Terrified by abusive ExH suddenly being nice

[Vvvegan]

ExH and I separated 6 years ago. In that time he has made my life and my family's life hell.
Tons of vexatious called to child protection (at least 15 that I know of), for really stupid reasons. Tons of vexatious calls to police also. Talking to the school about my mental health, triangulation, making things very difficult.
He took me to court for contact and it almost broke me; he lied about me so much and forced me to disclose some personal stuff only he knew about. Even my barrister seemed shocked by his behaviour. however DCs live with me and spend time with him.
He has been impossible to co-parent with, we are supposed to have some flexibility to the usual routine to allow DC to spend time family however he always refuses this (e.g. relatives coming from abroad couldn't see DC because he wouldn't swap weekends, even with plenty of notice). He is completely sadistic and antagonistic in his co-parenting, refuses to pay for anything, has fudged his maintenance so it's way less than it should be. Takes ages to reply to emails then says "no".
He loves an argument and is constantly arguing with GP, school, etc. and I think that they are scared of him.
It has totally wrecked my mental health to the point where I've been off sick with stress due to how stressful it is.

Court said we couldn't go back till 2 years had passed. That is up in December. I am sure he will ask for 50/50 even though DCs do not want this. They are scared of him and don't like seeing him.

In last few weeks he's suddenly changed in his communication. He's saying please and thank you. Offering to drop off equipment. Offering to help out with other things. He also has a new partner, I don't know if this is also the reason for this complete 180.

I am absolutely terrified by him being nice. It is so triggering as he was 'nice' when we got together then became steadily more unpleasant. Pressuring me into sex, staying out late, drinking like an alcoholic, financially extremely controlling, threatening me with violence (he only grabbed me once but the fear was there)

PLEASE - how do I deal with this? I am so terrified every time he messages. I have kept my messages curt but polite, as I have always done. I don't know what to do. I know he is plotting something I just don't know what

I am sure he has spent lots of time telling the new girlfriend how crazy I am - he has kept whatsapp texts etc. from years and taken them completely out of context to 'prove' I am mentally unwell and an unfit mother.

This is why I am so scared - I know what he is capable of and how easily he can manipulate professionals
💀

If you do end up back in family court op if advice having a conversation with your kids about what is decided there. And make sure you tell them you have no power to stop 50/50 that decision is made by court based on lots of things but they will speak to the children and it's important they are honest about how they feel and what they want. Otherwise court can't make a decision based on that. Be VERY careful not to lead them or tell them to say they don't want more time with dad. You need to phrase it neutral so phrasing it "how you feel" "what you want" "how much time you want with dad/mum" let your children put the negative in not you. Just make sure they understand it has to come from them because you have to do as court decide. And really stress you love them and will love them no matter what they say even if they do want more time with dad. And then after they have spoken to caffcass be sure to tell them that no matter what nothing is their fault (because even with kids saying they don't want to see dad the court usually force it regardless so you don't want the kids to take that to mean they failed).

There is also the chance this is him moving on. My ex was utterly hell and used contact to continue his abuse towards me. He would turn nice for a time when he got a new partner so he could paint me as the crazy ex stopping him seeing his kids blah blah blah but now his 'new' partner has a child. He lives in her house while she works and she parents my kids when they are there (which actually has drastically improved things for my kids!). I know ex was being investigated at work when I met him because his "crazy ex" was making accusations about him harassing her at work, I know he'd been arrested for harassment out of work etc- stupidly I believed him when we got together because I never saw any of that behaviour but the truth is he stopped that behaviour and focused on wearing my boundaries down and prepping me to be his new meal ticket and victim. It's a pattern these men have. Horrible as it is to admit it but that poor woman and her young child becoming his next victim was the best thing for my children as his abusive focus is now directed elsewhere. He cancels contact half the time now (child maintenance is based on the court order so he pays less maintenance than he should based on the contact he actually has) maybe this is what your ex is doing.

It's all an act for the new girlfriend. Don't react to it. Grey rock. This was my ex. I was suddenly the crazy ex alienating him from his child who he abandoned and he was forced to drag me through court etc etc. It's a mask. I feel sorry for her in some ways. He'll be onto ruining her life next.

