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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

To message complete stranger or not to message… that is literally the question!

83 replies

BloodyWolves · 15/10/2024 19:35

I’ll try and keep this short… basically I want to know whether this is a weird thing to do or not!

So I got a very strange message of a random account on Facebook a few months ago. I don’t want to go into details on this because it’s very outing to anyone who knows me… long story short this account tried adding a lot of people I either knew or had mutual friends with. All except one person, a man who is seemingly completely unconnected to me in anyway.

As insane as this sounds I couldn’t get this guy out of my head. From his pictures I thought he was gorgeous and impulse got the better of me and I added him. I’m not normally one for adding complete strangers may I add! Anyway, he accepted and a few days later I sent him a message totally expecting to be ignored.

To my extreme surprise he replied! He seemed to think I was AI generated at first and possibly attempting to scam him but after we got passed that we had a nice conversation and then nerves got the better of me and I didn’t reply again. I started to worry that he was only replying out of politeness and I felt guilty, like I had ambushed him and he was too nice to ignore me.

I regret this though! I really would have liked to get to know him. It’s been 8 weeks and I can’t get this niggle out of my head! We are still friends on Facebook and he does view my stories. Not that it’s anything to go by really. Anyway, I’m hoping I can get some opinions on whether it would be completely weird to finally reply apologising for the disappearance/delay. Explain that I worried I’d ambushed him and panicked that he was only replying out of politeness and offer my number only if he’s genuinely interested and that there’s no hard feelings if he isn’t.

Am I being crazy?!

OP posts:

TwoLeftSocksWithHoles · 15/10/2024 21:02

'He's not a scammer'

None of them are - to start with...

Original poster

BloodyWolves · 15/10/2024 21:07

Ok, can I ask what the advice would be if I could definitively tell you that he’s not a scammer? I know he’s not but I can’t explain how I know he’s not because I don’t want to be outed on this.

So he’s a real person, not a scammer, what would the advice be?

OP posts:

PuddlesPityParty · 15/10/2024 21:09

Move on.

Gofastboatsmojito · 15/10/2024 21:17

I don't think I'm as cautious / suspicious as the default MN position seems to be but I wanted to say: if you do decide to go for it then fgs don't open your communication by being apologetic and telling him you thought he wouldn't be interested. That just sets you up as a doormat and establishes a dynamic.

Any man should feel he's doing well to have your attention so start from a position of confidence. It's fine to want to get to know him better, if you're contracting him then it's obvious this is because you're interested. Up to you whether you go straight in with a straight forward approach or go slightly more cheeky etc to try and get him to ask you out, but I'd really caution against being too coy or submissive

If he likes you he'll be pleased about a direct approach and say yes. If he's the sort of man who is put off by a confident woman asking a man out then he's no good - simple way to judge a man's character IMO

Waterboatlass · 15/10/2024 21:18

BloodyWolves · 15/10/2024 21:07

So he’s a real person, not a scammer, what would the advice be?

Get in touch, have a quick chat to establish he's interested and single, same day or next ask, him out. That's that. No long online yakking. Waste of time. What's the alternative? Talk to a stranger you've never met indefinitely?

gamerchick · 15/10/2024 21:20

Either shit or get off the pot OP. Ask him if he fancies a facetime chat.

Original poster

BloodyWolves · 15/10/2024 21:26

I’m going to ask… tomorrow. Last time he was interested but he was also genuinely worried I was out to scam him. He said he was interested, asked where about I lived to check if the distance was doable and then said it’s not the closest but not the furthest which could work out to be a really good thing or a really bad thing. I didn’t quite know how to take that.

Any ideas what I could say? My instinct was to go in with apologies but I think the previous poster who pointed out that’s not a good idea is right. I think he needs to feel like he’s getting something good here! Not an anxious, self doubter who doesn’t think she’s good enough!

OP posts:

Allofthelightsss · 15/10/2024 21:29

Drop him a message and ask him for coffee, the worst that could happen is he declines. If you don’t ask, you’ll never know!

Edingril · 15/10/2024 21:31

This all sounds like desperation and none of it sounds healthy I would step away fast

saltysandysea · 15/10/2024 21:38

Ok, can I ask what the advice would be if I could definitively tell you that he’s not a scammer?

Scammers tend to want money or a visa. standard script is they want money, they are stranded somewhere, in a hospital, need to rescue themselves etc. The stories can be convincing and/or elaborate after a lot of love bombing. Don’t give out loads of personal info to begin with. If he wants money run this past a trusted friend for a sense check.

