I would really like to get someone else’s viewpoint on my situation and hear any advice they may have….
My husband and I have been together 11 years (married for 8) and have 2 children. I’m an extrovert, positive, sociable, enjoy doing fun things with the children etc and have about half a dozen close friends and lots more friends who I talk to less frequently.
My husband is the opposite to me, he is quite introvert, negative about most things, feels like he’s hard done by a lot of the time and not particularly sociable. I knew he was like this when I met him but we got on well and I thought he might lighten up a bit as time goes on but I feel like it’s just got worse.
Just to note - we both had similar (ish) backgrounds from a class / monetary perspective. He went to private school, I went to state school. My family do have more than his family so when he acts like he is better than everyone there is no reason whatsoever for him to think that!
He is always putting my family down, saying that they are rough/common (which they absolutely aren’t), or that they don’t deserve what they have, they haven’t worked hard enough for it, they are common etc etc. Some of them he says “I literally can’t stand them, their common voice and cackling”. He makes no effort with them whatsoever and on the few occasions he does have to speak to them he’s very cold and uninviting and often makes them feel uncomfortable, even when he is like this they will always try and Include him in conversations and make him feel comfortable.
He’s always rude about other people too (including infront of our children) this could literally be about someone cycling on a footpath or driving slow/ pulling out in front of us…. He either gets angry, holds the horn down, calls them names, says they are stupid etc etc he will also make comments about people he perceives to be ‘rough’ being in a nice restaurant or joining our children’s school. If anyone ever asks me to do something for them as a favour, which isn’t often, he will be really cross. As an example, a friend could ask if I could pick their child up from school as their other child has an appointment they need to take them to. He would say “why should you do that for them, I wouldn’t ask someone to do that for me, its their kid, tell them to sort it out”…. Then it always bubbles down to “you don’t do anything for me but you’ll always do something for someone else”…. I know that I have friends that I could always ask to help me out and I would always do the same in return, I would never think anything of them asking and would always help them if I could!
He makes very little effort to talk to anyone, he has no friends of his own, he doesn’t talk to most of my friends as he “can’t stand them, they are so common” he also says this infront of our children and to me. If I’m just talking to them on the phone, once I’m off he’s mean about them and to me for talking to them so I normally try and speak to friends when I’m out so I don’t have to listen to him say things like “I don’t know why you waste you effort listening to their dramas in their sad lives” he will often then go on to say I never have time for him which is completely untrue, I am with my family all the time, I barely do anything without them!! I hardly see my friend at all anymore as he’d always make it so uncomfortable that I just don’t bother (he’d never “stop” me, so I can’t say he’s stopped me but basically he has) I used to speak and see them when he was at work but now he works from home so I’m almost always with him!
I know the above makes him sound awful… which he is when he’s like that but he does have good qualities too and I don’t want to leave him and split our family up but my question is, will he ever change??? If I mention this to him he thinks I’m completely out of order, we have a massive argument and he tells me that I’m the one with a problem, I’m a horrible person etc etc. I have tried to help him by introducing him to friends, arranging family days out with other families so he has dads to talk to but I don’t know what more I can do. I thought maybe if he had some friends he might be kinder all round. He did go to counciling for a few months about 7 years ago which did help quite a lot but then he was like “I don’t need waste my money on someone telling me this, that and the other” so he stopped.
Is there any hope? Any advice / tips?
Thanks if you’ve read this far ❤️