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Original poster

Terrified by abusive ExH suddenly being nice

40 replies

Vvvegan · 15/10/2024 12:11

ExH and I separated 6 years ago. In that time he has made my life and my family's life hell.
Tons of vexatious called to child protection (at least 15 that I know of), for really stupid reasons. Tons of vexatious calls to police also. Talking to the school about my mental health, triangulation, making things very difficult.
He took me to court for contact and it almost broke me; he lied about me so much and forced me to disclose some personal stuff only he knew about. Even my barrister seemed shocked by his behaviour. however DCs live with me and spend time with him.
He has been impossible to co-parent with, we are supposed to have some flexibility to the usual routine to allow DC to spend time family however he always refuses this (e.g. relatives coming from abroad couldn't see DC because he wouldn't swap weekends, even with plenty of notice). He is completely sadistic and antagonistic in his co-parenting, refuses to pay for anything, has fudged his maintenance so it's way less than it should be. Takes ages to reply to emails then says "no".
He loves an argument and is constantly arguing with GP, school, etc. and I think that they are scared of him.
It has totally wrecked my mental health to the point where I've been off sick with stress due to how stressful it is.

Court said we couldn't go back till 2 years had passed. That is up in December. I am sure he will ask for 50/50 even though DCs do not want this. They are scared of him and don't like seeing him.

In last few weeks he's suddenly changed in his communication. He's saying please and thank you. Offering to drop off equipment. Offering to help out with other things. He also has a new partner, I don't know if this is also the reason for this complete 180.

I am absolutely terrified by him being nice. It is so triggering as he was 'nice' when we got together then became steadily more unpleasant. Pressuring me into sex, staying out late, drinking like an alcoholic, financially extremely controlling, threatening me with violence (he only grabbed me once but the fear was there)

PLEASE - how do I deal with this? I am so terrified every time he messages. I have kept my messages curt but polite, as I have always done. I don't know what to do. I know he is plotting something I just don't know what

OP posts:
ComingBackHome · 15/10/2024 12:17

Probably trying to build up a nice trace of him looking all nice and reasonable so you can’t say he is awful.

How old are the dcs now? Will they views be taken re ‘living with dad’ into account now?

Dollybantree · 15/10/2024 12:18

My instinct is that now he’s met someone else he’s moved on from tormenting you and will focus his energy on her instead. Hopefully that’s the case anyway. She will obviously have no idea what she’s dealing with poor thing.

He sounds like a narc, and narcs usually drop the object of their attention (you) once they’ve found a shiny new plaything.

Im shocked that your kids are forced to go to visit him if they’ve made it clear they’re scared of him - that’s horrendous - can’t you get SS involved? You need to do everything you can to protect them from him.

RevelryMum · 15/10/2024 12:20

I agree he is laying the foundation for when things are being reassessed and is making sure he will look good.

Swanbeauty · 15/10/2024 12:29

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

Andwhatfreshhellisthis · 15/10/2024 12:33

Don’t trust him. Respond neutrally and pleasantly but do not give him head space.

MrSeptember · 15/10/2024 12:37

He also has a new partner, I don't know if this is also the reason for this complete 180.

100% this. Basically, he's told her that he's a brilliant father, you're the crazy ex etc. Now he has to "show her" how reasonable and fabulous he is. He may well ALSo take this a step further and attempt to get more time with the DC because of course, he needs to look good to her (plus he's probably thinking she'll take on the childcare burden).

Continue with the grey rock, basic comms. Accept whatever you need to accept to make your/your children's lives easier, but don't do or accept anything beyond that. See if he's already introducing DC to partner and how much childcare she will be doing. If and when he then applies for more contact in due course, you still have the years of shitty and inflexible behaviour to fall back on. Plus one assumes your children are old enough to have some say.

IrishTwinsAt40 · 15/10/2024 12:58

He’s a narcissist. He has proven that with his vindictive behaviour towards you. Now he has someone new he is trying to impress her by pretending to be a good father and Co parent so she doesn’t see who he really is and probably making you out to be the problem. If your children don’t want to spend time with him and are scared of him then they don’t have to. They get a say once they are old enough. You have evidence in messages, emails, malicious accusations and detrimental effects to your mental health. Him being “nice” for a couple of months doesn’t change that. Stay strong OP and continue to be the best parent to your children.

