Husband had an affair, advice from those who stayed?

[Snowdrop92]

i have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 5. We have two children together. When I was 5 months pregnant with our second I found out he had been having an affair with a co-worker that had been going on for around 16 months. I am absolutely heartbroken and my whole world has fallen apart. In my eyes there was no problems with our relationship, still very affectionate, still intimate, we were looking to move house, booked holidays and trying for another baby. It has been 9 months since I found out and still finding it really difficult. He moved out the moment it all came out but moved back in just before I gave birth to help me with the children and around the house. He wants to work at our marriage but I have no idea what I am supposed to do, I feel so confused as I still love him so much but can’t understand how he could do this to me. I understand everyones circumstance is completely unique to them but has anyone ever been through anything similar? If you chose to stay does it ever get easier, or does the affair still take over your mind constantly? I don’t feel I can talk to many people without being judged so hoping to have a non judgment community on here xx

I think the problem with husbands having affairs is your not the problem, someone else is (the husband) so it will always be out of your control, it will always be something you can’t sort/fix and the chances of him doing it again are pretty likely, normally once a cheat always a cheat, they just get better at hiding it and gaslighting you.

If you want to stay that’s fine, but if I was you I’d make sure I’m working so that if the relationship breaks down, which is likely due to his actions, your financially stable. His let you down and so to trust someone again after blowing your life up is difficult, the instincts tell you to leave, but the heart hurts. It’s best to leave, but it’s always your choice, just don’t be too surprised if it happens again 3/4 years down the line.

For me it never got any easier. We split after about 12 months of trying. It’s so hard to trust again. He also expected me to get over it and move on but ultimately I couldn’t. i just realised that he wasn’t the person that I’d fallen in love with and that I was never going to be happy with someone that had quite literally broken me.

What are his reasons for the affair? Has he done the necessary work to understand why he did it? Has he done what he can to earn your trust back and is being patient in the process? Counselling didn’t help us as a couple but ut helped me when I had it myself.

An affair is grief. You grieve for what you had and it’s a long process to navigate our way through it. Good luck. It’s not easy whatever you decide.

I stayed because he had a one night stand and immediately confessed. There's just no way I could comprehend trying to trust someone who could lie to my face for 16 months. It means you have an absolute expert compartmentaliser on your hands. The most dangerous of husbands to trust.

However unfortunately in my husband's case the guilt and remorse swallowed him up. He couldn't prioritise healing my wounds because he'd hurt himself in the process. Sadly he was never the same again. I needed him to scoop me up and put all off his energy into us and me. He could only see his own pain. I left after three years of trying, Relate etc.

Try AsOneAfterInfidelity on Reddit - it’s a group for people trying to reconcile after infidelity and (apart from in extreme circumstances) it’s messages of support only.

My circumstances were too different to yours for me to comment properly but I also found out my husband cheated when I was pregnant with my second. It’s a difficult time to make a big life change. I let him stay but in the short term I just tried to stay positive and think of him as free childcare. It’s unlikely you’ll be able to process this properly until the hormones and sleepless nights have passed.

I was a similar situation as you 15 years ago now. I stayed, but it was hard for many years. Like you we had been together for many years, had a long history and a good marriage, were great friends. His was a sexual rather than emotional affair, but it did go on for a long time. He never loved her or wanted to leave her for me. I think if he had loved her, I probably would not have stayed. I never doubted that he loved me and would never do it again. I know the line on MN is once a cheat, always a cheat, but for us that has not been true. 15 years on we are very happy and I never think about the affair. It’s just a distant memory and I am glad that I stayed. I am not sure you will get many nuanced responses here. I think life can be very black and white on MN, but real life is more complex. I do think for it to work you have to trust it’s a one off and that he won’t do it again. That was the one thing I was always sure about.
I also think a lot more people than we think have affairs. It’s a form of escapism from real life sometimes.

What does “ working on our marriage “ look like to him?

Free childcare and hands on assistant round the house is the best way of thinking about him for now. That's good advice. You can reassess when baby is older.

I would never stay. I would never trust him again and I would have made myself 'lesser' by accepting what he had done and I've had low self esteem all my life.

I would stay for now as your DC is so young but the work he would have to put in to keep me at home would be impossible for a normal human being so as soon as I was on an even keel and could plan my life away from him, I'd be gone.

She asked for advise from those of us who did stay.

@Snowdrop92, I am very sorry that you are suffering this trauma caused by your H’s unethical choices. His failure to protect his fidelity is all on him.

I join @QueenCremant in wondering what work he has done to investigate and correct his character deficiencies [selfishness, entitlement, weak boundaries, thirst for illicit boosts & thrills, etc.] that enabled his infidelity and double life. Is he plugged into IC, websites like Surviving Infidelity, or other readings? Until he digs deep and does the work, he will be a poor candidate for reconciliation.

