Need insight , am I over sensitive

[Kerry8512]

Aw I'm sorry but this is going to be long because if I was just to put bullet points I know the advice would be leave......
I met my current partner nearly 4 years ago, it was after I came out of a horrific domestic violence relationship, my ex got 42 months for what he did, me and my kids were under threat, had to go into a refuge for a bit then once we felt safe to go home the ex came bk at me again even while tagged, I met my current partner and tbh he felt like the knight in shining armour, was very protective and attentive, eventually meeting my kids etc, he stood by me while all the court stuff going on and had to even leave work early a few times because my ex threatened all over Facebook he was coming to kill me, honestly so much stress, but in-between being physically supportive his anger started coming through, if he was pissed at me he'd call me all sorts of crazy things, threaten to leave ,ive never been called the names he has came off with. And he always stated I was too sensitive, that's just how he handles anger. He seen first hand the damage my ex did to me and my kids emotionally, heard social services and police reports and attended court with me.
Anyway fast forward a couple of years after lots of arguments me stating what he calls me isn't normal, liking girls half naked pic on Facebook isn't normal, and there's definitely more that I'm missing cause I'm in a frantic state , he eventually changed a lot , doesn't call me names and we both deleted Facebook also , he smokes weed, doesnt help financially, always borrowing off me, tho lately he does pay back , we always argue now over our sex life , he doesn't get it enough, I'm not cuddly enough, he feels unloved by me, I totally understand I can be distant, I've 4 kids(not to him, aged 12, twins r 10 and my youngest is 4 , I battle severe anxiety, previous eating disorder which is raising its head again and one of the reasons why r sex life isn't great tbh, hate even seeing myself naked, I've tried to talk to him about my body insecurities which he said I'm crazy because anyone would be happy with my body and that jas annoyed him now that im uncomfortable infront of him, he doesnt go longer than 5 days maybe a week without sex so its not overly bad surely, but he says he can tell im just not into it anymore , i do love him but im lost am i really am struggling in my head, really feel like everyones needs come before mine and im heading for a burnout, i do nothing for myself, buy nothing for my self, yes I know kids come first , they always do with me, my kids want for nothing financially,emotionally and physically from me, but come night time im exhausted mentally and sex just feels like last thing I want, especially when partner just comes off with ....want a ride? Show me your fanny , or even an hour last week after I found out my car got stolen he wanted a quicky .....I had a UTI before n he was but iffy cause I wouldn't let him give me oral , his movie types are always sexual, drugs etc, everything seems sex based , or else that's just in my head.....needed this rant, thank you if u even got this far 😂

I’m sorry but he’s abusive. He minimises your concerns, gaslights you by telling you things that bother you are normal and you’re over sensitive, he takes money from you, he calls you names, he pesters you for sex even when you are unwell with a uti and has angry outbursts. He is emotionally, sexually and financially abusive. I know you said things improve but it seems that if he stops abusive you by calling you names, he starts financially abusing you. It’s not uncommon for women who have survived domestic abuse to fall into the trap of another abuser. It’s because he’s has come along and love bombed you whilst you were going through a very traumatic time. He provided you with a sense of safety. But he clearly doesn’t care about your needs, he isn’t supporting you whilst you try to deal with your eating disorder, instead he is online ogling other women, he takes money from you which could be spend on therapy for you or things for the children. Does he live with you now? And if so, whose house is it? You might want to contact women’s aid for support and once you’ve ended your relationship with him for your sake, as well as your children’s, do the freedom programme.

Have a read of this

www.docdroid.net/2fZmz40/why-does-he-do-that-pdf

I am sorry to hear your story, it really does sound like you’ve been through hell, I don’t think I could have got through half of that. I am going to make this quick and to the point and I am sorry if it’s not what you want to hear. In my opinion you have no future with this guy, he is only 2 rungs on the ladder better than the previous basta**d you were with. I know it’s easy to say on a forum but you are better of without this guy. I wish you all the best.

I know the advice would be leave

It is. You have swapped one abuser for another. This one is no better than the last, to be honest.

He stopped liking pics on Facebook because we haven't got social media anymore since near a year now, he's in debt so much and trying to get out of it the last 4 years and I've always tried to help him get out of it, he is right tho that I do go distant with him so easily , all it takes is for him to pester me with sexual comments and il freeze up or try to laugh it off then il b dry with him etc, I've explained I don't like it and he says he's nowhere like what he used to be with me, he's changed so much for me ,that I'm too sensitive, what more do I want him to change

He’s a pig. Why did you have to delete your social media because he couldn’t behave himself on there? Why is he taking money from you? His debt is not your problem. It’s his. He’s a grown man. You are making excuses for him. The reason your dry is because he is vulgar and despite telling him you don’t like it, he persists and then belittles you for not being able to get into it. If you’re having sex under pressure that’s sexual abuse. Please, get away from this man. He is a textbook abuser. Read the link I posted. It will help you see what he’s doing. He is minimising his abuse and blaming it on you. It’s called DARVO. Look it up. You and your children are not safe with this man. Please speak to women’s aid to make an exit plan. I fear that he might escalate when you end the relationship, so whatever you do, do not tell him you are doing so until you are away from him and safe.