Original poster
Vvvegan · 15/10/2024 14:45

Thank you all so much for your messages. I really truly appreciate.

He's been with the new woman nearly a year, she has kids of her own. He has made our DC hang out with new woman's kids, and new woman's friends who also have kids, it has all been very intense. DCs aren't happy about it but it's like he is forcing this blended family. I don't know how much he sees her / her kids when our DC aren't with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vvvegan · 15/10/2024 14:49

I hope and pray that he doesn't get 50/50; DC have been very clear and consistent they do not want this. I agree that he maybe laying foundations for the family court.
Older DC is 11 - is that old enough to have a say in family court???
Younger one is 7 - they definitely won't listen to what the little one's wishes and feelings are?! even though DC refuses to go to school when their dad is collecting them and repeatedly says I want my mummy when at school.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vvvegan · 15/10/2024 14:52

Social services are aware... they opened 2 safeguarding against my ex all though they closed them without it progressing to anything more than a cursory glance.
I think that social services just see us as a couple of weirdos who don't like each other and keep reporting each other (even though the safeguarding didn't come from me, they came about from when they contacted me because he reported me and I gave my side of the story). They see it as "he said / she said" which is very unfair

OP posts:
BigSmallFigBall · 15/10/2024 14:53

Sounds like he is laying the foundation for family court

Family court loves any dad who shows interest in their children and defaults to 50/50 nearly always.

Good luck, OP

Original poster
Vvvegan · 15/10/2024 14:54

IrishTwinsAt40 · 15/10/2024 12:58

He’s a narcissist. He has proven that with his vindictive behaviour towards you. Now he has someone new he is trying to impress her by pretending to be a good father and Co parent so she doesn’t see who he really is and probably making you out to be the problem. If your children don’t want to spend time with him and are scared of him then they don’t have to. They get a say once they are old enough. You have evidence in messages, emails, malicious accusations and detrimental effects to your mental health. Him being “nice” for a couple of months doesn’t change that. Stay strong OP and continue to be the best parent to your children.

Thanks you. I feel totally broken at this point due to years of this post-separation abuse.

I do truly believe that he is someone with narcissistic personality disorder. I know it gets thrown around a lot but he is totally beyond the pale.

OP posts:
BigSmallFigBall · 15/10/2024 14:54

Vvvegan · 15/10/2024 14:52

Social services are aware... they opened 2 safeguarding against my ex all though they closed them without it progressing to anything more than a cursory glance.
I think that social services just see us as a couple of weirdos who don't like each other and keep reporting each other (even though the safeguarding didn't come from me, they came about from when they contacted me because he reported me and I gave my side of the story). They see it as "he said / she said" which is very unfair

The court doesn't care about Social Services involvement, especially the type you have described.

Children's preferences are also not really considered relevant.

Sorry. I know it's really hard.

Original poster
Vvvegan · 15/10/2024 14:59

BigSmallFigBall · 15/10/2024 14:53

Sounds like he is laying the foundation for family court

Family court loves any dad who shows interest in their children and defaults to 50/50 nearly always.

Good luck, OP

This is a terrifying prospect they will be very unhappy if it goes to 50/50 they want to see as little of him as possible, as he isn't very nice to them 😪

Also if it goes to 50/50 we will have to split up money and there is no way he will pay for swimming lessons etc. And all their other hobbies. Or their clothes etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vvvegan · 15/10/2024 15:01

Is there no age at which family court take their children's wishes into consideration?

I do think he is laying the foundations on early. He is a very cunning person

OP posts:
Reugny · 15/10/2024 15:04

Vvvegan · 15/10/2024 15:01

Is there no age at which family court take their children's wishes into consideration?

I do think he is laying the foundations on early. He is a very cunning person

It depends on the judge/magistrates.

Some judges will listen to a 10 year old while others won't listen until a child reaches 13.

If your 11 year old child is in secondary school convince them that their tutor/pastoral care will listen to them if they have any family issues so they need to talk to them about how they feel. Some CAFCASS officers will talk to the school others won't.

