Husband had an affair, advice from those who stayed?

[Snowdrop92]

i have been with my husband for 14 years, married for 5. We have two children together. When I was 5 months pregnant with our second I found out he had been having an affair with a co-worker that had been going on for around 16 months. I am absolutely heartbroken and my whole world has fallen apart. In my eyes there was no problems with our relationship, still very affectionate, still intimate, we were looking to move house, booked holidays and trying for another baby. It has been 9 months since I found out and still finding it really difficult. He moved out the moment it all came out but moved back in just before I gave birth to help me with the children and around the house. He wants to work at our marriage but I have no idea what I am supposed to do, I feel so confused as I still love him so much but can’t understand how he could do this to me. I understand everyones circumstance is completely unique to them but has anyone ever been through anything similar? If you chose to stay does it ever get easier, or does the affair still take over your mind constantly? I don’t feel I can talk to many people without being judged so hoping to have a non judgment community on here xx

I stayed for a few years afterwards and I don’t have the words to tell you what that did to me. I look back and I liken it to a period of self harm.

@Snowdrop92 I’m so very sorry you are going through this. 9 months out is nothing as far as processing and healing is concerned, so don’t rush yourself or think you should feel any better by now or able to decide. It’s a huge decision either way.
It’s not going to “go away” for a while yet, and some people can’t get past it at all.
Don’t feel time pressured to decide to stay or go, it can fluctuate wildly from wanting to stay forever then to wanting to kill him in the early days, it’s hard to know what your truth is because you’re still reeling from the shock and trauma of the betrayal.
The websites Surviving Infidelity and Affair Recovery have forums and free resources and articles to help you heal, regardless of whether you want to stay or leave and won’t push or recommend either scenario, they are only pro-healing from betrayal caused by infidelity.
I flip flopped between both decisions and found that they had a lot of useful information and advice for either decision. The chat forums were good too, it helped to be able to ask questions without fear of shaming or judgement at a time when I was vulnerable.
You get a more balanced view there than here on MN, which tends to lurch from LTB to reconciliation from one post to the next and can leave you feeling more confused than ever. The LTB posters and reconciliation posters all have valid opinions and lived experience, of course, but they all did what was right for them. They are not you.
Nobody can tell you what is right for you and your situation or what you should or shouldn’t do, it’s just a range of perspectives. Learn all you can about the psychology of affairs and betrayal trauma and you will understand your feelings and what is happening to you better. Articles, podcasts and books by Michelle Mays are good and “The Betrayal Bind” is an excellent resource regardless of whether you stay or leave, it’s about your healing and won’t push you in either direction. It gives you the understanding and tools you need to make a good decision for yourself.

I stayed. 4 years of hell later.... I wish I had left. I'm not over it, not even close. It's still as raw as the day I found out. I'm now making plans to get out but it's difficult as I don't feel like I can use the excuse of 'you had an affair' I kept telling. Myself i just needed more time to process it and heal, but I've accepted now that I can't and never will. Feel like I've wasted 4 years of my life killing myself over it, like a nightmare groundhog day!! Would never do it again. It's destroyed me.

Hello,

I don't have personal experience of your situation but I did support a very close friend whose circumstances were very similar. Firstly I am so sorry that you are going through this. I can only begin to imagine the pain and anguish it has caused you. Particularly during what should be a special time but also when you are quite vulnerable.
I think it's huge task to try and move on from this. It must take superhuman effort to try and put such a huge betrayal behind you and to salvage a marriage. Personally I don't think I could ever get past it. I would always feel slightly on edge and would struggle not to see my husband as somehow a different person and lesser in my eyes.
Obviously you have young children so have a lot to consider. I always think of the line in Love Actually when Emma T discovers the necklace: ' would you stay knowing it would always a little bit worse, or would you cut and run?'

If you can stay and really try to make a fresh start then good luck. I think either way you should have some couples counselling to work out what led to this. 16 months is a lot of lying and deceit.
This is not your fault. it is his failing. I only hope the other woman has someone do the dirty on her one day. They are both culpable but a woman who sleeps with a married man knowing his wife is pregnant is reserved a special place in hell.

I stayed for eight years, and then he left me for another woman that he worked with. I know that's not what you want to hear, but my perspective is that my ex husband only did what I asked him to do and nothing more. I had to set what I wanted him to do, and i never really felt he was sorry, just sorry he got caught. In hindsight it was very clear he didn't really care, and the writing was always on the wall. I think people can, and do recover, but it requires a huge amount of effort, mainly from the person who had an affair, and an understanding it takes years, and even then those feelings can resurface - you never truly 'get over it'. Having joint therapy and therapy just for you would be useful as well. And work on you, be independent so you have options. Just an FYI, three years on, while it was devastating, I could not be happier now! Good luck and take care of yourself.

10 years later and I still have the occasional nightmare where I wake up sobbing. 10 years later and I still get triggered when I see women ‘like her’ (I don’t blame women for men’s actions but it brings back the feelings of crushing low self-worth I had back then). It’s like an old wound that has awkwardly healed over but is sensitive when you press on it.

And yes my husband has ‘done everything right’ since then. But nothing, absolutely nothing, takes away the pain. It will always be there and I will never trust him as I once did. So why am I still here? Because the good days far outnumber the bad, but it’s best to be realistic about the damage that has been done.

