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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help!!!! Will he ever change?

46 replies

RosePeer · 15/10/2024 11:13

I would really like to get someone else’s viewpoint on my situation and hear any advice they may have….

My husband and I have been together 11 years (married for 8) and have 2 children. I’m an extrovert, positive, sociable, enjoy doing fun things with the children etc and have about half a dozen close friends and lots more friends who I talk to less frequently.

My husband is the opposite to me, he is quite introvert, negative about most things, feels like he’s hard done by a lot of the time and not particularly sociable. I knew he was like this when I met him but we got on well and I thought he might lighten up a bit as time goes on but I feel like it’s just got worse.

Just to note - we both had similar (ish) backgrounds from a class / monetary perspective. He went to private school, I went to state school. My family do have more than his family so when he acts like he is better than everyone there is no reason whatsoever for him to think that!

He is always putting my family down, saying that they are rough/common (which they absolutely aren’t), or that they don’t deserve what they have, they haven’t worked hard enough for it, they are common etc etc. Some of them he says “I literally can’t stand them, their common voice and cackling”. He makes no effort with them whatsoever and on the few occasions he does have to speak to them he’s very cold and uninviting and often makes them feel uncomfortable, even when he is like this they will always try and Include him in conversations and make him feel comfortable.

He’s always rude about other people too (including infront of our children) this could literally be about someone cycling on a footpath or driving slow/ pulling out in front of us…. He either gets angry, holds the horn down, calls them names, says they are stupid etc etc he will also make comments about people he perceives to be ‘rough’ being in a nice restaurant or joining our children’s school. If anyone ever asks me to do something for them as a favour, which isn’t often, he will be really cross. As an example, a friend could ask if I could pick their child up from school as their other child has an appointment they need to take them to. He would say “why should you do that for them, I wouldn’t ask someone to do that for me, its their kid, tell them to sort it out”…. Then it always bubbles down to “you don’t do anything for me but you’ll always do something for someone else”…. I know that I have friends that I could always ask to help me out and I would always do the same in return, I would never think anything of them asking and would always help them if I could!

He makes very little effort to talk to anyone, he has no friends of his own, he doesn’t talk to most of my friends as he “can’t stand them, they are so common” he also says this infront of our children and to me. If I’m just talking to them on the phone, once I’m off he’s mean about them and to me for talking to them so I normally try and speak to friends when I’m out so I don’t have to listen to him say things like “I don’t know why you waste you effort listening to their dramas in their sad lives” he will often then go on to say I never have time for him which is completely untrue, I am with my family all the time, I barely do anything without them!! I hardly see my friend at all anymore as he’d always make it so uncomfortable that I just don’t bother (he’d never “stop” me, so I can’t say he’s stopped me but basically he has) I used to speak and see them when he was at work but now he works from home so I’m almost always with him!

I know the above makes him sound awful… which he is when he’s like that but he does have good qualities too and I don’t want to leave him and split our family up but my question is, will he ever change??? If I mention this to him he thinks I’m completely out of order, we have a massive argument and he tells me that I’m the one with a problem, I’m a horrible person etc etc. I have tried to help him by introducing him to friends, arranging family days out with other families so he has dads to talk to but I don’t know what more I can do. I thought maybe if he had some friends he might be kinder all round. He did go to counciling for a few months about 7 years ago which did help quite a lot but then he was like “I don’t need waste my money on someone telling me this, that and the other” so he stopped.

Is there any hope? Any advice / tips?

Thanks if you’ve read this far ❤️

OP posts:
Original poster
RosePeer · 15/10/2024 14:45

Mydogsleftearishalfcocked · 15/10/2024 13:39

Oh op 🥲 I feel really sad for you reading that!

