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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To message complete stranger or not to message… that is literally the question!

83 replies

BloodyWolves · 15/10/2024 19:35

I’ll try and keep this short… basically I want to know whether this is a weird thing to do or not!

So I got a very strange message of a random account on Facebook a few months ago. I don’t want to go into details on this because it’s very outing to anyone who knows me… long story short this account tried adding a lot of people I either knew or had mutual friends with. All except one person, a man who is seemingly completely unconnected to me in anyway.

As insane as this sounds I couldn’t get this guy out of my head. From his pictures I thought he was gorgeous and impulse got the better of me and I added him. I’m not normally one for adding complete strangers may I add! Anyway, he accepted and a few days later I sent him a message totally expecting to be ignored.

To my extreme surprise he replied! He seemed to think I was AI generated at first and possibly attempting to scam him but after we got passed that we had a nice conversation and then nerves got the better of me and I didn’t reply again. I started to worry that he was only replying out of politeness and I felt guilty, like I had ambushed him and he was too nice to ignore me.

I regret this though! I really would have liked to get to know him. It’s been 8 weeks and I can’t get this niggle out of my head! We are still friends on Facebook and he does view my stories. Not that it’s anything to go by really. Anyway, I’m hoping I can get some opinions on whether it would be completely weird to finally reply apologising for the disappearance/delay. Explain that I worried I’d ambushed him and panicked that he was only replying out of politeness and offer my number only if he’s genuinely interested and that there’s no hard feelings if he isn’t.

Am I being crazy?!

OP posts:
Nodlikeyouwerelistening · 15/10/2024 23:17

Classic scam/catfish. It feels like that episode of Catfish where that poor guy thought he was talking to Katy Perry, and no one could convince him otherwise. Not even Katy Perry herself. I can’t imagine anything “too outing” other than she thinks it’s some celebrity or something.

Icicle90 · 15/10/2024 23:20

OP I would just go for it, you have absolutely nothing to lose. You already know for sure he isn't a scammer. I feel like if you don't ask , you will always wonder. Just be prepared that he may have a girlfriend or he may not reply, but he also might be pleased to hear from you and agree to meet up. Good luck

SisterAgatha · 15/10/2024 23:20

sorry to push but these details make a difference - you say he added you as a friend on Facebook without knowing who you were to begin with and THEN you began messaging him? So you can see his updates and wall and friends etc?

FanjoleenaJolly · 15/10/2024 23:45

BloodyWolves · 15/10/2024 21:26

I’m going to ask… tomorrow. Last time he was interested but he was also genuinely worried I was out to scam him. He said he was interested, asked where about I lived to check if the distance was doable and then said it’s not the closest but not the furthest which could work out to be a really good thing or a really bad thing. I didn’t quite know how to take that.

Any ideas what I could say? My instinct was to go in with apologies but I think the previous poster who pointed out that’s not a good idea is right. I think he needs to feel like he’s getting something good here! Not an anxious, self doubter who doesn’t think she’s good enough!

So, if there was interest from both sides during this message exchange, where he was asking where you lived and saying it was 'doable', why didn't either of you suggest a meet up then?

Do you know why the messaging dried up?

ShowerOfShites · 15/10/2024 23:46

Icicle90 · 15/10/2024 23:20

OP I would just go for it, you have absolutely nothing to lose. You already know for sure he isn't a scammer. I feel like if you don't ask , you will always wonder. Just be prepared that he may have a girlfriend or he may not reply, but he also might be pleased to hear from you and agree to meet up. Good luck

You already know for sure he isn't a scammer.

Eh?

How does she know for sure he isn't a scammer? 😳

LettuceSpray · 16/10/2024 00:17

Forevertiredmam · 15/10/2024 23:14

Can’t you just apologise and say you never got notified of his last message on messenger? Or is this an obvious lie maybe? I would just out right ask him if he’s free to meet for a drink, literally nothing to lose!

Why would OP need to apologise ?

pinkdelight · 16/10/2024 05:50

So I got a very strange message of a random account on Facebook a few months ago. I don’t want to go into details on this because it’s very outing to anyone who knows me… long story short this account tried adding a lot of people I either knew or had mutual friends with. All except one person, a man who is seemingly completely unconnected to me in anyway.