I'm afraid you've swapped one abuser for another. You need to get away from him as this will only get worse rather than better.

It is a fact it is easy to fall out of one abusive relationship into another.. You are low and vulnerable... You own words he was a knight in shining armour. And he managed to hold that position until his mask started to fall. Before his fists start falling you need to get out. My exh was similar. He jammed my arm in a door deliberately.. Apparently I had rolled my eyes at him. I catagorically hadn't. He had started putting me down.. Talking like my ex had. He knew what he was doing. You are sadly being abused op. Don't be ashamed to get rid. People who love you won't aim any blame at you. Or make you feel daft for falling for his lies..

But he has changed so much for me the last 2 years , he's nowhere near as bad, doesn't call me names like he used to, infact last time was a few weeks ago, I lost our baby , part of me blamed him and horribly told him that , because a few weeks before the miscarriage we had an argument and he told me to take our unborn baby to someone else to call dad, I was stressed out emotionally so much, so when I did loose the baby I had so much anger

he's nowhere near as bad, doesn't call me names like he used to, in fact last time was a few weeks ago

Your bar is set VERY low OP. He's an abuser. You need to get away from him asap.

No he hasn’t changed. He was so emotionally abusive to you that the stress made you miscarry. That’s not changing. For the love of all that is good and Holy, please do not get pregnant again by this man or you will be tied to him for the next 18 years at least. You have to get away from him. How many people do you need to tell you that he’s abusive before you finally allow yourself to accept it? I realise with your past this will be so scary and difficult for you but you have to face facts and stop living in denial. Is this the kind of life you want for your children? Not just now but when they grow up and have relationships of their own? If you have daughters they will end up with abusive men because they won’t know it’s not normal and your sons will probably go on to be abusive to their partners. It’s up to you to protect them from growing up in an abusive household. Right now they are not safe and neither are you.

God what am I reading!

You've got 4 kids already from 1 abusive arsehole so WHY would you want more kids especially with another abusive arsehole ??

People don't change inside he's still the same abusive man that treated you bad.

You should step away and give yourself a break from Men !

Concentrate on YOU and the children you've already got.

And No....having a baby with this man Will NOT change him.

Don't fall in to this silly trap that some Women think...oh he just needs someone to understand him....he's had a hard life...and all the other bullocks!

And No....having a baby with this man Will NOT change him.

correct. Statistically, his abuse is likely to increase and become worse after he gets her pregnant because he will believe she’s trapped and he has a hold over her forever.

You should have had time by yourself before you jumped straight into another abusive relationship. Even here you are minimising his behaviour. It takes a long time to heal the damage done. Work out why you have set the bar so low for yourself. Focus on yourself and your children. Stop waiting for a man to ‘rescue’ you.

History is repeating itself for you OP, but you have the power to change it. The benefit you have this time is you have already came back from this, so you know you can do it again. You need to leave.

Did you do the Freedom Programme when you left your last relationship?

www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/

Sadly I think you're come from one abusive relationship straight in to another one!

Please don't have a baby with him!

What's the rest of your life like OP? Do you work? Have friends?

Even having a talk with him there now because he feels we are going round in constant circles which I do agree we are, things are great after an argument...I'm all loving towards him, sex is great then after a few days I go all distant and quick kiss and I'm away cleaning or sorting and he feels unloved unwanted, what he's saying is true i go all weird , it could be literally silly things that cause it , even if he asks to borrow money (which lately he does pay back) just any mess he doesn't clean up, if I get a bath he's waiting in the bedroom on the bed when I come out so when I get dried n start to get dressed he makes tries to have sex or just forwardly says want to get on this...meaning his penis, that puts me off straight away, I used to have such a high sex drive, and I used to be so cuddly all the time yet now I can barely be touched, I go so distant into someone I don't even recognize, I love him truly I do, I know his behavior before was abusive, definitely don't deny it, wasn't as bad as my ex , he has really changed his ways , and no relationship is perfect, all say things in heat of the moment, i hear what you are all saying I do, I just thought because hes calmed so much down i was jist being over sensitive or going through a breakdown or something because im being so cold to someone thats tried so hard to change and has changed a lot for the better

Yes I did the freedom program before, no don't currently work, been juggling 4 kids , 3 of which are autistic but its my youngest is the most severe, she's homeschooled by me because she can't cope with ppl and noises , no family or friends really, had to move from my hometown because social services said it's either move or we will remove the kids because my ex wouldn't give up coming for me , he broke bail about 10plus times was even tagged and lifted with weapons outside my house shouting he's going to kill me and just kept getting re bailed and never remanded until eventually at his court case he got sent to prison , I find it very hard to make friends, actually atarting to think i must be the problem tbh

OP if you throw a plate on the floor and it shatters, does not throwing any more plates mean the one you threw is any less broken? No.