If he is prepared to meet up without want £££ give it a whirl. give it a whirl but keep the spidey senses on alert.

MarshmallowsOnToast · 15/10/2024 21:41

It's worth a shot or you'll always wonder. However, I wouldn't go into the ins and outs of you thinking you've bombarded him.

I'd just keep it short and sweet.

"Hey, how you doing. I know we've not spoken in a while but I've been thinking about you & wondered if you'd be up for meeting for a drink sometime?"

RowdyTiel · 15/10/2024 21:52

This sounds like a Take a Break article waiting to happen.

wwjalme · 15/10/2024 21:54

I don't understand this. Who was the random account? What message did they send? Was the random account this man?
It all sounds really really weird and I can't make head nor tail of it.

He's probably a scammer. Sorry, but it all sounds too good to be true.
Not all scammers are hunky blokes claiming to be orthopaedic surgeons.

Stephanie2018 · 15/10/2024 22:06

I'm confused too?
N

shootingstar1 · 15/10/2024 22:06

I am going to go against the majority here and say message him and take it from there. If he isn't interested then you will be no worse off than you are just now . You have said you dont have any connections with him so there won't be any awkward social situations where you would have to see him again.

I'm also not getting why people think he is a scammer . You added him , you messaged him , and he hasn't pestered you for anything .... just replied to a message you sent him then got into a convo with you . However you don't know this man from Adam so take all the usual necessary precautions. Don't give him your details and meet somewhere public etc.

If he wasn't interested at all then he would never have accepted your friend request or engaged in conversation with you .

MSLRT · 15/10/2024 22:20

You know nothing about this man. You are building a fantasy figure in your mind.

Mischance · 15/10/2024 22:24

Is your life feeling particularly empty at the moment? Are you devoid of personal relationships? Maybe you could fill this hole in a safer and more constructive way?

I think you need to examine why this is playing on your mind. It really is not healthy.

Smidge001 · 15/10/2024 22:25

People think it's a scam because they think:

Real bloke A, wants to scam her. So
Real bloke A sets up a FB profile as fake Bloke B.
Fake bloke B adds her to his list, along with all her friends, AND himself (Real bloke A)
She looks at Fake bloke B's profile, recognises all his friends as her own.... apart from Real Bloke A.
She is intrigued by Real bloke A, and adds him.
Real Bloke A plays dumb for a while, then reels her in.... and now she's trying to meet him for a date, thinking it's all her own idea.

But Fake bloke B and Real bloke A are the same man.

Original poster

BloodyWolves · 15/10/2024 22:37

Not devoid of anything in my life, plenty of friends/ family/ plans! I would like a romantic relationship after the shit show that was my ex but I can’t find someone who seems nice where there’s also a spark.

I know with absolute certainty this man is not the man who set up the strange profile.

I guess it didn’t seem all that crazy as online dating is the norm so sending out a ‘feeler’ to a stranger didn’t seem any more odd than swiping left/right. I guess the difference is people on apps are also looking for the same thing and you know there’s an initial attraction to a photo at least.

OP posts:

Opentooffers · 15/10/2024 23:00

So a fake profile tried to add people you knew already, except this 1 chap. Sounds more like they succeeded rather than tried given that you then looked down the added list and found him.
You are accepting a contact from a stranger that was sent to you from a fake profile account - what could be risky about that? 😂

Icicle90 · 15/10/2024 23:02

@offyoujollywelltrot your comment made me laugh out loud 😂😂

ShowerOfShites · 15/10/2024 23:06

BloodyWolves · 15/10/2024 20:34

@Wibblywobblybobbly The second one in a nutshell! He was the only person on the strange account I didn’t recognise.

So he IS the strange account and he's added the account you're now talking to (friend requested himself).

Either way, it makes him a scammer.

And of course he was 'more worried about you being the scammer', this is how they operate.

SisterAgatha · 15/10/2024 23:13

Sorry, do you mean the random account sent a group message and he was in it, and the only one you didn’t know.

or do you mean you looked through the random accounts friends until you found this man?

the first one seems less like you’re weird

Forevertiredmam · 15/10/2024 23:14

Can’t you just apologise and say you never got notified of his last message on messenger? Or is this an obvious lie maybe? I would just out right ask him if he’s free to meet for a drink, literally nothing to lose!

SisterAgatha · 15/10/2024 23:14

Otherwise how can you know what friend requests this random account has made.

unless you yourself made the fake account.

thats what I’d be asking if I were him.

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