Your take on this is the strangest thing. People get strange messages from random accounts on FB all the time. It's not outing and it's always scams. It's odd that you'd not just dismiss it but look into
It and see who else was added and zero in on this guy you don't know and then add him. Then start messaging him and getting fixated with him to this extent. Clearly you have some gap in your romantic life - you say as much - and you're filling it with this fantasy about a FB randomer who you found in a highly dodgy way and have FA to do with except you've convinced yourself this picture is exactly your type. Honestly, the first responder put it rudely, but you do need to nix this and look for love in wiser ways. This is Catfish-tastic and even on the offchance he's genuine, you're coming over quite delusional and will seem very weird and desperate if you keep pursuing him. Unadd him and forget. Treat it like something in your spam folder which is what it really was from the off.

Original poster
BloodyWolves · 16/10/2024 07:00

Oh Jesus… I guess outing is better than everyone thinking I’m mad!

I now know who was behind the fake account. I didn’t at the time they messaged me. When the fake account messaged me I knew it wasn’t your garden scam because they obviously knew me and were asking questions only very specific people would know to ask. This obviously scared me and so I combed through this profile for any hints of who it might be. Which led me to this accounts friends and following lists… where I discovered that everyone who had been added were linked to me in some capacity. Apart from this one guy who still has no link to me but does have a link to the person who made the fake account.

My best bet is the person who made the fake account was doing it as some kind of stalking exercise.

OP posts:
frannygallops · 16/10/2024 07:08

Or, the person doing the stalking added a fake person to their friends list. One that he knew you'd be interested in enough to message ...

lololulu · 16/10/2024 07:16

@BloodyWolves

What does widowed marine mean?

pinkdelight · 16/10/2024 07:22

It baffles me what people think is outing. That's still vague but thanks for explaining. Honestly though, if you genuinely do think the original message was even remotely linked to stalking, it's even weirder that you'd then go down this route of adding and messaging and fancying a random guy as a result. Shouldn't an unnerving message from a potential stalker make you more cautious? Not throwing caution to the wind pursuing romance with a total unknown whose only association is via this scam or stalker contact? It's really not worth taking further and better to let it go.

Waterboatlass · 16/10/2024 07:32

Apologies for what?

Still not terribly the wiser. The key is to bring it into real life with a suggested informal date. I get the impression you're hoping for a suggestion to chat for a while as this is easier but this isn't a good use of time. Something like 'Hi Jim, how are things? It was nice chatting after being randomly 'meeting' like that. I wondered, if you're still single, would you be interested in a drink?' then go from there. If 'yes', see how things are in person. If any delays or 'no' then leave it.

Canalboat · 16/10/2024 07:39

Waterboatlass · 16/10/2024 07:32

Apologies for what?

Still not terribly the wiser. The key is to bring it into real life with a suggested informal date. I get the impression you're hoping for a suggestion to chat for a while as this is easier but this isn't a good use of time. Something like 'Hi Jim, how are things? It was nice chatting after being randomly 'meeting' like that. I wondered, if you're still single, would you be interested in a drink?' then go from there. If 'yes', see how things are in person. If any delays or 'no' then leave it.

I agree with this

Canalboat · 16/10/2024 07:42

lololulu · 16/10/2024 07:16

@BloodyWolves

What does widowed marine mean?

They are always widowed and often in American army uniform. Pics with their dog and some sort of inspirational quote.

lololulu · 16/10/2024 07:45

@Canalboat So not a marine then if in an army uniform 😂😂

Sorry my husband is a marine and i get defensive when I see it mentioned.

MayaPinion · 16/10/2024 08:00

I really think you should get off that account and block it, never mind trying to arrange a date with some randomer who hasn't been in touch with you for two months. Throw a bucket of cold water over yourself. This whole situation is suspicious.

Sandybeaches5 · 16/10/2024 08:01

First and foremost, you say you know who was behind the fake account, who was it ?
Whoever it was, why would they make a fake account to add you and your friends?