Hey, I've been there and honestly it is the worst pain and it takes a lot of work to get through , it honestly took 2 years for me to even stop thinking about it every day ! But the love was still very much there and we both wanted to make it work , people make mistakes it doesn't always make them a bad person , it's been 8 years now and we are stronger than ever now xx

As I said further up the thread, I stayed.
When we finally split, it was years later and we hit another rough patch. He then admitted the extent of the first affair and I knew, as soon I learned it wasn't a short lived mistake, we had to end. He hadn't been honest about it when he admitted it to me all that time ago.

A couple of years after we split he admitted that there had been subsequent brief affairs too.

He then also said he regretted it all and regretted breaking up the family. Obviously it was far too late then.

Lessons to learn from my experience -

• make sure he does everything he can to win back your trust (it sounds like he has made a good start)

• go for counselling together to get a true picture of what has gone on & his reasons why. You need a third party to help you be truly honest with each other
• have your own individual counselling too
• give yourself a time limit for deciding if you stay or go. Maybe just mentally.
• make sure you are clear on how you could survive alone if you needed to; don't stay out of fear of being a single parent.
• understand that it could happen again. However, if you both fully understood why it did the first time you will be better placed to avoid this happening.

Good luck x

I totally get it when you say you can't still use the excuse of the affair.
When we split it was because of his historic infidelity but we told everyone we had grown apart and it was amicable.

I had a hard time with that at first and sometimes it still rankles - the feeling that he "got away with it"
But that was my choice & I have to live with that

I have been through this twice, although in different ways. My ex partner had an affair when our son was 2. It broke me. I tried for two years but ultimately the trust and respect was gone, and we separated. This was 10 years ago and it was the best thing I could’ve done. We weren’t married but it was very painful.

My now husband of 9 years had an emotional affair for a month or so. If it was physical I don’t know if I would’ve stayed. I found out 6 months ago and it’s hard. Knowing he sought attention from another woman, knowing he didn’t think of me. I decided to stay and he’s doing all the right things without me asking, so I have hope. However, I think staying actually takes more strength than leaving sometimes. I won’t hesitate to leave if he either does it again, or if I find I simply can’t get over it whenever that time night be.

16 months is a long time, and 9 months is nothing when it comes to healing. Take care of yourself. Even if you decide to stay, put yourself first for now and work out what you enjoy doing away from him, reach out to friends and family. Be prepared to leave if you can’t cope with the pain anymore. I think people can make mistakes, but some people go on to be serial cheaters. Unfortunately we never know which one it is once the trust has been broken.

Sending you hugs and strength.

I'm sorry you had to go through it all too. Hoping I can move on soon

Good luck, I hope you can soon.

It's tough, really tough. I hope you have a good support network around you. A couple of my close friends were amazing when we did finally split; I couldn't have got through it without them.
Having a couple of people who knew the truth and who I didn't have to put a brave face on for was so important.
x

Thank you all for your honesty and sharing your experiences.

I wouldn't wish infidelity on anyone as I've found this to be one of the most painful things I have been through. But I have somehow found comfort in reading your stories, I think because you all sound so confident in the final decisions that you have made. I hope that one day I'm as confident as all of you women and know exactly what it is I am going to do.

I will definitely take a look at some of the online resources a few of you have shared and I appreciate the recommendations xx

I was in this exact situation OP. I was pregnant too. This was 4 years ago now, and I stayed.

But it was the beginning of the end. I lost respect for him and the love eventually petered out too. We are still together but I am preparing to ask for divorce soon.

One of the most poisonous aspects is that it changes how you view them. They’re not the person you fell in love with. I started to see so many of his flaws afterwards.

It sounds like he is genuinely remorseful and is actively doing everything he can, so maybe there is hope for you. Not every situation is different, but this was just my experience.

One more thing to add, I sometimes wish I had left at the time. I couldn’t have- I had one young child and was pregnant with another. I needed him. But now so much time has passed that I feel I missed my window and it’s harder to justify now that those painful days are behind me.

Remember, you don't actually have to justify it. It's not a one time, time limited option to leave, not really.

That's part of the trouble post-affair, I think, you feel like you have to make a decision either way, often quite speedily, because you just want the pain and upheaval to be over, and often the offending party is pushing to have a definitive answer.

But actually, you don't know if you can "get over it" or if you can rebuild trust or what there will be left if you decide to try, or if the other person will do their part. Only time answers that question.

You tried your best but too much damage was done. It's not on you.

Honestly, I would get a bf and get even for a few weeks, months . If I was to stay, then he would have to put up with that for a while. The relationship wouldn’t be the same though.. I would need a buffer relationship with someone else in between having him back because I don’t want used goods, and he would be a bit tainted, I would need
a gap and also be in an even playing field.

It might be more convenient to stay, not having to split finances and divide the family, but no way would I feel any need to behave, I would do more stuff single ppl do, girls hols etc it would change.

The relationship might look the same to outsiders but you’d both know it was a bit rotten underneath the surface.

My H had an affair. He left to be with her. We are now reconciling. It was what I wanted from before I knew there was an OW, but he had to hit rock bottom first to recognise that it was not me that was the problem. There is obviously a long story from before and after he left. It is now coming up 2 years since he asked to try again, although he did not move home immediately as we chose to rebuild very, very slowly. It is a different marriage, much more transparent, much more honest, no more rug sweeping and ignoring issues on either side. I have zero regrets about my decision to let him move home.

I think that's an important point @Notalltheleavesarebrown makes - it's a different marriage.

Whichever path you ultimately choose (and reconciliation is a process, not a destination), the marriage as you knew it is over. Staying means building a new one. Only you will know in time whether you want to do that and whether he's able to do what it takes.