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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I find out if dp is having an affair???

34 replies

Bezi · 23/04/2008 13:29

I read my dp's phone msgs this morning (maybe this was wrong of me) basically because I am not sure if I trust him, we have had problems for the last 6 months or so where he goes on nights out and dosnt come home til the next morning, the most recent of which was last weekend, the last time I read his msgs about 3 months ago I found out he had gone out with a girl from work, when he told me he gone out with a bloke, so this morning when I read his phone I couldnt beleive it him and this same girl has been texting each other last night, I was in a state and in a rush whilst reading his msgs coz he was in shower and I didnt want to get caught so I cant remember all msgs but it was something to do with what they did at lunch and the last msg from her said nyt nyt gorgeous!! is this normal would a girl write that to a bloke who she was just friends with??I dont want to conforont him without any hard evidence but dont know what to do???

OP posts:
NoNickname · 23/04/2008 13:34

I would suggest that you don't confront him yet, as if he is cheating, he will most probably deny it and have all sorts of plausible excuses. I think you need to find out for definite, and then also put in place a strategy of what to do next, and then confront him.

Don't have any useful suggestions for finding out the truth, but I'm sure others will.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/04/2008 13:35

No, not normal. Doesn't mean they are sleeping together but it's not appropriate. Sounds like he is having a heavy flirtation with her at the least and has been for a while. Where does he sleep when he stays out all night?
Situations like this (he is basically pretending to be single to himself when he does this) often lead to infidelity in the end, so it needs to be stopped. He might be angry that you read his messages, but if you had good reason (ie not just being paranoid/snooping) you should tell him and hold your ground. He may get defensive/angry or try to downplay it and make out you are over reacting, but remember you are not, and he is in the wrong without a doubt. Lying to you for starters, and flirting with this girl. I'm not saying attached men can never go clubbing or whatever, but this situation is fishy to say the least. xxx

NotABanana · 23/04/2008 13:36

Say you were looking for a number in his phone and found some texts that you were puzzled about. See what his reaction is, or just tell him you don't trust him, you have read his texts and you want an explanation.

LadySanders · 23/04/2008 13:37

he may not be having an affair, but i'd be pretty pissed off if a) dp lied about the lunch, and b) was getting texts saying night night gorgeous.

hecate · 23/04/2008 13:42

Someone on a similar thread suggested something - get his phone and change the numbers - alter your number to have her name (or whatever name he's stored her number under) so that he'll send a text to your mobile in error.

Sneaky, but tbh, there's no rulebook for this.

Original poster
Bezi · 23/04/2008 13:51

hecate idea sounds good, although it is v difficult to get hold of his phone usually takes it everywhere with him, including into bathroom when has shower was unusual that he didnt thia morning. I cant live not knowing its going to be playing on my mind til I find out now, but if I do confront him I know he will deny it and say I'm being paranoid etc.

OP posts:
MissGelly · 23/04/2008 13:56

Oh lord. Why would anyone take the phone into the shower unless they've got something to hide? It is unaccepable for another woman to be texting your partner goodnight. Was he with her at the weekend?

I am sorry for you... there seems to be an epidemic of these types of posts on this board of late!

CountessDracula · 23/04/2008 13:59

You need his mobile bills
you can get them online

pattymc · 23/04/2008 14:01

Hi Bezi, have to say if it was me I would be very sneaky and find a way to get some clear evidence before saying anything. Have to be honest if someone is texting 'nyt nyt gorgeous' then I would be pretty certain something was going on. It is NOT normal. BUT if you say anything your dp is likely to just blame it on a 'crazy girl at work'. You need to play it cool and work out a way to get hold of his phone, see if he has kept any of his sent texts. have to say I think Hecate's idea is a good one, as sneaky as it seems, you have to find out for sure what is going on before you confront otherwise it will be harder to prove and as horrible the outcome it is better you know what sort of person he is.

Original poster
Bezi · 23/04/2008 14:17

Maybe I could try to swap sim cards with him, then any msgs she sends him would com to me, but that would be v risky if he found out.will just have to wait and see what happens although v difficult to live with him when I think something might be going on. He though I was crazy this morning and crying for no reason, because I dint want to say anything and cause argument in front of ds who is only 1!!!

OP posts:
liz2388 · 23/04/2008 14:20

you are much more restrained than me i am afraid! i have had a similar experience myself and the absolute fury within me meant i had to confront my ex immediately. in my experience texts of this nature are never innocent. whilst it doesnt necessarily mean he is sleeping with this woman it is indicative of a relationship which is wholly inappropriate. id tell him you looked in his phone and ask for an explanation. say you realise that he will be upset with you for looking but, given the history and his recent behaviour you dont feel the need to beat yourself up over it unduly. he will probably act hurt for you betraying his trust, ie to turn the situation back to you. the right response is to point out whatever you have done is one thing - what is the explanation for the texts? have you checked the sent messages btw? do i seem very hardline??! just heard of this sort of thing happening to women i know far far too much. texts are a bad business altogether! good luck.

