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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

To tell DH about pregnancy

26 replies

Indigodino · 12/10/2024 18:02

Really struggling with how to approach this situation with my DH. Bit of background we are in our early 30s with a 1 yo DS. I have recently found out I am pregnant and don’t know how to approach it with my husband. We are currently paying down a large amount of CC debt and hadn’t even considered another child until we could afford for me to have maternity leave. I really don’t want to continue the pregnancy and had a terrible time PP and don’t know if I could go through it again with a toddler as my husband works long shifts and a 3 hour commute means a lot would be left to me. I feel if I tell him he will guilt me in to going through with the pregnancy and I will end up resenting him or I will convince him to end the pregnancy and he will resent me. Part of me wants to book a termination without him knowing but I know that is an awful idea as we do not keep things from each other and are always open. I just don’t know what to do and how to move forward!

OP posts:
ByTealShaker · 12/10/2024 18:03

Surely when he ejaculated inside you, you must have known the outcome could have been pregnancy though right ?

smallsilvercloud · 12/10/2024 18:18

Personally I don't think it's wrong to keep it a secret or disguise it as a miscarriage, just my thoughts, others maybe horrified but I think if it keeps you relationship strong without resentment on both sides. It's your body, your choice.

YouveGotAFastCar · 12/10/2024 18:24

I wouldn’t pretend it was a miscarriage.

I can see the logic in protecting him from pain if you’re sure you don’t want the baby, and you don’t need his support; but I wouldn’t be able to lie to him that I’d got pregnant and something had gone wrong. Surely the lie, and the sympathy for that lie, would make you feel awful? And you’d have to live that forever. It’d definitely come up again if and when you TTC in the future.

Number of pregnancies is recorded with the midwife, so you’d have to avoid him ever coming to a midwife appointment again or seeing your notes, etc.

I’d just hide the whole thing, if that’s your choice.

Onelifeonly · 12/10/2024 18:28

Wouid he really not listen to your very good reasons for wanting a termination? If so, I think that's very sad. You're young enough to consider conceiving some time in the future if you want to, so it's not as if this is his last chance for a second child.

I think honesty is the best policy - get your arguments ready and be determined not to be swayed. Secrets don't go away - they haunt you on the inside.

savethatkitty · 12/10/2024 18:29

I don't think you need to tell him in this case. Some things are better left unknown. Have the termination if that's your choice.

Original poster
Indigodino · 12/10/2024 21:31

ByTealShaker · 12/10/2024 18:03

Surely when he ejaculated inside you, you must have known the outcome could have been pregnancy though right ?

Edited

Contraceptive failure followed by emergency contraception which obviously was also unsuccessful. I’ve been counting down the days until I could test but had the feeling where I just knew my body

OP posts:
Original poster
Indigodino · 12/10/2024 21:35

YouveGotAFastCar · 12/10/2024 18:24

I wouldn’t pretend it was a miscarriage.

I can see the logic in protecting him from pain if you’re sure you don’t want the baby, and you don’t need his support; but I wouldn’t be able to lie to him that I’d got pregnant and something had gone wrong. Surely the lie, and the sympathy for that lie, would make you feel awful? And you’d have to live that forever. It’d definitely come up again if and when you TTC in the future.

Number of pregnancies is recorded with the midwife, so you’d have to avoid him ever coming to a midwife appointment again or seeing your notes, etc.

I’d just hide the whole thing, if that’s your choice.

Luckily notes are all electronic and he never really paid much attention during my first pregnancy so doubt he would notice the ‘number of pregnancies’ I couldn’t say I had lost a pregnancy but wish I could arrange a termination quietly whilst he is working away over the next few weeks but I’m unsure of any lasting impact that would have on me mentally going through it alone, would it eat me up inside if we started to discuss another child in a few years time? Etc

OP posts:
california22 · 12/10/2024 21:40

YouveGotAFastCar · 12/10/2024 18:24

I wouldn’t pretend it was a miscarriage.

I can see the logic in protecting him from pain if you’re sure you don’t want the baby, and you don’t need his support; but I wouldn’t be able to lie to him that I’d got pregnant and something had gone wrong. Surely the lie, and the sympathy for that lie, would make you feel awful? And you’d have to live that forever. It’d definitely come up again if and when you TTC in the future.

Number of pregnancies is recorded with the midwife, so you’d have to avoid him ever coming to a midwife appointment again or seeing your notes, etc.

I’d just hide the whole thing, if that’s your choice.

You don't have to disclose terminations to the midwife if you don't want to, or you can also ask them to keep it confidential and it won't appear on main notes/partner won't see. It's not that relevant anyway unless someone had many or were done at a late gestation.

SurpriseTwinPregnancy · 12/10/2024 21:41

There is no way I could keep a termination a secret from my DH. Would you never tell him? You could go your whole life with that secret. I think that could be very difficult for you emotionally if your relationship is otherwise good and you trust each other. Plus you might have mixed emotions at some stages and want emotional support. Could you imagine him not being the one you turn to?

If he’s a good DH then he will understand that it’s your decision, even if it’s not his preferred outcome.

Icanttakethisanymore · 12/10/2024 21:46

Personally I couldn’t keep something like this a secret but you definitely shouldn’t have to go through with the pregnancy if you don’t want to. If I was you I’d tell him and still have a termination if that’s what you want… I appreciate that is not a perfect plan but I think it’s the best option available.

