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Original poster

Is this an acceptable lie?

38 replies

Lifeisjusttoohard · 13/10/2024 11:31

DD 19, has been going out with her bf for around 7 months. He works for a small company which also happens to form part of their hobby. They have a large group of friends and she tells me he treats her well. There have been a couple of red flags which (very unusual for her) she’s let slide…and now this.

He works with a girl who he gets on really well with, she has a bf. DD asked him if he’d ever had a ‘thing’ with her, he said no! A few months ago, he made a TikTok with this girl which Dd thought was a bit flirty. She asked him again if anything had ever happened, he still said no!

Then a few days ago, he was sitting scrolling through old snapchats and a video came up of the two of them, taken before Dd met him. They had both saved the video. It was just a silly clip, but in the comments he’d called her a rat (joking) and she’d replied “You didn’t think I was a rat when you had your tongue down my throat” So…After many denials, and her continually asking him, he eventually admitted they’d had a fling before he met Dd. He maintains he lied to protect Dd from being upset about them working together. She has now broken up with him, but I think he will win her round.

What are your honest opinions please?

OP posts:
Sundaymondaytuesdayetc · 13/10/2024 11:47

Well he is a liar. Liars can't be trusted
And he tried to hide his previous relationship with someone he still works with and who still seems very much part of his life. Who he is still close enough to make toktok videos with. So it's safe to assume someone he is still attracted to.

I think your DD would be wise to listen to what this behaviour says about him i.e he is not to be trusted.

Mrsttcno1 · 13/10/2024 11:49

Personally I’m of the opinion that past relationships that pre-date your current one aren’t something that you have the right to know the details of. I can see both sides, if she’s asked repeatedly it’s a bit odd that he’s denied and denied, but equally I can see where if it was a one off thing before he even knew her and he still works with her then it’s less drama to not say than it is to have a frantic girlfriend worrying and questioning every time you’re at work.

I have no doubt I don’t know the name of everybody my husband kisses before he knew me, I don’t need to know, it’s not my business who he was with before I knew him.

Original poster
Lifeisjusttoohard · 13/10/2024 11:57

Sundaymondaytuesdayetc · 13/10/2024 11:47

Well he is a liar. Liars can't be trusted
And he tried to hide his previous relationship with someone he still works with and who still seems very much part of his life. Who he is still close enough to make toktok videos with. So it's safe to assume someone he is still attracted to.

I think your DD would be wise to listen to what this behaviour says about him i.e he is not to be trusted.

Edited

But do you think he was genuinely trying to protect her from being worried, because he like her a lot and didn’t want to spoil things by telling her. This is what he’s saying!

There have been previous lies.

OP posts:
MopTopInAHop · 13/10/2024 11:58

I don’t think this is the business of a parent.

Original poster
Lifeisjusttoohard · 13/10/2024 12:02

MopTopInAHop · 13/10/2024 11:58

I don’t think this is the business of a parent.

I have told my daughter to do what she feels is right for her. It is her life and I am not telling her what to do. At the end of the day she is my daughter and I am concerned, like most parents would be.

OP posts:
SGBK4862 · 13/10/2024 12:16

Lifeisjusttoohard · 13/10/2024 11:57

But do you think he was genuinely trying to protect her from being worried, because he like her a lot and didn’t want to spoil things by telling her. This is what he’s saying!

There have been previous lies.

Show quote history

Could be. But it's up to your dd to decide. If he is a liar, no doubt it will come to light eventually. But he is young (presumably) and young people make mistakes. I did things when dating early in my life that I can't believe of myself now - some of which I can see would now be called cheating, but I didn't think of it that way back then.

rainbowstardrops · 13/10/2024 12:24

It's not the fact that he's still working with someone that he had a fling with but the multiple lies about it. Why? Maybe he thinks their current 'friendship' could be seen as inappropriate as they both have different partners now?
I don't blame your daughter for ending things because how will she ever be able to trust him again?

BobbyBiscuits · 13/10/2024 12:28

It could be that they were friends with benefits, or just had a couple of drunken snogs. And he didn't want you to think he's into shagging his female friends. Maybe it meant very little and he thought it easier not to bother mentioning it.
It's not the best but not the worst thing in the world. If it's because he actually wants to go out with her and not you, then obviously you shouldn't be with him. But he had his chance before and he isn't with her now so that ship could've well and truly sailed.
I think if you know her and get a vibe of their friendship, then you can tell if there's anything to worry about.

Singleandproud · 13/10/2024 12:31

I don't think it's ok for her to keep pressuring him on something that happened in the past. He obviously didn't want to talk about it so her behaviour is off there. His past is just that as hers is and if he didnt want to disclose something that doesn't impact her before they even met then shouldn't have to.

