Still not filing for divorce or progressing separation….

[GoldReader]

My partner left his wife (for me, bad I know) in January 2023, so it has been almost two years…..yet he still hasn’t filed for divorce, is still paying for their house and other than no longer living there isn’t making any tangible steps towards formal separation. Yet we have discussed marriage, possible children and getting to ‘forever’ for the same length of time. I know there’s guilt, and my bitchy side suspects she’s milking it, but I’m starting to feel like I’m a fool. Yet he makes it out like I’m unreasonable for wanting him to progress. After you file for divorce there’s a 20 week wait so I don’t see the issue?! Am I missing the point? Am I unfair and irrational? Or am I being taken for a fool?

He's not getting divorced because he doesn't want to.

You’re all right. I’m sorry. I failed my life choices yet again.

He wants to keep his options open. He is paying towards a house he is not living in and it probably going up in value. He may think that she be there if you and him split up.
He might not want a divorce because it will cost him money, he might not get that much from the house sale and he lose some of his pension.

You talked about long term, getting married and perhaps having a child with him. He could be just telling you what you want to hear to make his life easier.
Then he is around when your co parenting the child you already have and he could think do I really want a child?

You ended his marriage nearly 2 years ago and he had a place to stay, sex ect and life is easy for him now. I think it's time to tell him to move out and it over because you can see he is not willing to get divorced.

Sometimes you need to pull the plaster right off.

Sunken cost fallacy is a real thing. You went through all this, both of your blowing your life's up to be together. That doesn't mean you need to live your life for ever more in a situation that isn't what you ultimately want.

That's compounding bad decision after decision.

What you really need to work out isn't why he hasn't gotten divorced, but why you are in a situation that you aren't happy in at a deeper level.

Are you accepting less than you actually want because your afraid to rock the boat and it all come down?

If so that's no way to live no matter how the relationship started.

Let me guess you are TTC?

Yes you are more than a fool but you will be lije the thousands of others so you are in good company

James Goldsmith said, "When a man marries his mistress he creates an immediate job vacancy" he said this after he married his mistress. Why do people put themselves in that position?

Might be worth talking to a therapist about how you became part of this situation, it might help you avoid it next time. You certainly didn't do it all on your own but it doesn't excuse you either.

@notatinydancer He's not getting divorced because he doesn't want to.

Nail firmly hit on head

Oh goodness.

So within 2 years you've had an affair with a married man, your DC have gone through a divorce and breakdown of their family unit, you've introduced your DC to this new man who hasn't actually gone through with leaving his wife and is in no rush to apparently and you're considering marriage and another baby with your affair partner?

Foolish isn't even the word. Kindly, you might benefit from some therapy or at least a look at your priorities.

“GoldReader · Yesterday 23:38

You’re all right. I’m sorry. I failed my life choices yet again.”

Yep. An affair with a married man is a pretty shitty life choice. He may find the reality of living with you and your DCs day to day is less exciting than having an affair with you. He may be starting to realise what he has lost in leaving his wife. Even if he has no wish to go back to her, he may not want to commit to you. My dad had a long-term affair which led to my parents’ marriage breaking down. Although my dad wasn’t willing to end the affair (so mum kicked him out in the end), he was very clear that he wasn’t going to make a full time commitment to the other woman. Frankly, if my marriage ended, I wouldn’t rush to settle down with someone else. I’d want to be footloose and fancy free for a bit. Your guy might want some freedom, too.

As fuck-ups go, this is a big one, OP. But we all fuck up. God knows I have. Some serious fuck ups. You can’t put back time. But build out your independence from this man. Long-term, he probably won’t give you what you want.

How on earth can you trust him, knowing he cheated on his wife?

He obviously still loves his wife and is hoping that given time she’ll take him back. Until that happens he’ll settle for you sucking his cock and washing his pants.

@GoldReader

Well, a simple explanation is that he isn't divorcing her because he doesn't want to marry you. You're just a convenient stepping stone between his current marriage and starting his 'bachelor life'. Assuming he isn't trying to worm his way back into his marriage, of course.

You've wasted almost 2 years on this man and are no further forward than when you were his bit on the side. And in the process you've brought him into your children's lives, which IMO is a huge mistake.

My advice is dump him and try to find someone who can offer you an honest love.

It's hard to feel much sympathy for your dilemma, especially when you're actively being bitchy towards the wife even though it's her husband who is the cause of both of your problems.

He didn’t have to be single to get you in the first place so if he sees a benefit to staying married he’ll assume you’ll hang around?
He doesn’t think you’re his forever one, he’s keeping his options open otherwise he would “ have moved on”?
Too lazy to leave his wife without someone else to go to, now too lazy to get a divorce?

Whatever reason you think fits best.

Did he ‘leave her for you’ or did she find out he was cheating and kick him out?

sounds like the latter. In which case he probably never wanted to leave in the first place and explains why he isn’t divorcing.

I can't believe you are blaming the ex wife for "milking it". Typical to always blame the woman and not the man.

As others have said - if he wanted to divorce and move things forward with you he would. Or he would be making every effort to.
If he isn't, and it sounds like he isn't, that tells you all you need to know.

How’s it going between you since he moved in? How’s he finding living with children if he has no kids of his own and is not used to that?

I waited 7 yrs to file for divorce simply because I couldn't afford to sell the house and buy somewhere else with my share of the equity. Maybe his wife is in the same position? Either way, sounds like you both got carried away and he's getting cold feet about the next step and the longer this goes on, the harder it's going to be.
I don't believe those who say that he's keeping his options open, he'd have gone back to his wife already.
I think you need to give an ultimatum - file for divorce or move out - set a time limit. It may be the push he needs or you break up. At least you know where you stand and can move on with your life. Living in limbo isn't good for anyone.

Oh FFS, stop playing the victim and grow up. You reap what you sow. This is called just desserts. Do not blame his wife for the shitty mess you have created.

My father left my mum for another woman. He wouldn't start divorce proceedings either, telling my mum "he had no intention of getting married again". I imagine he told the OW my mum was being awkward. My mum eventually started them as she wanted to remarry. I imagine there was an awkward conversation with the OW. Once there was no excuse, he had to marry the OW. It didn't last! Why would you trust a proven liar??

Oh OP, you clearly haven't Pick-Me danced hard enough!

He wants you both as options - it's what his type do. You know very well that if he loved you he'd have divorced by now, because he would no longer want his wife. But he does want his wife - and you too. He's entitled and selfish, and that's why he cheated.

What a prize.

Indeed. Playing the ‘poor me’ is pretty nauseating.

Karma bites hard eh OP