Iloveshihtzus · 12/10/2024 21:51

If he won’t support you in a termination and you want to have a termination, then go and do it and don’t tell him. Why would you create a potential conflict in your marriage over this? Go and get pills on Monday and end it. Then forget about it.

You have a 1 year old, you really don’t need to have a huge row and potentially end your marriage over this - think of your 1 year old.

tolerable · 12/10/2024 23:15

tough call, if you have definately already decided. if you are open to allowing him to react, instead of guessing wht he might do-id go with that. simple i'm pregnant-see where he stands with it -but you know him.sorry.im not helping...i hate lies and secrets of things you shoulda knew is all

BabyCloud · 12/10/2024 23:24

Does he not know it could be a possibility? You’re married so surely it should be a simple conversation to bring up.

SunflowerTed · 12/10/2024 23:30

I think I would just do it in secret. There’s no harm in him not knowing in this case! X

Strawberrysherbets · 13/10/2024 06:59

smallsilvercloud · 12/10/2024 18:18

Personally I don't think it's wrong to keep it a secret or disguise it as a miscarriage, just my thoughts, others maybe horrified but I think if it keeps you relationship strong without resentment on both sides. It's your body, your choice.

I do too. This is happening in your body, I don’t believe he has any say in what you do. And the fact that he’d ’guilt you’ into proceeding with a pregnancy you didn’t want, despite having a terrible time postnatally last time, and despite him never being around or doing anything to help, just cements this.

Do what you need and want to do.

rosesl · 13/10/2024 07:04

Hi OP

I hope you're okay.

If you contact bpas or MSI (google them they are charities) they will do an over the phone assessment with you and if you are early enough (less than 7 weeks I believe) then they can post some tablets for you to take at home to terminate the pregnancy, this also doesn't need to show on your medical record so you could speak to your midwife separately if you have a future pregnancy,

I would confide in a friend or family member if you can so they can be around when you take the tablets but your husband doesn't have to be.

I am not condoning this but I took the tablets alone and was fine, it was nothing more than a period/period pain but everyone is different.

Ignore the commenters who are being negative, your body, your choice!!

If you want any further advise or a chat let me know x

DustyLee123 · 13/10/2024 07:04

I don’t think he needs to know, if you’re having a termination. Why tell him to then take it away again. It’s your life it would effect, so it’s your decision.

autienotnaughty · 13/10/2024 07:09

It's your body your choice. If you are sure he wouldn't support you and worse yet would actively guilt you into going through with the pregnancy. Then I would arrange an abortion and not tell him.

Fingerscrossedfor2021HK · 13/10/2024 07:12

Iloveshihtzus · 12/10/2024 21:51

If he won’t support you in a termination and you want to have a termination, then go and do it and don’t tell him. Why would you create a potential conflict in your marriage over this? Go and get pills on Monday and end it. Then forget about it.

You have a 1 year old, you really don’t need to have a huge row and potentially end your marriage over this - think of your 1 year old.

This times 100. Don’t feel bad about not telling him - I would absolutely do this in your shoes. Then get yourself on either the pill if it works for you or another more reliable form of contraception. Sending you a big virtual hug as this list be so tough xx

Marmiteontoastgirlie · 13/10/2024 07:16

it is a tough choice. You are well within your rights to do this privately but I think there is a lot of downside. It would be preferable if he could support you in this decision. If you think it’s guaranteed that he won’t then you need to do what’s best for you. Could you perhaps float the idea of a pregnancy right now and see what he says? Maybe he would be more open to idea of termination than you think.

You don’t need to disclose the termination and it won’t end up on your notes forever either, you just don’t mention it to midwife when they ask about number of pregnancies.

XMissPlacedX · 13/10/2024 07:18

I would go ahead and have the termination and not tell him.

magicstar2020 · 13/10/2024 07:22

ByTealShaker · 12/10/2024 18:03

Surely when he ejaculated inside you, you must have known the outcome could have been pregnancy though right ?

Edited

It's just so unhelpful why bother saying anything at all ?

raspberryberet7 · 13/10/2024 07:36

ByTealShaker · 12/10/2024 18:03

Surely when he ejaculated inside you, you must have known the outcome could have been pregnancy though right ?

Edited

Wow what a piece of work you are. Hope you feel all high and mighty know you've kicked somebody when they're down. You sad little specimen

Original poster
Indigodino · 13/10/2024 08:10

Thank you everyone for all your advice I really appreciate it and thought so many people would be calling me the worst person in the world for even considering this. It’s such a difficult situation and I feel like I’ve been in a daze the last few days trying to think of a way through this. I actually am not sure how my DH would react. He would maybe fully support me in my decision to terminate but the thought that he might talk me into continuing the pregnancy is terrifying. We genuinely can not afford for me to have a mat leave and I only just feel mentally out the other end after a pretty rough year and the thought of going back there again fills me with dread.

OP posts:
socks1107 · 13/10/2024 09:09

I have kept a termination secret from my DH. We didn't live together at the time, we both had children from other relationships and I was in no place to have another. It was ten years ago now and I have never ever regretted it or the fact I kept it secret

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