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Original poster

Upset that I never found the one

33 replies

BrandNewKey · 12/10/2024 21:43

I married young (early 20s) and got divorced early 40s after my husband treated me badly and subsequently cheated. Since then I have had a couple of relationships but ended them as the men turned out to be a disappointment. I am so gutted that I never found a true love, I am surrounded by people (socially and at work) that seem to have such fantastic relationships, their OHs buy them gifts and treat them so well. To add to the jealousy they also seem to have perfect, compliant children. One of my kids is constantly bunking off school and is in detention every other week. I just feel like I would be so much happier if I could find a decent partner, or failing that have no contact with all the smug marrieds/ parents that have perfect relationships and children. Where do people meet such great guys?

OP posts:
PortiasBiscuit · 12/10/2024 21:46

Met mine at a dating agency 25 years ago.
I am happily married and have got over most of the fairly extensive issues with my children. That makes me contented and grateful.. I am not smug and resent being referred to as such.

MeganM3 · 12/10/2024 21:52

No relationship is ever perfect.

Lots of people look very happy... but things often aren't quite as they seem for one reason or another.
Just think how many affair stories start with one person being absolutely shocked.

'The one' is total BS. Be happy in yourself and with yourself. I have sympathy for your parenting predicament though... and do agree some DC are more compliant and easier than others, it's really hard.

Meadowfinch · 12/10/2024 22:09

I think the idea that a perfect man is going to show up and solve all the problems is seriously unrealistic.

Surely the best approach is to sort the issues yourself, and then date without any expectations. I find that much less disappointing

Levithecat · 12/10/2024 22:22

In the nicest possible way, this is a you problem. You have a lot going on with your kids and ofc the support of a good partner would be amazing. But I don’t think people have to have one great love. And even if they are madly in love it’s a massive compromise (especially the second, third or whatever time around), and what you think you’re seeing socially / at work is just a mediated version of their relationships.

FergusSingsTheBIues · 12/10/2024 22:24

I absolutely hate being called smug just because I have a happy marriage. Stinks of jealousy to be honest.

B1rd · 12/10/2024 23:50

I finally met my lovely man at 52.
I'd have a serious sit down chat with your child who is bunking off school, and place some boundaries in place. Get them back to a child youre proud of.

sunflowersngunpowdr · 13/10/2024 01:15

Some married people will look at you and think you are the luckiest person in the world to have a healthy child. It's all perspective. God blessed us all with different things.

Mmhmmn · 13/10/2024 01:21

seem to have such fantastic relationships

key words: seem to

they are not all having fantastic relationships I guarantee you that.

Alalalala · 13/10/2024 01:29

@BrandNewKey Please ignore the tone-deaf and self-absorbed posters who have only bothered to write to complain that they aren’t smug - after smugly asserting how happy they are 🙄

coxesorangepippin · 13/10/2024 02:05

The perfect lives of others are just a facade

I do not know a couple where they have a perfect relationship.It's impossible. Including their children.

aCatCalledFawkes · 13/10/2024 06:16

My life long friend from school who I met when I was 5yrs has had over 20yrs of marriage and has just recently having to deal with her husband being put on end of life care with bowel cancer.
I have no idea how she will cope without him and what her future looks like.
I’ve been single for many years and I can honestly say I have no resentment to them all. It’s just sad that I have met someone who I think will be in my life for a long time and we won’t ever get to spend time with them as a couple.

elderflowerspritzer · 13/10/2024 06:18

FergusSingsTheBIues · 12/10/2024 22:24

I absolutely hate being called smug just because I have a happy marriage. Stinks of jealousy to be honest.

This. I was sympathetic until you mentioned the 'smug marrieds that have perfect relationships and children'. People aren't 'smug' just because they have decent relationships. They're not doing it just to annoy you. And the reality is that no one actually has a perfect relationship or perfect children, you are just seeing the exterior.

HappiestSleeping · 13/10/2024 06:24

Happiness is not a future event.

I agree with the @Levithecat In that you need to be working out how to be happy for you first.

Happyinarcon · 13/10/2024 06:36

My kid was avoiding school and I took the time to find out why and then pulled them out of school and made other arrangements. The reason some parents have good relationships with their children is because they prioritise their needs and get involved with their lives.

Bestyearever2024 · 13/10/2024 06:39

I just feel like I would be so much happier if I could find a decent partner, or failing that have no contact with all the smug marrieds/ parents that have perfect relationships and children

I think that looking for someone to MAKE you happy or believing that you can only be truly happy in a relationship, is where you're going wrong

And feeling bitter and envious will come across in your energy and personality......so you're not being your best self

Strawberrysherbets · 13/10/2024 08:39

FergusSingsTheBIues · 12/10/2024 22:24

I absolutely hate being called smug just because I have a happy marriage. Stinks of jealousy to be honest.