It sounds to me like someone's winding you up (possibly a so called friend ) to see if they can get people (maybe not just yourself) to be intrigued with the unknown man's account, (whose account really belongs to the fake account person) and then watch and read your conversations with the unknown man.

I'm not sure I'm making sense, but basically I think someone's trying to set anyone, who falls for it, up into believing this unknown man's genuine, but really you're having the piss taken out of you as he doesn't even exist.
Ah I need to go back to bed I'm confusing myself!

SisterAgatha · 16/10/2024 08:53

Ok so from the update you’re being set up. All your friends were added, except this man who was seemingly unlinked to you. Well not quite - This person, whoever he is, is somehow linked to your stalker or indeed may be your stalker. I imagine you’d meet him and the person who set up the fake account would be there instead.

@frannygallops has it. Meet a man in real life is my advice, this is all games and mess and going through strangers followers and a recipe for drama.

Spinet · 16/10/2024 09:02

I don't really understand but if it's a scammer they're not going to arrange to meet you for coffee are they. Or if they do they won't turn up and make weird excuses afterwards. If you end up sitting in a café together then you need to take the same precautions you would with any other stranger.

As to the message, pretend to have a flexible to arrange meeting coming up in his neck of the woods and see if he fancies a coffee. Or just say 'Hi me again, just wondered if I could buy you a coffee next weekend' if you don't know where he lives. I don't see the harm as long as you are cautious.

Original poster
BloodyWolves · 16/10/2024 09:19

I really wish people would take things at face value, I don’t think I’m going to be able to explain it’s not a scam without the extra info.

The fake account was an ex who didn’t treat me very well and then had the gall to be upset when I had enough. I suspect he still wanted an ‘in’ to my life and that’s why he made a fake account.

The ‘other’ guy who I added is someone my ex knew and despised. From what he said about it the feeling was very much mutual. They were completely no contact when I was with ex, weren’t friends, related through ex in laws so no reason to still be in contact. My ex never used his name to me, always referred to him as ‘so and so’s brother’ so I didn’t click who he was at first. I suspect my ex was also attempting to stalk him as well due to the grievances they had.

OP posts:
Original poster
BloodyWolves · 16/10/2024 09:21

However, now I’ve explained all of that and put it in black and white… probably not the best idea I’ve ever had! Even if he is gorgeous with great conversation skills and an understanding of how to use punctuation. Something many guys I come across fail at!

OP posts:
MaggieBsBoat · 16/10/2024 09:24

Bearing all your messages in mind, unwound message him. The worst thing is you’ll probably end up married and this will be an amusing anecdote for the wedding!!

pinkdelight · 16/10/2024 09:25

BloodyWolves · 16/10/2024 09:21

However, now I’ve explained all of that and put it in black and white… probably not the best idea I’ve ever had! Even if he is gorgeous with great conversation skills and an understanding of how to use punctuation. Something many guys I come across fail at!

Phew! I totally agree. It's way worse now it's tangled up and tainted through this toxic ex, and it's not even that you don't have any connection with this guy but he's actively the last person you should be pursuing really unless you're dying to exacerbate tension with the nightmare ex. (And honestly you still don't know that this guy isn't a front for him, pretty bizarre that he'd hand you a connection to the very guy he wanted you to avoid, feels more like a sick test that you've failed). Anyway, knock it on the head and forget about it. It's over any way and you'd only be rekindling, which would be asking for trouble.

Sandybeaches5 · 16/10/2024 09:36

If your ex despised this other man, then it makes no sense that he'd have him as a FB friend.
Whichever way you look at it you're being played by someone, it's best to concentrate on real life rather than messaging silly wind up FB accounts.

Growlybear83 · 16/10/2024 09:47

BloodyWolves · 15/10/2024 19:45

I’ve not explained this very well and I’m not sure I can explain it without including the outing details! Never mind! 🤦‍♀️

There are apparently 8 million users on Mumsnet and 700,000 posts each month - I can't begin to imagine what could be so outing that you think someone you know is going to happen to read one thread one one topic! 😆😆 and on the very very unlikely possibility that someone does recognise you, why does it matter? You're hardly confessing to a serious crime 😆