Some judges will read would CAFCASS put down while others won't.

Is your 11 year old physically bigger than you yet? As it helps your argument that you cannot force them to go anywhere.

MrSeptember · 15/10/2024 15:15

Vvvegan · 15/10/2024 15:01

Is there no age at which family court take their children's wishes into consideration?

I do think he is laying the foundations on early. He is a very cunning person

on the plus side, if he is as narcissistic as you say, the chances are that the effort involved in being this "nice" will be too hard for him to maintain. I also think it's unlikely he actually wants 50/50. What he wants is his new partner to see him trying and being a good dad so that he can hoover her in AND so that he can portray you as the crazy ex.

In the short term, I would make sure you have a full list of what he has/has not provided, how much he has the children etc. Include details of things the children have missed out on because he's refused to allow it during his time. Do not allow any additional time if he asks for it.

If and when he then goes to court, I would hope that yu can then show that a) this is coming after years of him NOT stepping up and b) that 50/50 would be way too significant an increase from whatever the existing option is and c) you could ask the court whether or not, if he gets 50/50, he would also have to support the children's extra curriculars during their time both from a practical and financial perspective. I think that it's a lot easier to get away with, "well, I only see the children EOW and on Wednesdays so I'm not going to do swimming or hockey or whatever" than it is if he wants them 50/50.

BestEffort · 15/10/2024 15:49

I knew reading that he had a new partner. My abusive ex gets nice when he has a new partner. He needs to look like his story of the crazy ex is accurate

gamerchick · 15/10/2024 15:52

Well at least you've been alerted that he's up to something OP just stay on guard. He can not keep this facade up. Start logging again if you ever stopped so you're ready.**

I'm sorry this is happening. One good thing is kids grow up and make their own minds up.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/10/2024 16:08

Vvvegan · 15/10/2024 14:49

I hope and pray that he doesn't get 50/50; DC have been very clear and consistent they do not want this. I agree that he maybe laying foundations for the family court.
Older DC is 11 - is that old enough to have a say in family court???
Younger one is 7 - they definitely won't listen to what the little one's wishes and feelings are?! even though DC refuses to go to school when their dad is collecting them and repeatedly says I want my mummy when at school.

Omg he sounds just like my baby's father who also wants 50/50 despite not yet having done an overnight. Thanks for the examples of the bad stuff he has done - this has made me feel prepared for what's ahead. I read a book called how to annihilate a narcissist in the family court, which was helpful.
The 11 year old is nearly old enough to be listened to - by the time Court happens then they'll be old enough to be listened to and they should separate siblings. Especially if they both say no to wanting more overnights.

I think he is-

  1. Trying to show the new woman what a nice great coparent he is. He is also probably showing her 'crazy' messages you sent him years ago.
  2. Wanting a favour eg change of weekends from you.
  3. Planning asking for more time and wants to try to show that he can coparent reasonably.
  4. Trying to scare you.
  5. Momentarily happier as he's in the honeymoon period so has less hate to direct at you.
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 15/10/2024 16:09

Do you have any evidence that he will not pay for their clothes or activities? If not then get it

Original poster
Vvvegan · 15/10/2024 17:14

I have a few messages saying "that's what I pay you maintenence for" when I've asked for contributions to new school bags etc.
The maintenence gets swallowed up so fast on activities which he sometimes takes them to, but doesn't pay for, it doesn't even begin to cover day-to-day expenses.
He has also cost me a lot of money (£80kish) in regards to the house

I have actually swapped weekends and half term days etc. when he has asked me to, as (1) that's what we are supposed to do and (2) it means they can do nice things with him

OP posts:
Lovelyaryan · 15/10/2024 17:28

FOLLOWING

b0zza1 · 15/10/2024 18:18

https://www.instagram.com/p/DBHVyMQMtiS/?igsh=Nzk3cG45dTA1M2Zj

I recommend following Dr Proudman, though her book is not out for a while

Instagram

https://www.instagram.com/p/DBHVyMQMtiS?igsh=Nzk3cG45dTA1M2Zj

b0zza1 · 15/10/2024 18:19

Screenshot attached

Terrified by abusive ExH suddenly being nice