It doesn’t sound like he is open to any self reflection at all. He sounds very depressed or angry or both. Like he is damaged in some way. It’s like he almost wants his life to be a self-fulfilling prophecy of misery, distrust and blame 🥲

I wonder what his reaction would be if he saw your description of him in your op? Would he acknowledge any of it? Or is it too “emotionally dangerous” for him to really look at himself. He is protecting his own image of himself massively isn’t he to make himself feel superior, hence the really corrosive snobbery about your family. It’s so unkind. I couldn’t live with it I’m afraid.

What age are your DCs op? I am sure you are considering his influence on them when thinking about the future. He doesn’t sound like a great role model tbh. And more than that, they need a cheerful and positive mother, not one weighed down by a miserable relationship.

Edited

@Mydogsleftearishalfcocked thanks for reply! DC are 3 & 6 and I know it isn’t good for them, sometimes they will repeat something he’s said and it literally makes my so sad! It just so difficult as I know they’d both miss him, our life, house etc so much (equally I know we shouldn’t stay for those reasons)

Your question did make me think about this…. If he read this his reaction would probably be something along the lines of “(laughing) I see you didn’t write about how lazy or horrible you are to me” or something nasty like that, he would ignore all the content and focus on me! 😢

He can be nice which is the frustrating part and that is the bit I wish we could see more of but i think the people on this post are right…. He will get worse!

OP posts:
Bachboo · 15/10/2024 14:48

If you continue to tolerate his behaviour he won’t change. It’s time for a conversation with him.

BobbyBiscuits · 15/10/2024 14:56

It sounds like he 'enjoys' moaning about everyone and everything. Is he suffering from depression?
Does he have a personality disorder? I'm not saying that to be rude. But if someone has BPD for example they can seem quite negative, introverted and stubborn at times.
If he does change I'd imagine it would only be temporary. Unless there's a clinical reason and he might find relief with medication, but he might not want to change.

unsync · 15/10/2024 14:57

Unfortunately you can't expect him to change, certainly not for the better. He is likely to get worse as he ages and becomes more set in his ways. Is this what you want for you and your children? You have some soul searching and decisions to make.

Mydogsleftearishalfcocked · 15/10/2024 15:35

RosePeer · 15/10/2024 14:45

@Mydogsleftearishalfcocked thanks for reply! DC are 3 & 6 and I know it isn’t good for them, sometimes they will repeat something he’s said and it literally makes my so sad! It just so difficult as I know they’d both miss him, our life, house etc so much (equally I know we shouldn’t stay for those reasons)

Your question did make me think about this…. If he read this his reaction would probably be something along the lines of “(laughing) I see you didn’t write about how lazy or horrible you are to me” or something nasty like that, he would ignore all the content and focus on me! 😢

He can be nice which is the frustrating part and that is the bit I wish we could see more of but i think the people on this post are right…. He will get worse!

Show quote history

I'm afraid to say, because I am not usually in the ltb camp, but that really sounds like the death knell when someone turns any criticism around and back on to you. You can't really progress positively from that can you?

I'm so sorry that you have this awful decision to make op, but your dc are so young, perhaps it will be slightly easier to go now than later on? I know that's easy to say bc there is nothing easy about this situation at all.

In your shoes, I think very sadly I would be getting my ducks in a row and then going away with him for a few days if possible, without the dc, and trying to having one last serious discussion. Then you can be satisfied in your own mind, and for your DC, that you tried everything you could to find a resolution.

List all of the things you love about him. And list your own faults too. And then tell him the things that you are really struggling with. And make it clear as kindly and calmly as possible that they are deal-breakers for you and that you are setting a boundary.

Stick to "I" statements as this is not an ultimatum conversation saying "you do this or I will leave", it's more "I find these things very challenging to live with and I am wrestling with the fact that they are becoming a deal- breaker for me. I'm sorry but that is the reality I am confronting etc. "

Icanttakethisanymore · 15/10/2024 15:41

People don't really change. Their behaviour can change to some extent but we are who we are. He sounds mean spirited and arrogant.

