Am I overreacting?

[OpalFox]

Me and partner had a lovely meal with our 3 year old. Put her to bed. We stayed up watched telly. Went to bed watched some more telly. I fell asleep about half 11. I've woken up and bf has gone to the pub no note or text. I know this because done it before. I think it's wrong but need to be told if it's normal and if it is I need to try and get over it and not get upse

My first thought was what time do the pubs stay open to where you live? I can't believe he has gone to the pub. A club perhaps. But he could be anywhere and with anybody..

And no it's definitely not alright that he just sneaks out of the house and leaves you and your child without saying a word to you. Totally disrespectful.

Yes you should be talking to him . This is not acceptable behaviour for a committed partner and father.

So he sat with you all night waited until you fell asleep then snuck out the house. ?

Yes that's weird. And surely pubs shut at 12?

I guess if he did half of the housework and parenting when he’s home and some of the night wakes etc.id be ok with it? But if he didn’t then it’s really my free time he’s taking to go hang out who knows where as I assume he makes up the sleep so I’d be shitty.

Well ask yourself if you snook out of the house when everyone was asleep, no text or note, how would he react?

He's disrespectful at least, cheating at worst, and definitely doesn't see you all as a family unit.

Only you know what he's like and if he does this kind of thing regularly, never let someone make you believe you're overreacting to disrespect.

In all honesty I'd have no problem with him going to the pub if I fell asleep on the sofa, 8pm ish. But 11.30 is downright weird and yes, I'd be very suspicious.

Weird opening hours for a pub?! What time does it shut?

I guess if you have asked him not to do this without sending you a text, then it's annoying that he hasn't listened.

This is very weird. Sounds like he either has a drinking problem or is having an affair

I think this is weird. You get into bed together after an evening together. In a relationship that has DC. To me that implies you are both done for the day and will be staying put. Going out again without letting you know feels sneaky and deceitful.

If he genuinely thinks it's fine, can you do it one night? Because if he has an issue with that, then he is a massive hypocrite.

That's really rude. When you live with someone, it's polite to let them know if you plan to go out, where you will be and roughly how long.

Yes, it’s weird/suspicious and disrespectful.

Is he back now? What does have to say for himself?

No it’s not normal and I wouldn’t find it acceptable or actually believe he was at the pub.

No one wants to wake up randomly in the middle of the night to the other side of the bed empty and not know where their partner is. Especially with children included in the dynamics.

The fact of the situation is, you’ve told him you don’t like this behaviour and it makes you feel a certain way and he has chosen to ignore that and continue to do it.

I would be pissed off too. It’s completely unfair for him to not at least let you know his whereabouts. Also there’s an element of “freedom” dads tend to have that mums (for whatever reason) aren’t afforded, so that adds to the bitterness of the situation.

DH used to regularly do things like this and it was the cause of 10+ arguments in our early years. MN used to tell me to LTB but I didn’t. Fortunately for me, the penny somehow dropped one day (or he just got lazier and couldn’t be arsed to go out anymore?). There’s no telling whether this will stop happening or not!

Only normal if your partner is cheating or an alcoholic!

How many pubs are open at that time? ) I thought majority of pubs would be closed by 12 o’clock

So every relationship has different boundaries but for me it's fine to go out late but it's not fine to not Message and let you know so st least if you wake up you know where he is. Surely that's a small compromise he could make for your peace of mind!

It is unacceptable if you've had a quiet family evening and then he's snuck off when he thinks the coast is clear without a word.

Still a bit suspicious if he was going to this pub!

11:30 pub visit, yeah right. This is dodgy as hell.

You would only be arsed to go out at that time of night if you are very motivated to do so. This means a problematic relationship with alcohol or someone he really, really wants to see. So I would feel weird about this too and like I couldn’t trust him.

Has he done this before?
basically waited till you were asleep then went out on his own.
I don’t believe the pub story.

My friend's ex used to sneak out to his mistress exactly that way.

Well, where's the pub? If he was wide awake and went to the local 5 mins away for last orders and a bit of company I wouldn't have minded (although a note would be better) rather than disturb you. If he's gone out into town and comes back pissed that's not ok. If it's a pattern too makes a difference

It's the fact that you'd already both gone to bed that makes this pretty shit.

Re on openings though, there's a local near us that never actually seems to close. Unless the police do a drive past. But it's pretty bleak past midnight.

If he got into bed at the same time as you then I thinks its suspicious. I don't know anyone who goes out to the pub at 11.30 unless they're single and meeting friends to go clubbing.

This is so disrespectful, it’s as if he’s waiting for you to sleep to escape, I’d never do this and wouldn’t want my partner to. If he said do you mind I’m thinking of going to the pub that’s maybe different but tbh I wouldn’t want to be with a guy who wanted to go to a pub in his own at that time of night

I would find the whole thing inconceivable, you need to know if you are the only adult in the house for safety reasons or if your child cries, you need to know for politeness reasons if someone goes out, let alone at 11.30pm or later, it's just a form of communication to say 'thought I'd pop out with Dave, bit late but keep sleeping' or whatever. So odd, but then him going out at 11.30pm onwards is a bit strange, surprised he's got the energy!