They are under 20, I really dont think it's that unusual to have a fairly meaningless snog on a drunken night out when single at that age. It quite possibly was nothing or even a dare, or drinking game challenge.

DoreenonTill8 · 13/10/2024 12:33

What would she have done he'd said yes from the start?
Have they had a conversation about all the other relationships/kisses they've both had?

pinkyredrose · 13/10/2024 12:34

He dated a girl before meeting your daughter, that's no big deal but the lies are.

Clotheshanger · 13/10/2024 12:37

Mrsttcno1 · 13/10/2024 11:49

Personally I’m of the opinion that past relationships that pre-date your current one aren’t something that you have the right to know the details of. I can see both sides, if she’s asked repeatedly it’s a bit odd that he’s denied and denied, but equally I can see where if it was a one off thing before he even knew her and he still works with her then it’s less drama to not say than it is to have a frantic girlfriend worrying and questioning every time you’re at work.

I have no doubt I don’t know the name of everybody my husband kisses before he knew me, I don’t need to know, it’s not my business who he was with before I knew him.

This. And as everyone involved is presumably very young if the OP’s DD is only 19, it seems a bit crazed to be scrutinising someone’s past to this extent.

Sundaymondaytuesdayetc · 13/10/2024 12:40

Lifeisjusttoohard · 13/10/2024 11:57

But do you think he was genuinely trying to protect her from being worried, because he like her a lot and didn’t want to spoil things by telling her. This is what he’s saying!

There have been previous lies.

Show quote history

People are either truthful and honest or they are liars. You say there have been previous lies. And now he is lying about his relationship with this woman. So he is a proven liar.

He is justifying his lying in this case.
If he really cared about your DD he would have treated her as a rational human being capable of making her own mind up. He would have told her the truth. As it was he took.away her right to make an informed decision about whether there was anything to worry about in his relationship with this other woman.

Also by lying to her it definitely makes it seem as though he knows there is something between himself and this other woman that he feels the need to hide.

I think to continue a relationship with someone whose natural reaction is to lie is just asking for trouble. You can never trust them.

LettuceSpray · 13/10/2024 12:43

Lifeisjusttoohard · 13/10/2024 11:57

But do you think he was genuinely trying to protect her from being worried, because he like her a lot and didn’t want to spoil things by telling her. This is what he’s saying!

There have been previous lies.

Show quote history

How on earth would strangers on MN be able to work out why he has said or done things? It’s quite likely that even he doesn’t know, because most people don’t understand their own motivations or they will tell themselves they acted with the best intentions. Everyone does this, even good wise adults.

We have no idea what really happened. The most important thing is that DD herself works out what she is prepared to tolerate. This is also true for everyone. We should spend less time trying to be detectives about other people’s motives and just decide what it is that we want. The sooner DD decides this for herself the better for her future emotional well being.

Elektra1 · 13/10/2024 12:45

A few possible explanations:

  1. He has a "thing" for the other girl and doesn't want his relationship with DD to interfere with his flirty friendship.
  1. He is aware that people can be very sensitive about previous partners/crushes and just didn't want to get into it with DD (especially if it was only a one-off kiss).
  1. He's cheating on DD.

If I were your DD, the lie would have got my hackles up but I'd believe nothing going on until clear evidence to the contrary.

If I were you, I'd stay well out of it. My DD sometimes talks to me about issues between her and her bf and in general I don't offer views unless she expressly asks what I think. Young people (well, all people actually, but young people especially) have to learn what is and isn't acceptable in relationships through their own experience.

Clotheshanger · 13/10/2024 12:46

LettuceSpray · 13/10/2024 12:43

How on earth would strangers on MN be able to work out why he has said or done things? It’s quite likely that even he doesn’t know, because most people don’t understand their own motivations or they will tell themselves they acted with the best intentions. Everyone does this, even good wise adults.

We have no idea what really happened. The most important thing is that DD herself works out what she is prepared to tolerate. This is also true for everyone. We should spend less time trying to be detectives about other people’s motives and just decide what it is that we want. The sooner DD decides this for herself the better for her future emotional well being.

Show quote history

That’s fair.

AutumnLeaves24 · 13/10/2024 12:57

Well, having been with someone many years ago that 'lied to protect me', I'd advise her dump him.

He didn't lie to protect her, he lied so HE didn't get any grief!

I personally don't agree that anything someone did before they met you is none of your business. Of course you're not going to go into every single kiss/job/decision you've ever made, but IMO you're entitled to know 'big' things (children/prison/marriages) and the truth if you ask a direct question.

people don't lie to protect you, they lie to spare themselves from the result of you knowing the truth, to protect themselves!!