Original poster
Bezi · 23/04/2008 14:28

Yeah I checked the sent msgs, it wasnt one way I just wish I'd had more time to read them properply some of them didnt make much sense tbh, but they def seemed fishy they started with her saying she was going to bed he asked why she was tired, then she said something about what happened at lunch!!

OP posts:
liz2388 · 23/04/2008 14:33

i had an inkling that things weren't right with my ex and i was so angry that he had made me feel unduly suspicious in the past with his denials that seeing what was going on was such a relief. you may not be anywhere near this stage. if he keeps his phone with him at all times - especially if this is a relatively new thing - then i would be very wary. the idea of putting your number under her name is a very good one. quite how you will have the chance to do it is another story!

essexheroine · 23/04/2008 14:41

CD, how do you get on line bills?

stirlingmum · 23/04/2008 14:50

He may keep his phone with him but he must sleep at some time!!
Can you wait until he is asleep and take your time going through the messages? Write them down if it helps, with her number so you can at least contact her and ask her what is going on (obviously in a calm manner) if that is what you want to do.
Dont feel bad about checking the phone. He has put you in this situation.
I trusted my h but he was having an affair and one of my regrets now is that I never checked his phone. I know now that I would have found out about the affair much sooner if I had read their texts.

MascaraOHara · 23/04/2008 14:56

can you help him 'lose' his phone? just make sure it's switched on with charge when he does 'lose' it

MascaraOHara · 23/04/2008 14:57

god, I used to remember checking my ex's phone when he was sleeping.. and I'm not that sort of person at all.. it's a horrible feeling to feel like you're stooping so low.

Then he got wise and just deleted everything all the time

CountessDracula · 23/04/2008 15:09

You just register online for them

I did it ages ago - I can't remmeber if you need a password or not - do you know if he has one?

CountessDracula · 23/04/2008 15:09

(could I just clarify that I get my own bills online!)

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 23/04/2008 15:42

register online with the mobile company - you may not need a password (you probably create one) unless he has already set this up. I'm sure with 3 I just had to enter my mobile number and create a password, maybe a couple of security questions that you will probably know anyway like post code and DOB. If they ask for a password try his mother's maiden name, many companies suggest using that when you set the password up.
Lol I sound like a stalker! Good luck xxxx

Nati8na · 23/04/2008 17:01

maybe hes left the messages on there on purpose so he can get shot of you.After all you did say you had been through a rough six months.
Perfect opertunity for you to freak and kick him out.
maybe you should just ask him if he want out of the relationship,would save a lot of messing about with phones and playing detective.

mampam · 23/04/2008 17:06

Oh my god Bezi, the bit where you say the text said "why are you tired............" has given me the sick feeling I had when I read the texts on my ex's phone when I found out he was having an affair. Sorry.

I asked him if I could play a game on his phone and he willingly gave it to me, only because he had deleted all the texts that she had sent to him. Fortunately for me he didn't realise that all his texts that he sent to her were being saved and I read all of those. The incriminating one I will never forget "I would rather be there snuggled up on the sofa with you", and that was when, at the time, my whole life fell apart.

That was nearly four years ago now and whilst we've both moved on (I'm married again and so is he (to her, might I add!)), that initial feeling, almost like your breath is taken away, when you first find out your other half is having an affair, is a feeling I will never ever forget for as long as I live.

Bezi you need to take another look at that phone. You need to find out for sure if this is a fully blown thing or just in the early text flirty stages. Goodluck.

littlewoman · 23/04/2008 17:06

My xh definitely wanted me to find out. Horrible though the idea is, Nati8na might be right

littlewoman · 23/04/2008 17:09

More like my guts being kicked in with me, mampam, but yes I remember that feeling ... and the feeling that time has stopped or been suspended

surreygirl · 23/04/2008 17:50

Like Mampam I too found out my xh was having an affair from mobile messages though I hacked into voicemail messages to confirm as he was deleting all texts! Very stalker like I know but we'd been together 12 years and I just knew something was up. I asked him and he denied it - she was just a good friend at work who was going through a tough time and he was supporting her. Yeah right!

I know exactly what Mampam & Littlewoman mean about that initial feeling when you first find out. You do feel sick to the core.

My xh later confessed that he wanted me to find out as he was too chicken to fess up

Still 8 years on I am now happily remarried to wonderful DH and have DS of 11 weeks and xh is apparently unhappily wed to the other woman.

Anyway Bezi, good luck.... thinking of you xx

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