What recovery requirements have you set, @Snowdrop92? Has he:
*Accepted full responsibility for his adultery?
*Cut contact with OW?
*Told you the whole story and written a complete timeline?
*Provided open access to all devices and statements?
*Patiently answered your questions and taken your anger and tears without pressuring you to get over his betrayal?

You may be aware that it can take 2-5 years to recover, and that is when the betrayer accepts responsibility and works hard to restore trust. Many betrayed spouses decide that the devastation and abuse of trust are too great to overcome.

My personal view is that it takes an especially entitled, self-serving, morally bankrupt individual to cheat on his pregnant Wife/Partner, and 16 months is beyond the pale. Stealing my
agency/consent and risking my and my baby’s health would be unforgivable.

@Snowdrop92, I suggest that you check out the Surviving Infidelity site for their measured and experienced insight and excellent resources. Also, consider accessing IC to gain clarity as you make your decisions. It could be a godsend.

It was a 16 month long affair! While you were trying for your 2nd child and subsequently got pregnant, he was hopping out of your bed and into another! I don't see how that's forgivable.

I stayed but ultimately we split.

I found it so hard to trust him again and the anger deep down at his betrayal never really left me

We also had very young kids when he had the affair and the pressure of it was one of his reasons/excuses. But I couldn't shake the feeling that he let me down when I was at my most vulnerable and needed him the most.
Looking back, I have mixed feelings about staying. I think the kids had a better childhood in some practical ways but I wonder if our less than happy relationship wasn't a good model for them.
I think staying was definitely not the best option for me because I felt like I went through the trauma and upset twice - at the time of finding out about the affair and then when we ultimately split.

I think if you stay your OH needs to really show you he is prepared to do the work to make things better between you.
Really think about what you want & need from him and don't accept anything less. Maybe do this with the help of a counsellor. If he can't or won't step up or won't listen then leave.

Good luck x

OK so I will try again.

I have close relatives and the DH cheated on his wife when she was pregnant with her first child.

She discovered he was having an affair halfway through the pregnancy and I honestly didn't think she would survive the shock but in fact, once he renounced his OW, they went on to have another child and they are still together.

She says she will never forgive him or trust him fully ever again. The affair has (her words) 'hung like a stinking black bat in the the rafters of their marriage' but she wanted two children and for them to be full siblings.

She says he has shown remorse but only to a degree and because of how she now feels, she is going to see the kids through their education and reassess as the connection she felt with her husband is loosened and she is keeping an open mind about their future but long term, cannot see them getting old together.

@Lifeandhowtoliveit

I am reconciled and years down the line now. I’m very happy I made the choice I did. But it takes time.

I am so sorry you’re going through this it is one of the worse things that ever happened to me.

I am going to second @MsDogLady post as it’s what I would have written.

It concerns me that you wrote he wants to ‘work on your marriage’ this statement apportions blame to the marriage and you. He should be working on himself and how he can become a safer partner for you.

From my experience it is him that needs to work tirelessly to prove he can be a safer partner for you and that should be all action based. This will show that he is remorseful and not just regretful.

Some resources

• Surviving Infodelity
• Book ‘how to help my spouse heal from my affair’
• affair recovery website (their videos are great)

I found with time my resolve to stay became stronger, for some their resolve to leave becomes stronger. Watch his actions and heal yourself first.

With all due respect, the OP is asking for people with lived experience of this to comment not someone who "knows someone" who experienced it.

You can never know the real truth of your relative's experience and situation, only what they have told you.
Not sure why you would comment if you aren't the group the OP is asking for comments from. 🤷‍♂️

I think you are being harsh on Grimpenmire.

A lot of people have not been in the exact position as OP. But her description of her H's behaviour is really upsetting to read and it's impossible not to be concerned for OP.

Many have seen people they are close to - relatives and friends - go through similar and so it's very natural to want to comment.

OP has every right to ignore any of the comments on the thread that she choses but I think it's unfair of you to try to police the thread and tell other posters not to comment.

Sadly, I was once on your position. I wasn't pregnant but did have young children. I was also the one working full time so this facilitated his affair. His was emotional and I never got to the Crux of how long it had gone on for, only to know he had plans to leave us, despite this ow living the other side of the world. We'd been married around 6 years by then. Long story short, we worked at it and remained married another 7 years. He never did it again. But I never got my feelings of love, safety, admiration etc back ever, and it wore me down and I knew deep down I deserved more. He was actually devastated when we separated. He had long ago put the affair to bed in his mind, so couldn't see it as a contributing factor to the divorce. And in whole, it wasn't anymore, but his actions back then meant I lost all love and respect, so when we separated, my grieving was done and I fel a little sadness but on the whole, I felt positive. And now, 5 years later, I absolutely did the right thing. I am happy and at peace. And we get on fine for the sake of the children.

I was similar in that we had been together many years and he had an affair whilst I was pregnant but I only found out 2 years later. I left him but we got back together but I just felt worse. I feel so much lighter now we have separated. It’s hard because you want to try for the children but it was clouding my whole mind.

