it up many times and he did say he would try harder but it never changed so I ended it

For those talking about abuse, and men who do this as a form of control so you’re eager to please etc etc, this is NOT what this situation is.

Thank you, but I didn't say that's what this situation is. I said that I expected the OP had seen threads from women in controlling relationships and I said that I thought she should be careful her relationship doesn't slide into the same kind of dynamic, where she has to prove herself all the time, because of her boyfriend's issue with a lack of trust.

He doesn't trust you but that's not the only issue in your relationship!

You can't trust him... to be honest and to not be emotionally distant:

"Long story short he admitted to there being a lot going on for him back then in his personal life, family being sick etc that he didn’t feel he could tell me back then hence the distance."

It sounds like a lot of hard work with various issues to work on...

"I can't trust you" when you've done nothing untrustworthy is a red flag. It is emotionally manipulative. His problems weren't yours to solve then, and they aren't now. Is he trying to shame you for breaking up with him before? (YES, the answer is yes!)

"Mistrust" reframed by gaslighting into being something that you have created or deserve (when in fact you have done NOTHING wrong), is a hallmark of controlling, manipulative abusers.

how come you didn’t know he was going through shit, so couldn’t be 100% himself? Did you guys talk about it? Did you know?

Which isn’t what’s going on here….

I disagree. The OP has not betrayed him, nor broken his trust. Deciding not to continue a relationship on perfectly reasonable grounds, after multiple attempts to engage the other person to save the relationship, as the OP has described is not a breach of trust.

To characterise this as a breach of trust is not only re-writing history (if not gaslighting then it's gaslighting adjacent), it is also placing the responsibility for his feelings on the OP, casting her as someone who has done something wrong and him as a victim. Trying to create guilt and obligation. That is emotionally manipulative. It's a red flag.

Now maybe that's not the correct interpretation but it's a potential warning. That's what a red flag means. I would definitely have a boundary here.

"I have never broken your trust. I do not feel guilty about ending our relationship previously and I will not be made to feel guilty. When you talk about not trusting me, I feel that you are trying to guilt trip me. It offends me and is unpleasant. I only want to proceed with our relationship on equal terms without feeling an obligation based on our past history. You need to set aside this feeling of mistrust or be honest and end our relationship if you can't. As before if I have a problem in our relationship you will know it because I will be forthright with you, just like I am being now".

His reaction will be revealing.

Ending a relationship IS a betrayal. It’s the ultimate betrayal. Whatever the reasons are, and there are many good reasons to end a relationship, it is a complete turning your back on the other person and stating they are not for you. That’s why it’s better not to get back together after a break up, or don’t break up with someone if there’s a chance to make it work. I’m not saying she was wrong to break up with him, as we don’t know every detail. I’m saying that it is a betrayal, and to then reengage and expect it to be a relationship full of trust, is foolish.

clearly he doesn’t feel he deserved to be broken up with, and we have very little detail regarding how that played out, or if she even had insight into the issues he was facing.

He's not changed then, has he? He's indifferent to how you feel compared to how he says you made him feel.

I disagree completely re ending a relationship as a betrayal. I guess I see betrayal as by definition, a wrongdoing. Therefore if you frame someone as having betrayed you, you are saying they did you wrong. I consider framing a breakup as a betrayal (a wrongdoing) to be emotionally manipulative and therefore a red flag. Quite different from, from example saying "I sometimes feel some insecurity that we could break up again, as we did before. I don't want that to happen, I want to be with you" - that kind of expression conveys the insecure feelings without the manipulative element.

However, it is possible that OP's boyfriend could have the same semantic approach as you do. In which case, talking about this directly, laying down boundaries (I do not and will not be made to feel guilty about breaking up with you) would make things clearer to both parties. Clearly, if it was you and I, we'd have now worked it out and be in harmony 😉.

Equally your interpretation is not universal and it's very possible he is being manipulative.

Yeah seems he has. She left him for not being in touch with his emotions/emotionally connected, and now he clearly is.