Need to divorce, housing situation is a mess.

[MalinoisMoxie]

I've fallen out of love with DH, and wish I could have left years ago.

10 yrs ago we moved in with his parents, supposedly temporary, as the plan was to relocate from London out to a cheaper area when dd1 was moving from primary to secondary. That never happened.

DD1 is now at uni, dd2 is in GCSE yr and ds is doing secondary applications.

It turns out in-laws are not doing great financially. They remortgaged and are only paying the interest on repayments. DH is stuck paying their bills as they have no income. Fil is very resentful of this and tbh we hate living with eachother.

I'm so miserable.

I don't think your DH has any right to be moaning about supporting everyone, when that's what you're doing too and they're not even your parents!

I would take yourself and your income away. How do the DC feel about potentially moving away? Is your job one that you can do from another location?

My job would still work if we relocate. The plan was always to move out of London.

DD2 is still undecided about what to do post GCSEs. But here is likely to enrol on college rather than her schools 6th form.

DS is disabled, but I can homeschool as we did previously for a year.

Roughly how much is your DH paying his parents as a ‘wage’? If it is a lot, then I would be concerned that he may have diverted a large amount of what would be classed as a marital asset, to his parents.

Where is the £20k held? Is it a joint account? If so I would consider moving half of it to an account just in your name asap and then having a frank conversation with your DH about separation. You will at least have a rental deposit.

Just go, then..?

Maybe it'll be the push your H needs to pull his fucking finger out and maybe not, but you'll be happier than you are now either way.

Another real worry for you/your immediate family OP is that you're not building up any kind of retirement savings or investments to support you in old age, because all your money is going towards supporting your DH's feckless parents. If you leave for no other reason, please leave so you can start doing this. I cannot emphasise enough how important it is to save for your own retirement. You don't want to left with only your state pension to live off. You have to end this right now, either with or without your DH, if he chooses to keep prioritising his parents over his wife and DC.

Given their ages, don't both inlaws have at least some state pension?
Even though mil never worked, presumably she does get some pension, albeit a reduced amount, via NI credits that she should have received for the years that she was raising children under a certain age?

I can see how you and your DH living with them might make them ineligible for any top-up benefits though. If that's the case, you and your family moving out might actually be doing you all favour. They need to learn to take responsibility for themselves and their own finances now, before they get any older!

It sounds like your current setup has actually been encouraging and enabling their fecklessness.

Get out of there ASAP, with or without your DH.

So it sounds like PiLs money issues are due to their own behaviour. Surely they’d both be able to get shop work.
It really does sound like your DH needs to cut the apron strings ie his parenting of them. His parents are independent adults responsible for their own welfare.
I grew up caring for my DM’s needs. When I put mine and my family’s needs first the fallout was horrible and long lasting, but it was the right thing to do for us.