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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Still not filing for divorce or progressing separation….

46 replies

GoldReader · 15/10/2024 21:56

My partner left his wife (for me, bad I know) in January 2023, so it has been almost two years…..yet he still hasn’t filed for divorce, is still paying for their house and other than no longer living there isn’t making any tangible steps towards formal separation. Yet we have discussed marriage, possible children and getting to ‘forever’ for the same length of time. I know there’s guilt, and my bitchy side suspects she’s milking it, but I’m starting to feel like I’m a fool. Yet he makes it out like I’m unreasonable for wanting him to progress. After you file for divorce there’s a 20 week wait so I don’t see the issue?! Am I missing the point? Am I unfair and irrational? Or am I being taken for a fool?

OP posts:
Wantosleep39 · 15/10/2024 22:07

You are not just a fool. MN is about to tell you

Perplexed20 · 15/10/2024 22:08

Why would you trust someone who has proved they are untrustworthy?

Opentooffers · 15/10/2024 22:09

Where's he living? Is it with you, and if so does he pay his way or are you enabling him to pay his ex wife?

Newstrawberries · 15/10/2024 22:14

Oh dear.

Original poster
GoldReader · 15/10/2024 22:15

@Opentooffers living with me and paying his way too

OP posts:
Daisys24 · 15/10/2024 22:19

So now you feel like his wife felt. I’m afraid that’s your life now. What goes around comes around.

HappyAsASandboy · 15/10/2024 22:22

Getting divorced is really horrible. Conversations about awkward things, blame, shame, feelings of loss of what you thought would be, fighting over money/kids/time/the yellow tea pot.

If his life is fairly stable now, as it is, then I can see why he is reluctant to start all that. He probably intends to, but never actually takes the first step because he knows what will follow.

KitKatChonky · 15/10/2024 22:22

Only he can answer really. If it’s a complex separation with assets/children then he may be waiting for heightened emotions to settle before legally separating, so that it’s more amicable and straightforward.

Velvian · 15/10/2024 22:22

Do they have children? He may be delaying divorce as he doesn't feel ready for another marriage.

LeoLibra18 · 15/10/2024 22:23

I feel like you're going to get loads of abuse on here but I'll give you some advice, it might be hard to hear but I had to take it on the chin too.
He's not leaving. No matter how much he blags it. If he's not done it now he isn't going to. If I were you, give him an ultimatum, you've got 2 weeks to file or I'm gone.
Why are you moving your goalposts for your 'forever'? You need to set boundaries and stick to them. You've allowed him to string you along for this long, why do you keep allowing that for yourself?

Original poster
GoldReader · 15/10/2024 22:24

Thank you all. He has no children, I do. And in the same time frame my divorce has completed and my ex and I remain good friends and coparents.

OP posts:
Meadowfinch · 15/10/2024 22:25

Op, you are being very naive.

Men seldom jump unless they have somewhere to go. He jumped straight from her bed, her warm clean home, to yours, and you let him.

Now he has everything he wants- sex, nice warm clean home, no hassle, easy life, path of least resistance. You are lovely and convenient!!

What is there to tempt him to change? At the moment his investment in their house is growing nicely. He isn't having to waste money on solicitors or go to mediation, or face the hassle of splitting his pension. If you let him, he'll carry on in the same way until he is drawing his pension.

For God's sake don't get pregnant and don't believe a word he says. Actions count. Words don't.

If you want a family, I'd look elsewhere.

XChrome · 15/10/2024 22:27

my bitchy side suspects she’s milking it

The brass neck it takes to fuck with another person's life and then have the gall to suspect her of wrongdoing because the cheating creep turns out to in fact be (shocker of the year!) using you and future faking you.
I'm pretty sure are going to have your ass handed to you by MN, and justifiably so. I'm off to make popcorn.

AgileGreenSeal · 15/10/2024 22:30

LeoLibra18 · 15/10/2024 22:23

I feel like you're going to get loads of abuse on here but I'll give you some advice, it might be hard to hear but I had to take it on the chin too.
He's not leaving. No matter how much he blags it. If he's not done it now he isn't going to. If I were you, give him an ultimatum, you've got 2 weeks to file or I'm gone.
Why are you moving your goalposts for your 'forever'? You need to set boundaries and stick to them. You've allowed him to string you along for this long, why do you keep allowing that for yourself?

@GoldReader have you heard the term future faking?
if not, better look it up cos that’s what he’s done to you.

Original poster
GoldReader · 15/10/2024 22:33

@AgileGreenSeal I hadn't before now….enlightening read.

OP posts:
Driedonion · 15/10/2024 22:34

He’s either not leaving or he’s waiting for the next offer to come along…

Horationor · 15/10/2024 22:39

XChrome · 15/10/2024 22:27

my bitchy side suspects she’s milking it

The brass neck it takes to fuck with another person's life and then have the gall to suspect her of wrongdoing because the cheating creep turns out to in fact be (shocker of the year!) using you and future faking you.
I'm pretty sure are going to have your ass handed to you by MN, and justifiably so. I'm off to make popcorn.

Em this...

Perhaps his wife is making it too comfortable to not divorce
Perhaps he stands to lose too much
Perhaps shagging someone else's husband wasn't the right thing to do
Funny old world ain't it.

Fabrador · 15/10/2024 22:46

So basically what is happening is the wife is on the back burner for when things go south with you two, aka his fall-back whom he isn’t keen on letting go of just yet. Otherwise he would have by now. But he hasn’t, soo…

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/10/2024 22:50

Yet he makes it out like I’m unreasonable for wanting him to progress

What does that look like? He’s got a bit of a nerve when it’s your roof he’s under. Tell him to get on with the divorce or to move out and put a deadline on it. But do you really want to be with someone who’s happy to be married to someone else for the foreseeable?

category12 · 15/10/2024 22:50

my bitchy side suspects she’s milking it

Meh, she's got no reason to do either of you any favours, and plenty of reason to be awkward.

But there's no reason he can't move things on himself, so I guess all you're left with is that he doesn't want to or isn't ready to.

I wouldn't have a child with him until it's sorted.

Marblesbackagain · 15/10/2024 22:59

Oh dear. I wouldn't do anything to make his life easier why should she?

He has his backup plan when the reality hits. 🤷‍♀️

MarkingBad · 15/10/2024 23:08

He may well be waiting for her to accept him back in her life. Why would you continue to pay for a home you don't live in or benefit from when you have no kids unless you plan to move back in at some point. I know someone who did that for that reason.

No one knows why he is doing anything except him. What is his explanation?

Why did you expect a man who was willing to cheat on his partner to be such a golden prize? Why do APs so often think they mean anything to their married AP, mostly they are just a sex toy the married partner can pick up and use at will and a warm home to stay when things go wrong for a while. Why did you put yourself in that position?

Whatado · 15/10/2024 23:12

If it isn't in her financial interest to divorce why should she?

She didn't promise you jack shit. He did. Just like he promised her.

The irony of you saying she's milking it for not making any moves to change her life to benefit you.

You carried on your poor decision making by allowing a man to move into your home established him as a part of your kids life when he wasnt legally or financially available to commit to a future with you.

Now your facing the reailty of the consequences of your choices. He CANT commit to you the way you want because he is still legally committed to someone else.

Ask yourself why he is happy to retain that status quo? If you relationship is going in the direction you think it is it serves him no purpose. But his current situation does. He gets all the benefits with none of the long term risk especially legally tying himself to someone he knows is capable of lying and cheating.

Opentooffers · 15/10/2024 23:13

His ex is probably not pushing for divorce as he's continuing to pay her mortgage, and probably maintenance too. Plus she knows if divorce isn't happening, that's a barrier for you. She certainly doesn't owe you any favours. It's good he has the means to pay half of your bills and mortgage too. He might find losing half his equity a hard pill to swallow, and he's already got all he needs off you, so no rush. Just as well you have DC's already, as you could be waiting years for the split to happen. It would be a bad move to have another DC before he's split, so make your contraception watertight meantime.

Waitforit7 · 15/10/2024 23:16

Likely he’s seeing if it works out with you before he loses half his assets, weighing up his options. Perhaps he wants to see if she would take him back. Either way, he doesn’t seem in any major rush. How did their relationship end, did she find out about the affair?