Need insight , am I over sensitive

[Kerry8512]

Aw I'm sorry but this is going to be long because if I was just to put bullet points I know the advice would be leave......
I met my current partner nearly 4 years ago, it was after I came out of a horrific domestic violence relationship, my ex got 42 months for what he did, me and my kids were under threat, had to go into a refuge for a bit then once we felt safe to go home the ex came bk at me again even while tagged, I met my current partner and tbh he felt like the knight in shining armour, was very protective and attentive, eventually meeting my kids etc, he stood by me while all the court stuff going on and had to even leave work early a few times because my ex threatened all over Facebook he was coming to kill me, honestly so much stress, but in-between being physically supportive his anger started coming through, if he was pissed at me he'd call me all sorts of crazy things, threaten to leave ,ive never been called the names he has came off with. And he always stated I was too sensitive, that's just how he handles anger. He seen first hand the damage my ex did to me and my kids emotionally, heard social services and police reports and attended court with me.
Anyway fast forward a couple of years after lots of arguments me stating what he calls me isn't normal, liking girls half naked pic on Facebook isn't normal, and there's definitely more that I'm missing cause I'm in a frantic state , he eventually changed a lot , doesn't call me names and we both deleted Facebook also , he smokes weed, doesnt help financially, always borrowing off me, tho lately he does pay back , we always argue now over our sex life , he doesn't get it enough, I'm not cuddly enough, he feels unloved by me, I totally understand I can be distant, I've 4 kids(not to him, aged 12, twins r 10 and my youngest is 4 , I battle severe anxiety, previous eating disorder which is raising its head again and one of the reasons why r sex life isn't great tbh, hate even seeing myself naked, I've tried to talk to him about my body insecurities which he said I'm crazy because anyone would be happy with my body and that jas annoyed him now that im uncomfortable infront of him, he doesnt go longer than 5 days maybe a week without sex so its not overly bad surely, but he says he can tell im just not into it anymore , i do love him but im lost am i really am struggling in my head, really feel like everyones needs come before mine and im heading for a burnout, i do nothing for myself, buy nothing for my self, yes I know kids come first , they always do with me, my kids want for nothing financially,emotionally and physically from me, but come night time im exhausted mentally and sex just feels like last thing I want, especially when partner just comes off with ....want a ride? Show me your fanny , or even an hour last week after I found out my car got stolen he wanted a quicky .....I had a UTI before n he was but iffy cause I wouldn't let him give me oral , his movie types are always sexual, drugs etc, everything seems sex based , or else that's just in my head.....needed this rant, thank you if u even got this far 😂

Keep excusing his shitty behaviour and making excuses. You have been warned. I feel sorry for your children. They will be emotionally damaged because you are failing to safeguard them from exposure to this toxic, abusive relationship. I hope soon you will find the strength to get out but until then, I’m done bashing my head against a brick wall.

I made the thread because I know certain things sound bad that he's done in the past, and yes little things lately but they r nowhere like how it used to be, and when talking with him he makes valid points that then make me thing god am I the problem , because I'm being so distant in an emotional and sexual way but yet when I'm trying to explain to him why he doesn't get it then I feel like I'm at fault, I feel so messed up in my head, so when ppl say leave it's abuse I'm not replying meaning to minimize what he's done or doing I'm trying to put across my faults also so when I get a reply and ppl r still saying abuse then I know what I'm feeling inside is right that I'm not just being sensitive , that's all

Things will only become clearer once you leave him and STAY away from him. Everyone has said it’s abuse because it is. So that’s that really. You won’t be able to see that whilst you’re in it. You want to make excuses for him and blame yourself to justify staying because you’re scared to leave.

It is still abuse. Look at the cycle of abuse (search google) he’s just adapting how he abuses you.

Other people have suggested the freedom programmme I am going to suggest attending your local women’s aid - they run outreach sessions for you to drop in and also courses that help you build up your resilience to recognise your worth etc.

You know you and your kids are worth much more than what he is offering you x

You're not being sensitive @Kerry8512 . He's awful!! He's an abuser. It doesn't matter what your faults are, it is unacceptable to treat you the way he does. If a man did even one of the things you've mentioned to me, he would be out the door so fast and would never get back in. Do you understand that you've effectively been groomed so you think abuse is normal? It is very far from normal! Maybe he used to be worse but he is still a bad man! If you won't leave him for yourself, do it for your children. The damage this will be doing to your children doesn't even bear thinking about.

Hi Op, sorry to hear you are going through this.
A couple of things came to mind whilst reading your post, even though it is understandable why you needed someone when you were at the height of everything going on with your horribly abusive ex. And your current partner seemed like the answer, he wasn't.
Men like this will use the situation to their advantage, you were and still are vulnerable and he has played on that.
I'm not sure how soon between everything happening you then met him, but it was too soon and better to have just stayed just you and your kids, but it's done now.

Moving forward, your current partner is abusing you, and you need to get rid of him.
Is he living with you? If I missed that apologies, if you spoke to DA/DV help before which I'm guessing you must have.
Speak to them again about your current situation, so that you can safely get rid of him.

This is just so sad. I think we can all see what will happen. It's like a car crash happening in slow motion..

OP will convince herself that he isn't 'too bad' as her frame of reference is so skewed.. and then within a few months she will be expecting his child...

..and we all know how that goes. A new baby, no sleep (for OP) because men like this do not miraculously turn into decent human beings and help with babies..instead, one broken night's sleep and he will kick off.. 2 broken nights and you and baby will be in danger. Police will be called and social services informed - when you will have a choice of staying with this useless pile of shite or having the kids put into care..

For the sake of your EXISTING kids, time to grow up and put them first. You don't NEED a bloke. Your kids don't need this drama 🎭 n their life. You have got to stop being selfish by putting your need for a man before your children's comfort and welfare.

Do the right thing !

What advice are you looking for exactly?

You have told us a lot of negative info about your current partner. But also seem set on defending him in your later comments.

You're not putting your kids first, by a long way.

You've traded one abuser for another and your children are and will continue to suffer for it.

Why are you not listening and doggedly defending him?!

You need to keep your children safe, you aren't currently and SS, should they find out, will agree.