I feel very sorry for her as he is clearly putting on an act with new haircut, facial hair, even his wardrobe is different. The last few relationships ended very suddenly and I am sure this one will too if the new lady senses he is being fake. I guess it depends on how long he can keep up the act?

The forced blended family thing is really upsetting my kids as it too soon for family holidays and Xmas spent together

Thank u so much for this and I am So sorry you have an awful ex as well.

I thank you especially for advice regarding saying it is not their fault if it goes to 50/50.my older DC asked me the other day about last round of court and I explained they might speak to a social worker, they didn't realise that this happened last time and when I explained they said that they want to speak to one again "immediately" to rectify situation.

There is a chance ex may have a baby with new partner. He is still within the age range to have a baby (I am not passing judgement I just mean he is at an age where if he had another kid it would not be unusual) and new girlfriend is younger than me.

When we got together we had a baby very quickly, he also moved into my (rented) house, he paid minimal rent, then his car broke so he started to use mine.. All within about 6 months. Always pressure to become more coupley.

I can see NOW that this was love bombing. And he was always talking about his crazy ex how she was emotionally abusive etc. Everyone felt sorry for him as he was such a nice guy! And he was nice, for a time. His behaviour got worse after the baby was born he was controlling, obsessed with baby being breastfed (I had to hide formula round the house), I did all the housework, I was told I was messy, not doing enough, isolated from friends he would always insist on coming along to any social event or engineer it so I couldn't go then he started to become more and more scary

1 is old enough I think???? but scared of him so I think they say they don't want to see Dad but then they don't want to get in trouble. When they both refused to go to Dad one time as they had the flu when he next saw them he had a massive go at them and was really angry.
1 is still little although more feisty! But too young to be listened to in family court I THINK

It's the inflexibility that kills me, DC have missed out on so much most notably relatives visiting

Your oldest one can be listened to in Family Court but it depends on what court officials they get on the day.

It would help if your older one starts talking to other professionals e.g. school especially if they are in secondary school about you all.

I am stating this in neutral terms as you mustn't tell your DC to just talk to school or whoever about their father.

Edited to add: their father is a wanker and on his way to alienate his children if they kindly refuse to visit him to ensure his household doesn't get their illness and put up with them being ill around them. When each one reaches 14 he won't be able to force either of them to visit him though if they get the right court officials it maybe before that.

You need to stop being terrified of him and stick up for yourself. Easier said than done but its important for your kids and for your future. The GPs etc cowering because you cower under him as well. They need atleast one parent on their side to argue for DCs best interest

It would be great if the kids get phones with cameras to record dad’s behaviour.

That could very easily blow up in the OP's face.

You have to be careful how you record other people and use the info in English courts. And getting a child to do it is seen as a no no.

It's actually better for the older one to be more confident in being able to say to people what they do and don't want plus who they don't and do want to see with clear reasons why.

I know people whose ex could have run to Court when their children 11+ didn't want to see them. Those with a sensible ex left it. Most were not rewarded with their child wanting to see them again under the age of 18 but a few did.

@floppyelf I do appreciate the suggestion but honestly if DCs were to start to recording him I honestly think it would just be useful as evidence of parental alienation, which he has already gone to social services about and no doubt will soon be using against me in the Family Court. I know it has largely been debased as a theory but also some judges etc still take it very seriously and I have read some horror stories about kids being taken from their safe parent and forced to live with their toxic parent due to such allegations
Also I think if he was recorded he would just delete the recording if it was discovered and the DC would get into trouble for it

Thats not to say I am alienating the DC. I am trying to make it so it is nice for them bur their father / my ex is pretty much isolating himself!

According to what I’ve been told my my solicitor due to my DS clearly becoming distressed when he goes to his dad’s (and he’s only 4) there is no minimum age that they take children’s wishes into consideration, they just place less weight on it the younger the child. So definitely with your 11 yo I would have thought, there’d be a lot of weight placed on his wishes

Hes got a new gf and she is messaging on his behalf