Haroldwilson · 15/10/2024 16:09

If you were thinking of leaving, have a watertight plan and finances in order etc because that's not someone who would play nice in divorce proceedings, I'd imagine

Nanny0gg · 15/10/2024 16:13

If you stay, be prepared to be acutely embarrassed when one of your DC is rude to someone's face with comments that your husband could have made

PaininthePreferbial · 15/10/2024 18:53

He can be nice which is the frustrating part and that is the bit I wish we could see more of

@RosePeer that is what he uses to keep you putting up with the bad stuff, which is the real him. Those little nuggets of niceness which were big chunks at the beginning get smaller and smaller until all that's left are whatever little 'treats' he feels are necessary to keep you dancing to his tune, even if you are on your knees by then, which you will be eventually Flowers

permanently · 15/10/2024 19:06

You have described my exH to a T!!

You are not there to fix him/agree with him/restrict your life/be his emotional carer.

Own up to your error of marrying an entitled, chronically low self esteemed person and tell him how you will show him how he could change, for the sake of his family. You love him.

If he tells you no, make plans to leave. He is probably damaged beyond repair X

MyCatHatesSandals · 15/10/2024 19:08

No. Never.

Doingmybest12 · 15/10/2024 19:17

He can change if he sees a need to change and is willing to do the hard work. Frankly he sounds like an unpleasant person and not one I'd want want to spend my life with.

Terrribletwos · 15/10/2024 19:18

@RosePeer

But you say he can be nice. But he is obviously not nice if you're original post is to be believed. So he has obviously got you doubting your feelings and sense of reality. So go back to your original post. This is what you said and believed. Is this still what you believe?

Megamooch · 15/10/2024 19:25

My DH is similar but not quite a bad. I think the being mean about other people is due to low self esteem.

also have you looked into Boarding School Syndrome. I think my DH has been damaged and has attachment issues due to that

Itiswhysofew · 15/10/2024 19:39

He could change the way he behaves, which would obviously take a huge amount of effort. This would eventually affect the way he thinks, to be more positive.

If he doesn't make changes, why would you want to stay with him? Maybe you should tell him to leave and not come back until he's more respectful of you, your family, and everyone else he can't abide; that's a lot of people.

AmICrazyToEvenBother · 15/10/2024 19:41

RosePeer · 15/10/2024 11:13

I would really like to get someone else’s viewpoint on my situation and hear any advice they may have….

My husband and I have been together 11 years (married for 8) and have 2 children. I’m an extrovert, positive, sociable, enjoy doing fun things with the children etc and have about half a dozen close friends and lots more friends who I talk to less frequently.

My husband is the opposite to me, he is quite introvert, negative about most things, feels like he’s hard done by a lot of the time and not particularly sociable. I knew he was like this when I met him but we got on well and I thought he might lighten up a bit as time goes on but I feel like it’s just got worse.

Just to note - we both had similar (ish) backgrounds from a class / monetary perspective. He went to private school, I went to state school. My family do have more than his family so when he acts like he is better than everyone there is no reason whatsoever for him to think that!

He is always putting my family down, saying that they are rough/common (which they absolutely aren’t), or that they don’t deserve what they have, they haven’t worked hard enough for it, they are common etc etc. Some of them he says “I literally can’t stand them, their common voice and cackling”. He makes no effort with them whatsoever and on the few occasions he does have to speak to them he’s very cold and uninviting and often makes them feel uncomfortable, even when he is like this they will always try and Include him in conversations and make him feel comfortable.

He’s always rude about other people too (including infront of our children) this could literally be about someone cycling on a footpath or driving slow/ pulling out in front of us…. He either gets angry, holds the horn down, calls them names, says they are stupid etc etc he will also make comments about people he perceives to be ‘rough’ being in a nice restaurant or joining our children’s school. If anyone ever asks me to do something for them as a favour, which isn’t often, he will be really cross. As an example, a friend could ask if I could pick their child up from school as their other child has an appointment they need to take them to. He would say “why should you do that for them, I wouldn’t ask someone to do that for me, its their kid, tell them to sort it out”…. Then it always bubbles down to “you don’t do anything for me but you’ll always do something for someone else”…. I know that I have friends that I could always ask to help me out and I would always do the same in return, I would never think anything of them asking and would always help them if I could!