I stayed. Initially I think I stayed because I was just paralysed with the sheer shock of it. It didn’t go on for as long as you describe op and it didn’t go as far physically, but it went fucking far enough. Double betrayal too since she was supposed to be my “friend”.
The first 3 months I was a total basket case, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep, dropped a fuck ton of weight, but dh got with the program quite quickly. He dropped her like a sack of shit, no mooning around over her and booked himself into therapy, which he still attends now.
Initially (and this is very, very common) he did make some attempts to shift responsibility onto me. I was “ignoring him” not paying him enough attention etc. total crock of shit. After about 3 months I came out of the initial shock phase and I have to say, I came out swinging. I was fucking furious. I literally ROARED with rage at him, I have never experienced visceral anger like it. I pointed out what a selfish, entitled, revolting shithead he was and that no, none of this was anything to do with me. He took it all and agreed.

The problem was though, as much as I could say it was nothing to do with me, it didn’t feel like it. I felt like I was responsible, like I wasn’t good enough, like I had failed. Therapy helped me with that. I was able to internalise the fact that it was nothing to do with me and with that came a sense of peace and calm. I gave all the shame and all the guilt and all the responsibility back to him, where it belongs.

He worked really hard in therapy to unpick why he chose ( and yes it was a choice, I will not countenance any suggestion of a “mistake”) to do this. He had a shitty childhood, which, whilst in absolutely no way excuses what he did, does go some way towards explaining why he was so self destructive,

It is almost 4 years ago now and whilst things are in no way perfect, they are definitely heading in the right direction. We moved away which helped, and dh continues to take full responsibility and not rug sweep or expect me to be “over it”

I do still love him but this has completely changed the dynamic of our relationship and actually, not in a bad way. Prior to this I had him on some kind of misplaced pedestal, but that is definitely gone now and we are better for it.

I do not worry about him doing it again, I don’t actually think he will. But I don’t police him or his movements/ phone etc simply because if he chooses to do it again, that is on him. I survived the first time and if he does it again, I will survive that too. What I will not do and he knows this quite clearly, is ever give him another chance. He is on a final written warning and he knows it and behaves accordingly.

Will it all work out? Who knows. I think so and for now, I’m glad I stayed but I reserve the right to change my mind at any time, which I think would only happen if I got even the slightest whiff of inappropriate behaviour.

Sorry for the massive essay! In summary, IF your dh does the work op it might be possible for you to work through it. But only you will know that and you will reach a point where you decide to stay or go. Give it time if he is doing the work and put yourself first. It will become clear what the best option is for you. Good luck xx

He has been trying to be more proactive at home, cooking meals, housework and helping out with the children.

Honestly he has taken full responsibility and not tried to shift any blame, he's given me passwords to his phone and answered all of my questions. He is letting me be as angry and upset as I want and is validating my feelings. He reassures me regularly, he's deleted his social media, blocked the AP, he's changed his work base so as not to bump into her. FaceTimes me when he's working, shows me his shift and overtime patterns. Shares his location with me.

However I'm still so hurt that he could actually do this to me, I couldn't even dream of doing this to him. It's the way he could lie so so well and so believable and the level of disrespect is honestly disgusting.

I have the worst intrusive thoughts and regular nightmares and I often vision myself catching him much earlier on (now that I know the signs) and I get so worked up and I just don't know if that will ever go away 😔

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences xx

I stayed in similar circumstances and tried to make it work.

There was a point where I thought we'd make it and thought we were "stronger than ever". But he was unfaithful again.

I think almost because we got through it once, he thought we would again?

I don't regret staying the first time because we did go on to have my son, who I could never regret 😁

But it cost me a lot and if I could have a re-do I'd have left sooner than I did. Like a decade earlier. 😂

Otoh when I did end it, it was on my terms and I have never been sorry.

I stayed - or rather, I let him stay - after the discovery of a 6 month long affair (initially emotional and then physical for the last 2 months). This was nearly two years ago now.

I let him stay initially because I was advised not to make any big decisions for at least 12 months following a traumatic event. I felt this was sound advice in my case. It took a full year to go through all the phases of grief including the initial denial phase and hysterical bonding. I did not focus on our marriage or him - I focused on me and my healing. Whatever the outcome, you will need to process this trauma and that takes time and emotional resources. You may need to delay some of that work if you're children are very young and you don't have the headspace. My husband was prepared to give me as much time as I needed.

As for him, he never blamed me, he took all my anger, he has been in weekly therapy ever since, he immediately cut all contact with OW, I have access to his phone etc. These things are the bare minimum though. He has been on a painful journey of self-discovery since the affair and I'm genuinely proud of the work he's put in. I don't worry about him doing it again because if he does, I will walk away without aa backward glance and he knows it.

Get yourself onto Surviving Infidelity - it's a fantastic online resource for anyone going through it, whether you reconcile or not.