You think? 🙄 of course she’s jealous. She says she’s jealous.

GreyCarpet · 13/10/2024 08:50

I just feel like I would be so much happier if I could find a decent partner, or failing that have no contact with all the smug marrieds/ parents that have perfect relationships and children

I understand the disappointment in your current circumstances.

But the pp who said happiness is not a future event is right.

If you want yo have a decent partner, you need to first be a decent partner and by that I mean be content in yourself and in your own life because, well, decent people are going to be looking for someone who enhances their life and not a fixer upper project.

When I was in a single slump, I never once felt resentment to those who appeared to have happy relationships. I sometimes wondered what they were doing differently to me and I also realised that, behind closed doors, everything was not as it seemed. Not to say every relationship is awful and struggling but it's naive to think that these other people have no issues. They are not 'smug' for finding ways of making it work.

You must be the change you wish to see in the world and that means your own personal world as well as the world at large.

Snorlaxo · 13/10/2024 08:52

You have to move away from the idea that having a man will make you happy.

You could meet a man that is a great match for you sexually and emotionally but you’d still have problems like your child being in detention a lot. The hypothetical perfect man can’t fix your problems because he’s not a parent and your child isn’t going to accept some random (to him) telling him what to do and you will end up with new problems because perfect man could have a difficult ex and his own problems with kids, money, work ...

I am single and living with my 3 young adult kids so I have lots of sympathy with the child issue. My oldest started behaving badly in year 11 , until then he never got detentions. He ended up with good enough GCSEs for his next steps but it was a stressful time and I spent lots of time trying to get to the bottom of why he just wouldn’t go to school.

GreyCarpet · 13/10/2024 08:54

People on here often post that women are not rehabilitation centres for damaged men. This is true but the reverse is also true.

Spend some time reflecting on yourself, your own life, your own interests.and values etc. Learn who you are and what you have to offer. Like yourself. Because that's how you find a decent partner. Not by being resentful that no one is coming along to rescue you and make your life easier. Or that others have what you currently do not.

GreyCarpet · 13/10/2024 08:55

And feeling bitter and envious will come across in your energy and personality......so you're not being your best self

Essentially, this.

GreyCarpet · 13/10/2024 08:58

Alalalala · 13/10/2024 01:29

@BrandNewKey Please ignore the tone-deaf and self-absorbed posters who have only bothered to write to complain that they aren’t smug - after smugly asserting how happy they are 🙄

It's not tone deaf.

Because people are picking up on and responding to something the OP has said, are reflecting on that and giving honest responses.

If she holds this negative position, it will be reflected in her 'energy' (as another poster said) and this will impact how she is perceived by others.

whiteroseredrose · 13/10/2024 09:05

FFS 'smug marrieds' is a phrase from Bridget Jones's diary. No need to take it personally.

However, as people have said, few marriages are perfect. Few lives are perfect. Most families that I know have some crap going on.

You married and had your DC early. Some of us kissed an awful lot of frogs before finding the right one and settling down.

I come from a long line of very successful second marriages (hopefully excluding myself) so there is hope.

The key to success, from observation, is to make sure spouse number 2 is not a remodel of number 1.

My DGM met her 2nd husband through friends, my DF met my lovely stepmother at work, and my DM met my wonderful stepfather at a singles' night at a country pub.

Lovely single people are out there. Sometimes you have to look beneath the surface (not stick to your usual type).

BeRoseScroller · 13/10/2024 09:09

I get this 100%. I’ve just turned 43 have an awful ex I have to put up with as I have 4 children, and I literally long for the right guy to come along, something that I think about every day. But at the same time all I can do is work on me until he comes along.

Aubreyaubrey · 13/10/2024 09:22

@BrandNewKey For me, we were friends, dated, broke up, then reconnected. Both were in a better place emotionally/mentally and it really is amazing. When I actually resigned myself to being alone and was actually happy in myself, the right person turned up. We both surprise ourselves because we don't need each other, we just want each other. I'm late 40s

PumpingIrnBru · 13/10/2024 09:43

Ffs people. OP has literally written she’s jealous.

”Smug-marrieds” is a JOKE colloquialism from a famous book/movie. Stop being so bloody self-centred.

OP - I met my DH at 40. The person you want may appear, he may not, but what you need to do is work on your whataboutism. Having a partner might help you, it might not. What you need to do is set up your life so that you are happy and a new partner will be a cherry on top!

In terms of how - online dating. It’s going to require dedication and a lighthearted acceptance that there’ll be loads of shit dates but it’s your best chance to meet an actually single man who wants a relationship.