AutumnLeaves24 · 13/10/2024 12:57

Well, having been with someone many years ago that 'lied to protect me', I'd advise her dump him.

He didn't lie to protect her, he lied so HE didn't get any grief!

I personally don't agree that anything someone did before they met you is none of your business. Of course you're not going to go into every single kiss/job/decision you've ever made, but IMO you're entitled to know 'big' things (children/prison/marriages) and the truth if you ask a direct question.

people don't lie to protect you, they lie to spare themselves from the result of you knowing the truth, to protect themselves!!

Original poster
Lifeisjusttoohard · 13/10/2024 13:07

I am not giving my daughter my opinions. Just merely asking what others think. As I say he has previous for lying.

Twice he has gone out clubbing and not told her u til afterwards. She’s very chilled out and not the jealous type so there was no need not to mention it. One occasion he said he was just going to a 50th birthday (which was true - she found out they’d gone clubbing afterwards) The second time he’d told her he hadn’t let her know because his phone had died. A lie because he’d posted pics from his phone after he’d said it had died.

Another time he asked her to go to a fair and stay over at his sisters. She didn’t want to so said no, as she was tired and they like to stay out til early hours. He then told her that if she didn’t go his sister would assume Dd didn’t like her. Plus he’d told his sister they were going, even though Dd had said no. He turned up at the house three times, begging her to go. She eventually went as she said she couldn’t stand the hassle.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeisjusttoohard · 13/10/2024 13:11

AutumnLeaves24 · 13/10/2024 12:57

Well, having been with someone many years ago that 'lied to protect me', I'd advise her dump him.

He didn't lie to protect her, he lied so HE didn't get any grief!

I personally don't agree that anything someone did before they met you is none of your business. Of course you're not going to go into every single kiss/job/decision you've ever made, but IMO you're entitled to know 'big' things (children/prison/marriages) and the truth if you ask a direct question.

people don't lie to protect you, they lie to spare themselves from the result of you knowing the truth, to protect themselves!!

She is a very chilled out, sensible girl and not remotely jealous. She has a male friend who she sometimes goes to the gym with. She told her bf this from the start. There’s nothing in it so she had nothing to hide. She’s just annoyed that he lied for absolutely no reason.

OP posts:
Stormyweatheroutthere · 13/10/2024 13:16

He lied so he could continue to have some sort of relationship without causing suspicion....

Original poster
Lifeisjusttoohard · 13/10/2024 13:19

Singleandproud · 13/10/2024 12:31

I don't think it's ok for her to keep pressuring him on something that happened in the past. He obviously didn't want to talk about it so her behaviour is off there. His past is just that as hers is and if he didnt want to disclose something that doesn't impact her before they even met then shouldn't have to.

They are under 20, I really dont think it's that unusual to have a fairly meaningless snog on a drunken night out when single at that age. It quite possibly was nothing or even a dare, or drinking game challenge.

Edited

She wasn’t pressuring him, initially she just simply asked him and he said no. It was only when she became suspicious because of other things that she pressed it, because she felt he was lying. He has previously lied so obviously she wanted the truth.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lifeisjusttoohard · 13/10/2024 13:24

DoreenonTill8 · 13/10/2024 12:33

What would she have done he'd said yes from the start?
Have they had a conversation about all the other relationships/kisses they've both had?

She’d have just accepted it. This is the weird thing, she isn’t at all jealous. He went on a lad’s holiday and she made absolutely zero fuss as it was booked before they met. It’s precisely because she is so relaxed that the lie has annoyed her more.

OP posts:
Doingmybest12 · 13/10/2024 13:41

Despite what you say about her being laid back ,it doesn't sound like she is. It sounds like the sort of question where there is no ok answer and he's gone for what seemed easier. It doesn't sound very easy to date within a group of friends which also is to do with work and the hobby. I would hope they'd both decide its best to call it a day, too complicated.

Original poster
Lifeisjusttoohard · 13/10/2024 14:21

Doingmybest12 · 13/10/2024 13:41

Despite what you say about her being laid back ,it doesn't sound like she is. It sounds like the sort of question where there is no ok answer and he's gone for what seemed easier. It doesn't sound very easy to date within a group of friends which also is to do with work and the hobby. I would hope they'd both decide its best to call it a day, too complicated.

I’m not sure what you mean about no answer being ok. I think if someone asks you a question, then there is never a good reason to answer with a lie.

Also not sure why you say she’s not laid back. He’s been on a lad’s holiday, weekends in Liverpool etc…she has no issues with any of that. Yes she has an issue with this because he’s lied about other stuff too.

OP posts: