Moving to Fiances country - his family spend xmas eve, xmas, NYD together?

[dublinderby34]

I will be moving to my fiances country soon. We have been together for 4 years. He has a large family that he is close to, which for the most part is nice however I quite often feel pushed and pulled to events, and get the feeling sometimes our live isn't 'ours' and often our plans are dictated by his family, just by simply how many of them there are.

Anyway, a hot topic are the holidays coming up. His brother has a large house so often hosts. The last few years whilst I haven't been there he has started to have 'christmas eve parties'.

In my own country, I am used to having a chilled christmas eve, cocktails, xmas films, few presents, glasses of wine with my other half etc.
I understand christmas day will be with his family (apparently every year from 2pm) however I do have a family member in his country which i think is fair to rotate and see every other year (fair?)

When I mentioned that usually I don't see family xmas eve and i would like to make my own traditions, i feel he gets a little annoyed, maybe feeling like i am telling him what to do. I can just see an argument happening on the day where he says why wouldn't we go, we arent doing anything.

Another awkward date is New years eve. NYE is our anniversary. Last year I was out there and we went for a dinner then we agreed to go to his brothers house party. during dinner, i could tell he was itching to leave and get to this party. he had friends there that were waiting for him to arrive, so he was itching and it ruined our meal. I didnt enjoy NYE and i spend 2 hours just waiting to leave. i was full from dinner and didnt want to get really drunk.
i am usually easy going but feel maybe i should put my foot down with this kind of stuff when i move there, i know his family will think im being a cow and 'stopping him from going' but i want him to want to not go, and to create our own traditions, he says he does but i dont know. this new years eve, i have said i dont want to see anyone and want to go away for the night or do something fun together. i know full well he will get texts throughout the night making fun of him for not going etc.

Another awkward one was christmas morning, last year he went over at 8am to watch his neice and nephew open presents? waking up at 8am and rushing out the house xmas day again is not really how i like my day to go. do i just let him go alone and come home? hopefully when we have our own kids that will be different.

I’m afraid it sounds to me like by moving there you’re setting yourself up for a lot of disagreements and bad feeling. Yes, things might be different if you had your own children but there’s no guarantee you will.

You'll be expected to take on the family's traditions when you move in.

hell no. although he would argue, i am 'coming into his life' so 'doesnt that make sense' but i say no i want my own life and to make my own traditions thanks. @wizzywig

Sounds like a recipe for disaster. If you have kids in that country you will probably have to remain even if you break up. Have you explored this actual very important side of cross nationality marriage? forget all the memory making what’s the legal status in divorce if it goes wrong.

OP I’m from a family where time together at Christmas is hugely important - even now we have our own kids - we still prioritize extended family events over ‘movie/just our family’ nights. I’d be beyond frustrated if my DH wanted to make it “us time” as we’ve all the rest of the year for that! Perhaps it’s unique as we don’t live near family but instead travel to them, but the chaos and intensity is all part of the week for me. Every day has a plan/usually at least one large gathering (for which dates tend to be put in diaries in August). Siblings partners and kids join too. It’s not just ‘my side of the family’ we travel to dh’s too and again get cousins aunts big gatherings together. We’ve never spent either a Christmas Eve or day ‘just us’ and I wouldn’t want too (love the magic of sharing it with our families). NYE tends to be for friends though (and we each book a long lunch/eve with our friends individually, usually the date gets set the summer before to ensure all can come child free).

Generally we are each fairly independent - we’re a team and we’ve very much built ‘our own lives together’ but culturally Christmas is the one time we can see so many of our friends family and extended family. It would be mad to me to try to prioritize ‘us as a couple/family’ time in that. Currently our kids love the set up! I do know that may change but I also think there’s a value to extended family time that I hope I can support them to recognize.

Maybe this is a very different viewpoint from you (we don’t see family frequently and I recognize Christmas is more intense as it’s culturally the time we all get together) but thought I’d share just in case.

You are going to make him miserable, he is going to make you miserable, maybe part now .

hopefully when we have our own kids that will be different. You haven’t been paying attention if you think this. Your kids will probably want to see their cousins and extended family.

I also agree with @dublinderby34 Unless he’s specifically said otherwise, I agree that your partner and family will be expecting you to join in with their family traditions.

Are you aware that if you split up with your partner while living abroad and have kids then you won’t be able to bring them back to the UK? The kids will be considered residents of that country and you’d be stuck living there until the kids were 18.

You clearly need to discuss expectations before you move country because it sounds like you and your partner have different visions of the future. Neither of you are unreasonable but if you have kids then you could end up stranded in the new country. (Technically you could return to the UK but many mums decide that they want to live in the same country as their kids so end up stuck)

This is your reality if you move there - and tbh I can completely see where he’s coming from. Why on earth would he forego his lifelong traditions that he obviously enjoys and separate off from that when you have the rest of the year together? I wouldn’t be happy if a partner decided he wanted me (and any future children we might have) to do that.

Sounds like you might need to rethink your move to his home country.

@SirChenjins forego his lifelong traditions? i mentioned the christmas eve party is only a new thing. Christmas day i said was fine and am perfectly OK with, but honestly, once your married, that is your new family and you do make your own plans and traditions in my opinion on things like christmas eve, new years eve etc

I think you have a problem here. Their view is that big days are spent together socially as a family (this is also fairly normal to me as an Irish person). Your preference is the more English/Mumsnet arrangement, where family is held at a distance, and you want to stay at home and have "chilled" time with just your partner, and "create your own traditions". Which is fine! But in a country where they just don't do it that way, you may be seen as sour and difficult.

Personally I would not move to that country because I am guessing it just isn't the place for you, and it will all end in conflict.

This is what he wants and not what you want
It’s not dictated by his family, it’s dictated by him because this is how he wants to spend holidays. It’s just different to what you want
If he doesn’t want to compromise then you have to decide if it works for you
I’d be wary of moving to another country with someone that doesn’t compromise though. And definitely don’t get pregnant yet, you’ll be stuck there with his family and him trying to call the shots

he would argue, i am 'coming into his life' so 'doesnt that make sense'
If he’s told you or made you feel that you’re coming into his life and so should adapt to his life, (rather than building a life together with you as an equal partner, and not just a passive extension of him) he is screaming red flag at you and you’re not listening

It's not going to work. You are always going to be the outsider and like a square peg trying to fit in a round hole.

Some people may embrace it but you clearly don't.

There's no right or wrong, you just aren't compatible to take the next step together.

Are there significant cultural differences between the two of you.

christmas and family traditions vary dramatically. I was married to a man from overseas. We lived here but his traditions totally trumped mine to the point my friends said I’d changed so much. if you have children overseas and the relationship doesn’t work out, you might find you can’t relocate back home with the kids.

think long and hard about how you see yourself in 10 years time and what you actually want.

Sorry but the new year's eve thing is unreasonable from you. You see this guy every day and share a bed every night so you can hardly expect him to forego a party with his friends and family because you want to eat dinner together.

You don't have to join in, be clear about that. But you can't stop him enjoying events with his family at Christmas.

OP, suppose posters were to tell you that you're right and he's wrong - is that what you want to hear? - well, to be blunt, so what? None of that will solve your problem, which is one of compatibility, traditions, expectations and communication.

I think you need to think very seriously about this.

Which country?

But that’s not how he operates. By moving to his country and living close to his family, but wanting to do Christmas and NY differently, I think you’re setting yourself up for friction and unhappiness, and not just about this. He likes the status quo and doesn’t want to change it. So, apparently, does his entire family. You can’t make him ‘want not to go’.

If that's so then you shouldn't be moving to 'his' country as there is no hope of you having your own life there, judging by your original post.

This is all stuff DH and I discussed before moving in together.
We managed to come to compromises that we were both happy with, which included taking traditions from both sides of our family and adding in our own new ones.

For example, if you were to have kids, would he expect you all to go to his brother's to see their kids open their presents? Or will he then expect his brother to reciprocate for the years he has gone there.

If you just have 1 family member in that country, would they be welcome to join you all for lunch on Xmas day? Maybe that would be nice to merge everyone together for lunch?

This all needs to be discussed before you move

Do you really want to marry this man? It sounds like a recipe for disaster.

As someone recently divorced, stuck in Spain and coerced through the whole 20 marriage domestically violent horror (plus marriage contract changed) now in sole care of child until 24 years old.

SEE A LAWYER

Christmas is irrelevant.

He's not going to agree to you making new family traditions, he's going to expect you to follow his. Are you sure about moving to be with him?

But he says he does want to make our own traditions when I ask him. I even say it’s totally fine if we don’t want the same things but we need to agree on what our future looks like and he kinda shuts it down and says he doesn’t care and we will just discuss at the time.

Op, you are facing a losing battle if you move to his country, his area and his traditions and don't try to join in.

Well, that’s your answer, surely.