Need to divorce, housing situation is a mess.

[MalinoisMoxie]

I've fallen out of love with DH, and wish I could have left years ago.

10 yrs ago we moved in with his parents, supposedly temporary, as the plan was to relocate from London out to a cheaper area when dd1 was moving from primary to secondary. That never happened.

DD1 is now at uni, dd2 is in GCSE yr and ds is doing secondary applications.

It turns out in-laws are not doing great financially. They remortgaged and are only paying the interest on repayments. DH is stuck paying their bills as they have no income. Fil is very resentful of this and tbh we hate living with eachother.

I'm so miserable.

What's been happening to all your income while you've been living with PIL, presumably without paying rent/bills?

Presumably you both have jobs/income/savings - yes?

I would get legal advice, but before you do, make a list of all your assets. TBH, I can't believe you've tolerated the current situation for 10 years!

10 years is a long time and difficult for in laws having a couple with 3 children move in.

What's been stopping you before?

My wages cover food shopping, utility bills, tax/diesel/ insurance on mine, dHs and both of pil car. There's not much left over each month.

DH is self employed, only he works but he pays his parents a wage (for no work) as they have no other income. Both have massive debts and use it to clear some credit card balances.

If we move we can't afford to keep our own home and prop up in laws like we have been.

We have around 20k in savings.

What a mess, I'd be tempted to leave the 3 of them to it, take half the savings and just move out. How they sort out the mess they're in is up to them.

So it seems that the only shared assets to split are the £20k savings and potentially look at pensions?

Neither of you are married to his parents. Neither of you are responsible for their mortgage.

With no shared financial obligations, mortgage, loans etc this should be the easiest divorce ever. Practically, I mean. I am not downplaying the emotional stress and upheaval.

But until one of you takes the next step of moving out and filing for divorce, nothing will change. You’re miserable and stuck now. Find a flat to rent and move out. Don’t be stuck for another 10 years.

When DH talked to his mum about us moving on and leaving London she said she would come too. FFS.

I have told DH as nothing changes I need to look at just me and DC going. It's then a sob story about how he's shattered trying to provide for everyone, but nothing will change.

Your DH needs to grow a pair of balls! When his DM said she'd come too, he should've responded 'No Mum, I mean Moxie and I and the kids - we need our own place and to live our own life'. As for spending all his salary supporting them - that's madness and it's what UC and other benefits are for. Or maybe they should still be supporting themselves? Either way, they are adults who need to be supporting themselves or seeking govt support, not relying on their DS and his family.

They aren't your parents and your ties to them will cease when you divorce. Their financial problems aren't your problem. Take half the savings and go get a rental with the kids. Start the divorce process.

Why do PIL have no income, don’t they get their pension?

Agree, take half the £20k, rent somewhere with your children, look at and benefits, stop paying for everyone else, if you don't leave then you're stuck forever.

You pay their bills, a wage for doing f all, why haven't your in-laws got jobs, pensions, orsell their house to downsize and pay off their own debts.

This!

Do you think you and husband could love each other again if you moved away, had a home just you guys and the kids? Is it just the stress of living with in-laws, the huge financial strain of propping them up? Or has all the love completely gone with no return? Only you can work out the answer to that one.

Right now he is putting the needs of his parents above you and the children. The money he is earning isn’t going towards your family, increasing equity on your own property. He is ploughing marital money into supporting his parents.

Id say your only two options are:

1. You and the kids move out, you take your £10k half of the savings, you split from your husband. It’s then up to him what happens with his relationship with his parents going forwards.
2. Husband has to make a decision to put his wife and children’s needs above those of his parents. He moves out with you and his parents must start supporting themselves.

What is all the money going on? They must get pensions, so assume that's over 20k p.a.

However the issue is your DH and his support for his parents at the cost of his life and future with his wife and children.

Is he hoping to inherit the house? Are there any other siblings?