He makes very little effort to talk to anyone, he has no friends of his own, he doesn’t talk to most of my friends as he “can’t stand them, they are so common” he also says this infront of our children and to me. If I’m just talking to them on the phone, once I’m off he’s mean about them and to me for talking to them so I normally try and speak to friends when I’m out so I don’t have to listen to him say things like “I don’t know why you waste you effort listening to their dramas in their sad lives” he will often then go on to say I never have time for him which is completely untrue, I am with my family all the time, I barely do anything without them!! I hardly see my friend at all anymore as he’d always make it so uncomfortable that I just don’t bother (he’d never “stop” me, so I can’t say he’s stopped me but basically he has) I used to speak and see them when he was at work but now he works from home so I’m almost always with him!

I know the above makes him sound awful… which he is when he’s like that but he does have good qualities too and I don’t want to leave him and split our family up but my question is, will he ever change??? If I mention this to him he thinks I’m completely out of order, we have a massive argument and he tells me that I’m the one with a problem, I’m a horrible person etc etc. I have tried to help him by introducing him to friends, arranging family days out with other families so he has dads to talk to but I don’t know what more I can do. I thought maybe if he had some friends he might be kinder all round. He did go to counciling for a few months about 7 years ago which did help quite a lot but then he was like “I don’t need waste my money on someone telling me this, that and the other” so he stopped.

Is there any hope? Any advice / tips?

Thanks if you’ve read this far ❤️

Jesus Christ he sounds insufferable. How cam you live with someone like this? Why is he so miserable and judgemental?

WithnailOnTour · 15/10/2024 19:44

He won’t change. Do you want his negativity to poison your kids’ lives?

Leave.

TheDogHasFarted · 15/10/2024 19:45

My husband has narcissistic personality disorder and behaves in the ways you have described (as well as other toxic little head fucks and mind games of course). Deflection, avoiding accountability and the DARVO that you have described, along with disliking your family and friends and making it difficult for you to maintain relationships with them, are all things I have experienced with my husband. It sounds like you may be feeling confused and beginning to doubt your own reality in the relationship too 🚩.

No, your husband won't get better in my opinion and if you should have a life change like, heaven forbid, a serious illness/accident or lose your job so you are dependent on him, he will probably get a hell of a lot worse.

YourSpleenIsDamp · 15/10/2024 19:54

I left my FXH who sounds like yours. Life has been so much better since then (now eight years ago and no regrets) without him just sitting there in the corner sucking all the joy it of everything in life. Kids and I have fun, love, and so much laughter now - even the tougher times haven't been as tough as they used to be with him dragging me down. Kids are happier and more settled too. FXH and I never argued but I think the constant gloom of him affected all of us more than I realised at the time. Only regret is not getting rid sooner.

Gamezup · 15/10/2024 20:31

I doubt he will ever change. His behaviour is of a very insecure person deep down with a narcissistic personality disorder. It must be like walking on eggshells. Don't know how you can continue coping with it so get your ducks in a row!

CheekyHobson · 15/10/2024 20:58

He sounds like an absolute cock, frankly.

He doesn't like your family, he doesn't like your friends, he doesn't have friends of his own, he denigrates complete strangers and he doesn't even particularly seem to like you.

I'm baffled as to why you think staying with him is a better option than leaving. It sounds absolutely fucking miserable.

He's not going to change, he clearly thinks he's in the right and better than everyone else. Stay if you want to but you'll be the author of your own misery, and that of your kids. You're kidding yourself if you don't think they're next to get lashed by his tongue.

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