If you break a mug into pieces and then stick it back together, does it look the same? Would it hold hot liquid without breaking? No.

It doesn’t matter what he does now, because you know what he is capable of doing.

He doesn’t love you, he loves what you give him: money and sex.

What do you think your relationship would look like if you stopped giving him money when he asks, and stop having sex with him when you don’t want to? I can take a guess.

The relationship is purely transactional and does not benefit you.

He sounds absolutely awful. He saw you coming. A vulnerable girl needing built up after a terrible time. He got his claws into you. Thankfully you're healing and starting to realize and question now. Question whether this nonsense and abuse is right and are you (and your kids) worthy of more. And I can tell you with 100% certainty that the answer is yes. Get rid OP. I wish you all the luck in the world in moving forward without this loser dragging you down.

It sounds like you were vulnerable before you met your first ex who targeted you, you were more vulnerable when you met this knight in shining armour and that is not ok. The good thing is you don't have children together so can have a relatively clean break.

Do not get into another relationship, you are too vulnerable to correctly judge what is appropriate in a relationship. With three autistic children and your own history of MH and ED it's actually very likely you are too which is probably why you are so vulnerable to these men.

Calling you names is never ok.
Pressuring you to perform sexual acts is never ok.
Verbally abusing you is never ok.

A partner should make your life better, should make you feel safe and happy. The worst emotion you should have about them is a bit of ennui when things get a bit boring and mundane. Not walking on egg shells. Not being with them because you have no one else and they are the best of a bad situation. The best of a bad situation would be to go solo and be independent looking after your DC on your own.

This, do your kids snd yourself a favour.. And he hasn't even hidden it very well.

Ok, so you just keep minimising his abusive behaviour so I’m going to say this to you one last time.

HE IS ABUSIVE. YOU NEED TO GET AWAY FROM HIM.

I know it’s hard, you’re trauma bonded, you’re stuck in the cycle of abuse when things are good and then they’re not. You have a terrible frame of reference for what’s acceptable behaviour. Let me categorically tell you that his behaviour is disgusting. He’s a pig. He’s constantly being vulgar and doesn’t care how it makes you feel when he knows you hate it. He is taking your money and if you don’t work I imagine you don’t have a massive pot to take from in the first place.

You have 3 children with additional support needs. You need to focus on being a mother and protecting them from this man. You have been told by all of us for many pages now that he’s abusive. You know deep down you need to leave him. You said it in your initial post. You are trying your best to sugarcoat and minimise what’s happening. I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s much worse in reality.

Think about this, SS have already told you that you had to move or they would take your kids away. What do you think they would do if they find out that you’re in another abusive relationship? They would likely determine that you are not able to make safe choices regarding who you allow around them and that there is a safeguarding risk by leaving the children in your care. What do you care about most? The safety of your children or continuing an abusive relationship with an unsafe man? Seriously? Think about that. This is the decision you have on your hands now. Stay with him and put your children at risk or end it and protect them.

I do understand what your saying , and if the arguments where how they used to b I wouldn't be with him, he's calmed a lot from the big ones, doesn't call names etc like he used to, the odd cheeky one would slip mainly when I'm thinking of ending it, we've broken up before for 5 weeks when I told him to leave and I swear I could barely breathe for them 5 weeks it was horrible , I tried to beg him back etc n he was having none of it, then eventually when I gave up trying to get him back he was on trying to make a mends ,he admitted he only wouldn't come bk when I was begging to try n scare me into thinking he didn't love me anymore because we were always breaking up bk then and he was sick of leaving every couple of weeks, I've a habit of things bubbling in me before I speak about them, and I've explained to him because when I do open up to him it falls on deaf ears anyway or he never tried to understand or basically makes me feel bad for feeling that way, for example the eating disorder he can't fathom why i feel horrible about my body, thinks I'm crazy and now its made him feel bad that im not comfortable naked infront of him. I agree I do settle for less wayyy less, I just thought because he's changed a lot and yet I'm still going weird at times and cold that I must have issues that need worked on too because I can be unfair and cold towards him physically

OP why did you even make the thread? You seem to want to defend this guy regardless. If you’re so intent on staying with him then crack on. It sounds deeply unhealthy and you’re exposing your children to this volatile mess, apart from anything else.