Is there a reason why your PiLs can’t get even a part-time job? If they have medical conditions which prevent employment they should be claiming the appropriate benefits

@MalinoisMoxie how is DH shattered when you’re the primary earner and the one who is getting least out of this mess? I really think you need to leave for your own sanity/wellbeing.

Personally - it doesn't sound like it is about falling out of love, etc. It seems that its more the case of domestic drudgery grinding you down. Both you and your H.
And your desire for divorce is more of you wanting to get away and leave it all behind.

So - I’d sit down and do the math. And think about a plan rationally. Because its not just you here - you need to consider the kids situation. It is not their fault that their parents made their decisions and ended up in a financial rut.

For starters - you need to think about your DD’s GSCEs. You cant just pluck her out of school and plunge her life into uncertainly and stress over your desire to escape.
But you can use that time to plan - think about increasing your earnings, think about locations, etc.

As to in laws - fine, they have debts. But your whole family lived in their house rent free. And it doesn’t sound like you appreciate that fact. Yes - you pay bills - as you should, giving the no rent paid for years.
As to the ‘salary’ your H pays them - it is a common trick to reduce taxes for small businesses. So - no need to be bitter about that - as it directly benefits you and your family.

In the end if the day - i think you need to own up to your decisions and stop blaming just your H for the situation, unpleasant as it is. You are not a passive participant - you and your H made your decisions.
Now you need to chart a path that takes into account your kids as well - and GCSEs are an important phase in your DD life.

How old are PILS ? Why don't fury work or get pensions ?
If you've been living there for 10 years how could you have stood to have 3 kids in that situation?
As you've only got £10k each I think all you can do is move out with the kids and rent.
Probably not London so you'd have to wait for your daughter to finish GCSEs.
OR you both move out now ?
I'd also stop paying any of PILS bills
out of your money.
Can you get more hours to boost your savings ?
With both of you working (?) unless you've been off with kids ? I'd have thought you'd had more than £20k over 10 years.

Mil has never worked, is late 60s so tbh not very employable and wouldn't want to go to work.

Fil has spent all his pension, and has decades of bad money decisions after bad decision. He forgot his password for his iMac, so bought another one - so he now has 3. But doesn't know how to use it. He went to Clacton to visit family, so bought a new car ( with a collosal interest rate)to impress them.

I told DH years ago that I NEED to move, this came after fil was clapping and cheering as I was leaving the house as he doesn't like me (ring doorbell) DH said that's not an issue as it's just how he is.

What are you living with these idiots. Tell your dh to stand up for you, tell his parents to sell their imacs, lazy entitled fuckwits by the sound of it. Your h sounds just as bad if he is happy for his parents to use and abuse you both.

Start taking steps to put an end to this living situation. Can you find somewhere to rent as a stepping stone out of living with your in laws. Then take the children and half the savings and leave. You need to speak to a solicitor about filing for divorce. If there are no / few joint assets the actual divorce process will be straightforward. You aren't responsible for your in laws mortgage or their debts.

What on earth are you doing?
Stop talking to your husband.
You are being used.
Find housing and move asap.
Stop paying for ANYTHING for his parents.
This is really unbelievable.
They cannot believe their luck with how much of a mug you are.
Start planning on leaving the lot of them.

Your PIL should be claiming benefits. If no state pension payable, they should be claiming pension credit or whatever they may be entitled to.

I agree though with everyone else. Your DH needs to decide whether or not to support you and his DC or his parents - if you think your relationship would be repairable if you do that. Or go for a divorce and move out

If DD1 is at uni and DD2 is in gcse years I personally would be planning to move out and divorce once dd2 has finished.

This would mean she could change for sixth form when many people change and DS would change secondary before GCSEs.

Start working out - where might you go? What sort of schools are you looking for (any SN?)

I'm guessing there's basically no assets in the marriage but what about pensions? Do
You have a pension?

If you left then your dh would be supporting himself, his parents and the kids. I suspect that he might change things in that situation.

Is your job such that you can ask for geographical transfer?