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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Too sensitive or are these red flags

54 replies

Gymbunny89 · 13/10/2024 11:56

I'm just looking for advice. I am having trouble in my relationship and when I've tried to bring up how he has treated me, he turns things round to what I have done wrong or justifies the behaviour because of whatever I have done. I've wrote down some examples to try and gain clarity of the situation but wondering if I'm just being too sensitive. These things have all been over the last 2 years.

  • driving my car aggressively after I told him not to get out the car and start shouting at another driver who pulled out on him. Told me not to speak to him that way/ tell him what to do
  • telling me that I'm crazy and don't live in reality when I bring up things that have upset me
  • frustrated at me for how I train the puppy and asking if I had something wrong with me because I couldn't walk her the way he told me to
  • saying if I didn't do stupid things all the time then he wouldn't have to correct me
  • we have split finances but comments on how I spend money ie. if you think you are buying a new car next year we need to have serious words, telling me I won't be going on holiday with family.
  • Guilting me into having sex by giving me silent treatment when I say no even when ill
  • not wishing me happy birthday
  • shouting at me at a restaurant to sit up and eat properly
  • punched a wall on 2 different occasions when we were arguing but blamed on me for how I spoke to him
I don't know if these all just sound like petty arguments but I feel he's not really treating me like his partner and like he is speaking to a child. We still have good times but any time he speaks to me poorly it just reminds me of all these incidents and I can't seem to let go but I don't know what to do
OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 13/10/2024 17:49

OP as soon as I read your first point I was shouting ‘run’ at my phone! Firstly, outside of your own relationship, anyone who gets out of a car and starts with road rage at a stranger has a real anger problem. That is a red flag in itself.
Secondly, within your relationship he is abusing you. Every single point you have described points to emotional and sexual abuse. It is manipulative and coercive behaviour which is illegal.
It’s that simple. You are clearly very bright and intelligent, and even if you are sensitive to other people’s feelings, that’s a great trait to have.

Original poster
Gymbunny89 · 13/10/2024 20:21

@PeggyMitchellsCameo thank you, it obviously shows how warped my mind is atm when I don't think any of the things he's done are big but they really are to everyone else

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 15/10/2024 07:36

Gymbunny89 · 13/10/2024 20:21

@PeggyMitchellsCameo thank you, it obviously shows how warped my mind is atm when I don't think any of the things he's done are big but they really are to everyone else

@Gymbunny89 firstly you wrote so well about your situation so somewhere beneath your tired, manipulated mind is your real self, who knows the way this man is behaving is wrong.
Many, many posters on here have been through exactly what you are experiencing.
I went through something similar in my younger years I was an absolute shell of a person. I was underweight, losing my hair, I could barely think straight.
I left the relationship and at the time it felt worse than being in it because I was so confused and blamed myself.
Nobody is perfect, I am certainly not, but he was a manipulative, and drove me into the ground.
I do regret that I stayed so long, it took me a while to get over it, and what I did learn is what I wouldn’t put up with.
The best thing I ever did was invest in therapy for myself.
It is a distant memory now. The man involved has gone from relationship to relationship, via a friend of a friend, he has learned nothing.
Now I am in my 50’s I realise you get one precious life. One. Please don’t waste your time on this man because he can’t be fixed.
But you can, you absolutely can. In time, your body does recover and then your mind follows. It is like withdrawing from a drug at first, but believe me when the cravings pass it will get better.
You deserve to be treated with kindness, decency and respect. I learned that to be treated that way, I had to treat myself in that way first.
To make you laugh (if that’s ok) about 10 years ago my lovely dad called me on his mobile from Morrisons. He was such good fun my dad.
The ex was very vain and his hair was his thing.
My dad’s words…
I’ve just seen Stuart at the checkout. He didn’t see me as I was behind him. He’s going bald.
I asked how bald?
The reply…
Oh he’s got a proper monkey’s arse going on love.
Please reach out to people. Being around people who care about you doing things you enjoy is like a balm to your troubled mind.
You are in my thoughts your story has really touched me. And I have a lovely life now. I did kiss a few frogs to get here but I got to spot red flags.
And road rage was an absolute red flag flying!

aCatCalledFawkes · 15/10/2024 07:42

Run, its him not you. You deserve more.

Littleme2023 · 15/10/2024 07:44

Gymbunny89 · 13/10/2024 11:56

I'm just looking for advice. I am having trouble in my relationship and when I've tried to bring up how he has treated me, he turns things round to what I have done wrong or justifies the behaviour because of whatever I have done. I've wrote down some examples to try and gain clarity of the situation but wondering if I'm just being too sensitive. These things have all been over the last 2 years.

  • driving my car aggressively after I told him not to get out the car and start shouting at another driver who pulled out on him. Told me not to speak to him that way/ tell him what to do
  • telling me that I'm crazy and don't live in reality when I bring up things that have upset me
  • frustrated at me for how I train the puppy and asking if I had something wrong with me because I couldn't walk her the way he told me to
  • saying if I didn't do stupid things all the time then he wouldn't have to correct me
  • we have split finances but comments on how I spend money ie. if you think you are buying a new car next year we need to have serious words, telling me I won't be going on holiday with family.
  • Guilting me into having sex by giving me silent treatment when I say no even when ill
  • not wishing me happy birthday
  • shouting at me at a restaurant to sit up and eat properly
  • punched a wall on 2 different occasions when we were arguing but blamed on me for how I spoke to him
I don't know if these all just sound like petty arguments but I feel he's not really treating me like his partner and like he is speaking to a child. We still have good times but any time he speaks to me poorly it just reminds me of all these incidents and I can't seem to let go but I don't know what to do

I read the first point, then replied.

Leave.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 15/10/2024 07:49

None of what he is doing is acceptable Please leave him and do the Freedom program. I left 7 my situation years ago and have never been happier.

Bananalanacake · 15/10/2024 07:52

Who owns the house. Leave and don't tell him until you are out, he sounds like the type to get violent if you try to leave.

crystalize · 15/10/2024 08:04

@PeggyMitchellsCameo What a lovely inspiring and fun post!

Just to add, even though things may not be so bad at the moment doesn't mean you can't make plans to leave. Remember you don't need to discuss, reason or need any excuse to leave. You can literally go when hes not around, leaving a note if you feel like it. In fact it's probably safer this way as he's likely to react badly if he knows you are leaving him.

Littys · 15/10/2024 08:09

Op, please leave asap.
He is an angry violent horror.
You have written so clearly.
It would be so wrong to EVER have children with such scum.
Because he really is scum.
Get out asap. Safely.

RedHelenB · 15/10/2024 08:13

Are you seriously asking if this is OK and normal? Better to be alone.

BCBird · 15/10/2024 08:16

Know your worth. U deserve better OP. Get rid.

AlertCat · 15/10/2024 08:25

Gymbunny89 · 13/10/2024 20:21

@PeggyMitchellsCameo thank you, it obviously shows how warped my mind is atm when I don't think any of the things he's done are big but they really are to everyone else

These men are arch manipulators. They work on you from day 1 and it always starts slow and subtle. Then one day you realise you no longer have a handle on what’s reasonable or even what’s real. I really hope you can leave safely and start again- it will take a long time to recover, this stuff is really damaging to you, don’t underestimate or jump into a new relationship.

A book I found useful is Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. Good luck!

RedHelenB · 15/10/2024 09:57

Gymbunny89 · 13/10/2024 20:21

@PeggyMitchellsCameo thank you, it obviously shows how warped my mind is atm when I don't think any of the things he's done are big but they really are to everyone else

You don't think telling you how to spend your money and not to see your family isn't big? Bloody hell OP, what would you categorise as big?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 15/10/2024 10:00

Fucking wanker, get rid.

AlwaysGinPlease · 15/10/2024 10:01

Red flags?! You're in an incredibly abusive situation. Get rid!

Original poster
Gymbunny89 · 15/10/2024 10:38

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 15/10/2024 07:36

@Gymbunny89 firstly you wrote so well about your situation so somewhere beneath your tired, manipulated mind is your real self, who knows the way this man is behaving is wrong.
Many, many posters on here have been through exactly what you are experiencing.
I went through something similar in my younger years I was an absolute shell of a person. I was underweight, losing my hair, I could barely think straight.
I left the relationship and at the time it felt worse than being in it because I was so confused and blamed myself.
Nobody is perfect, I am certainly not, but he was a manipulative, and drove me into the ground.
I do regret that I stayed so long, it took me a while to get over it, and what I did learn is what I wouldn’t put up with.
The best thing I ever did was invest in therapy for myself.
It is a distant memory now. The man involved has gone from relationship to relationship, via a friend of a friend, he has learned nothing.
Now I am in my 50’s I realise you get one precious life. One. Please don’t waste your time on this man because he can’t be fixed.
But you can, you absolutely can. In time, your body does recover and then your mind follows. It is like withdrawing from a drug at first, but believe me when the cravings pass it will get better.
You deserve to be treated with kindness, decency and respect. I learned that to be treated that way, I had to treat myself in that way first.
To make you laugh (if that’s ok) about 10 years ago my lovely dad called me on his mobile from Morrisons. He was such good fun my dad.
The ex was very vain and his hair was his thing.
My dad’s words…
I’ve just seen Stuart at the checkout. He didn’t see me as I was behind him. He’s going bald.
I asked how bald?
The reply…
Oh he’s got a proper monkey’s arse going on love.
Please reach out to people. Being around people who care about you doing things you enjoy is like a balm to your troubled mind.
You are in my thoughts your story has really touched me. And I have a lovely life now. I did kiss a few frogs to get here but I got to spot red flags.
And road rage was an absolute red flag flying!

Show quote history

Thank you very helpful reply and can relate to not being able to think straight and blaming myself.

I don't know why I think all these things are tiny things, I don't think wall punching etc is small but he minimises everything he does and justifies it off the back of something I've said or done so it can be hard to see it straight and not think it's my fault you know. I think I am a bit worried about being alone and life without him but obviously this situation is wearing me down

OP posts:
PeggyMitchellsCameo · 15/10/2024 12:57

Just think if you didn’t know him and his online profile says his hobby was punching walls and frightening motorists. Would you think - well, that doesn’t sound too bad?
It is really awful.

DucklingSwimmingInstructress · 15/10/2024 13:03

He might be able to charm you when face to face but his underlying character is a very bad one. Each point you name is unacceptable in itself but together they sum up to a really bad deal.

Imagine you are standing on a rock next time you speak with him and consider how he's acting, as if he were a stranger.

Honestly, you need to stop trusting the nice times with this person because they're inextricably part of a very nasty character.

TwistedWonder · 15/10/2024 13:09

I think I am a bit worried about being alone and life without him

Why? What does he bring to your life that enhances it and brings you joy? Hes a nasty abusive cunt and being single for the rest of your life is a million times preferable to spending another day being treated like shit by this pathetic specimen.

pikkumyy77 · 15/10/2024 13:11

NeverDropYourMooncup · 13/10/2024 12:46

Those aren't Red Flags (meaning behaviour that act as warnings of the potential for abuse in the future) - they're active Domestic Abuse.

You are already being abused - mentally, emotionally, financially, sexually and physically (the dangerous driving and punching the wall).

Go and go now.

This is correct. You are in a situation if active abuse. He controls how bad it gets. And he is escalating. Get out fast.

Terrribletwos · 15/10/2024 13:17

@Gymbunny89

Yes, very good post from @PeggyMitchellsCameo

Get out of this abusive relationship any way you can. You are already traumatised.

pikkumyy77 · 15/10/2024 13:21

Feeling confused all the time is another aspect of being in an abusive relationship. That is why Lundy Bancroft’s book is called “Why does he do that?” Because you are trying to make sense of his senseless behavior and, like many women, until you understand it and can convince him that you haven’t caused it you feel you can’t leave.

But your right to be loved, not to be forced sexually, not to be shouted at and hectored, not to be threatened with violence, is YOUR right and it is not to be chipped away or argued away or negotiated away. Its bad to give things to thieves and violent men. You and your life are not booby prizes handed out as makeweight. You are precious and important.

Read Lundy Bancroft. Call the freedom program. Break free and then start healing.

Original poster
Gymbunny89 · 15/10/2024 18:38

I really appreciate the perspectives I've been given and just because things aren't as bad as they were doesn't mean it's not bad enough and that I shouldn't just leave. I know I deserve to be treated with respect and I would probably enjoy life a lot more not waiting for the next thing to kick off even if it meant being single for a long time

OP posts:
Thepossibility · 15/10/2024 19:26

I thought red flags were more hints that the guy is bad and the relationship is toxic. This guy is just openly awful and you would be a fool to stay with him.

dermalermalurd · 15/10/2024 19:29

Run